My Pick of Sayings

"There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to"

Sayings make popular reading for a great many people. Some will
try to live up to them, others will try to use them as a justification
of morals or see them as a tool to be used to enhance or refute any old
subject they enjoy poking their bib into or arguing over.......and some
will use them to impress or entertain. There's no doubting their very
clever content, regardless.

The pondered thoughts of many clever people. They are amazing when you
consider that a great many were written up to 2,500 years ago and are
ageless in the essence of truth and as good advice today as they were
all those years ago.

Quite a few are contradictory. Again - thoughts and opinions of many...
.....proving the old saying ...........?? damn.....forgot it.

They are truisms of good advice, sayings to shape lives and morals,
jottings to draw conclusions from.....clever and often humorous with
unarguable irony and entertainment content.

A lot of these sayings you may have heard before, but certainly not
all of them. I have mostly not noted the authors because many have
been added from memory and I am not sure (who is) who really wrote them
in the first place anyway.

I have added some of my "own", but as with most sayings - one could
never claim originality because we never know what has passed before
and maybe they came about by subliminal recall of memory.

See............. still thinking!

These sayings are in no particular order and I have not deliberately
dwelt on any particular subject in selecting them.

I just think them the pick of the bunch and hope you enjoy them as
much as I did and still do.......

And here they are (There may be duplicates!):

Everybody is somebody - even if they're not! (my favourite)

The other lane always moves faster.

Wet Paint. (This is not an instruction)

You are more likely to meet someone you know when
you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.

How come the wrong number is never busy?

I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me.

Bo Peep did it for the insurance.

Cinderella married for the money.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

And the Lord said unto the shepherds: "Go away! This is cattle country!"

An elephant is a mouse built to council specifications.

One of these days my ship will come in, but with my luck
I'll be at the airport.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

"Smile," they said, "Life could be worse!" So I did, and it was.

Join the army. Meet nice people and then kill them.

Old fishermen never die - they just smell that way.

If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible!

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

If nothing can go wrong, something will.

I was going to be a comedian but was scared people would laugh at me.

Any wire cut to length is sure to be too short.

Space isn't remote at all. It is only an hour's drive if your car
could go straight up.

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable
and praise-worthy.

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to change
it every 6 months.

Get your facts first, then you may distort them as much as you please.

We learn from history that we never learn anything from history.

I predict that cloning will not become popular. Too many people
already find it difficult to live with themselves.

I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.

Rule of Drama: If there is a gun hanging on the wall in the
first act, it must be fired by the last.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a few
loan repayments.

The best way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it.

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could
eat what you watch.

A nation is just a society for hating foreigners.

A rumour without a leg to stand on will find another way to get around.

A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

Is there life before death?

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

It has now been proved beyond doubt that smoking is one
of the leading causes of statistics.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Thank God for the Tax Office - without them I'd be stinking rich!

Nonconformists are all alike

Hit me, I need money

I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

Don't Tick me Off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

Jesus loves you! But everybody else's thinks your an idiot.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.

Don't wait for your ship to come in - swim out to it.

Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself
your own mistakes.

If you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for anything.

Life can be better understood when looking back,
but it must be lived while looking forward.

Life is a comedy for those who think
and a tragedy for those who feel.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.

One nice thing about egotists is that they
don't talk about other people.

The desire of love is to give.
The desire of lust is to get

The difference between stupidity and genius
is that genius has its limits.

The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.

Time is a great teacher, but it
eventually kills all its pupils.

We live in a society where a pizza gets to
your house before the police.

We treat this world as though we had a spare
one in the trunk.

What is right is often substituted for what
is convenient.

What we see is mainly what we look for.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

When signing a contract, it helps to remember "the
big type giveth - and the small type taketh away".

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure
the other person isn't doing the same thing.

A fine is a tax for doing bad.
A tax is a fine for doing good.

A girl phoned me and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home."
I went over... sure enough......nobody was home!

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his

A man is never astonished that he doesn't know
what another does; but he is surprised at the gross
ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.

A man spends the first half of his life learning
habits that shorten the next half of his life.

A seminar on time travel will be held in two
weeks ago.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you
can't spell.

A ton of regret never made an ounce of difference.

A true friend walks in when the world walks out.

After all is said and done, more will be said
than done.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting
you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Beauty is variable, ugliness is constant.

Education is the period during which you are
being instructed by somebody you dont know,
about something you dont want to know.

Everything you can imagine is real.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is
too old to set a bad example.

I asked Mum if I was a gifted child...she said
they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I don't need your attitude I have one of my own

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my

I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do
and I understand.

I never knew looking back on the times I laughed
would make me cry.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not
so sure.

I'd rather do something and fail than do nothing and

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like
a nail.

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must
be a genius.

If you do things over and venture not,
you'll always get what you've always got.

If you can't learn to do it well,
learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person
again;  it was probably worth it.

If you think you're getting too much government these
days, just be happy that you're not getting all you are
paying for.

If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself,
and be careful when telling the truth about others.

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh
at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and

AND MORE............

When anyone says `theoretically,' they actually mean
 `not really'. I believe that good things never die.
I never drink when I'm working -
 nor work while I'm drinking.
I Believe in the hereafter - especially
 what I'm here after!
Today You dont have to be happy to be gay.
Dont it feel good to be owned by a cat!
Winners dont quit - and quitters dont win
Globalisation is another word for corporatisation
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or
  insanity to anyone..............but they've always
  worked for me"
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
TAX DEPT MOTTO: We've got what it takes to take what
 you've got!
Friends help you move house. Real friends help you
 move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique......just like everyone
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute
 of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand
 a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere...
Help wanted: Telepath. (You know where to apply.)
Budget:...... a method for going broke methodically.
Shin: ........A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count
 and those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: Spit happens.
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have the exact change.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired
 of thinking.
If at first you DO succeed.......try not to look
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
 drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to
 stop helping me.
Don't look back: they might be gaining on you.
Sometimes the people we think we cant live with,
 turn out to be someone we cant live without.
"I suppose you could say that....."
 and as a matter of fact you just did!"
I never went to bed with an ugly woman
 ....... but I sure woke up next to a few.
When I was a kid I used to kid myself I was grown up
 ........I still do.
What makes us feel responsible for our kids is
 we are.
I second guess kids so well because I've been one
 for so long.
Its OK to be tuned in to the real world, but its
 healthy to crave something better.        (Ted)
Its useless lamenting what you dont have - be
 thankful for what you do have.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that
 cause comedy in the streets?
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you
 recognize a mistake once you've made it again.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it
 starts avoiding you.
Sometimes as I lie awake at night and ask, "Where
 have I gone wrong?", a voice says to me, "This is
 going to take more than one night."
Without evil,  good cannot be seen.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked
 from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a
 vegetarian because I hate plants. (A. Whitney Brown)
No matter how great your triumphs or tragic your defeats,
 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you
 recognize a mistake when you make it again. (F. P. Jones)
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability
 to learn from the experience of others, also remarkable
 for their apparent reluctance to do so. (Douglas Adams)
Peoples opinions may change, but not the fact
 that they are always right.
No one cares how much you know until they know how much
 you care.
Life is the one journey where you continually avoid
 reaching your ultimate destination.
Everyone is searching for something in their life.

AND MORE..............................

