Lists #4
        If you have progressed this far into my "Lists" pages, allow me a "rush"
        of "seriousness" for one minute.  This is a circulated letter I found on
        the web and edited. Amongst the memories of my youth .....when I really
        DIDN'T understand the sacrifices parents made, or their importance to me
        ...and all my selfish, hormone pumping, naive little friends.
        We can't be comforted by the fact that this realisation escapes some people
        throughout their entire lives and they would never give it a second thought
        even if it was pointed out to them.

        Subtle as it is, this should grab those with a smidgen of guilt or grateful
        feelings within their soul.     (Crikey - I'm serious alright!)

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have a 
red crayon when all that was available to you was an ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who held your hand 
the first day you went to school.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped  you 
stand up to the playground bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their 
lunch with  you.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing 
to make excuses so you wouldn't have to talk to "Ugly Barry" or "Nasty Graham".
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who made sure you had 
a bus ride home from school.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to your new 
crush, and asked them would they like to come to your birthday party, so you 
wouldn't  be embarrassed if they said no.
8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who helped you with 
your homework because you couldn't grasp the questions.
9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you 
pack up your stuffed animals and clean your room so you could meet a deadline 
and not be grounded for being untidy.
10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you 
to a "cool" party thrown by a  "heart throb",  so you couldn't be mistaken as 
"accompanied by someone else".
11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their 
schedule so you could keep up with yours.
12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you a 
lift in their car and consoled you when you broke up with a "heart throb".
13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you 
pick out a career, assured you that you were smart enough to do it and was 
always there to help in any way.....
14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was really 
excited that you'd achieved a good pass.
15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person 
who helped you clean up after wild that party, helped you when you just couldn't 
deal with life's pressures, assured you that now that you and "Barry" or you and 
"Graham" were back together you could make it through anything and just silently 
hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were 
reluctant to leave behind.  And finally on those last days of childhood, they 
went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in life as
well as you had for the past 18 years and most importantly, let you know you 
were loved.
16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you choices, 
will hold your hand when you're scared,  backs you to the hilt in your fight 
with those who try to take advantage of you,  thinks of you at all times when 
you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the 
past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer,
encourages you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time 
for you, offers to help you clear up any mistakes and deal with pressure, smiles 
for you when you are sad, will not leave your side when you need help, wants 
unconditionally what is best for you and helps you become a better person ....
despite your claims that you are perfect..... and most importantly, loves you 
regardless of your shortcomings!


 There are few aspects of life that we can truly control, and it's
useful to know just what they are. If you don't know, you'll spend
a lot of time wondering who's to blame. Howe3ver, Try and exert too
much control in areas you shouldn't and the universe will create
some interesting ways to remind of your place.

     These are the 10 things in life that you DO control:

1. What you do.
Your actions are yours alone. You choose to make them or not make them and
you are responsible for the effects of those actions.

2. What you say.
Likewise, the words you speak (or write) are also consciously chosen. Like
actions, they have an impact on your life and the lives of those you

3. What you think.
Yes, there are some subconscious thoughts that you can't control. But the
things that you really think about, your beliefs, your ideals, etc. are
concepts you have chosen to accept and believe in.

4. Your work.
Many people like to overlook this one, it being much easier to say "Oh,
I'm trapped in my job because I don't have a degree, experience, etc."
Hogwash! That's simple a way of denying one's responsibility in having
chosen the job in the first place. It's your job and you chose it.
  If you stay (or go), that's your choice as well.

5. The people you associate with.
There's a famous t-shirt that states: "It's hard to soar like an eagle
when you're surrounded by turkeys." Colloquial is very often correct! Your
friends can either lift you up or bring you down. You make the decision
which type of friends you wish to have.

6. Your basic physical health.
Much about our health is a factor of genetics, environment, and exposure.
Much more of our health is simply a matter of the things we choose: diet,
exercise, drugs, sleep, routine physicals, check-ups, etc.

7. The environment you live in.
Your house, the condition of your home, the town you live in, the
amenities available to you are all things you can control, although some
to a lesser degree (i.e., you decide to tolerate them or move someplace

8. Your fiscal situation.
Having or not having enough money is a factor of what you make versus what
you spend.

9. Your time.
You choose how to "spend" your time and how much of your time to give to
various activities. You'll never get more time than the 24 hours you're
given each day.

10. Your legacy.
All your actions, words, and knowledge that you share while you are living
become the gift that you leave when you are gone.

  (Jim M. Allen)


The 20 Greatest Historical Myths List

It is said that those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it - and
as any history buff can tell you, much of history is something you would NOT
want to repeat. However, many well-known historical "facts" are myths, with no
basis in fact. Here (and in the next few segments) are 20 of the most common,
which have misled and misinformed people for years, decades, or centuries.

If more people knew the facts, a few of the great history-makers would be
recognised (anyone heard of Ub Iwerks?), some famous people would stop taking
so much credit, and we would stop blaming apples for everything! Let's start
with the following misconceptions...

