MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES
          Before I attack this section with opinions likened to someone
        with no qualifications and plenty to say ...(me?) ........I've
        started it with scientific observation showing there is very real
        and conclusive proof of glaring male and female differences.

        Apart from anything else one may conclude, "that which we all seem
        to know" (?) is obvious ....ie.  males are generally detached,
        curious, rough and tumble and rampantly thoughtless.
        Which of course we mere males will always naturally admit to (?).

        Females on the other hand,  are generally attached, accepting,
        gentle and thoughtful.  As they will often tell us themselves!

        This is NOT generalisation or opinion, but cold hard fact derived
        from scientific and general observation by highly qualified
        academics over a long period of time.....who obviously have nothing
        better to occupy their considerably lengthy idle moments.

        I offer the following article called "Brain Sex" in support of my
        above conclusions which are not arrived at lightly or without some
        length of observance and experience.

        When you've read it you'll appreciate more my following genuine
        attempts at humorising those differences which should exercise the
        minds of those with not a lot on their minds
                              -----------------


*EXCERPTS FROM A VERY WELL WRITTEN AND WORTHWHILE BOOK...
"BRAIN SEX: The real difference between men and women"
by Anne Moir, Ph.D. and David Jessel.
Dell Publishing (paperback), New York, 1992.


        Men are different from women. They are equal only in their common
        membership of the same species, humankind. To maintain that they
        are the same in aptitude, skill or  behaviour is to build a society
        based on a biological and scientific lie.

        The sexes are different because their brains are different. The
        brain, the chief administrative and emotional organ of life, is
        differently constructed in men and in women; it processes
        information in a different way, which results in different
        perceptions, priorities and behaviour.

        In the past ten years there has been an explosion of scientific
        research into what makes the sexes different. Doctors, scientists,
        psychologists and sociologists, working apart, have produced a body
        of findings which, taken together, paints a remarkably consistent
        picture. And the picture is one of startling sexual asymmetry.

        Some researchers have been frankly dismayed at what they have
        discovered. Some of their findings have been, if not suppressed, at
        least quietly shelved because of their potential social impact.
        But it is usually better to act on the basis of what is true, rather
        than to maintain, with the best will in the world, that what is true
        has no right to be so.

        A hundred years ago, the observation that men were different from
        women, in a whole range of aptitudes, skills, and abilities, would
        have been a leaden truism and a statement of the yawningly obvious.

        Such a remark uttered today would evoke very different reactions.
        Said by a man, it would suggest a certain social ineptitude, a
        naiveté in matters of sexual politics, a sad deficiency in
        conventional wisdom, or a clumsy attempt to be provocative.
        A woman venturing such an opinion would be scorned as a traitor to
        her sex, betraying the hard-fought "victories" of recent decades as
        women have sought equality of status, opportunity and respect.

        Yet the truth is that virtually every professional scientist and
        researcher into the subject has concluded that the brains of men and
        women are different. There has seldom been a greater divide between
        what intelligent, enlightened opinion presumes - that men and women
        have the same brain - and what science knows - that they do not.

        Recent decades have witnessed two contradictory processes: the
        development of scientific research into the differences between the
        sexes, and the political denial that such differences exist.
        These two intellectual currents are, understandably, not on speaking
        terms. Science knows it dabbles in matters of sexual difference at
        its risk: at least one researcher into the field of gender
        differences was refused a grant on the grounds that "this work
        ought not be done".

        At a few hours old girls are more sensitive than boys to touch. Tests
        between the sexes of tactile sensitivity in the hands and fingers
        produce differences so striking that sometimes male and female
        scores do not even overlap, the most sensitive boy feeling less
        than the least sensitive girl. With sound, infant females are much
        less  tolerant - one researcher believes that they may "hear" noises
        as being twice as loud as do males. Baby girls become irritated and
        anxious about noise, pain or discomfort more readily that baby boys.
        Baby girls are more easily comforted by soothing words and singing.
        Even before they can understand language, girls seem to be better
        than boys at identifying the emotional content of speech. From the
        outset of life, girl babies show a greater interest in communicating
        with other people.

        One study involves babies of only 2-4 days old. It shows that girls
        spend almost twice as long maintaining eye contact with a silent
        adult, and girls also look longer than boys when the adult is talking.
        The boys' attention span was the same, whether the adult was talking
        or not - showing a relative bias towards what they could see, rather
        than what they could hear. From the cradle, baby girls like to gurgle
        at humans. Most boys are just as talkative, but are equally happy to
        jabber away at cot toys or looking at abstract geometric designs.
        Boys are more active and wakeful than girls - the male-wired brain
        of activity at work.  The female bias towards the personal shows
        itself in other ways. At four months, most baby girls can distinguish
        photographs of people they know from photographs of strangers; baby
        boys cannot."

        The brain biases persist and strengthen as children grow up, "seeing"
        life through that particular filter of the brain which they find
        easier, and more natural, to use. That bias in girls towards the
        personal, for instance, shows up in experiments. A group of children
        was given a rather special sort of sight test. They looked through a
        contraption rather like a pair of binoculars, which showed the left
        and right eye two different images at the same time. One was of an
        object, the other of a person. The children had been shown exactly
        the same images, but when asked what they had seen gave different
        replies. Boys reported seeing significantly more things than people,
        and girls more people than things.

        As the months go by, and the child stands upright, the boys tend to
        show a greater interest than the girls in exploring the corners of
        their small world. Their greater muscle-mass helps them explore and
        range further than their sisters, and they make fewer journeys back
        to the reassuring base-camp of mother. Scientists have devised a test
        where a barrier is strung across the playroom, separating mother and
        child. The girls tended to stand at the centre of the barrier and
        cry; the boys made little safaris to the edge of the obstacle to see
        if there was a way round it.

   [Under the heading "Pre-School"]
        The infant sexes differ in the way they play.      According to one
        English study, having said goodbye to their mothers at the school
        gates (taking an average 92.5 seconds for girls, 36 seconds for boys),
        boys will wheel off into the playground. There, they will play more
        vigorously, and occupy a much larger play-space than the girls. In
        the playschool classroom, the boys will be much more interested in
        building structures out of blocks, playing with any kind of vehicle
        - indeed with anything which does something, be it a door handle or
        an electric switch. Girls will opt for more sedentary games, and,
        if they build, will tend to build long, low structures while boys go
        for toppling height in their creations.

        A newcomer to the playgroup - of either sex - will tend to be greeted
        with friendship and curiosity by the girls; with indifference by the
        boys. There is irritation if the newcomer follows the boys about;
        girls will tend to welcome the stranger into their group. By the age
        of four, boys and girls usually play apart, having instituted their
        own form of infant sexual segregation. Boys tend not to bother about
        whether or not they like any particular member of the gang - he's
        included if he's useful; girls exclude other girls because "they're
        not nice". Girls accept younger children into the group; boys tend
        to try to join groups of older children. Girls know and remember the
        names of their playmates; boys often don't.

        Boys will make up stories of zap, pow and villainy. Girls' narratives
        focus on home, friendship, emotions; the boy will tell the story of
        the robber, while the girls tell the same tale from the point of view
        of the victim.
               (end)

        That's how boys and girls start to differ at a very early age....now
        on with this ("crude") observer's ramblings.

                        --------------------------


     THE UNSPOKEN LORE OF MEN

     Now as much as I may have made the odd "comment" on the strange ways of
     the "gentler - dainty" sex, I must confess my "source of knowledge" to
     be directly accessed from a lifetime learning that which cannot possibly
     be learned in a lifetime.       In other words I'm no expert!

     Though the average male will "strut" his qualities as that of a tough
     and fearless intelligent leader put upon this earth to right the wrongs
     he finds  "confronting" him.....I in my (superior?) wisdom.......do
     suspect there is at times a reluctant acceptance of this role playing
     tough man boredom.  This,  accompanied by a profound yearning to "stand
     down" at times and relax from it all, paints another  side of the male
     superman myth (a myth spread by man himself!).

     There are many females who will attest the fact that most males are
     capable of ( if not reluctant to admit ) thoughtful and tender acts
     that belie the myth of the male toughness and devil may care attitude...
     ....a behaviour ingrained into the male ethos since creation.