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
*I like to get up early, grab the best parking spot at the mall
and just sit and count the people who ask me if I'm leaving.
*I mix it my own water. Two parts H, one part O...... I don't
trust anyone!
*A cop pulled me over for not stopping. He said, "Didn't you see
that stop sign back there?" I said, "Yes.... but I don't
believe everything I read."
*If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes
peanuts and beer.
*Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
.....we should be getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
*When given the choice of two evils, I go for the one I've
never tried before.
*Drink your coffee---there are people in India sleeping.
*I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who
live above me are furious!
*Greyhounds are my favorite dog - at the beach
they're the ones that actually catch the seagulls.
*Yes I care for a drink? Does yes make me a caring person
No one hears what others feel
When the crowd is behind you you're usually facing the other way
Life is best viewed through the bottom of an emptied beer glass
Life is a pain - get used to it.
Failure requires no preparation
A machine - not man - works better when well oiled.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have plenty of time.
Three out of every four people make up 75% of the population?
My preamble .... Better "Blokey" than "Bitchy".
You wont be understood unless you understand
99 percent of (real estate agents) give the rest a bad name
"If at first you dont succeed....." doesn't apply to skydiving
The light at the end of the tunnel could be that of an oncoming train
Success usually happens privately - failure always happens openly
Your good deeds dont attract the attention your mistakes do
There's always another idiot
Friends come and go - enemies accumulate
Real is what you are - reputation is what others think you are
Be yourself - no one else qualifies.
*I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days
have attacked me at once.
*When you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection.
Dont mess with people if all you've got is a big mouth
I stopped to think but I forgot to restart
I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants
Comedy is on the tele too, but its not on the streets
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Born naked, wet and hungry? It gets worse.......
How can an identical twin commit suicide with complete confidence
The suicidal identical twin........ killed her sister by mistake!
If one synchronised swimmer all of them?
If its idiot proof - they'll just make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot ...... I've had three teeth out!
Those who laugh last usually think slowest!
A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.
A lottery is a tax on people bad at maths.
I wont repeat my parents' mistakes - I'll use birth control!
What's a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Reality is the annoyance between naps.
I had a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't suffer from insanity....... enjoy it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
There's always change, except from machines.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere...
Telepath wanted.... you know where.
Budget ...... a moving experience
Budget:...... a method for going broke methodically.
Shin: ........A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have the exact change.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed .......try not to look astonished!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Don't look back: they might be gaining on you.
Today's rooster is tomorrows feather duster
When you're 18 you're not thinking 19
When I die.....I hope I'm old enough!
*I never worried about being old enough until I
realised I was capable of dying.
*People spend more time selecting a lobster from a
tank in a restaurant than they do selecting a friend
*I own a magnifying glass.............
.....does that make me a scientist?
Support Irish Justice - demand your day in jail
*Criminals make up 1% of our population
they all think they are tough
they all think they are smart
they make up 90% of all chalk outlines
..............what can I say!
I warn you....kill me.....and you'll never take me alive
Its never too late....that's why they invented death!
*They say my daughter looks like me.....
......I hope she grows out of it.
Dont blindly accept anything - it could put you on a table
....with a needle in your arm - or worse!
The greatest enemy of all.......loneliness
God may well move in mysterious ways - and little wonder
considering some of his self appointed representatives.
*People wanting to preserve their culture are
labelled racists by those offering us another.
I'm on the crest of a slump!
I'm not afraid of dying - but I am afraid of not living
Try this for sighs!
The cup may appear to be half empty
......but its really half full
I'm strong enough to carry a grudge
I grew should try it
(......) are the agents of our hopes
Times clock is ticking
Always hope for the best - and fear the worst
Its sometimes comforting to realise that
you dont permanently live in a vacuum
The task in front of you may not be as great
as the power behind you
Quitters are romantics.
Real losers are hard to find
Winners are not aware there's a race....
...they just love the run
I'm the Devils' candy
If you're not part of the solution.... must be part of the problem.
Some people see things the way they are and ask why.........
...others see things the way they should be and say "why not"
A prelicking stamp service .....why not!
I dont believe in God....but he still scares me
A rumour is just a rumour......but if it doesn't die
....its a legend
The greatest hoax the devil pulled
....was convincing us that he didn't exist
If more people listened to me
....there'd be less people to listen to me!
We dont seem to move forward as a nation
....we tend to look back as individuals
Hot pepper suppositories? ....who said torture was illegal!
You dont love because you need because you love.
You'll never lose a friend if you never have one
Always use the ground to break your fall
Lunch Break 925
I ask.... what you demand.
Never kill the same person twice
The value of a promise lies in the keeping....not the giving
Dont give me your keep it
EUMUNDI air...they should bottle it and sell it as valium!
To finish first, one must first finish
Like most self made men, I am in awe of my creator!
Most find it easier to give a promise than keep one.
*LOYALTY is not "I can always get another dog".....
loyalty is being attached to the dog you've got.
*I was fortunate my father was born before I was.
*Its strange.....all my childhood memories come to me in
black and white, but later memories are in vivid colour.
*Trying to advise your kids can be like attaching the
electrodes of knowledge to the testicles of ignorance.
*"If you really love someone - let them go - and if they
come back to you, they'll be with you forever."
Life is such a comedy........why so many serious people?
SMILE - for no reason whatsoever......!
If you smile without reason you're an idiot!
*Time was invented so everything cant happen at once,
locations were created so events wouldn't all
happen in the same place and names were given so
everyone doesn't answer when someone is called.
*If I didn't have something to live for...I wouldn't be so
frightened of dying
Good deeds never go unpunished
Test your own boundaries
Germany - the land of 437 varieties of gastric sausage
Go find your own tomb
Keeping my nose to the grindstone gave me a sore nose
The word normal and (.....) dont belong in the same sentence
Lies are a mere speed bump on the highway of truth
Presentation, position, price and promotion sells best
To some people, even daylight is out of place
You dont storm a house because of unpaid parking tickets
Some people have far too much time on their hands.
The sign says "These premises are alarmed" and you wonder what
frightened them?
And the Lord said "Come to me now that you are old"..... can imagine my response.
He said "admission is free" - I said "yeah, how much to leave?"
I used to be a vampire - but I'm OK nowooooOOOoooo!
There were enough zero's on the bill for another
raid on Pearl Harbour!
"Freedom's no good without someone to share it with"
"The door must be closed for opportunity to knock" (!)
"Switching to auto"
Ride a dead horse
I am who I am - At least I think I am!
Useless is a dentist in a leper colony
I cant help it - its a "man" thing!
Its a taste that scarpers across the pallet
You dont get out much - do you!
Curry gives you speed - yeah.
I look at (chess) and thank god I live in a country that gives
me choices.
A good Christian is a person who thinks the new testament
is a book admirably suited to the needs of his neighbor.
"Drawing on my active mind and exceptional command of the English
language ...... I said nothing."
If it can be put in a nut shell, it belongs there.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and
getting out of the way before its understood.
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
If there were four flies on a table and you killed one.....
there would be none left. So much for mathematics.
A restaurant on the moon could have good food.....but no atmosphere!
They bury (.....) 10 feet deep....because deep down they're not so bad.
There are two rules for success in life:
(1) Don't tell anyone everything you know
If you believe in nothing, it believes in you.