20. Eve ate a bad apple

An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but they have still had bad publicity
as the "forbidden fruit" that Eve tasted in the Garden of Eden, thereby making
life difficult for all of us. Yet nowhere in the biblical story of Adam and Eve
is an apple mentioned. It is simply called "the fruit of the tree that is in
the middle of the garden" (Genesis 3:3). OK, it COULD have been an apple, but it
might just as well have been an apricot, a mango, or any other sort of fruit.

19. Newton was hit by an apple

Apples continued to get bad press with the famous story that scientist Sir Isaac
Newton was under a tree, minding his own business, when an apple fell on his head.
Just as well it provided him the inspiration for the laws of gravity, or the poor
apple would never be forgiven! But while the falling apple is a good story, it
probably never happened. The story was first published in an essay by Voltaire,
long after Newton's death. Before that, Newton's niece, Catherine Conduitt, was
the only person who ever told the story. It was almost certainly an invention.

18. Walt Disney drew Mickey Mouse

One of the world's most famous fictitious characters, Mickey Mouse, is credited
to Walt Disney. However, Mickey was the vision of Disney's number one animator,
Ub Iwerks. Disney, never a great artist, would always have trouble drawing the
character who made him famous. Fortunately for him, Iwerks was known as the
fastest animator in the business. He single-handedly animated Mickey's first
short film, Plane Crazy (1928), in only two weeks. (That's 700 drawings a day.)
But give some credit to Disney - when sound films began later that year, he
played Mickey's voice.

17. Marie Antoinette said "Let them each cake"

In 1766, Jean Jacques Rousseau wrote of an incident he recalled from some 25yrs
earlier, in which "a great princess" (name unknown) was told that the country
people had no bread. "Then let them eat cake," she replied. When Rousseau wrote
of this, Marie Antoinette was an 11-year-old child in Austria. The French
Revolution would not begin for another 23 years. The myth that she spoke these
infamous words was probably spread by revolutionary propagandists, to illustrate
her cold indifference to the plight of the French people.

16. The Great Train Robbery was the first feature film

When it was released in 1903, "The Great Train Robbery" pioneered several
techniques, includes jump cuts, medium close-ups and a complex storyline.
But the first feature film? It was only ten minutes long! Even most short
films are longer than that. The first feature-length film was a 100-minute
Australian film, "The Story of the Kelly Gang", released three years later.
Even if you think of a feature film as the "feature" of a cinema program,
the title would go to one of a number of French films made during the 1890s
(but I won't name one, as that could cause any number of arguments).

15. Van Gogh sliced off his ear

Van Gogh is known as the archetypal starving artist, only selling one painting
in his lifetime, and - in a quarrel with Gauguin - slicing off his ear, not
long before committing suicide. Though he did face a tragic end, and his own
paintings sold poorly, it is worth noting that he spent most of his life
teaching and dealing art. He only spent eight years of his life painting, which
helps to explain why he didn't starve to death. Also, he didn't slice off his
entire ear, just a portion of his left lobe. Painful, but not nearly as bad as
you might have thought.

14. Witches were burned at stake in Salem

The Salem (Massachusetts) witch trials of 1692 led to the arrests of 150 people,
of whom 31 were tried and 20 were executed. But just as these trials were based
on ignorance, there are many misconceptions about them. For starters, the 31
condemned "witches" were not all women. Six of them were men. Also, they were
not burned at stake. As any witch-hunter would know, a true witch could never
be killed by this method. Hanging was the usual method - though one was crushed
to death under heavy stones.

13. Napoleon was a little corporal

Some people believe that Napoleon's domineering ambitions were to compensate
for being so physically small. Not so. True, Napoleon was called Le Petit
Corporal ("The Little Corporal"), but he was 5 feet, 7 inches tall - taller
than the average eighteenth-century Frenchman. So why the nickname? Early in
his military career, soldiers used it to mock his relatively low rank.
The name stuck, even as he became ruler of France.

12. King John signed the Magna Carta

The Magna Carta (Great Charter) is known as a landmark in history, limiting the
power of the King of England and sowing the seeds of democracy. Paintings show
King John reluctantly signing the Magna Carta in a meadow at Runnymede in 1215.
Fair enough, except for one thing. As well as being a rogue, John was probably
illiterate. As anyone could see from looking at one of the four original Magna
Cartas in existence, he simply provided the royal seal. No signature required.

11. Walter Raleigh introduced potatoes and tobacco to England

Sir Walter Raleigh - explorer, courtier, privateer - Is one of greatest myth
figures ever to come from England. Virtually every reason for his fame is untrue.
Was he handsome? According to written accounts, he was no oil painting - though
somehow he charmed Queen Elizabeth I, and had a reputation as a ladies' man. Did
he lay his cloak across a puddle so that the Queen could step on it? No, that
was pure fiction. Most importantly, he didn't return from his visit to the New
World (America) with England's first potatoes and tobacco. Though Raleigh is
said to have introduced potatoes in 1586, they were first grown in Italy in 1585,
and quickly spread throughout Europe (even across the English Channel). Also,
though people all over Europe blame Sir Walter for their cigarette addictions,
Jean Nicot (for whom nicotine is named) introduced tobacco to France in 1560.
Tobacco spread to England from France, not the New World.