     The times a bloke has had to stand up without flinching - in situations
     that demand he doesn't display the terror he could be feeling yet dare
     not show..... I am familiar with.   The times his wife and family may
     be shattered and reduced to tears by some unfortunate event and he must
     do what is demanded at and comfort them without the same emotional
     release..........I am also familiar with.

     Yet men can see a sad movie and find tears rolling down their cheeks as
     much as anyone else.....but feel we mustn't....... so heavily are we
     programmed not to - and the fear we may be letting someone down as well
     as tears being "unmanly" for us to shed.

     Family movies in the "Lassie" or Benji" mould  could also cause the off
     guard relaxed man to find himself prone to these feelings.

     And its not odd, just because people haven't seen an adult male do this.

     He just follows the rules as he knows them.  Blokes usually remain
     pillars of strength, tear free and dependable through any tragedy or
     general setback.

     I saw my father shed tears for the first time as we buried a family pet.
     Boy was I shocked at the time.....now I only realise how little I really
     knew about my dad and many other things then.

     Men are often accused of being "little boys in straw houses", so maybe
     their tears are more likely to flow when they're "hit where they live".

     The unwritten rules that govern habit and defines what it is to be a
     bloke are not always obvious. These built in prime directives that even
     males themselves cannot explain are often hard to for the male to
     deviate from.

     (Sometimes I'm really convinced its no fun being a male - then I see a
       pretty woman.......and suddenly its worth it all again!!!!)


                  ****************************************
                  *                                      *
                  *    SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP "GROUCHY".   *
                  *                                      *
                  *  MOST OF THE TIME, I LET HER SLEEP!  *
                  *                                      *
                  ****************************************


     Humans are basically the same in male/female human behaviour and similar
     to the male/female behaviour in many other species.

     Females generally family oriented gentle forward thinking creatures,
     while males project their tough aggressive protective hunter and
     provider image that has no time for the gentleness he sees as the
     domain of women.

     Even in such small behavioural patterns as changing channels on a TV
     set.....women will first check the current TV guide and carefully work
     out which program she decides is best for the family and will not turn
     the set on if nothing is suitable.  Man will turn on the TV first and
     proceed to flick from channel to channel - endlessly at times - and will
     settle on something eventually - no matter what is on - probably to
     display to anyone watching that his "hunt" was not in vain.

     Here we see the pattern - woman the nester.......man the hunter.......
     and the past and genetic roles so hard to change.

     A wounded female will seek medication as soon as its needed.....and that
     is logical.  But what makes the wounded male's prime directive to seek
     out his attacker before any other thought enters his mind (I have known
     this feeling) shows a completely different behavioural pattern that's not
     in line with male logic or consistency even.

     How can the female so peacefully walk away from aggravation and the male
     be so incited that he has to respond ....instinctively and in most
     cases thoughtlessly?

     Why does the male automatically take it upon himself to be the guardian
     of all those he knows.  Does male have a sense of "ownership" of his
     family to drive him.  Does he instinctively feel he is the protector of
     his flock and MUST respond and defend. Does male have greater senses of
     jealousy than the female.      (Will Lassie ever come home daddy?)

     Is the female more calm and calculating than the male?

     No one seems sure - but somewhere way back in our forgotten past are
     the building blocks of our macho or demure makeups and we could also be
     further influenced by some events in our formative years that drive our
     responses and aggressions as often shown by marked differences between
     individuals.

     Words from Dad, Mum, a teacher or coach, the effect upon us while being
     in the Boys Brigade or Scouts, the impact upon us of forgotten heroes
     like  "Beam me up"  engineer Scotty or James T.Kirk,  a movie like
     Gungadin - "Lassie's Adventures" or The Charge of the Light Brigade,
     our like of a certain sports idol, an unforgettable (or forgettable)
     experience, incidents that happened while playing or watching footy,
     incidents that occurred while hanging out with the mates or something
     we experienced that left us feeling deprived, ashamed or shaken up.

     All, some, or maybe something else - may have altered our makeup into
     adulthood ....temporarily or even for the rest of our life.....for better
     or for worse!   Who knows.   Sometimes we ourselves are not aware of
     what stirs our emotions or responses.


                     ***************************
                     *       CAUTION!!         *
                     * I go from zero to bitch *
                     *    in 0.7 seconds!      *
                     ***************************


     Maybe the macho side of man goes back to caveman times when "Sensitive
     New Age Guys" were unheard of. Men had to be tough and protection of
     their family and/or tribe was a responsibility that couldn't be avoided.

     The weakest males did not at times survive the frequent attacks of these
     macho males,  whose unsuppressed feelings today would attract little in
     the way of reward or compassion.

     Those who survived passed on their strong but aggressive genes and
     presto.........maybe that explains the unexplainable!

     Maybe these macho unthinking toughs killed off the sensitive ones many
     thousands of years ago.  Maybe the girls already suspect us surviving
     guys and that's why they get so mad with us at times. (Someone stop me)

     Maybe you think I'm rabbiting on?................. (Naaaaaahhh!)

       For modern misters and misses, I've compiled a brief list of unspoken
       guidelines for them to brush up on.


       The author was millions of years in the making - it should be good but
       its like everything else in life, not guaranteed to please everyone
       (maybe anyone even?).


============================================

       These rules may look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've
       documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend/ husband
       or boyfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this
       sort of stuff instinctively!"


     THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:  (Only women know theirs!)

     * On car trips with the family, never ask for directions.
          You are the leader and everyone is relying on you to lead.
          You mustn't lose face by letting those who rely on you
          suspect anything. On a drive from Sydney to Melbourne,
          hold the families attention until you have passed right
          through Adelaide
     * It's okay to stop and ask for directions when you're driving
          with another guy because he won't sit patiently bye as
          you pass the same "Hungry Jacks" for the third time.

     * Inch forward at stoplights to stay up with the other blokes
           on either side of your car. Dont let them get the drop
           on you - you've seen the Australian Grand Prix!

     * Never let anyone think you dont know anything about your cars
           mechanics......even if you dont know what a dipstick is.
           If you're at a loss for conversation with a mechanic at
           any time, just try anything....like "maybe the exhaust
           is exhausted".

     * A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to work out
           a simple matter like programming his new VCR...but to
           cook something as simple as potatoes, a bloke will follow
           the recipe like a nuclear chemist.

     * Don't confess that you know little, and couldn't care less,
           about a particular sport, especially if it's during the
           end of year finals and those around you are excitedly
           talking about it. Join in like one of the boys you are
           and try to hold the floor as long as you can - just
           like your mates do.

     * Never admit you don't understand an issue that's raised.
           Opinions are like whiskers...you're just a kid if you
           dont have lots of them.

     * You mustn't peek at the TV guide if there's a remote control
           within reach.  Just dive bomb your way through all of
           the 99 or so channels available, regularly stopping
           along the way to peruse anything interesting and
           especially any commercials you may not have seen before.

     * Next time you spill something on the floor,  mop it up with
           a thick absorbent bath towel.  And as its obviously not
           manly to get down, use your foot to manipulate the towel
           in large circular motions till the mess is mopped up or
           suitably spread.  Dice the towel for safety sake.

     * Never give your mates compliments.  Its far more the "man"
           thing to say something like "Scored four goals eh......
           couldn't make it five?" or "How was the lobotomy".
           When happy to see your mate greet him by saying "How are
           you going you old bastard" or "Bloody hell, are you
           following me around or something".  These little phrases
           will help cement the male friendship without appearing
           sissy to either party.

     * If another male says something to you that you dont really
           completely understand, never ask him what he meant as
           this will make you appear stupid.  Beat his brains in
           first and when he is unconscious, ask him again, so you
           can then say he was ignorant as well.

     * Never reveal anything about your true rate of sexual activity
           to another guy, unless he's a doctor and even then, only
           if your life depends on it.

     * A man has to be "more" in every way than his girlfriend is.
           He must earn more, be taller, smarter, stronger and most
           important of all uglier!  He must be able to beat her at
           ping pong, snakes and ladders, billiards and football. If
           she presses her ability to beat him at boxing, they will
           have no future together.

     * If there are more than two urinals in a rest room and one is
           being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal at
           all times, remembering these are all strangers and dont
           want to afford them any chance of inadequate feelings.

     * Anytime you're in the men's room by yourself, you needn't
           wash your before you leave.  But if anyone else is there,
           scrub your hands like you were preparing to do surgery.

