MARRIAGE

         That there was ever a 'perfect' person to walk upon this
         Earth is truly a miracle in itself. Close on the heels of
         this must be the happy union of a man and a woman for life,
         where each can retain their own individuality and confidence.
                 (Just a minute while I go to the bathroom!)

	 I did have some words of wisdom (?) recorded here but have now
	 decided to put in some humour instead to keep it light.


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  Wedding Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa, man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest
cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

(Isn't funny better than serious!)

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The Love Dress

 The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
 house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
 daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
 "What are you doing?" she asked.
 "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
 answered.
 "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
 "Love dress? But you're naked!"
 "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
 me  happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be
 home from work any minute."
 The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
 way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
 undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front
 door.
 Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked
 by the door.
 "What are you doing?" he asked.
 "This is my love dress" she replied.
 "Needs ironing." he said.


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 Q: Why are married men heavier than single men?
 A: Single men come home, see what's in  the fridge and go to bed.
    Married men come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.


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Marriage Names

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton
       John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
       Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Snoopy Dog married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoopy Dog Pooh.

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	  Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding

 Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
 Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
 Offer to show people pictures of the bride in the nude
 Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.
 Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a
   drug rehab. clinic.
 As you move down the receiving line, pick your nose.
 Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
 Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they
   came from.
 Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
 After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your
    bra, throw your bra..."
 Tell everyone that the groom had to be given valium to keep him from
    backing out.
 Tell the priest there's no money to pay him.
 Return a bra which the bride "left" in your car.
 When the bride is coming down the aisle, pay the organist to start
   playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."
	
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Big Mouth

 A Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
clocked you at 130 kph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100,
perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her magazine the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Dammit woman, can't you keep your trap shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $100 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's drunk."

				  ooooOOOOoooo
				  
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in
the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.			  

				  ooooOOOOoooo

  Man : "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
       God : "So you would love her."
       Man : "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
       God : "So she would love you."

                                      oooo00000oooo
				 
Lonely Adam
-----------
	One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
	to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

	"What's the problem, Adam?",  God replies.

	"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
	me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
	I'm just not happy."

	"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

	"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
	food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

	"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create
        a 'woman' for you."

	"What's a 'woman', Lord."

	"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
	beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
	that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will
        be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and
        how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens
        and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and
	desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", said the Lord.

	"Sounds great Lord."

	"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

	"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam asked.

	"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear,
	your left big toe and two nose hairs."

	Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
	concern on his face. Finally he says to God, "Please Lord, what
	can I get for just a rib?"

	And the rest is history................
 				 
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    Silence, the Final Frontier
                      Where No Woman Has Gone Before
		      
				 
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     Sorry ,,,,,,, I've only just started this page and still adding
                                       ooooOOOOoooo

©Ted Middleton April 2002.

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