The Middle Class......those not poor enough to take charity
and not rich enough to donate.
STRESS......that confusion created when one's mind strives to
override the body's screaming desire to belt the living shit
out of some arsehole who desperately needs it.
Read about the axe murderer and his two half-brothers?
Can you count on me?.......that's a definite maybe.
I was 10 foot tall and bullet-proof....... before I grew up!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long
I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When
a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Light travels faster than sound and that's why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
Americans throw rice at weddings - do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into? Life is like wrestling a gorilla. You don't stop when you get
tired, you stop when the gorilla gets tired.
I can please only one person per day and today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking real good for you either.
Sometimes I try to procrastinate .....but I never get around to it.
My family is a riot. In fact, they put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
There is pain in recovery. Misery is optional.
Lead us not into temptation......I can find it myself.
There's nothing like the prospect of pain to focus a man's mind.
I believe God will not do for me what I can do for myself.
I am unique........just like everyone else.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
Drugs are merely suicide on the instalment plan.
I thought Gods name was Howard because the Lords Prayer sounded
like "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name."
I'll always have another relapse in me, but I'm not
sure if I'll have another recovery.
A winner is just a loser who keeps trying.
I don't always know what God's will is for me,
but I always know what it's not.
I didn't get sober to be miserable.
I didn't just experiment with alcohol and drugs.
I'm now into advanced research and development.
I guess I'm a mite unsure of myself because when someone asks "How
are you?"....I reply "I'll get back to you as soon as I find out."
Before I met my wife I used to think suicide.
Now I'm thinking homicide.
Relationships will do to you what alcohol couldn't.
I am the most even tempered bloke in the world - I'm mad all the time.
If you don't deal with your feelings, they'll deal with you.
We're not above the shit in life 'cause we're Christian or sober.
God doesn't do anything for me that I can do for myself.
I love you, God loves you, ....and there's not a damn thing you can do about it!
Today I have more solutions than problems.
If God is just your co-pilot, best switch seats.
I don't need to beat myself up, .....There are enough people willing to do it for me.
I was amazed at how good orange juice tasted without vodka.
For this alcoholic, it's A.A. or amen.
If you think it's lonely at the top, we at the bottom await you.
I listen like only the dying can.
Without getting spiritual, I am a Christian.
If my brain didn't need me for transportation, would have killed me a long time ago.
Everywhere you go, there you are.
Me....a walking miracle? Come on......
I'm looking at life through different glasses today
......because this is not my regular hotel.
I'm as nervous as a long-tailed cat on a porch full of rocking chairs.
I used to get upset seeing other people sober when I was drunk.
Now I get upset seeing other people drunk and me sober.
Since my old lady left me, I've lost my will to drink.
When I start wondering if everything's okay, it's probably not.
If hanging in outside A.A. doesn't work, try hanging out inside A.A.
If you cant find a way to stay sober,
....find an excuse not to.
Because I'm an alcoholic I dont have to act like I'm drunk.
My sponsor says I'm trying. Very trying.
Ask not what you can do for others; ask
what you can do for yourself.
If you like everyone where you work,
you must work short hours.
My boss is an alcoholic and an arsehole.........I'm self-employed.
Don't try to clear away the wreckage of the past.
....its easier to create your own in future.
If you hang around a barber shop, you're gonna get clipped.
You can't speed up your recovery, but you sure can slow it down.
Don't let arseholes rent space in your head.
My car must have known the way home because I didn't.
What good are easy steps, when you need a ladder.
I was caught between a dog and a fire hydrant.
I've been tortured by a relentless bastard.....Me.
Sacred cows make average hamburgers.
Alcoholics and addicts are in a class by themselves......
....because everyone else has graduated.
My ex-wife holds me responsible for most of our marital problems.
...proves how much she knows - I was never home.
The "God" position was filled a long time ago.
"Live and Let Live"..... but I don't want you living near me.
I didn't use drugs or alcohol.....they used me.
If you live on the edge be careful, you might fall off.
I am victim of my biggest character defect: self-pity.
If you go on doing what you've always done.....'ll go on getting what you always got
Want to attract a sensitive 90s guy?.......Be one!
Everyone in court is under oath but the lawyers
The young know the rules - the old know the exceptions
Born again means never growing up
Bored? Grow an imagination
Marriage: Breeding in captivity
Buckle down for success, buckle up for safety
Whose life flashes before a dying schizophrenic's eyes?
We are all born ignorant barbarians - you should grow up
If a baby is born with amnesia, how would we know?
Is this flake trying to snow us?
Genealogy: chasing your own tale
Gravity is a drag
Great truths come in small messages.
If the cap unscrews easily - how strong is the glue?
If you break a leg, don't come running to me
Progress was OK, it just went on too long
Should schizophrenics be allowed more votes?
The milk of human kindness never hits the fan!
Women and children first (to see if it's safe)
You can't get up to speed until you're over the hill
Some dream of changing human nature. Others wake up
Better to be over the hill than under it
Life is nasty, brutish and short. Why be nice about it
Pure gall - an unmarried marriage counsellor
Aside from 6 million restrictive laws - it's a free country
Anyone with money to burn can find a match
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Like the strong silent type - marry a tree!
With proper diet, exercise and rest
......a healthy body should last a lifetime
Should it be considered a hostage situation for a
multiple personality person to threaten suicide
Cheap things aren't usually good
......and good things aren't usually cheap
With so much bullshit in advertising makes you wonder whats in the product
Most young males compete with their fathers
....for young golfers - a score under par is OK
Monday I dreamed I was a teepee - Tuesday a wigwam
.......maybe I'm just too tents!
Friends are valuable.... cant lift a full esky on your own!
I'm twins - can you tell me apart?
You are the salt of the earth..........
...unfortunately salt is not good for me
...and dirt is considered to be unhealthy!
Flash......John Howard is really Mister Sheen
If I was two faced - would I be wearing this one?
Isn't waste a terrible thing? - Shit yeah!
If they really are random breath tests........ come they always test the driver?
Vegetarians can eat sausages without fear
........there's no meat in them anyway!
Help make waiting queue's shorter
......please stand closer together
This is a face to stop a sundial
Life can be breathtaking - especially at the end
If you cant say what you mean can you mean what you say
Life really is a breathtaking experience
especially at the end
Being flexible doesn't just mean
having good hip rotation
The more things appear to change
.....the more they stay the same
My only hope appears to be a
desperate woman with glaucoma
They throw up so fast
When a man loves a woman...
...does it really matter
...who he sleeps with?
I'm committed - well I should be
I'm not old...I'm superannuated
If you're not enough without it'll never be enough with it
Shoot from the lip - and be down in the mouth
We catch and kill our own!
If you feel like you dont belong anywhere'll better appreciate everywhere
The things that unite us are greater
than those that divide us
Now that our government has disarmed its good
citizens - how do we overcome the baddies
.......stun them with good taste?
You only hurt yourself if you hate people
....50% dont know you hate them
....and 50% dont care anyway
May your soul raise up to heaven
....before the devil realises you're dead
If I get to heaven - everyone goes!
Wealth creates its own morality
Play the game - not the man
Every Drinking Club has a running problem
It takes a big man to apologise and admit he's wrong
..........I am not a big man!
People who see no value in others have
an inflated value of themselves.
There are none so foolish as they who fool themselves.
Man and woman are two different species.
Who goes first is irrelevant, its who comes back that counts.
Dont shoot yourself in the foot - aim for the stars
I'll live till I'm 100 - even if it kills me
Weight is the gain most dreaded.
We only welcome weight to our argument.
The true art of boasting is not for the faint hearted.
They dont transplant hair from your arse to your bald
head to grow it.....its to make you smarter.
Problems are challenges to overcome - not obstacles to avoid.
How can there be romance between equals?
"What am I doing" I often ask myself - knowing I would have to be
mad to answer - and even sillier to listen!