     * If you can't take "it", you're not a man (whatever "it" might
           be).  If you're worried of heights you'd better be ready
           to be scared shitless without batting an eyelid, if your
           mates want to go skydiving. They'll never let you forget
           it if you chicken out.

     * You must deny yourself the acknowledgment of pain and all of
           the accompanying sound effects like moaning or screaming
           especially.  Cuts requiring stitches may only be referred
           to as "a scratch" and broken bones said to "slow me down
           a bit."  Sound effects while throwing up are permitted.

     * Never openly display or discuss a broken heart with mates.
           Keep this between yourself,  your six pack  (or "slab"
           depending on the dose required),  your Bob Marley records
           and your "onion" affected eyes.

     * Don't tell another bloke your innermost feelings or secrets.
           You may have noticed that your suit of "male armour" not
           only locks pain in, but allows uncontrolled laughter at
           any fool who takes his off for a moment.

     * If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up
           your Fosters or Fourex with the boys. Pull on your Nikes
           (or thongs) and pound the pavement with gay but fruitless
           abandon,  as heart attack will always draw attention from
           your obesity.

     * All men are au fait (born familiar!) with guns.  Just hand a
           an automatic FN hi tech army rifle to naive university
           professor or a bloke who has never held one before and
           observe how they competently look down the sights, click
           the trigger and generally appear like they disassemble and
           assemble the damned thing in quick time everyday!.
              It must be there in our genes I guess!

     * At the start of the football season, go shopping with your
           wife or girlfriend as much as possible. This will serve
           two purposes:  First, you will be on hand to give as much
           negative advice when asked (to save yourself money?) and
           secondly,  keeping up with the little lady will increase
           your fitness more than  any footy practice session will.
           But:  Dont be too disappointed if at first you cant keep
           up with her.



     THE FEMALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:   =    (Dont ask me!)



                               oooooOOOOOooooo
I've seen people very serious about the following..... again, none of this is
is serious (maybe a little?) so just enjoy the difference as I know you will.



GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm Glad I'm A Woman................
I don't live on Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters
I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
I don't belch in public,
I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman......................
I don't have excess body hair like shag carpeting
  and it doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
Hair on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome and
  I wont have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have
  these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
I wont tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you
  then roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman...............
I don't long for male bonding,
I don't cruise for chicks
I dont join the Hair Club For Men
I dont think with my dick
   I'm a woman by chance
     and I'm thankful it's true
   I'm so glad I'm a woman
     and not a man like you!




GLAD I'M A MAN
Everyday I give thanks to god I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs
I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on.
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal
I understand sports
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man.......................
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply make-up in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man.....................
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Girls....
         I love your pretty faces
         your warm and soft embraces
         The most ardent of your chasers
         But I'm not for tradin' places
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man....................
I don't take a pill,
I find Michael Bolton
completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man


                               oooooOOOOOooooo

        There are many basic differences between the male and female,
        not the least of which are their habits and thinking patterns.

        For instance:
            Men see things the way they are
             Women see things the way they prefer
            Men strut big but are attracted to small and dainty
             Women strut small and dainty but are attracted to big
            Men shake hands firmly to crushingly
             Women shake hands gently
            Men interrupt other speakers more
             Women interrupt other speakers seldom
            Men use speech fillers (um, er, etc.) often
             Women use speech fillers seldom
            Men use slang and sloppy speech more
             Women are more articulate with language
            Men sound more monotone when they speak
             Women are less monotone when they speak
            Men lean back and relax when you talk to them
             Women lean forward while they listen
            Men gesture away from their body while they talk
             Women gesture toward themselves
            Men tilt their head or mouth when speaking
             Women tend to smile and nod while speaking
            Men speak loudly in abrupt slow tones
             Women speak softly in flowing fast tones
            Men disclose little about their feelings
             Women disclose more about their feelings
            Men are more basic by description (ie. green is green)
             Women use finer descriptions (ie. green is emerald)
            Men get straight to the point (ie. "get me a beer")
             Women beat around the bush (ie. "say please first")
            Men talk little about their relationships
             Women talk often about their relationships
            Men see events as having a beginning, middle and end
             Women see events as flowing and continual
            Men are less emotional
             Women are more emotional
            Men become aggressive when frustrated
             Women cry when frustrated
            Men fidget a lot when bored
             Women fidget less when bored
            Men tell more jokes
             Women tell less jokes
            Men play more practical jokes
             Women play few practical jokes
            Men hold few grudges
             Women hold more grudges
            Men are more analytical
             Women are more emotional
            Men give few compliments
             Women give many compliments
            Men show less affection
             Women show more affection
            Men swear more
             Women swear less
            Men boast more
             Women boast seldom
            Men gossip seldom
             Women gossip often
            Men find apology difficult
             Women find apology easier
            Men have a forked tongue
             Women have two tongues  (just joking)

           (Sorry - but I think we came off second best in this flurry guys!)

       She....... "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.
                   I'd like to watch him have another."

        There can be no argument that women are generally the more
        responsible,  men being just large boys in disguise.

        As for who has the most fun.........that's for you to decide.


RELATIONSHIPS:
--------------
First up, a bloke doesn't refer to a relationship as a relationship.
He recalls it as " when me and her were doing it regularly".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she'll write little poems of what rats men are and how
she will never trust one again.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Months after the break-up he
could ring her at any time and tell her how he misses her and try to make
arrangements to see her "one more time".  If she refuses he will tell her
how much time he wasted with her and threaten to belt up her new or next
boyfriend and what a bag she is anyway. Then he'll tell his mates how she
rang him but he refused to go out with her again.


Sex:
----
Women like a great deal of foreplay prior to sex because they consider this
to be romantic and enhancing.

Men consider the fact of thinking about it as he drives to the motel is
enough foreplay and likes to cut to the chase immediately.


Maturity:
---------
Women mature faster than men. Most 16-year-old females can handle a
relationship, while most 16 year males are still hanging around with their
mates and discussing what they want to be when they grow up.


Conversation:
-------------
    Female Subjects>>>  The family
                        Shopping
                        Who is having an affair
                        Who is available (?)
                        Who is getting divorced
                        Labor pains
                        Pre menstrual cramping
                        Beauty aids and operations



    Male Subjects>>>>>  Cars
                        Sports
                        Who is a good screw
                        Who they'd like to screw
                        Who broke the shackles
                        Who they think is a pain
                        What cramps their style
                        What a "natural" they are


Handwriting:
------------
When a man writes anything, it is done plainly and with the urgency that
makes it worth writing in the first place.

Women on the other hand tend to use coloured and or scented stationary
for their letters. They meticulously top the i's with little heart shaped
dots and cross the t's with little love arrows. Any g's,  j's, p's or y's
have long accentuated or round tails below them and various doodle like
marks adorning the finished page. Even if its a nasty letter she's writing,
it could include a happy face drawn somewhere on it or still have the
S.W.A.L.K. written on the back of the envelope.


Bathrooms:
----------
Go into any bathroom and take stock of who personally uses what.
The man has his razor, shaving cream, brush and aftershave, a toothbrush
and toothpaste, a cake of any old soap and any old towel will be OK.

The other 200 items, that constitutes the national debt, belongs to the
woman.


Shopping:
----------
A woman will make a list of what is required for the next week. Then she
will promptly go to the store and come back with twice as much.

A man will only go shopping when white is the only colour visible inside
the frig and will buy anything that catches his eye and considers he is
finished shopping when he cant fit another thing in the trolley.

Then he will try to go through the "8 items or less" checkout.

Laundry:
--------
Women will do the laundry every few days.

A man will do the laundry only when  every article of clothing he owns,
including his overalls and even the clothes that haven't fitted him for the
last five years are in the dirty laundry basket. And then, not before he
has worn both sides of his T shirts and 'rediscovered' articles that he can
"squeeze" another day out of.


Going out:
----------
When the man has to go out he is hastily ready and on time to go. He says
he is ready and he is.

The woman who has to go out can start hours before the man and is still not
ready on time.   When asked finally, she will say she IS ready.............
........except she cant find something suitable to wear!


Dressing Up:
------------
A woman just has to dress up for any occasion. This includes going shopping,
taking the kids to sports or ballet, visiting the neighbors, watering the
pot plants, jogging, emptying the mail box or reading a book.

This is the reason the man usually answers the phone.

The man will unhappily dress up for weddings and funerals only.