10. Magellan circumnavigated the world

Everyone knows two things about Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan. One,
he was the first man to circumnavigate the world; and two, during this historic
trip, he was killed by natives in the Philippines. Of course, those two things
tend to contradict each other. Magellan only made it half-way around the world,
leaving it to his second-in-command, Juan Sebastian Elcano, to complete the

9. Nero fiddled while Rome burned

We all know the story of mad Emperor Nero starting the Great Fire of Rome in
64 AD, then fiddling while the city burned. However, this would have been
impossible. For one thing, the violin wouldn't be invented for another 1,600
years. OK, some versions of the story suggest that he played a lute or a lyre -
but then, scholars place the emperor in his villa at Antium, 30 miles away,
when the fire began. Though he was innocent of this disaster, however, there
is much evidence to show that he was ruthless and depraved.

8. Captain Cook discovered Australia

Many Australians will agree that this isn't so - but for the wrong reasons.
They will point out that, many years before Cook arrived in Sydney in 1770,
Australia had already been visited by Dutchmen Abel Tasman and Dirk Hartog,
and an English buccaneer, William Dampier. Of course, it had been previously
been discovered some 50,000 years earlier by the indigenous Australians.

But in fairness to Cook, he did discover a new part of the country - and more
importantly, this led to the first white settlers (an opportunity that Tasman,
Hartog and Dampier didn't take). So let's say that Cook DID discover Australia!
Fine, but Cook was actually a Lieutenant when he sailed to the Great South Land.
The "captain" rank might be a minor point, but it's certainly inaccurate - and
as he is called "Captain Cook" so often that it might as well be his name, it's
one worth correcting.

7. Shakespeare wrote the story of Hamlet

William Shakespeare is generally known as the greatest playwright who ever
lived, even though most of his plays were not original, but adaptations of
earlier stories. "The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark" (1603), probably
his most famous play, was based on an ancient Scandinavian story. But while
it might not have been the original version of the story, we can safely assume
it was the best.

6. America became independent on July 4, 1776

Hold the fireworks! As most American school children (and many non-American
ones) are aware, America's founding fathers signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4, 1776. However, the war raged for another seven years
before independence from England was finally granted on September 3, 1783.
On that day, Britain's George III and US leaders signed the Definitive Treaty
of Peace.

5. Edison invented the electric light

Thomas Edison is known as the world's greatest inventor. His record output -
1,093 patents - still amazes us, over a century later. Astonishing, except for
one thing: he didn't invent most of them. Most Edison inventions were the work
of his unsung technicians - and his most famous invention, the electric light,
didn't even belong to his laboratory. Four decades before Edison was born,
English scientist Sir Humphrey Davy invented arc lighting (using a carbon
filament). For many years, numerous innovators would improve on Davy's model.
The only problem: none could glow for more than twelve hours before the filament
broke. The achievement of Edison's lab was to find the right filament that would
burn for days on end. A major achievement, but not the first.

4. Columbus proved that the Earth was round

It was American author Washington Irving, some 500 years after Columbus sailed
to America, who first portrayed the Italian explorer as launching on his voyage
to prove that the Earth was round, defying the common, flat-earther belief of
the time. In fact, most educated Europeans in Columbus's day knew that the world
was round. Since the fourth century BC, almost nobody has believed that the Earth
is flat. Even if that wasn't the case, Columbus would never have set out to prove
that the Earth was round... simply because he didn't believe it himself! Columbus
thought that the Earth was pear-shaped. He set sail to prove something else: that
Asia was much closer than anyone thought. Even in this, he was wrong.
To further besmirch his memory, it should also be noted that he never set foot on
mainland America. The closest he came was the Bahamas.       Pear-shaped, indeed!

3. Gandhi liberated India

To westerners, Mahatma Gandhi is easily the most famous leader of India's
independence movement. He deserves credit for promoting the ancient ideals
of ahimsa (non-violence). However, most historians agree that Indian
independence was inevitable. Gandhi was just one of several independence
leaders. The Indian National Congress was founded as early as 1885, when he
was only 16. Gandhi's much-publicised civil disobedience was only a small
part in the movement, and some historians even suggest that India would have
achieved independence sooner if they had focused on the more forceful methods
that they had used 50 years earlier, and which were still advocated by other
independence leaders, such as Gandhi's rival Netaji Chandra Bose (who is also
revered in India).

2. Jesus was born on December 25

Christmas is meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but there is no evidence
whatsoever, biblical or otherwise, that He was actually born on that day. Nor
is there anything to suggest that He was born in a manger, or that there were
three wise men (although, as any nativity play will remind you, three gifts
were mentioned). There are differing views as to why December 25 was chosen
as Christmas day, but one of the most interesting is that the day was already
celebrated by followers of Mithras, the central god of a Hellenistic cult that
developed in the Eastern Mediterranean around 100 BC. The followers of this
faith believed that Mithras was born of a virgin on 25 December, and that his
birth was attended by shepherds...