Get in, sit down, shut up - and hang on

Dont like my driving? Then keep off the footpath

Shit doesn't just happen - arseholes cause it

(99% Shit - 1% Hot)

If older is better........I must be approaching magnificent!

I have a drinking problem.....two hands and only one mouth!

Dont tell me I'm not perfect - tell God he made a mistake

God doesn't make mistakes -I'm perfect!

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of advice.

Success gives you the confidence to make mistakes

Life is what happens as you plan other things

Insanity is definitely hereditary - I caught it from my children!

Save the whales mate....what did they do for Harold Holt!

The difference between a man and a pig........?
....the pig doesn't get drunk and act like a man

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.

Children can be a help in old age,
they help you get there quicker!

No matter where you go......there you are.

One hot day does not make a summer

Dont ever be afraid to fail big *

The older I get, the better I was

The yoke on the oxen feels no guilt

Intelligence is knowing the difference between temptation
and opportunity.

Dont let the future happen without you *

I taught him everything I knows.....and he still knows nothing!. *

I spent my life reading about best friends and heroes and
discovered too late that the real ones were my parents *

The difference between genius and stupidity is that
stupidity has no limits.

I'm older now than I've ever been

An office party is an event on your schedule for an hour,
on your conscience for a week, and on your personnel
file for life.

Men are what their mothers make them

The person who is late for a doctors appointment most
is the doctor.

If you drink enough wine, it doesn't matter how bad it is.

"The object of war is NOT to die for your country but to make
the other bastard die for his" (General George Patton)

Always knock around with people smarter than yourself.
You'll have no trouble finding them.

Women must have larger minds than men
It takes them longer to make them up

If your parents dont have any children,
chances are you wont either.

Young men think old men fools and old men KNOW young men are. *

No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible
for the flood.

There are more important things in life than having a little
money and one of them is having a lot of money. *

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A hundred percent of nothing is nothing, but two percent
of a lot is a lot. *

All women are alike, but they have different faces so
you can tell them apart.

The size of one's feet bears no relationship to the ease
with which they can be inserted in one's mouth.

All glory comes from daring to begin.

Anybody who thinks the customer isn't important should try
doing without him for 90 days.

What you don't know won't hurt you, but it will certainly
amuse a lot of people.

The man who will not admit he's been wrong loves himself
more than he loves the truth.

The best substitute for experience is being a teenager. *

A person's judgement is no better than his information.

The really big-time crooks don't break laws; they make them.

Prejudice is ignorance matured.

The acid test of intelligence is its ability to cope
with stupidity.

You start growing up the day you have your first real laugh
at yourself. *

A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are
built for.

Learn from the mistakes of others - you can never live
long enough to make them all yourself.

Education is what you get from reading the fine print; experience
is what you get from not reading it.

Flattery is like perfume; it should be sniffed not swallowed.

He who laughs, lasts.

You can't fool all of the people all of the time -- some of
them are busy trying to fool you.

Exhilaration is that feeling you get when a great idea
hits you - just before you realize what's wrong with it.

Beware the fury of a patient man.

The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

In love there is always one who kisses and one who
offers the cheek.

Some people handle the truth carelessly.
Others never touch it.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will
never change our minds.

He who hates cats was in his former life a rat.

Everybody wants to go to heaven - but nobody wants to die. *

Integrity is being conscientious - even when nobody is around.

Life is the greatest bargain - we get it for nothing.

Time wounds all heels.

There is no worse heresy than thinking the office sanctifies
the holder.

We have too many high sounding words - and too few actions
that correspond to them.

A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest.

When a man you like switches from what he said some time ago,
he's a broad minded person who has the courage to admit
his mistakes. When a man you don't like does it, he's
a liar who has broken his promise. *

One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three
are hardly possible.

Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.

No man is really a success until his mother-in-law admits it.

The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set
no limits on his stupidity.

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Even God cannot change the past.

If we woke up one morning and found that everyone was
the same race, creed, and colour, we'd find some other
causes for prejudice by lunchtime.

History is important. If you don't know where you have been,
you damned sure don't know where you are going.

If at first you don't succeed - you're about average. *

When childhood dies, the corpses are called adults

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild
oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns - he should be
drawn and quoted.

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to
buy anything is last year.

It is always better to proceed on the basis of recognition
of what is, rather than what ought to be.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each
from the other.

The leaders of the French Revolution excited the poor against
the rich; this made the rich poor but it did not make the
poor rich.

Doing easily what others find difficult is talent - doing what
is impossible for talent is genius.

A Christian conscience doesn't stop you from doing what
you shouldn't - it just stops you from enjoying it.

Actresses don't have husbands, they have attendants.

Beware of the man of one book.

The wise learn many things from their foes.

*Democracy arises from men's thinking, that if they are equal in
any respect, they are equal in all respects.

*The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal
things equal.

*Inferiors revolt so that they may be equal, and equals revolt
so that they may be superior.

*Beauty is only skin deep and the world is full of thin
skinned people.

Shake and shake
The tomato sauce bottle,
None will come,
And then a lot'll.

That money talks I'll not deny,
I heard it once: It said "Goodbye".

Racism is the snobbery of the poor.

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

We are all here on earth to help others; what the those
"others" are here for - I don't know.

A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered or
false because it's spoken magnificently.

Lord, make me chaste --but not yet.

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear
never having lived.

What is good for the hive, is not always good for the bee.

Every man values himself more than all other men, but
he values other's opinions of himself more than his own.

A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.

Man tends to believe, what he prefers to be true.

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.

The great pleasure of life is doing what people say
you cannot do.

War would end if its dead could speak.

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.

Laws are spider webs through which big flies pass and the little
ones get caught.

People only think a thing is worth believing in
if it's hard to believe.

Women get more unhappy the more they try to liberate themselves.

What the world needs is popular government at popular prices.

Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes - but
in liking what one has to do.

Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to
be wrong in his facts.

Vote for the man who promises the least - he'll be the least

Never question the truth of what you fail to understand

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue
about them - just stupid.

Buy Old Masters. They fetch a much better price than old mistresses.

Most women are not so young as they are painted.

If I had written the alphabet - I'd have put you and I together!

Mankind is divisible into two great classes, hosts and guests.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done;
they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do
it themselves.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you
were a year ago.

Know what happens to people who sit in the middle of the
road ? They get run over!

A bore is a person who talks when you want him to listen.

There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of
old things we don't know.

Fools we are to say we learn by our experience. I prefer to
profit by other's mistakes and avoid the price of my own.

Wise men learn by other men's mistakes, fools by their own.

If you think education is expensive - try ignorance.

A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is
an idea that possesses the mind.

The past should not be used as an anvil for beating out
the present and the future.

Nothing fails like idle success, because we don't learn from

We learn only from failure.

There is no second prize for the runner-up in war.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll
understand what little chance you have of changing

There's no fool like an old fool - you can't beat experience.

Most people would rather defend to the death your right to
say it - than listen to it.

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a
girl in the dark. You know what you're doing, but
nobody else does.

No man was ever born a Negro hater, a Jew hater, or any
other kind of hater. Nature had nothing to do with it.

A diplomat is a person who can be disarming even though
his country isn't.

It is better to be lucky than smart. No one likes smart

Good judgement comes with experience, and experience comes
from poor judgement.

Appeasers believe that if you keep throwing steaks to a tiger,
the tiger will become a vegetarian.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million
dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

Philosophy: Looking for a black cat in a dark room when you're
not even sure there is one.
Religion: When you think you've found the black cat.

If you've been in the game 30 minutes and you don't know who
the patsy is, you're the patsy.