Hair:
-----
A woman will have her hair done at least once, a month or on every occasion
she feels its warranted in between -  and each time it will be done in a
different way to some degree so that it suits the occasion  or at least is
not the same as the last time. It may be styled, blow dried, waved or
straightened, permed, curled, streaked, dyed or set and at the odd time, cut.

She may add to her hair, a scarf, hairpins or copious amounts of hairspray,
a headband,  a tiara or other fancied adornment, or maybe top it all of with
a wig, a hairpiece or a hat from a vast selection that may only be worn once
after the original purchase. The average cost of this visit to the
hairdresser can range anywhere from $30 up to $125 and can take anything
up to 3 hours to complete.

As well, she may engage the services of a trained person to file and paint
her fingernails or attach acrylic talons over her own.     This could cost
anywhere from $50 to $100 .

The man will have his hair cut every six weeks on average or as required.
His haircut costs around $15 and can take anything up to 15 minutes
to complete and he'll chew his own fingernails



Preening
--------
Besides the hairdresser, a woman has discovered many other ways to achieve
that "natural" look.

For maximum starting impact she will shave under her arms, shave her 'bikini'
line and legs, wax her legs and arms, pluck her eyebrows (and immediately
draw them back on again), colour or blacken her eyelids, glue on eyelashes,
throw on some rouge and powder for that 'fresh' look and colour her lips to
highlight her mouth and natural smile.

The man will have a shave and comb his hair.


Diplomacy:
----------
When asked - no matter what she is wearing - men will always tell the woman
she looks great.

The man never asks the women how he looks because he knows she will convince
him to change his complete outfit several times before leaving.


Family:
----------
A woman knows all about her children.  Their birthdays, all their various
appointments and needs, their fears, weaknesses, strengths, preferences and
aspirations.

The man vaguely suspects there are little people sharing his house.


Sport:
----------
A woman can become interested in sports via her children's preferences, and
will support them and their needs no matter how much time or outlay it takes.

But she cannot understand why the man can religiously watch football on TV
every Saturday afternoon or why he bought "that ridiculous" supporters hat.

Engaging in sport is seen by the woman as an ideal time to make a fashion
statement. She carefully choose the most expensive outfit possible that she
considers enhances her own particular view of herself and includes a fancy
head band and sox that usually have a dangling fluffy ball at the back or
front of them.  Every outfit for their 'rough and tumble' activity must be
a different designer co-ordinated colour to anyone else's or it will end up
in the rag bag.........and another one purchased.

The man will support his children in sport, as long as they play football,
he will be seen wearing his old boxer shorts or T shirt and thongs when he
plays sport.


Special occasions
-----------------
The woman will fondly describe the romantic wedding ceremony.
The man will remember only the fun of the 'bucks party' before.

The woman will recall the moving experience of a funeral.
The man will recall how much he does or doesn't miss the bereaved.

The woman remembers the wedding anniversary before it arrives.
The man remembers it when he is reminded of it afterwards.

The woman doesn't want to be reminded she's having another birthday
because it  means she is another year older, but God help the man
if he forgets her birthday.
The reminds everyone its his birthday and uses it as an excuse for
another celebration.



Presents
--------
At Christmas time a woman will carefully choose a present for each of the
children with a thought for what each is interested in. 5 year old Melissa
will get a nice little doll and pram while 9 year old Raeleen will get
the new roller skates she's always wanted. Young Stevie 13 will get that
nice new Atari game that teaches you how to spell.

If left to the man, he will buy Stevie a new shoot-em-up Nintendo game that
doesn't fit his Atari system and the two girls will get a machine gun each.


Presentation
------------
The woman will purchase fancy wrap and ribbons along with cards for each
persons present weeks before the occasion and will spend hours wrapping
them and filling in the card for each.

The man will buy the presents the day before and sit up all night playing
with them. The children will not need to bother with unwrapping them the
next day and could even find the batteries are flat when they get them.



Nicknames:
----------
The woman will sometimes invite a few of her friends around for a cup of
coffee and slice of cake or biscuit. She will welcome them as Mavis,
Patricia, Judith and whatever. For a couple of hours they will discuss
fashion, decorating, cooking and other women .

They seem to know when its a reasonable time to leave - and they drive
themselves home in the comfort and safety of their car.

The man will have his friends arrive unannounced at any time. No matter
what their name is, he will greet them with "how are you you old bastard"
and each will then be referred to "Dork Brain", "Useless", Shithead" or
whatever for the rest of the night. They will drink huge amounts of beer
and eat hands full of peanuts. They discuss sports, hobbies, cars and women.
In the early hours of the morning, they seem to know when its time
to go home because the beer's all gone and they cant walk.

As they stagger out, they will all agree how handy their car is right now.

Activity.
---------
        Ask a man what he did all summer and he will say he played football,
        cards, went fishing, fitted a new stereo to the car, helped his mate
        work on his boat, installed a new program on his computer and went
        to the club a few times.

        Ask a woman what she did all summer and she'll tell you her hair and
        nails!

A Wife :
--------
        -is happiest when someone takes her daughters hand in marriage
        -can LOOK happy when she has unexpected dinner guests.
        -may have only known one man in life, but says she knows them all
        -expects everything from the man - and is always disappointed
        -offers the cheek that is kissed.
        -thinks plants can talk
        -the animal she most resembles is a cat - it does what it pleases too.
        -can dish it out but can't cook it.
        -dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
        -has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills,
           and has a fed-up husband.
        -sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never
           have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.
        -her age is HER business, and she never talks business.
        -admits approaching 30 but never from which direction.
        -doesn't learn from his mistakes - she remembers them.
        -whenever someone asks her age - she only tells half of it.
        -thinks the E in on the fuel gauge stands for ENOUGH.
        - can suffer in silence louder than anybody.
        -thinks what a man doesn't do is more important than what he does do.
        -can tell the man's lying because his lips are moving.
        -hears one word and understands two.
        -can make nothing sound like something.
        -comes right out and says what she thinks even if she agrees with you.
        -thinks he is unpleasant when he isn't drunk as well.
        -never forgets what he says when he is angry.
        - doesn't know what she wants and doesn't like what she's got
        -values herself more than all other women, but values other's
            opinions of herself more than her own.
        -the more unhappy she gets, the more she tries to liberate herself.
        -when she starts to understand her man, she stops listening to him.
        -one word from the man is usually enough to start an argument.
        -thinks open-mindedness is hole in his head.
        -lets him do all the talking - but only with others.
        -always lets you know what kind of person she should have married.
        -knows she is not so clever, just that he is such a fool.
        -knows everything you think is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
        -thinks to err is human but to forgive is unusual.
        -thinks why be difficult, with a bit of effort she can be impossible?
        -sees men who think they know everything as annoying to women who do.
        -can determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
        -will look at her man and think "I'm not as dumb as you look".
        -doesn't believe it's easier to ride a horse the way he is going.
        -Can resist a mans advances but is better at blocking his retreat

A Man
-----
        _is reluctant to give away his daughters hand in marriage (or any
            other part of her)
        -can BE happy when they have unexpected dinner guests.
        -expects very little from the woman and is never disappointed.
        -could have known many women, yet admits he understands none
        -kisses the cheek that is offered
        -knows there are lots of things you can't "say with flowers!"
        -his definition of a romantic evening is having sex
        -his idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so she
            can vacuum.
        -his favourite perfume is beer.
        -the difference between him and E.T is that E.T phoned home.
        -the animal he most resembles is a guard dog, except not as loyal.
        -he thinks a good 7 course meal is a meat pie and a six pack.
        -sees marriage as the sole cause of divorce.
        -doesn't try to have the last word because he knows he might get it.
        -falls asleep easiest if the woman says she wants to talk.
        -would drink wet cement if he thought it would get him stoned.
        -will get lost in space without women, because he wont ask directions.
        -can always make himself misunderstood.
        -divides his time between running the office and running for cover.
        -has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
        -gave up privileges he never knew he had.
        -is spouse-broken.
        -If asked "What's on the TV?" will diplomatically reply "Dust!"
        -puts his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
        -puts his cards on the table, but still has some up his sleeve.
        -doesn't tell his wife everything because what she doesn't know
            won't hurt him.
        -believes everyone should believe in something - especially having
            another drink.
        -no matter how much he does, he knows it's never enough.
        -sees marriage is an institution - but doesn't want to live in one.
        -thinks a wife of forty should be like money - able to be changed
            for two twenties.
        -regards the plural of spouse as spice.
        -sees sex as the most fun you can have without laughing.
        -can look at his wife and wish she was a beer.
        -wants to live forever or die in the attempt.
        -can completely miss an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.