Which brings us to the number one historical myth - something that is drilled
into the heads of nearly all Western schoolchildren...

1. George Washington was America's first President!

Everyone "knows" that Washington was the first of the (so far) 43 Presidents
of the US. However, this isn't strictly the case. During the American Revolution,
the Continental Congress (or the 'United States in Congress Assembled') chose
Peyton Randolph as the first President. Under Randolph, one of their first moves
was to create the Continental Army (in defence against Britain), appointing
General Washington as its commander. Randolph was succeeded in 1781 by John
Hancock, who presided over independence from Great Britain (see myth #6).
After Washington defeated the British at the Battle of Yorktown, Hancock sent
him a note of congratulations. Washington's reply was addressed to "The President
of the United States". Eight years later, as a revered war hero, Washington
himself became America's first popularly elected President - but strictly
speaking, the FIFTEENTH President!

              (from Carmel Cairncross)


                              Mis - Translated Ads List
        Coors (Ltd) put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish,
            where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
        Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
            in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
        Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into
            German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
            Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
        When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
            the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful
            Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in
            Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
            what's inside, since most people can't read.
        Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
            name of a notorious porno magazine.
        An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
            Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead
            of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the
            potato" (la papa).
        Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated
            into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave",
            in Chinese.
        Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make
            a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes
            an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
        The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",
            meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed
            with wax", depending on the dialect.   Coke then researched
            over 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent and
            "ko-kou-ko-le", translated into "happiness in the mouth".
        When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
            were supposed to have read,  "it won't leak in your pocket
            and embarrass you".     Instead, the company thought that
            the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass,
            so the ad read:
            "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".


   Accidental Accident Reports - What a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do.....
        Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
            I  don't have.
        The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
        I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
        In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
        I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
           reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision
           and I did not see the other car.
        I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel
           and had an accident.
        I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
           universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
        My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
        As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a
           place  where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable
           to avoid  the accident.
        I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I
           found that I had a fractured skull.
        I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
           the road when I struck him.
        I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
           bonnet of my car.
        The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
           with a big mouth.
        I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in
           a ditch by some stray cows.
        A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
        I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
           head through it.
        To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
        The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
           before I hit him.
        The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
        An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
        A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
        I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
           and headed over the embankment.


          Iraqi TV Guide
        8:00 Husseinfeld
        8:30 Mad About Everything
        9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
        9:30 Allah McBeal
        10:00 Like Sands Through the Hourglass..........
        8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
        8:30 Saddam Says
        9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
        9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
        10:00 Neighbors (with Ima Saudi)
        8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
        8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
        9:00 Just Shoot Me
        9:30 Veilwatch
        10:00 Just Kuwait
        8:00 Everybody Loves Achmed
        8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
        9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
        9:30 My Two Baghdads
        10:00 Saddan Knows Best
        8:00 Judge Saddam
        8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
        9:00 Achmed's Creek
        10:00 Movie of the week: The Last Iraqi Martyr


                 Military Performance Evaluations
        The British Military requires annual officer performance reviews
        and these  are actual excerpts taken from people's reviews.....

1. "Since my last report, this officer has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this officer to breed."

3. "This officer is really not much of a has-been, but more of a
    definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and if cornered like
    a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them."

9. "This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
     other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. It's hard to believe he beat a million other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

33. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of  curiosity."

34. "Wouldn't recognize action if he saw it"

35. "Technically sound, but socially impossible."

36. "This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
     around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere."

37. "When she joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
     since then she has aged considerably."

38. "This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
     port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar."

39. "He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age."

40. "In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly  below 250


           Musical Definitions
        A Flat - A cheap residence
        A Minor - Someone who digs coal
        Alto - A person afraid of heights
        Arrangement - An agreement
        Bach - The sound a dog makes
        Bar - Place to buy a drink
        Baroque - Penniless
        Base - Below average
        Blue Note - $10 bill
        Brass - money
        Chopin - What you have to do with firewood
        Chorale - Place where horses hang out
        Chords - Little bits of string or rope
        Clarinet - Mr Net's son Clari
        Crotchet - A type of needlework
        Cymbals - Little pictures that mean things
        Da Capo - A type of coffee
        Diatonic - A low fat drink
        Duo - Batman and Robin
        Fret - To get upset
        Full Score - Ten out of ten
        High Note - Anything over ten dollars
        Horn - A cars warning sound
        Lute - Lots of money
        Lyre - Telling 'Porky Pies'
        Major Key - A general in the Korean army
        Measure - Amount of alcohol
        Midi - A small glass of beer
        Mozart - Mosquito's paintings
        Opera - An American Talk Show Host
        Pitch - The black stuff they put on roads
        Quaver - A shiver
        Sharp - Pointy
        Sonata - Frank. . .'Ole Blue Eyes'
        Staff - A big stick
        String - Smaller than rope
        Symphony - To feel sad for someone
        Treble - Three times
        Trio - Irish for "tree"
        Trombone - Attached to the thigh bone
        Wind - Stronger than a breeze