Genius does what it must; talent does what it can.

Every man loves and admires his own country - because it
produced him.

There are no warlike peoples - just warlike leaders.

I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it
than to be sane and have doubts.

History is a pact between the dead, the living, and the yet unborn.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Too bad that the people who know how to run the country are
driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men
and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

Science has done more for the development of western civilization
in one hundred years, than Christianity did in two thousand.

To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine
your facts is another.

Many people's tombstones should read: "Died at 30. Buried at 60."

People in general are equally horrified at hearing the Christian
religion doubted, as seeing it practiced.

Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the
instrument as one goes on.

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense
to know how to lie well.

All progress is built upon a universal innate desire on the part
of every organism - to live beyond its means.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

Respect is love in plain clothes.

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites
off more than he can chew.

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they
can be happy without money.

Never mistake knowledge for wisdom.

Anything we can conceive, we can achieve - the most undeveloped
territory in the world is under our scalp.

The real problem is not the overhead; what is really stifling
is the underfoot.

The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested
in other people than you can in two years by trying to get
people interested in you.

In judging others - folks will work overtime without pay.

In time of war - the first casualty is truth.

Politicians are always there when they need you.

Wise men learn more from fools than fools from wise men.

The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.

There are well dressed foolish ideas just as there are well
dressed fools.

Memory is the thing you forget with.

There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who
wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.

The difference between a tax and a fine is, that the fine is
generally much lighter.

It isn't that most can't see the solution. It is that most
can't see the problem.

Growing old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and
the worst of it is, half of them are true.

As always, victory finds a hundred fathers, but defeat
is an orphan.

I am not ashamed to confess that I am ignorant of what I
do not know.

Natural ability without education has more often raised a
man to glory and virtue than education without natural

The law was not so much designed to protect society from
the criminals, but more profoundly to protect society
from itself.

Statistics are no substitute for judgement.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.

Most of us hate to see a poor loser - or a rich winner.

Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the
facts we disbelieve we call theories.

The art of taxation consists of plucking the goose with
the least amount of hissing.

Many people loose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.

The point to remember is that what the government gives
it must first take away.

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old. It's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother.

To make certain that crime does not pay, the government
has taken it over to run.

A man is as old as he's feeling,
A woman as old as she looks.

When you have nothing to say - dont say it.

True friendship is like sound health - the value of it is seldom
known until its lost.

We hate some people because we don't know them - and
we'll never know them because we hate them.

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks
his neck out.

Coexistence is what the farmer does with the pig.
Until Christmas.

Fraud and falsehood dread examination. Truth invites it
for justification.

Talent is what you possess - genius is what possesses you.

No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.
Bishop Mandell Creighton

I never wanted to see anybody dead, but there are a few
obituary notices I'll have pleasure reading.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the
second half by our children.

He who allows oppression shares the crime.

The love of truth lies at the base of much humour.

The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.

If you have never been hated by a child, you have never
been a parent.

If you don't go to other men's funerals - they won't go to yours.

One is not born a woman - one becomes one.

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are
involved, as a rule the majority are wrong.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is always
astonished when others do.

How can you govern a country that has two hundred and
forty six varieties of cheese ?

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is
one who hopes they are.

It is not enough to have a good mind. You must use it.

Wit consists of knowing the resemblance of things which
differ and the difference of things which are alike.

God save me from my friends. I can protect myself from my enemies.

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they
are open.

A married man should forget his mistakes - no use two
people remembering the same thing.

A thing is not proved because no one has ever questioned it.
Skepticism is the first step toward truth.

A billion here and a billion there. Pretty soon it adds
up to real money.

There is no education like adversity.

There are three kinds of lies. Lies, damned lies
- and statistics.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.

Time goes - Oh no!
Time stays, we go.

Economist think that the poor need them to tell them that
they are poor.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for
another court.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant
because it isn't here.

The only thing Columbus discovered was that he was lost.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but having inherited the
earth, will they continue to be meek?

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man--and I will show you a failure.

Genius is one per cent inspiration and 99 per cent

Nine tenths of a woman's intuition, is supposition.

Somehow the people who do as they please seem to get
along just as well as those who are always trying to
please others.

A poor man is one who gets his money by earning it.

It seems as if the world is divided into two sets of people.
One set engaged in making money by productive labour and
the other set are simultaneously engaged in taking it away
from them.

A good man who goes wrong is just a bad man who has been found

The only thing that beats a good wife is a bad husband.

It is easy for a man to manage his wife. All he has to do
is follow her instructions.

When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder
how she found out.

Only the man who is a failure sneers at success.

The only people who don't quarrel over religion are
the people who don't have any.

Forgive your enemies -- but if you have no enemies,
forgive a few of your friends.

Most of life's shadows result from standing in your own light.

Men continually study women, and know nothing about them. Women
never study men, and know all about them.

Churchmen should guard against putting words of their own
choosing into the Almighty's mouth.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

The middle of the road is all of the usable surface. The extremes,
right and left, are the gutters.

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the
fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken
better care of myself.

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people
wanting to be important.

It is a luxury to be understood.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die
of civilization.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and
plain dealing.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Nature has given to men one tongue, but two ears, that we may
hear from others twice as much as we speak.

In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift - is taxes.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

If fifty million people believe in a dumb idea - it is
still a dumb idea.

It is human nature to think wisely and to act in an absurd manner.

Religion has done sex a great service by making it a sin.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is
that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A man in love is no judge of his woman's beauty.

Which is the more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or
the man afraid of the light.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and sex, you
wont live longer - but it will seem longer.

A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has
the better lawyer.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the
moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until
you get to work.

Pollution is nothing but the resources we are not harvesting.
We allow them to disperse because we've been ignorant of
their value.

He was a very valiant man who first tried eating oysters.

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn
something from him.

If you dont think about the future, you might not have one.

To a man with an empty stomach - food is God.

Any fool can criticize, and many of them do.

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's
superiority to all that befalls him.

To love is to admire with the heart - to admire is to love
with the mind.

The silliest thing in the world is to plan to leap a chasm in
two bounds.

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

Its easier to believe in God than to accept the blame ourselves.

No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success
or "get rich" in business by being a conformist.

It is better to be hated for what you are than
loved for what you are not.

One doesn't discover new lands without being prepared to lose
sight of the shore for a time.

Money will not buy poverty.

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

Behind every great man is a woman with nothing to wear.

It is the absolute right of the state to supervise the
formation of public opinion.

National hatred is something peculiar. You always find
it strongest and most violent where there is the lowest
degree of culture.

When ideas fail - words come in handy.

If Columbus had had an advisory committee - he would
still be at the dock.

If a growing object is both fresh and spoiled at the same time,
chances are it is a child.

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

Never contend with a man who has nothing to lose.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool
from his friends.

You can go crazy or you can go peacefully.

Figures won't lie, but liars will figure

Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs.

Chivalry is the most delicate form of contempt.

If economists predicted the weather and weather forecasters
predicted the economy - would we be any worse off?

Power over a man's subsistence amounts to power over his will.

War makes rattling good history; but Peace is poor reading.

One nice thing about egotists - they don't talk about others.

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think
like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself
a "realist", he is preparing to do something he is secretly
ashamed of doing.

God cannot be solemn, or he would not have blessed men with
the gift of laughter.

Committee: a group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling
to do the unnecessary.

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have
always been times like these.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
fire department uses water.

Back of every achiever is a proud wife and a surprised

It's incredible how much intelligence and time is taken up
trying to prove nonsense.