What most men expect of women:
------------------------------
        She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
        She could have married a movie star, but wanted only him.
        She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
        Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
        She will never be sick...just allergic to jewellery and fur coats.
        She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for
                her figure.
        She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
                or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
        Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and washing the car.
        She will hate credit cards.
        Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you dear?"
        She will think he has Einstein's brain and the body of Mr Universe.
        She will wish he would go out with the boys so she could get
                some sewing done.
        She will love him because he's the exciting person he is.


What he gets:
-------------
        Someone who is not as young as they are painted.
        She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts of up to 180.
        She is a light eater...as soon as it gets light, she starts eating.
        Where there's smoke, there she is...cooking.
        She sees his two faults...everything he says and everything he does.
        She doesn't let lack of money interfere with spending.
        She defies gravity - never comes back to earth.
        Someone who can say "I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make
          any difference".
        Her ounce of image costs many pounds.
        Someone who sees his right to an opinion but doesn't want to hear it.
        Someone that he has just where she wants him.
        Someone who can look him in the eye and say "I  know you think you
          understood what I said,  but what you heard was not what I meant.
        Someone who knows what he thinks - even when he's not thinking it.

House rules:
------------
1.  The woman always makes the rules.
2.  These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3.  No man is expected to know these rules but he must not break them.
4.  If the woman suspects the male knows these rules, she may vary them.
5.  The woman is never wrong.
6.  If the woman IS wrong it is the direct result of something the man
      said or did wrong.
7.  If rule number six applies, the man must immediately apologize for
      causing the misunderstanding.
8.  The woman can change her mind at any given point in time.
9.  The man must never change his mind unless it differs from the woman.
10. The woman has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The man must remain calm at all times, unless directed otherwise.
12. The woman under no circumstances will let the male know whether she
    wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any mans attempt to remember these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The woman always has the last word.


Mans stages of life:
--------------------
1. Having fun.
2. Trying to have fun.
3. Remembering the last time he had fun.
4. Forgetting the last time he ever had fun.


Woman's stages of life:
----------------------
1. Get away from her mum
2. Never be the same as her mum
3. Looking and acting exactly the same as her mum
4. Getting back to her mum

        Its natural that I can only make observations of women from
        limited experience, ie because I am not one - and from a male
        point of view, which could be infuriating for some of the more
        militant of the "gentle gender" who may read this.

        I continue undaunted and beyond physical reach of these ladies.......

        Why is it that a woman will wear a riding outfit when she wouldn't
        consider getting on a horse.... A golf outfit when she doesn't know
        how to play....A bathing suit when she has no intention of actually
        getting wet......A plunging neckline and she hates people staring at
        her.....Makeup when she doesn't want to make up..........Carry an
        open umbrella when its not raining..........(anyone game to answer?)

        But when she puts on a wedding dress she really means business!!

        She can stand in front of a mirror for hours and admire herself.
        (Though its obviously imagination with some.) She calls this her
        vanity (but God help you if you do).

        Women will boast that children are so much fun to take out.
        Men know this is silly - one beer, two max, and the kid would
        fall off the stool!

        Women say they understand the laws of supply and demand yet some
        cant see when they're not supplied with whats in demand.

        Why is it you give a woman an inch and she thinks she is a ruler.

        Mothers will tell their daughters that twenty five years ago, girls
        would never have thought of doing what they do today.......but wont
        admit that's the only reason they didn't do them.

==============================


             "The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
                 (or "This is my guess - whats yours!")

     WIFESPEAK                 ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
     ---------                  -----------------
* You want             <==>    I want
* We need              <==>    I want
* It's your decision   <==>    What I want should be obvious by now
* Do what you want     <==>    You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk      <==>    I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead    <==>    I don't want you to
* I'm hungry           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
                               (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
                                   your last $$, and go drive across town
                                   and get me something to eat. ... I don't
                                   care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset        <==>    Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly  <==>    You need a shave and you're sweating a lot
* You're certainly     <==>    Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional!   <==>    I'm having a PMS attack you idiot
  And I'm not over-
  reacting!
* Be romantic, turn    <==>    I have flabby thighs
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so   <==>    I want a new house
  inconvenient
* The car needs fuel   <==>    I abandoned it and caught a taxi home
* The trash is full    <==>    Take it out
* The dog is barking   <==>    Go to the freezing outside in your underwear
                               and see what is wrong
* I want new curtains  <==>    and carpeting - and furniture - and wallpaper
                               to match
* I need wedding shoes <==>    the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture     <==>    NO! I mean hang it here!
  there
* I heard a noise      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me?      <==>    I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love <==>    I did something today you're really not going
  me?                          to like


Her answer to....."What's Wrong?"

* Nothing              <==>    Everything
* Everything           <==>    I forgot my mascara stick
* Nothing, really      <==>    It's just that you're such a mongrel
* I don't want to talk <==>    Go away, I'm still building up steam.
                               about it

                             oooooooOOOOOooooooo

           *****************************************************
           *                                                   *
           *      Two's company......and three's the result    *
           *                                                   *
           *****************************************************


                             oooooooOOOOOooooooo

Please take the following as "intended for a giggle"
(even if you could possibly think it close to the mark)


                         The Male Lament
                         ---------------

 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the Rat
    Race, you're a mail chauvinist pig.
 If you stay at home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
 If you work too hard, there is never any time for her and the kids.
 If you don't work hard enough, you're a good for nothing layabout.
 If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that is exploitation.
 If we have a boring repetitive job with low pay, we should get off our
    backside and find something better.
 If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism, if she
    gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.
 If we mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment, if we
    keep quiet, that is typical male indifference.
 If we cry, we're a sheila (girly), if we don't we're an insensitive
    bastard.
 If a man thumps her, that's wife bashing, if she thumps him, that's
    self defence.
 If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's an insensitive,
    arrogant bastard without any thought for her feelings...... if
    she makes a decision without regard for his thoughts, then she's
    a liberated woman.
 If he asks her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is domination,
    if she asks him, it's a favour.
 If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, we're sexual
    perverts, if we don't notice, we're poofs.
 If we like a woman to keep in shape and shave her legs, that is sexist,
    if we don't care, that is unromantic.
 If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is vanity, if we don't then
    we're slobs.
 If we buy her flowers, we're after something, if we don't we're thoughtless.
 If we are proud of our achievements, we're lairs or exhibitionists, if we
    aren't we're not ambitious.
 If we ask for a cuddle we never think of anything else but sex.
 If we're totally whacked after a bad day at the office, we are insensitive
    to other people's needs.
 If she has a headache, it's because she's tired. If he has a headache,
    it's because he doesn't love her anymore.
 If we want to make love too often we're oversexed, if we can't respond on
    her cue, there must be another woman in our life.

                             oooooooOOOOOooooooo

                    *********************************
                    *                               *
                    *  Familiarity breeds contempt  *
                    *                               *
                    *         (and children)         *
                    *********************************

                             oooooooOOOOOooooooo

  These are a couple of scientific papers prepared by me during my recent
  attendance at the University of Hard Knocks.  Like all my other papers
  here, I trust no one will attempt to mark them for me because that's not
  the reason they are submitted .......(heh heh)..


                          Subject: CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
                          ---------------------------


Element: Women
**************
Symbol: WOE 2U

Discovered by: ADAM

*Atomic Weight:
 Varies considerably - controlled state and least
dangerous weight with least volatility is around
60kg per unit, but there are known isotopes ranging
from  90 to 200, with highly radioactive occurrences
at 250 and better (avoid at all costs).

*Occurrence:
The species occurs at approximately the same ratio
and in the same areas as its opposite, which
it uses as a tool for  sustenance and propagation
purposes only.  Mostly inhabits busy urban areas and
regularly congregates at beauty parlours, shopping
centres or weight reduction clinics, except for regular
morning and afternoon school visits (from which nothing
is learned).


*Chemical Properties:
1. Is basically made up from Water (H2O) 95%, Iron 5%(In)
   as is the male of the species. The differences between the
   two is easily distinguishable by the female's much higher
   Gold(Au),silver(Ag) and platinum(Pt) content, along with
   precious and semi-precious stone adornment. Unlike the
   male of the species, the female is capable of far greater
   absorption of these extra minerals and stones and it's
   perhaps for this reason she requires such large amounts
   of time and materials in pursuit of her maintenance.