          Work Jargon
        COMPETITIVE SALARY:  We remain competitive by paying less than our
        SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:  Some time each night and some time each
            supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30
            days for your first commission check.
        SELF-MOTIVATED:  Management won't answer questions
        CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
            dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
        COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:  We have a lot of turnover.
        SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:  If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV
            and get us out of it..
        DUTIES WILL VARY:  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
        CAREER-MINDED:  We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until
            you are 70.
            to replace three people who just left.
        PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:  You're walking into a company in
            perpetual  chaos.
        GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:  Management communicates, you listen,
            figure out what they want you to do.
        ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:  You whine, you're fired.
        FLEXIBLE HOURS:  Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.


               Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies

(in English)

      We're still in the dark on this
      We just hired three kids straight from College.
      We know who to blame.
      It doesn't work but it looks hi-tech.
      We turned it on and the darn thing blew up.
      We are so surprised that it works.
      The only person who understood the thing just quit
      It is wrapped up in red tape and the situation is about hopeless
      Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
      Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
      We'll listen to what you have to say but cant promise to listen
      I can't wait to hear this bull.
      Parts not interchangeable with the previous design
      It's too heavy to lift
      Lighter than rugged.
      One FINALLY worked ! ! !
      Achieved when the power switch is off.
      They dont last very long.


         The Laws of Work
          If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours...... work
          A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
          Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
          It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
              you've done and what you're going to do.
          After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
              the month than you did before.
          The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going
              to get.
          You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
          When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
              talking about themselves.
          If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
              a damn fool about it.
          Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
          Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
          Never delay the ending of a meeting...... or the beginning of a
              cocktail hour.
          To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
          Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
             is supposed to be doing.
          Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
             the mail.
          If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
             really good, you will get out of it.
          You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
             your desk.
          People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
          If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
          At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
             the number of pens that person is carrying.
          When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
          Following the rules will not get the job done.
          Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
          No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
          The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
             for everything that goes wrong.
          "An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys.
            All on different limbs, at different levels.
            Some climbing up, and some coming down.
            The monkeys on top look down and see nothing but smiling faces.
            The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes."

I've put in some humorous forms before - and even though this one is
not so great - some may get a laugh out of it.

To Be Completed By All In The Workplace

NAME ___________________________   SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER_________
ADDRESS ________________________   HOME PHONE ____________________
        ________________________   WORK PHONE ____________________
MALE _________  FEMALE _________   OTHER _________________________
     MALE-FEMALE _______________   FEMALE-FEMALE _________________
     MALE-MALE _________________   HUMAN-ANIMAL __________________
     ALL OF THE ABOVE __________   NONE OF THE ABOVE _____________
     OTHER (SPECIFY) _____________________________________________
OCCASIONAL COMPLIMENTS _________                NECK _____________
EYE-TO-EYE CONTACT _____________                 EAR _____________
EYE-TO-BUST CONTACT ____________               OTHER _____________

PINCHING/RUBBING _______________     GROPING _____________________
HEAVY GROPING __________________              SHOULDER ___________
WAIST _______________
ARMS ________________
BUNS ________________
BOOBS _______________
OTHER (SPECIFY) ________________            OTHER (SPECIFY BELOW)
ALL OF THE ABOVE _______________            _____________________
I WILL _______ WILL NOT ________
SIGNATURE: ______________________________    DATE: _______________


University Entrance Exam ....... Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
   reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-
   give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) ***WRITE A PLAY***

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
   on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
___ (d) Canadians
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
    George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
    -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced maths. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approx.)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.


Questions for Moron Status.

Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your
 answers. One point for correct and ten points for wrong.

DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done, count the number correct and see
 how you compare to others.

OK, here we go......

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many times can you be out in an innings?
5. Is it legal for a man in South Australia to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples do you
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
   an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was George W Bush named before he was president?

**The answers below are for the use of the supervisor only. NO PEEKING!

1. Yes. Every country has a 4th of July, it comes after the 3rd.
2. One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. Once. Don't forget you all get one turn each.
5. No. He must be dead if it is his widows sister!
6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30,
   and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has
9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. None. Moses didn't have an ark.
11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen?'s a dozen!
13. He's been George W. Bush since he was born.

So, how did they do?

13 are good!
10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head
7-9 correct.....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average?
4-6 attention to the question 1-3 correct = IDIOT
0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!!


    Perhaps this is more "Humour" than a "List", so I justify it
    being here because its a "Humorous List of Quotes".
        And here they are......

        Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
        A: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
            because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
            live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
            not live forever.
            -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

        Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
          same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
          discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
          what they are.
          - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

        I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
          the law.
          - David Dinkins, NY City mayor, answering accusations that he
          failed to pay his taxes

        Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very important
          part of your life.
          - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
            federal anti - smoking campaign

        I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
          - Winston Bennett, Univ. of Kentucky basketball

        Outside of killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
          the country.
          - Marion Barry, mayor Washington DC
        The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
          them unsafe.
          - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

        After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
          the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment
          of David Steele to the post.
          - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools

        Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
          world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
          that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
          - Mariah Carey

        I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
          "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should
          hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
          - Larry Miller

        What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
        - Marilyn Pittman

        When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
          Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
          - Robin Williams

        A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
          boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
          - Christopher Case

        Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
          treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
          you, they should give you two weeks' notice.    There should be
          severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
          you a temp."
          - Bob Ettinger

        My mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
          lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mum, they weren't trying
          to teach you how to swim.'
          - Paula Poundstone

        Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
          that's how dogs spend their lives."
          - Sue Murphy

        The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
          suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
          best  friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
          - Rita Mae Brown

        Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
          violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
          bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
          Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
          - Jerry Seinfeld

        The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
          Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
          Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
          there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You
          get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off....
          I've got the toe clippers right here.'
          - Jerry Seinfeld

        Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
          fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
          - Lynda Montgomery

        "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
          York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
          just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
          - Richard Jeni

        If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
          would be dead.
          - Johnny Carson

        Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
          - Paul Rodriguez

        Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
          accept God's final word on where your lips end.
          - Jerry Seinfeld

        Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
          That's why you should never date a baseball player.
          - Marsha Warfield

        I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
          language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
          be......but I think there's one other thing that separates us from
          animals.      We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
          - Jeff Stilson

        "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
          same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
          - Marsha Warfield

        Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
          and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
          - George Carlin

        You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
          miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
          the hell she is. .
          - Ellen DeGeneres

        I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
          under my arms instead.
          - Sue Kolinsky

        I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
          - Carol Leifer

        I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
          must eat it with naked fat people.
          - Ed Bluestone

        The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.   By the
          second day you're off it.
          - Jackie Gleason

        I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries.
          " The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with
          - Jay Leno

        The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
          caught dead in otherwise.
          - Roger Simon

        I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
        - Dave Edison

        Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
          Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
          Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
         - William Coronel

        Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
          - Oscar Wilde

        Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress
          ... But I repeat myself.
          - Mark Twain

        Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
          they can find Kuwait.
          - A. Whitney Brown

Some old standards ............

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." -Moses Hadas

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard
Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack
E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." -Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" -Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


This is the changing face of mathematics as influenced by
  the times it passes on through.

School curriculum
Subject "Maths"
Question "Logger 4.5"
Amendments made 1950 - 1999

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
      is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
      is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
    A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
      cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
      Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C",
      the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
      Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
      following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production
      is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
    By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do
      you think of this way of making a living?
      Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
      the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
      trees?      There are no wrong answers.
      By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price
      from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make
      by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no
      longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
      A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits,
      and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can
      easily be cut back.
      The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three
      weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.
      The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.
      Was outsourcing a good move?
      A laid-off logger, with four kids at home and a ridiculously high
      Mortgage, comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes
      "mental", shooting down 16 Executives and a couple of secretaries,
      and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting
      his kickback.
      Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
      A laid-off logger serving time in "Long Bay" for blowing away
      several people is being trained as a computer programmer in order
      to work on "Year 2000" bug projects.
      What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on
      their own as of 00:01am, 01/01/2000?


    This is the Mental Health Institute answering machine robot menu.....

    "Welcome the mental helpline ............
       If you are obsessive or compulsive one repeatedly
       If you are co-dependant....ask someone to press 2 for you
       If you have multiple 3, 4, 5 and 6
       If you are paranoid......dont press any button - we know who you are!
       If you are delusional 7 and we will beam you up
       If you are schitzo.....listen carefully for a small voice
       If you are manic one will answer any button press
       If you are dyslexic 9696969696969696
       If you have a nervous disorder.....fiddle the hash key
       If you have 8 and tell us what you cant remember
       If you have a post traumatic stress 000
       If you have a bi-polar disorder.....leave a beep after the message
       If you have short term memory 9
       If you have short term memory 9
       If you have short term memory 9
       If you have short term memory 9
       If you have short term memory 9
       If you have low self esteem.....we are too busy to talk to you

       If you would like this menu repeated......hang up and call us back"

    This seems very close to the mark/a load of rubbish
depending on you point of view (or gender?)