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of conveying the truth.

A big lie is more plausible than simple truth.

The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.

There is always a majority of fools.

Fancy giving money to the Government
Might as well put it in the drain
Fancy giving money to the Government
No one will see it again.
They've no idea what money's for
Ten to one they'll start another war.
If they think that's what money's for
Fancy giving money to the Government!

Good planets are hard to find

A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity
to the status of a religion.

Many people have played themselves to death. Many people have eaten
and drunk themselves to death. Nobody has thought himself to death.

There's a mighty big difference between good sounding reasons
and reasons sounding good.

The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.

The handwriting on the wall may be a forgery.

It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbour.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

Power corrupts the few - while weakness corrupts the many.

Faith in a holy cause is to a considerable extent, a
substitute for the lost faith in ourselves.

Many of the insights of a saint stem from his experience as a sinner.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate
each other.

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the
means he uses to frighten you.

People who bite the hand that feeds them, usually lick the boot that
kicks them.

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

The best way I know to win an argument is to start by being in
the right.

The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
nor the great scholars great men.

It not so much where we stand, but in what direction
we are moving.

Justice is incidental to law and order.

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.

What people say behind your back is your standing in the

It is a matter of regret, how many low, mean suspicions
turn out to be well founded.

Everyone has two eyes and one mouth. The trick is to keep
the two open and the one closed.

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and
persecute living ones.

Some people can stay longer in an hour than other people
can in a week.

There is no failure worse than giving up before giving
your best.

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

A miracle: an event described by those to whom it was told
by those that did not see it.

To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

A committee is a thing that takes a week to do what one good
man can do in an hour.

The safest way to double our money is to fold it over and
put it in your pocket.

Few things are as uncommon as common sense.

The person who agrees with everything you say is either a
fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

A friend that isn't in need, is a friend indeed.

The suffering of the rich is among the sweetest pleasures
of the poor.

Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward
that causes all the trouble.

A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the
right to be taken seriously.

Experience is not what happens to a man - it is what a man
does with what happens to him.

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

No man is any the worse off because another acquires wealth
by trade, or by the exercise of a profession. On the
contrary, he cannot have acquired his wealth except by
benefiting others to the extent of what they consider
to be its value.

As long as a woman regards the Bible as the charter of
rights, she will be the slave of man. The Bible was not
written by a woman. Within its leaves, there is nothing
but humiliation and shame for her.

It is a thousand times better to have common sense without
education than to have education without common sense.

Women prefer men who have something tender about them.
Especially the legal kind.

It isn't what people think that is important but the reason
they think what they think.

One man with courage makes a majority.

Your children need your presence more than your presents.

The Bible is nothing but a succession of civil rights struggles
by the Jewish people against their oppressors. (Jesse Jackson)

The price of freedom of religion, of speech and of press
is, we must put up with and even pay for, a good deal of

Lives based on having, are less free than lives based either
on doing or on being.

There is no greater lie than a truth misunderstood.

A great use of life is to spend it on something that will
outlast it.

A man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.

I'm a great believer in luck - I find the harder I work
the more luck I have.

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two
words where one will do.

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider
himself public property. (Thomas Jefferson)

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known.

You have four boxes that protect your freedom. They are the
soap box, the ballot box, the jury box and the cartridge box.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and
the other is to let her have it.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are
too strong to be broken.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

We are inclined to believe those we do not know, because
they have never deceived us.

If I find you an argument, I am not obliged
to find you an understanding.

A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they're loaded
or not.

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.

An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer,
except his memory.

Originality is the art of concealing your source.

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you
have, for instance.

Imagination is the eye of the soul.

It is better to debate an argument without settling it, than
to settle an argument without debating it.

Children have more need of models than of critics.

Academic training isolates people from reality.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt it.

You can't sit on the lid of progress. If you do, you could
be blown to pieces.

If we are to abolish the death penalty, I can imagine
the first step taken by murderers and other criminals.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
scorn. Yet we blow our car horns to break up traffic jams.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast,
accurate and stupid.

Don't get mad, get even.

Obesity is really widespread.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he's open minded when he has
a hole in his head.

My interest is in the future because I am going to be spending
the rest of my life there.

The difference between intelligence and education is that
intelligence will make you a good living, without having to
rely on someone else to employ you.

In the long run we are all dead.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a
bridge even where there is no river.

I am a part of all that I have read.

The tyrant dies and his rule ends - the martyr dies and his
rule begins.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere
ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of
comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge
and controversy.

I had six honest serving men
They taught me all I knew:
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who. (Kipling)

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one
who talks to you about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist
is one who talks to you about yourself.

Nature gave man two ends - one to sit on and one to think with.
Since then, man's success or failure has depended on the
one he uses most.

Experience is knowing a lot of things you shouldn't do.

I tend to be suspicious of people whose love of animals
is all consuming - they are often frustrated with their
relationships with other people.

Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion.

Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work - so most
people will not recognise them.

The supply of government exceeds the demand.

The future is not a gift - it is an achievement.

A bore is a person who deprives you of your solitude without
providing you with company.

Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pains of stupidity.

People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They
would rather have one good soul-satisfying emotion than a
dozen facts.

Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the
ideals that were the Founder's, than any other agency in the

A critic is a man created to praise greater men than himself,
but he is rarely able to find them.

I have a simple principle for the conduct of life.
Never to resist an adequate temptation.

The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as
playing a poor hand well.

Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases - think for yourself.

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first.

Too often we give children answers to remember rather than
problems to solve.

We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

You can make a better living in the world as a soothsayer than
as a truthsayer.

A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbour's throat without
having his neighbour notice it.

Freedom of the press is guaranteed to those who own one.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

What kills a skunk, is the publicity it gives itself.

Those who suppress freedom always do so in the name of
law and order.

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.

New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed,
for no other reason than they are not already common.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you'll be fired
with enthusiasm.

I believe I've found the missing link between animal and
civilized man. It is us.

When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing
can cure it but the scratching of a pen.

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and cannot be
persuaded to say it.

There's only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment.
It's the human ego.

The acceptance of every man of genius is considerably helped
by his being dead.

The incompatibility between science and religion is simply this:
a scientist will not believe anything until he sees it and a
religious man will not see anything until he believes in it.

A narrow minded person has his brain on a fact free diet.

It is a blind goose who comes to the fox's sermon.

The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just
done you a small favor wish he might have done you a greater one.

Yesterday is a cancelled cheque; tomorrow is a promissory note;
today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely.

A woman is a woman until the day she dies but a man's a man
only as long as he can.

Then up spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the Gate:
'To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers
And the temples of his Gods?'
Lord Macaulay

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

Hatred is acquired as much by good works as by bad ones.

The fear of death is the source of all religions.

A man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

The indispensable requirement for a good newspaper - as eager
to tell a lie as the truth.

Power never takes a back step - only in the face of more power.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Bores bore each other too, but it never seems to teach them anything.

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.

Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And
when we are right, make us easy to live with.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

"Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give some people.

A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.

Money is like a sixth sense, and you can't make use of the other
five without it.

Pity is the flattery a failure craves so that he might
preserve his self-esteem.

Art for art's sake makes no more sense than gin for gin's sake.

The value of money is that with it, you can tell anyone
to go to hell.

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are
so much easier to give up than bad habits.

People will sometimes forgive you the good you have done them but
seldom the harm they have done you.

I have not been afraid of excess: excess on occasion is
exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the
deadly effects of a habit.

Love is only a trick played on us to achieve the continuation
of the species. (Somerset Maughan

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy man
has no time to form.