2. Its integrity is not affected by massive exposure to many
   types of liquids - apart from ethanol (or other alcoholic
   mixtures).
3. Withstands great pressures but reportedly will yield if
   handled correctly. (Reports vary greatly over 5000 years)
4. Capable of spontaneous explosion if mishandled.


*Noted Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft. Has many interesting
      irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted film.
   a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
      fingernail.
   b) Some specimens will exhibit a tendency towards coatings of
      thickly applied films resulting in eyes that greatly darken
      or enlarge and these features can melt in a sudden storm.
      Beware this variety as they may be prone to cracking and
      melting and pose extreme danger of lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from a virgin metal
   to a common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold but extreme caution is advised as overheating greater
   than "global ozone capability" is possible.
8. Is most dangerous to other females of the species.
9. Every female knows more than any male.

*Mental Properties:
   Anyone she lives with and all possessions within reach!

*Acknowledged and Known Uses:
1. Highly ornamental - in moderation of course.
2. Can aid in relaxation, stimulation or consternation.
3. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
4. Capable of making dinner reservations.
5. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get
   versions to perform trivial tasks.
       The downside.......
1. Has been known to cause much anxiety - leading to global
   warfare at times!
2. Most expensive of the species to maintain.
3. Unlike the male of the species, the female has not been
   known to forget.


*Tests Carried Out:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside nicer specimen.
3. Becomes coy when confronted with straight talk and
   likes to beat around the bush.

*Caution:
1. Highly dangerous. No amount of experience will help.
2. Illegal (and dangerous) to possess more than one at a time.
3. Under no circumstances allow one to drive a car.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
   outbursts and general shrieking.  Grease where necessary.
5. Known for clogging up telephones for long periods.
6. Affinity for manufacturing little people.
7. Generally seeks a lawyer when wounded.

**Note:
1. Most specimens would be worth keeping if you could just
   control the darned things!

                               ooooooOOOOOoooooo


                          Subject: CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
                           --------------------------
Element: MAN
************
Symbol: MACHO

Discovered by: Eve

*Atomic Weight:
 Varies considerably - controlled state and least
dangerous weight is unknown, but generally the male
averages in the narrow 70 to 120 kg., range, but there
are known isotopes ranging up to 460,  with highly
radioactive occurrences at 500 and better (avoid at
all costs and do not attempt to lift).

*Occurrence:
The species occurs at approximately the same
ratio and in the same areas as its opposite, which
it uses as a tool for routine maintenance and food
preparation around its place of abode. Mostly inhabits
busy urban areas and regularly congregates at hotels,
football matches and billiard tables, except for the
regular morning and afternoon comings and goings to
its place of work - where it does very little.


*Chemical Properties:
1. Is basically made up from Water (H2O) 95%, Iron 5%(In)
   as is the female . The interesting difference between
   the two (apart from the females own peculiarities)
   is easily distinguishable by the male's much higher
   ethanol and hops content accentuating the midriff
   extension that can be negligible to enormous on some
   of the specimens.
   Unlike the female, the male is capable of far greater
   absorption of these extra liquids and it's not
   unusual for male to carry out this odd habitual pattern
   for non stop periods of 40 hours or more.

2. The male integrity is not affected by massive exposure
   to many types of liquids - apart from drinking water
   which is used purely for hygiene purposes.
3. Withstands great pressures but reportedly will yield to
   pressure from the female.
4. Capable of spontaneous explosion if embarrassed or caught
   out with no clever saying.


*Noted Properties:
1. Surface very rough yet interior has low melting point.
   Has many interesting irregularities such as  usually
   covered in lawn trimmings, dust or axle greases.
   a) Avoid those that seldom remove their lawn trimmings,
      dust and axle greases.
   b) Some specimens will exhibit a preference for not being
      prepared to be covered in lawn trimmings, dust and axle
      greases and it is noted in these cases that all manual
      labour is either left to the female or the male moves
      in with another male who has similar eyesight problems.
      Beware this variety as they may be prone to weak wrists
      and pose extreme danger to propagation of the species.

2. Boils at nothing but will not freeze.
3. Melts if given any encouragement.
4. Positively unstable if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from a very rare
   "gentleman" to the common "yobbo".
6. Selective specimens may even have a pleasant aroma,  but these
   are shunned by their mates.
7. Hard to understand why the female is attracted to this
   extremely wild and uncouth male specimen but it has been
   often noted the calming effect she can cast over him.
8. Is most dangerous to himself when aroused.
9. Every male is managerial material, can solve all and
   every problem and if he could, would do everything his
   way - which would then make all things better!

*Mental Properties:
1. Anyone he lives with and all possessions the female
   will allow him.

*Acknowledged and Known Uses:
1. Highly protective of "his female" and offspring to the point
   of committing "Hari - Kari" to himself.
2. Can aid in sustenance, maintenance and obstinance.
3. Some versions capable of cancelling your day.
4. Capable of keeping dinner reservations.
5. With a minimum of complaint, it is possible to get some
   versions to arrive home at a reasonable time.
       The downside.......
1. Has been known to cause much anxiety in all minds but his
   own.
2. Most economical of the species as long as he is imbibing.
   .....in moderation of course!!
3. Unlike the female of the species, the male has not been
   known to ever remember.


*Tests Carried Out:
1. Pure specimens turn front on if discovered in natural state.
2. Dislikes being compared to rock singers or film stars.
3. Likes being confronted with straight talk providing he does
   not feel he is under attack or accusation. Doesn't mind
   "Beating Around the Bush" as long as its near a pub.


*Caution:
1. Highly dangerous if left to his own devices.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen
   but they are willing to try anything.
3. Under no circumstances get in a car with one at the pub.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent hearing spontaneous outbursts
   of loud and lewd language of a friendly nature if you
   are accepted as a mate.
5. Known for ripping telephones from walls. (In lieu of leaping
   over tall buildings)
6. The closest affinity for children he has is being vaguely
   aware that "little people" share his house.
7. Generally seeks his aggressor when wounded.

**Note:
1. These specimens too would be worth keeping - but they are
   even harder to control than the female specimen.

                               ooooooOOOOOoooooo

              **********************************************
              *                                             *
              *    Men dont use sex to get what they want   *
              *       because sex IS what they want!        *
              *                                             *
              ***********************************************


                               ooooooOOOOOoooooo


             These would be the 5 toughest questions a women could ask an
         unsuspecting partner - and an attempt at the least offending list
         of answers.

The five questions are:
1 -  "What are you thinking?"
2 -  "Do you love me?"
3 -  "Do I look fat?"
4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
 a -  Work
 b -  Football
 c -  How fat you are.
 d -  How much prettier she is than you.
 e -  How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it
by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking
instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:


2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, with all my heart". Wrong answers include:
 a -  I suppose so.
 b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
 c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
 d -  Does it matter?
 e -  Who, me?


3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
 a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
 b -  Compared to what?
 c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
 d -  I've seen fatter.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
      insurance policy.


4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard
that you almost had a car accident,  or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
 a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
 b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
 c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
 d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
      insurance policy.