                  HOW GUYS SCORE POINTS

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them)
from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score"
from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with
some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score
of zero:

Simple Duties:
        You go out to buy her spring-fresh
         xtra-light panty liners with wings: +5
                               But return with beer: -15
          You check out a suspicious noise at night:  0
  You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing:  0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
                      You pummel it with a six iron: +10
                                    It's her father: -10

Social Engagements:
              You stay by her side the entire party:  0
   You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
                 chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
                                      Named Tiffany: -4
                              Tiffany is a stripper: -6
                        Tiffany has breast implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons:
                                      You visit her parents: +1
       You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
                                  And the television is off: -10

Sunday Afternoon
                   You spend the afternoon with her :  0
  You spend the afternoon with her watching football: -6
                                    And its a replay: -10
                       And it's not really your team: -15

Her Birthday:
                                 You take her out to dinner:  0
       You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
                Okay.................... it is a sports bar: -2
                             And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
     It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
      your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
                         And its an all-you-can-drink night: -15
                                       You give her a gift :  0
            You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
       You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
                You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
   You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
                                       With her credit card: -30
               And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

        You tell her you will pick her up from the bus stop:  0
                  You forget to pick her up at the bus stop: -25
                                       Which is 10 K's away: -35
                And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals:
                                   You have a few beers: -9
                             For every beer after three: -2 again
                        And miss your curfew by an hour: -12
                                 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
         You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of stale booze: -30
            You get home at 3 a.m. not wearing any socks: -40
                                      Is that a tattoo?: -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You:
                           You go see a comedy show: +2
                              He's crude and sexist:-2
                                          You laugh:-5
                                    You laugh a lot:-10
                   You seem to be enjoying yourself:-15
                                 She's not laughing:-20

                  You lose the directions on a trip:-4
    You lose the directions and end up getting lost:-10
      You end up getting lost in a bad part of town:-15
                 The locals get up close & personal:-25
   She finds out you lied about having a black belt:-60

      When she wants to talk about a problem,
                   you listen without looking too bored: 0
             You listen to her talk for over 30 minutes:+5
 You listen to her talk for over 30 minutes, without
            looking at the TV or picking up a newspaper:+10
                  Then she notices you've fallen asleep:-10

 (oh how the memories flood back ...............just joking!)


"This list is for the "young at heart aged" to laugh
 at the irony of, because we have come to realise
 and appreciate our collective selves better than
 we ever did in our more singular younger life".

   Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
    But everything else starts to wear out,
    fall out, or spread out.

    There are three signs of old age:
          The first is your loss of memory
          The other two I forget!

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man.  Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start
confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun
to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and
you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.



* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out (stand closer and see!).
* A snail can sleep for three years (I know several!).
* All polar bears are left handed (Ask one for his autograph!)
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously (hot news).
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
   one olive from each salad served in first-class (Popeye was jealous).
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day (no -not each) .
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain (I've had mates like that).
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
   the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age (when they become more kneedy?).
* Butterflies taste with their feet and wade through their meals).
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10(So?).
* Cats urine glows under a black light buy a black light and try it).
* China has more English speakers than the USA (where they speak American).
* Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
   wear pants (what do they do there with Yogi Bear then?).
* Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
   registered blood donors (or are willing to be).
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have
   a full moon (was it a teetotaler?) .
* "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. (So?.) 
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
   She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck
   twice the length of a  normal human's neck (so what's the catch?) .
* Elephants are the only animals who can't jump who can carrying a trunk?) .
* If the population of China walked past you in single
   file, the line would never end because of the rate of
   reproduction (someone is not walking?).
* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced
  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee thank God for the "jug").
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
   including their eyebrows and eyelashes (so that's where it all started?).
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated (Man was!).
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors (and the tailors cheered).
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes (strange - I've got ten!).
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
   factory workers in Malaysia combined and works shorter hours too).
* No word in the English language rhymes with month (unleth you lithp) .
* On average, people fear spiders more than they do death amen).
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
   growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers - they saw it
   as competition (to tobacco probably!).
* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
   left-handed people do (there's a reward for being right then).
* Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump' and  bump-off).
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day (whets so odd about that?).
* Starfish haven't got brains (I call my wife "my little starfish").
* Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the typists left
  hand I type it with one finger...... either hand).
* The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated  (me too!).
* The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night (yuk).
* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds (you count 'em).
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States (gasp).
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist (yes - my dentist!}.
* The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
   body to squirt blood 30 feet (We'd all make excellent water pistols).
* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
   to its body.   The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
   off (now that gives "losing your head to love" a whole new meaning!).
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed  (yes, but easy to remember).
* The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they
   start with (so does the power plant of all fuelled cars)
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for
   each gallon of diesel that it burns (but doesn't it run on water?).
* The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
   necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia
   still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for
   blacks and whites (computers and rationalization - eat your heart out!).
* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue (male or female's ?).
* The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left
   to right or right to left (and they're both slower in reverse too).
* Our eyes are the same size from birth, but our ears and nose never stop
   growing. (What a bunch of eavesdropping "Pinocchio's" we end up being!).
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
   only on one row of the keyboard (typewritery is not a word!).
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men (and men fall for it every time!).
* You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
   poisonous spider (come on.....champagne corks dont bite!).
* You can't kill yourself by holding your breath (as you pull the trigger?).
* The name Wendy was made up for a character in the  book 'Peter Pan'
   (Wendy book was being writ!).

And more .........

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
  away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles that result from
  the flush.  (No gargling either!)

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
  blood plasma. (Well then, bloody coconuts eh!)

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (Drat!)

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
  (Donkeys fly?)