Business is a combination of war and sport.

The effectiveness of work increases in geometric progression
if there are no interruptions.

Style is the hallmark of a temperament stamped upon the
material at hand.

The fate of books depends on the capacity of the reader.

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself
and then says them about other people.

Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have
to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough
to think it's important.

Never retract, never explain, never apologize - get the thing done
and let them howl.

The trouble with being a breadwinner nowadays is, that the
government takes such a big slice.

The world belongs to the enthusiast who keeps cool.

Leadership is action, not position.

Winning is overemphasized. The only time it is really important
is in surgery and war.

Our strength is often composed of our weakness that we're
damned if we're going to show to anyone.

It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't.

No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved.

If you jot down every silly thought that comes into your head,
you will soon find out everything you most seriously believe.

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it
for a while, you'll see why.

It is important to our friends to believe that we are
unreservedly frank with them, and important to our
friendship that we are not.

Every society honors its live conformists and its dead

We are all born brave, trusting and greedy. Most of us
remain greedy.

Adds are the cave art of the twentieth century.

Cash is the poor people's credit card.

Good taste is the first refuge of the non-creative. It is
the last ditch stand of the artist.

Politics offers yesterdays answers to today's problems.

In order to be a diplomat, one must speak a number of
languages, including double talk.

In the fight for survival, a tie or a split decision simply
will not do.

The trouble with being tolerant is that most people think
that you don't understand the problem.

No matter how many communes anybody invents, the family
always creeps back.

Anybody who has any doubt about the ingenuity or the resourcefulness
of a plumber never got a bill from one.

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish, he'd stay away.

Woman's liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's
the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear
children. And no one's likely to do anything about that.

Things have come to a dead stop, when religion is
allowed to invade our private life.

You cannot enlighten the unconscious.

The utterly fearless man is a far more dangerous comrade
than a coward.

Better to be with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed at

"Know thyself" is a good saying, but it is better to
"Know Others."

There is quite a difference between "I can't do it" and
"I won't do it". Usually it is the latter.

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either
right or wrong, and that 99 per cent of them are wrong.

Opera is to music what the bawdy house is to a cathedral

A good politician is as rare as an honest burglar.

The chief contribution of most religions to human thought,
is its massive assumption that God is a bore.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance
for the conscience of their parents.

On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both
distrust women.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

Imagine the Creator as a comedian - and at once the world
becomes explicable.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail.
If it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear
all the evidence.

Life is a dead end street.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Conscience is that inner voice that warns us that someone
may be looking.

There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism,
and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior
capacity for happiness.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the
occurrence of the improbable.

An idealist is one who notices that a rose smells better
than a cabbage and concludes it will also make a better soup.

There's no underestimating the intelligence of the public.

We must respect the other bloke's religion, but only in the same
sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory, that his
wife is beautiful and his children little angels.

Christian theology is not only opposed to the scientific spirit;
it is opposed to every other form of rational thinking.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that
age brings wisdom.

My guess is that well over 80 percent of the human race goes
through life without having a single original thought.

A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation.

Most people in this world want security before freedom.

Neurotic means he's not as sensible as I am, and psychotic
means he's like my mother-in-law.

I expect that woman will be the last thing civilized by man.

The men who make history have no time to write about it.

Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish.

I can admit when I'm scared because it takes common sense to
know when you ought to be afraid.

It is conceivable that religion may be morally useful without
being intellectually sustainable.

My candle burns at both ends
Though it may not last the night
It gives me pleasure seeing it
For it gives a lovely light

I love humanity, but I hate people.

Destiny is doing what you are supposed to in life. Fate is
what kicks you in the backside and makes you do it.

A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration
for her feelings.

One of the best things people could do for their descendants
would be to sharply limit the numbers of them.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own
particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

I respect faith - but doubt is what gets you an education.

A bloke who is always declaring he's no fool, usually
has his suspicions.

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated
sufficiently to reason incorrectly.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known.

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory, as the wish
to forget it.

We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge but we
cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.

No one escapes talking nonsense - the misfortune is to
take it seriously.

Home is not where you live - but where they understand you.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed
on the forehead.

There are three ingredients in the good life. Learning,
earning and yearning.

The enemies of the future are always the very nicest people.

We judge ourselves by our motives and others by their actions.

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with
its necessities.

A Vietnamese man was asked why women, after centuries of following
their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded
land mines since the war.

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.

One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young
people to bed at a decent hour.

Life is a great surprise. I don't see why death should not
be an even greater one.

Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the mainstream and dam it up.

When you win, nothing hurts.

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.

Men take only their feelings into consideration - never
their abilities.

Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker

I drink to make other people interesting.

There are four classes of travel. First, second, third, and
with children.

Telling lies can get you into hot water, but tell the truth
and you could end up in in boiling oil.

Truth is stranger than fiction but not nearly so popular.

A liberal is a man who's more shocked by alleged brutality on
the part of the police than by real brutality on the part of
the criminals

We are creating the kind of society where the criminal is out
of jail, before the victim is out of the hospital.

In a dictatorship, the people are afraid to tell the truth to
the leaders. In a democracy, the leaders are afraid to tell
the truth to the people.

The best way to get a good education is to curl up with a
good book or a naughty librarian.

The world pays more heed to lies that are yelled than to truths
that are quietly spoken.

Just about any man and woman can share a bedroom, but
sharing a bathroom, that's something else.

Men offer love in the hope of getting sex, women offer
sex in the hope of getting love - and both are cheated.

A peace loving nation is one that has already obtained
by aggression, all the territory it can handle.

In backward countries the police execute the criminals
In progressive countries, criminals execute the police.

We find fault with others, not so much because the fault
exists, but because we want to find it.

"A Planned Economy" - that's when the politicians
make the plans, and the taxpayers make the economies.

Never interrupt a silence unless you can improve upon it.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
in the right time, but to leave unsaid the true thing at the
tempting moment.

When luxuries become necessities, that's decadence.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

The thoughtless are rarely wordless.

A man will blame others for his failures, but never credit them
for his successes.

Very little is known about the war of 1812 because the
Americans lost it.

O God, give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed;
courage to change what can be changed, and wisdom to
distinguish the one from the other.

He who cannot lie does not know what the truth is.

'Faith' is the art of overlooking completely, that which is
more likely to be true.

In individuals, insanity may be rare, but in mobs, groups, parties,
organisations and nations, it is the rule.

A ship is called she, because it costs so much to keep one
continually painted and preened.

When a man points a finger at somebody else, he should remember
that four of his fingers are still pointed at himself.

Journalism: A profession whose business it is to explain to others
what it personally does not understand or care about.

No man is as anti-feminist as a feminine woman.

Society can transport money from the rich to the poor,
but only in a leaky bucket.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase
arousal in women. Among these is the Mercedes Benz
380 SL convertible.

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a
lot of rubbish into it.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world,
not to the man who the idea first occurs.

All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thee art
a little suspect.

Judgement of beauty can err with wine and fading light.

Who can refute a sneer?

My body is a temple so I have people in for services once a week.

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acid stains you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses can give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are
"cheque enclosed".

I do everything for a reason. Most of the time the
reason is money.

There are only two kinds of men. Those righteous who believe
themselves sinners - and sinners who believe themselves

When we read too fast or too slowly, we understand nothing.

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
from religious conviction.

The last thing one knows is what to put first.

If all men knew what was said of the other, there would not be
a friend in the world.