5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tyres of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following mock scenario:

 "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
 "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why
  do you ask such a question?"
 "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
 "No, of cause not, dear" said the husband.
 "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
 "Of course I do, dear" he said.
 "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
 "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
 "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
 "Yes" said the husband.
 "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
  pause.
 "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
 "I see," said the wife indignantly."  And would you let her wear my
  old clothes?"
 "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
 "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
  pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
 "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
 "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose
  you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
 "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 So very true dont you agree:

    100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Woman
    ---------------------------------------
1.  For you, the telephone becomes a lethal weapon
2.  You can always get a job in a movie, as long as you're willing to go naked.
3.  You know stuff about flower arrangements.
4.  It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your
    bags when you're on vacation.
5.  Two words:  Soap Opera
6.  It's imperative you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
7.  You can have company in the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
8.  You can let someone else open all your jars without your friends laughing.
9.  You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters look forward to you visiting.
11. You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
12. Your breasts ARE a factor in a job interview.
13. You know why they put lids on toilets.
14. There's no such thing as a beer gut.
15. You take pride in your appearance - which includes fingernails.
16. Your purse is fully utilised for emergencies .
17. You can forgive Bill Clinton.
18. You look at going to the bathroom as one of the highlights of the evening
19. You can choose whether or not to hyphenate your last name.
20. Making a hotel bed brings you deep inner satisfaction.
21. People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
22. You can cook food.
23. The kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms, and living areas are all yours.
24. People don't think you have an ulterior motive for being thoughtful.
25. You have the ability to find the serious side of John Cleese.
26. You never have to change the oil.
27. You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
28.  Getting ready to go somewhere calls for careful planning.
29.  Sex enhances your control.
30.  You don't have to buy the wedding rings.
31.  "Forgetting to invite" someone to something is a great revenge tactics.
32.  Your designer underwear gives you a good feeling.
33.  Its okay if you take the elevator one floor down
34.  Crying gets you out of any stressful situation
35.  Hair does not grow out of your ears
36.  You don't think sweat is cool
37.  When you are 19 and single, everyone notices you
38.  You have the secret power to somehow hold back wind.
39.  You can bake and people don't think you're gay
40.  You drive safely and apply makeup at the same time.
41.  "I have a headache" can get you out of any difficult situation.
42.  You can control a Prime Minister
43.  You can have a car accident and people don't question your womanhood
44.  Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
45.  You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're weird
46.  Sex is nothing more than icing on the cake to you
47.  You can be instantly famous simply by wearing a wet white tee shirt!
48.  You can change your mood by simply buying a new pair of shoes
49.  You can whistle without a guy thinking you're coming onto him
50.  Worrying about what people think becomes a sport
51.  You know the result will only be as good as the lead up work.
52.  You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and be welcomed
53.  You have chairs offered to you
54.  Watching construction workers from a window is considered recreation
55.  You are never laughed at for dishes in the sink
56.  You have an average life span that is four years longer than men
57.  You never have to change a flat tyre in the rain
58.  Its a good feeling when someone notices that you got your hair cut
59.  You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support
60.  Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens
61.  There's no such thing as a mid life crisis
62.  You can say that you like to watch Friends and no one thinks you're gay
63.  If you don't want to swim, you can just say its not a good time now.
64.  People don't seem to notice when you display one of your twelve moods
65.  "The Pill" doesn't cut off your circulation
66.  You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay
67.  You know at least 20 ways to get kids to clean up without beating them
68.  You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking
69.  You don't have to mow the lawn
70.  You can do a load of laundry without turning underwear pink
71.  You don't have to wear ties.
72.  Who foots the bill for the wedding?  The FATHER of the bride.
73.  You don't have to sometimes stand when using the bathroom
74.  You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices
75.  You don't have to worry about catching any major organs in zippers
76.  You have an 80% greater chance of getting out of traffic tickets
77.  You can read the TV program BEFORE changing channels on the television
78.  Getting really turned on doesn't preclude you from standing up in public
79.  You watch days of our lives because you recognise real life drama.
80.  "Bonding" occurs for you right after the first hello is spoken
81.  You can eat cake at a bay shower
82.  You and your dad get along fine
83.  You don't go red when the checkout calls for a price check on tampons
84.  You have "freshening up" at your disposal if situations gets tense
85.  If it wasn't for you, Telstra would have gone under years ago
86.  You can get into a cat fight and everyone thinks its cool
87.  You can't get someone pregnant
88.  You can ask other girls how your butt looks and no one thinks you're gay
89.  No one worries if you don't call a guy the day after the first date
90.  The Woman's Weekly
91.  You never had to miss a sexual opportunity because you couldn't perform
92.  You can bump into someone at work at not get sued
93.  People don't question your womanhood if you can't get your car to run
94.  Shopping somehow makes your life feel complete
95.  Wholesome relationships are important
96.  Your children will always adore you, no matter what you do
97.  You don't worry about getting punched when you cut someone off in traffic
98.  If want to argue with your husband, there's always "do I look fat?"
99.  You can see a story line in Baywatch
100. You can make jokes about men and no one runs away in tears

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Even the girls wont deny some de je vous in this lot

        100 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy!
        -----------------------------------

1.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3.You know heaps about tanks.
4.A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5.Friday Night Footy.
6.You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7.Your bathroom needs are 95% less.
8.You can open all your own doors and jars.
9.Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10.Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
11.When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop at every
   shot of someone crying.
12.Your body is never a factor in job interviews.
13.You dont give stuff about toilet seat lids!
14.A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15.Your fingernails are fine just the way they are
16.You don't have to lug a bag of "useful" stuff around everywhere you go.
17.You "know" Bill Clinton is guilty and admire him for it!.
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19.Your last name stays put.
20.You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21.You dont give a shit about criticism
22.You can kill your own food.
23.The garage is all yours.
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.You see humor in the movie "Terms of Endearment".
26.Nobody secretly wonders whether you pig out.
27.You never have to clean a toilet.
28.You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31.If someone forgets to invite anywhere, they can still be your friend.
32.Your underwear is $10 for a seven-pack.
33.You can stand up and pee!
34.You don't have to shave below your neck.
35.None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
36.You don't have to oil yourself every night.
37.If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38.You can write your name in the snow.
39.You can happily enter a piddling contest.
40.Everything on your face gets to remain original.
41.Chocolate is just another snack.
42.You can be Prime Minister. (In this lifetime.)
43.You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44.Flowers fix everything.
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46.You can admit to thinking about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47.No one would notice you swimming in a white shirt.
48.Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50.You can say "Boy, I really need a shower!" and not worry what people think.
51.Foreplay is not the best part of sex.
52.Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53.Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. (heh heh!)
55.You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57.Car mechanics are more likely to tell you the truth.
58.You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
59.You can watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He's mad at me".
60.The world is your urinal.
61.You never think innocuous statements mean your lover is about o leave you.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63.Hot wax never comes near your "bikini" area.
64.You have one mood.........all the time
65.You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66.You never have to pass a service station because this one doesn't look nice.
67.you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69.Same work...you get more pay!
70.Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71.You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency clothing adjustment.
72.Wedding dress = $2,000; tuxedo rental = $75.
73.You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74.You make 300 million sperm when having sex and could double the worlds
   population in just 20 sessions.
75.You don't have to eat baby food to achieve results.
76.If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77.The remote control is yours.....and yours alone.
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79.Channel tens "Sport Tonight".
80.You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81.Bachelor parties are more fun than bridal showers.
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83.You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84.You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the toilet.
85.If you don't phone a mate as you promised, he won't say you've changed.
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87.You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Ohhh...stuff it."
88.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
   become lifelong buddies.
89.Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90.Your occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
   mood.
92.You think the idea of drop kicking a Poodle is funny.
93.If something doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it.
94.You dont buy shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95.Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96.You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97.Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98.Your pals can be trusted to say... "So ...notice anything different?"
99.Baywatch gets your critical acclaim for content
100.There's always a game happening somewhere.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Just as the guys will see some truth here.....


         Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
         ---------------------------------

1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
  experienced pain and bought jewellery.
3.If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
  few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of
  my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4.Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
  cancels out the nice of "bald."
5.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
  there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
  watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
  help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our
  living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone
  in case they call him.
7.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during the footy
  semi finals.
8.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
  the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10.All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11.The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
  care about anyone else.
12.Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in
  private; in public they have to know.
13.Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
  instead of a gun.
15.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
  jobs and bathe.
16.Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
  combination address book, telescope and piano.
17.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
  seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
  last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19.Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get
  a bikini wax.
20.All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
  for a list of names.
21.Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
  depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
  in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
  heaters that snore.
24.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
  walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
  here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
  first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he
         a) got older,
         b) got a new job, or
         c) visited a psychiatrist,
   you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
   works on cocoons and butterflies.
28.Only men own football teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
   and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
   he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32.Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
   WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
   creatively fulfilled?" Most men are "outrospective"(!): "Did my team win?
   How's my car?"
35.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
   didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we
   going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37.Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
   of sight of women.
38.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
   out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge.
   If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want
   to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid
   marks.
39.Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
   look great." Mitch: " Thanks." On the other side: " Ruth, you look great."
   Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40.Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41.Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42.Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
   a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43.Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
   their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
   button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we
   also need men to help us get dressed.
44.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes.
   Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45.When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will
   assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet
   that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
   menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
   to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47.Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
   what happened.
49.Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50.All men would still really like to own a train set.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 9 Types of Boyfriends
-------------------------

   Joe Sensitive

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


   Old Man Grumpus

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover,
Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the back




Flinchy

"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle



Bigfoot

"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot,
the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb, Nitwit
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig



Lazybones

"Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge,
Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams



The Sneak

"Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake Eyes, Rat,
Slime, Hey you bloody Mug
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life



Ace of Hearts

"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused



The Dreamer

"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"



Mr. Right

"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make
love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction



The 9 Types of Girlfriends
--------------------------


Ms. Nice Guy

"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday



Ms Old Yeller

"You bloody spineless good-for-nothing dragged up no-talent son of a goddam
  (USA?) bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Pays attention to you!