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
  (Must be effeminate)

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
  (And has 2 hands plus a secondhand hand at hand)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
   morning. (Core!)

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
   (So are the ugly daughters of ugly women)

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
   (How about haunted houses?)

The first owner of the "Marlboro Cigarette Company" died of
  lung cancer. (And is no lunger with us!)

Pearls melt in vinegar.  (And hearts melt in Love!)

The three most valuable brand names on earth:  Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
   and  Budweiser, in that order. (And its your turn to order!)

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
   (So, you cant stare down a cow?)

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
   (The mind boggles)

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
   (Politicians talk through theirs!)

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
   (I didnt get the point?)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
   (You try it with a trunk in your mouth!)

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
   (Arrange a volunteer if its important!)

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
 because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
 weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
  (So, reading can give you a sinking feeling?)

A snail can sleep for three years. (A 90yr old man can sleep 30yrs.!)


I dont know the authenticity of this one but I remember
my wife's strange eating habits before the birth of both
our girls and I see some relevance here.

      The Female Stress Diet
 This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope
 with  the stress that builds up during the day;
 1 Grapefruit
 1 Slice whole wheat toast
 1 cup skim milk

 Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
 1 cup herbal tea
 1 Tim Tam

 The rest of the Tim Tams in the packet
 1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
 1 jar Nutella
 4 bottles of red wine
 2 loaves Garlic Bread
 1 family size Supreme Pizza
 3 Snickers bars

 Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake
   (eaten directly from the freezer)
  1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories;
  2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the
     fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke;
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if
     you do not eat more than they do;
  4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example:
     hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka);
  5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look
  6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are
     part of the entertainment package and not counted as food
     intake (this includes: popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas
     and frozen cokes);
  7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the
     biscuits up cause calorie leakage;
  8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are
     in the process of cooking something;
  9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat.
     Examples are:
     spinach and peppermint ice-cream; apples and red jelly snakes;
 10. Chocolate is like a  food-color wildcard and may be
     substituted for any other color;
 11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
     and the density of the calorie mass;
 12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
     rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to
     his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)



The following is a list of 21 questions that were actually asked of
 witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
 given by insightful witnesses. These were attested to as heard by a
 man who had been a paralegal aid for quite a few years and I have no
 reason to doubt their authenticity..

1.Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
  A: "No."
  Q: "So then it IS possible that the patient was alive when you began the
  A: "No."
  Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

2. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
   doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

3. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

5. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

6. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

7. "Did he kill you?"

8. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

9. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

10. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

11. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

12. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

13. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

14. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

15. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

16. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

17. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
        notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

18. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No... he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."


Dont say these out loud - but you can think them with
       immunity .... if not sanity!


As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch
with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever
soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself
...... unless of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having
control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would
have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too!

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself. The third,
to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to
carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,
stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves
into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless
of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to
the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute
... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can
spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective
as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the
next step -- blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is
willing to learn from them.



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's
only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured
out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called
a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid
song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME
crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

   (Why did you just try singing those two songs?)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you the take him for a car
ride, he sticks his head out window?



All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic
   wrapped around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use
   holes of a different size in the same pipe.
The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside
   diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water,
   steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily
   acquired at the job site.
    Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.
         If available in your area, this product is a recommended
         thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
All pipe over 500 ft in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly
   painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long
Pipe over 2 miles in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted
   in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length
   of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
All pipe over 6 ft in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted
   on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
   separate from the big hole in the middle.
When ordering 90 deg. or 30 deg. elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or
   right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
   downhill pipe. if you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water
   will flow the wrong way.
All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but
   do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on
   one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
All pipe with a total length of less than 1/8th of an inch is uneconomical
   to use (requires many joints). They shall be generally known as washers.
Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes
   for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
   recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit,
   Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.


  (some parts of this may be in other articles on this site)


A  dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A  cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A  crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A  dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A  goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A  "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a  second.
A  shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A  snail can sleep for three years.
Al  Capone's business card said he was a used furniture  dealer.
All  50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
  the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds  are a member of the peach family.
An  ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies  are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
  reaches 2 to 6  years of age.
Butterflies  taste with their feet.
Cats  have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about  10.
"Dreamt"  is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February  1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
  full  moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.
If the population of China  walked past you, in single file, the
  line would never end  because of the  rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend
  an average of  6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
  or  purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
  never stop  growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses"  is the longest word typed with only the left hand
  and "lollipop" with your  right.
The  average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The  cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of
  diesel that it burns.
The  microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
  tube and a  chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The  sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
  every letter of  the alphabet.
The  winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
The  words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they
  are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There  are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There  are more chickens than people in the world.
There  are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There  are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
  in order:   "abstemious" and "facetious."
Tigers  have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER  is the longest word that can be made using the letters
  only on one row of the  keyboard.
Winston  Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women  blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your  stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
  otherwise it will  digest itself.

            Now  you do know everything !


©Ted Middleton 2006.

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