Those who condemn wealth are those who have none and see no
chance of getting it.

I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by
dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor
bastard die for his country.

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by
praise than saved by criticism.

Ecologists believe that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

A good meal makes a man feel more charitable toward the
whole world than any sermon.

Oh God, help us not to despise or oppose what we do not
fully understand.

Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless
you stop pedalling.

Public office is he last refuge of the incompetent.

Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not
to know how to chase it away by work is more shameful.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
a reputation as an expert.

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

It takes a very long time to become young.

The Moslems offer one God and three wives - Christianity
offers three Gods and one wife.

When the mind is thinking, it is talking to itself.

The harder you work, the luckier you get.

Never tell a lie - unless lying is one of your strongpoints.

Marriage is a great institution and no family should be without it.

Life too is an epidemic, sons catching it from their
fathers, daughters from their mothers.

Some are bent with toil and some get crooked trying to avoid it.

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange
of ignorance.

It is not wise to be wiser than necessary.

It is fatal to live too long.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills
out a job application form.

One, with God, is always in the majority, but many a martyr
has been burned at the stake while the votes were being

I am not sincere - not even when I say I am not.

If you are afraid of being lonely - don't try to be right.

The government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during
the danger, and a courageous person afterwards.

How a minority,
Reaching majority,
Seizing authority,
Hates a minority.

One of the weaknesses of our age is our inability to distinguish
our needs from our greeds.

If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies.

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their
product that they do on advertising it and they won't have to
advertise it.

It's funny, but no matter how common our blood is, we hate
to lose any of it.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Diplomats are just as essential for starting a war as soldiers
are for finishing it.... You take diplomacy out of war and
the thing would fall flat immediately.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to stand on the
side and clap as they go by.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The more I see of men, the better I like dogs.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that
is softness of head.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a railway
carriage - but if he has a university education, he may steal
the whole railroad.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing.

Foreign aid is the taxing of poor people in rich countries for
the benefit of rich people in poor countries.

I never cease being dumfounded by the unbelievable things
people believe.

Old people love to give good advice - it compensates them
for their inability to give a bad example.

Conceit causes more conversation than wit.

Science is what you know, philosophy is what you pretend to know.

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for
trivial reasons.

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge
as long as you remember its not to be taken seriously.

Most people would rather die than think - in fact most do.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure
and the intelligent full of doubt.

Egotism is nature's compensation for mediocrity.

I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.

The result of separating the spirit from the flesh is that
it has created convents and brothels.

Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its
hands and goes to work.

Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

There is no cure for birth and death save enjoying the interval.

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.

People are usually more firmly convinced that their opinions
are precious, than that they are true.

Intelligence is quickness in seeing things as they are.

Those who are convinced that they have a monopoly on the
truth, always feel that they are only saving the world when
they slaughter the heretics.

Pride is the direct appreciation of oneself.

Only the past is immortal.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive.

The year I was born, 1939, the exhibits at the New York World's
Fair tried to predict in great detail what the next fifty years
would look like. Amongst many other things, the computer wasn't
even mentioned.

It is possible to know too much. A man with one watch knows what
time it is. A man with two watches may not be as sure.

Some laws, though unwritten, are more firmly established
than all written laws.

No man ever became wise by chance.

Death is sometimes a punishment, often a gift, to
many a favour.

Drunkenness is simply voluntary insanity.

It better befits a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.

It is often better not to see an insult than to seek revenge
for it.

When I think over what I have said - I envy dumb people.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

As computers become more deeply involved in society and
reachable by more and more people, they are going to have
to be more and more fun.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
upon the support of Paul.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Beware of false knowledge - it is more dangerous than ignorance.

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous
without ability.

Patriotism is your conviction that your country is superior to
all other countries because you were born in it.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die, any more than it
ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Morality is not respectability.

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like
what you get.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible mans of support.

The difference between success and failure is doing a thing
nearly right and doing a thing exactly right.

Appearance overpowers even the truth.

There is nothing that you can have when you are old that
can replace being young and having nothing.

When I hear any man talk of an unalterable law, I know I
am listening to an unalterable fool.

It is a terrible waste to speak well and be wrong.

Nobody has a more sacred obligation to obey the laws, than those who
make the laws.

Ask not what you can do for your country, for they are
liable to tell you.

The first quality for an historian is to have no ability to invent.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand

Originality does not consist of saying what no one has ever said
before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself.

Flattery is all right if you don't inhale.

It is often easier to fight for principles than to live up
to them.

He who slings mud generally loses ground.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes
he has to eat them.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no
preparation is thought necessary.

Of course there's a different law for the rich and the poor;
otherwise who would go into business?

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and
then complain that he's not the man she married?

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you
the formula for failure - which is - Try to please everybody.

Treating addiction to heroin with methadone, is like
treating addiction to scotch with bourbon.

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.

One beer is OK, two is too many, three is never enough.

I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a
frame of mind.

Parenthood remains the single greatest preserve of the amateur.

If you want to eat an elephant, you don't do it in one bite.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I have found that the best way to give advice to your
children is to find out what they want and then advise them
to do it.

I never give anyone hell. I just tell the truth. They
think it's hell.

I've been rich and I've been broke. Rich is better.

Go and try to disprove death.

How do they get the non stick coating to stick to the
frypan ?

Courage is resistance or mastery of fear, not absence
of fear.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Ethical man -- a Christian holding four aces.

It's not those parts of the Bible I can't understand
that bother me, its the parts that I do understand.

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them, the rest of us
would not succeed.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much
as you please.

When I was a boy of sixteen, my father was so ignorant, I could
not understand how he had got where he was. But when I got to be
twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in
five short years.

Clothes make the man. Naked men have little or no influence
on society.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a
good example.

Always obey your superiors - if you have any.

Name of the greatest of all inventors - "Accident".

Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits.

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.

Faith that does not include some doubt is a bad faith.

Every marriage tends to consist of an aristocrat and a
peasant - a teacher and a learner.

Nothing in the world annoys a person more than
not being taken seriously.

The future is not what it used to be.

Government is the only institution that can take a valuable
commodity like paper and make it worthless by applying ink.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large
research staff to study the problem.

Outer space is like juvenile delinquency -- the more we
investigate it the more of it there seems to be.

If God did not exist, he would have to be invented.

Ninety percent of people were created so you would want to be
with the other ten percent.

When your down and out, something always turns up--and it's
usually the noses of your friends.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious.

The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most
singular noticeable things of all literature.

The intelligence is proved not by ease of learning but by
understanding what we have learned.

Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get
along without education. Education enables a man to get along
without the use of intelligence.

I can resist anything except temptation.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

There is one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
and that is not being talked about.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man died for it.

A man who does not think for himself, does not think at all.

Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.

The worst vice of a fanatic is his sincerity.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them more.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Platonic love is from the neck up - and anyone believing this
type of relationship possible has no head.

There are no illegitimate children--only illegitimate parents.

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday
For what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

A show of envy is an insult to the person displaying it.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it,
the more you've got.

Scratch the Christian and you will find the pagan

People have one thing in common: they are all different.



 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
 when you say the paint is wet?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

 What is the speed of darkness?

 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special

 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
 tomorrow, how cold will it be?

 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage

 Can you cry under water?

 What level of importance must a person have before they are considered assassinated
 instead of just murdered?

 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
 idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like,
 every two hours?

 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look
 at things on the ground?

 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle
 curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.

 If you aimed to fail - and you succeeded, are you a failure - or not?


Yep....... there's always more..............

©Ted Middleton 2014.

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