Ms Sickly

"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Hypo, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious



The Bosser

"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job.
  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
  Yes Mum.....!
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often wrong?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied

"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair
   color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed



Wild Woman out of Control

"I've got an idea. Lez jus get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done
   it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


Huffy

"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition,
  Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will feel sorry for you!


Woman from Mars

"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
  relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


Ms. Dreamgirl

"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a
   boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

________________________________________________________________________
------------------------------------------------------------------------

HER PERFECT DAY:

08.30 wake up in boyfriends arms to hugs + kisses
08.35 Step on scales and realise you've lost 5 pounds
09.00 Light breakfast
10.00 Gym, sauna + facial
12.00 See ex-boyfriends new girl has put ON a few pounds
12.30 Meet up with girls in bistro for light salad+water. Leave most on plate.
1.00 Shop
6.00 Boyfriend surprises you with flowers and meal in romantic restaurant
9.30 Tender and passionate lovemaking
11.30 Drift off to sleep in boyfriends arms


HIS PERFECT DAY:

12.00 Sex
12.02 Wake up
12.05 Huge fry-up (bacon, snags, eggs etc.)
12.20 Sex
12.40 Drive up coast in Ferrari with a girl with big hooters
1.30  Massive lunch
1.45  Footy in park with the boys. Score winning try with 40 yard barging run.
2.30-6.00 Get stoned with boys.
6.00  Meet Claudia Schiffer
6.10  Sex
7.00  Enormous dinner
7.30-9.00   Watch sport on TV with boys . No girls allowed.
9.30  Gigantic supper
10.00 Clubbing with boys, perving on birds that look like schoolgirls
2.00  Mammoth kebab
2.30  Stumble home to find girlfriend waiting up for you in lingerie
2.32  Full on, get down gorilla sex
2.34  Fall asleep

============================================================================

      "Stages Of Life - Women"
       ----------------------
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Stephan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stephan colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Miffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Miffy the Cat
35 Taxidermist husband and Miffy the Cat
48 Children from HIS first marriage and Miffy the Cat
66 Miffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can still chew breakfast

-------------

    "Stages Of Life - Men"
     --------------------
AGE DRINK
17  beer
2o  beer
35  vodka
50  double vodka
60  Bonox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17  My parents are away for the weekend.
20  My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35  My fiancé is away for the weekend.
50  My wife is away for the weekend.
60  Where did they go?

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17  sex
20  sex
35  sex
50  sex
60  napping


AGE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17  "carried her books"
20  "she carried my books"
35  "we had breakfast"
50  "I didn't have to meet her kids."
60  "Got home in one piece"
80  "Am I still alive"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17  getting on
20  a huge Nazi woman warder
35  an Amazon slave girl
50  Getting off
60  taking the company public

AGE HOUSE PET
17  roaches
20  stoned university room mate
35  Irish setter
50  children from his first marriage
60  A rose bush

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17  25
20  30
35  40
50  55
60  17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17  a female
20  2 females
35  a broad minded female
50  a cook
60  a housekeeper
70  a nurse

============================================================================

Men Are From Mars!
-----------------
Let's say a guy named Roger (or Ralph) is attracted to a woman named Elaine
(or Betty).

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going
to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see.... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's
which means . . lemee check the odometer. . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I
don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And
they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600 to fix it.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty.
That's  exactly what they're gunna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries
to come up with a safe response.
Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse!)

At last she speaks.

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul
....and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens
a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in
a re-run of a tennis match between two Czech's he's never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major
was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what......and so he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe even
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with
it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving......frown.......and say:

          "Hey Norm, did you know that Elaine used to own a horse?"
--------------------------------

BBQ   RULES

It is always important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime
outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do,
probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion and this is the routine:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
    necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
    lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her
    and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and
    brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
    her annoyed reaction, concludes there's just no pleasing some women....



--------------------------------
Two Conversations

Here are two versions of the same conversation.

.......................Female version:

Woman-1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman-2: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman-1: Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.

Woman-2: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute
I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid
it would accent my long neck.

Woman-1: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.

Woman-2: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have
your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at
my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could
get clothes to fit me so much easier.


................................Male version:

Man-1:	Haircut?
Man-2:	Yeah.
----------------------------

-----------------------------------------------
Are Women Smarter Than Men?

What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman?
Intelligence
Well, I have recently realized that we men are deluded. Forget Mars. Forget
Venus. We are from high school and women are from grad school. Why do I say
this? Is it something having to do with perceived differences in maturity
levels? Not in the slightest. It all has to do with the simple fact that
women are smarter than men.
Think about it. How do you make your muscles stronger?       Exercise them!
Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things in life,
men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are getting a full
cardiovascular workout.
Men have ONE shoe size to remember. I'm a size 8. Simple.     Women... well it
depends.   They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where was
it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring?    What was the
geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a happy or a
sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its 4th house and the
shoe-shopping mission has been completed.
Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32:30 or 34:32 or something simple,
basically the waist and inside leg.   But ask a woman... "I'm a size 5 on the
eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the tarot cards
advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."
And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the fact
that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different ones in
each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons. They carry
portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a variation of one
hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the difference between eggshell
white, bone white, and Mabo white?    Darned if I know, but a woman does.
Men just aren't good with colors.
Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women. Ecru,
taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male vocabulary.
They are inserted there after associating with women, sort of like the medical
terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say them and sound cool, but
you don't know what they actually mean. Take the tibia for example. I think
it's in the leg... and I would assume it's bone white.
And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men don't
carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse? You want
a purse?
You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's right. We can barely
handle briefcases.  That's why every article of our clothing has a pocket.
But still, even with just a couple of pockets, like if you're wearing jeans
and a t-shirt, you will at some time or another become an amateur cop.
Just observe yourself the next time you can't find your keys. As you start
looking around the room, you'll do a pat-down search. Essentially, you're
frisking yourself.
But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into her
purse. My mum used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared into
that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted geranium,
a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case the dryer ran
out?)... I just figured that Mum was God in training.   She was collecting
matter until she had enough for another big bang and then she was going to
start her own universe.
In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most women
don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married, because they
don't want to scare off  men until they've got us.   That's why single women
started wearing those little backpacks.   They took all those big purses and
turned them into little backpacks. Very clever.
So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an important
quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can dress herself
with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she carries a purse (or
she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent, she's smarter than you.
And if you should somehow end up getting the impression she's not intelligent
enough ... that just means she doesn't like you and you have reacted in
typically male fashion!
-------------------------------

        These are the real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

   FIRST THE WOMEN
        40-ish.................. 48
        Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
        Athletic................ Flat-chested
        Average looking......... Ugly
        Beautiful............... Pathological liar
        Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
        Educated................ College dropout
        Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
        Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
        Free spirit............. Substance user
        Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
        Fun..................... Annoying
        Gentle.................. Comatose
        Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
        New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
        Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
        Open-minded............. Desperate
        Outgoing................ Loud
        Passionate.............. Loud
        Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
        Professional............ Real Witch
        Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
        Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
        Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
        Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
        Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
        Wants Soul mate......... One step away from stalking
        Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
        Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

   THE MALE SIDE
        40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
        Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
        Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
        Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
        Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
        Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
        Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
        Good looking............ Arrogant
        Honest.................. Pathological Liar
        Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
        Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
        Mature.................. Until you get to know him
        Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
        interested
        Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
        admiring myself
        Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
        Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on
        Easter Sunday
        Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
        Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

----------------------------------

This has been circulating over the Net and I consider it ideal material
for inclusion on this page.......

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
 a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
 understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die!

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals!


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND
TO THE SMART BLOKES YOU KNOW WHO CAN HANDLE IT.


=============================================================================
©Ted Middleton 2007.

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