Lists #3


         There's so much of this stuff on the internet.  A lot of it
     is just bad taste, bad language, or in content to things more
     understandable to Americans or Europeans. There were lots of spelling
     mistakes, a lot of the lists and bits I've used needed editing to
     make them better understood to Oz people.
         I have edited most of these and any comment from now on will
     only be as absolutely required from me.

-----------

What Women say
... and what they REALLY mean.

No.
means: Yes or no

It's your decision.
means: You know how I feel.

Do what you want.
means: You know what I want.

I'm sorry.
means: You will be too.

We need to talk.
means: I need to complain.

You want
means: I want

We need
means: I want

Of course I'm not upset
means: Of course I'm upset, you moron.

I might as well tell you Bob and I are seeing each other.
means: Bob and I are bonking.

I feel like I've known you my whole life.
means: I think I'm drunk.

Will you respect me in the morning ?
means: You won't tell your friends will you.

I never do this on my first date.
means: I always do this on my first date.

Don't touch me there.
means: Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you the first few times.

You're ... so manly
means: You need a shave and you smell.

Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at a bar Wednesday night?
means: I've been waiting by the telephone for three days.

Let's not talk "commitment" ... Let's just see what happens.
means: I'm not taking any birth control pills.

You're very complimentary tonight.
means: Is sex all you ever think about ?

I can't believe you're here. It must be fate !!
means: I've been following you all day.

I'm very particular about who I have sex with.
means: I draw the line at barnyard animals.

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting.
means: I'm emotional and overacting .

Doesn't Dolly Parton look gross.
means: I'm flat chested.

Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?
means: Want to be an animal ?

C'mon...just come upstairs for a drink
means: Maybe if I can get you more drunk you'll think I'm attractive.

I love a man who takes charge.
means: You're paying for this meal aren't you.

This kitchen is functional.
means: I want a new house

I want new curtains.
means: I want a new house.

I heard a noise.
means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
means: I want a new car.

How much do you love me?
means: I want a new house

Is my bottom fat?
 means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.
means: Just agree with me.

Everyone's been great.
means: All your friends have made passes at me.

Do you like this recipe?
means: You'd better get used to it.

I'm fine . . . really.
means: This is all your fault

I'm not yelling!
means: So what.

Be romantic ... turn out the lights
means: I have flabby thighs.
_________________________
-------------------------

What Men mean when they say...


"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"Let's take your car."
really means..."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely
out of fuel."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what colour you want the kitchen."
really means....."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, grey, mauve, black, turquoise or any other colour besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
really means....."There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Alright then" "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means.....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like the
drooling dog.

"Good idea."
really means..."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."

"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
really means....."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means....."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
really means....."The batteries in the TV remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
really means....."I found a carton of beer I'd missed."

"We're going to be late."
really means....."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
really means...I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
really means....."She made the smoke detector go off too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I've got things on my mind."
really means....."I was wondering if that redhead there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means....."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
really means....."Are you still talking?"

"All I want is for you to be happy."
really means....."Give me a break."

"We could get counselling."
really means" "We could go broke finding out why we're not compatible."

"There'll never be anyone else like you."
really means...."I will never make the same mistake again."

"I missed your face"
really means....."I had a ball without you there""

"You'll have no trouble finding someone else"
really means......"They'll be as fooled as I once was"

"I'm not seeing anyone else"
really means: "My eyes are closed"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means....."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means....."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and nude women in it."

"That's women's work."
really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
really means....."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and my clothes need ironing."

"Go ask your mother."
really means....."I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means....."I remember the theme song to 'Bonanza', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means....."The girl selling them on the corner was a real doll."

"Football is a man's game."
really means....."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
really means....."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means....."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means....."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
really means...."What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
really means....."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
really means....."She refused to make my coffee.

"But I hate to go shopping."
really means....."Because I always wind up outside the dressing room
holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
really means....."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means....."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
stupor with my chest pounding, pre-evolutionary, dribbling companions."

"I heard you."
really means....."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means....."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
really means....."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I brought you a present."
really means....."I got a free Broncos cap at footy."

"I missed you."
really means....."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and
we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means....."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
really means....."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
really means..... "I like you nearly as much as my truck."

"I recycle."
really means..... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
really means..... "Christ .....what have you done to yourself?"

"This is good beer."
really means....."This is beer."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means....."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
really means....."If I wait long enough you'll get someone else to fix it."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
really means....."Somewhere that's not a drive-thru."

"I need time alone"
really means....."I need time alone with someone else"

"I need time to think things over"
really means....."I'm over you"

"We're just not suited to each other"
really means....."She's prettier than you"

"I didn't mean to hurt you"
really means....."I'd forgotten you existed at the time"

"I broke up with her."
really means....."She dumped me."

"We just drifted apart"
really means....."She dumped me"

"I'd still like us to be friends"
really...."I'd like to be around long enough to ruin your next relationship"


=============================================================================

"What Women Want."

    Cute guys
      With brains
        And a Porsche
    A best friend to confide in
    A friend that weighs more than her
    A faithful husband
    A great body
    A great body without aerobics
    Honest politicians
    Shoes in stores that dont fit the first time.
    Wardrobe accessories that still match when you get them home
    A better job than most guys
    Shopping without guilt
    Air bags in cars
    A dishwasher that works
    Recipes that always work
    Eating without gaining weight
    Healthy kids
    Healthy kids that behave
    In-laws in distant states
    Unlimited credit cards
    Pantyhose without runs
    A relationship
    Commitment
    No relationship
    No commitment
    A sale in every store
    Someone to take out the trash
    A great home
    Cleaned by someone else
    Stations that pump petrol for you
    Great skin
    Great skin without working at it
    A guy who doesn't snore
    Travelling
    Not travelling
    Looking great in a swimsuit
    Not trying on swimsuits
    Peace
    No more lint
    Diamonds
    More diamonds
    Money
    More money
    Clean air
    A great wardrobe
    A great wardrobe that always fits
    Looking good in every hairstyle
    Keeping secrets
    Telling secrets
    Cars that don't break down
    A hunk mechanic when they do
    Knowing more about sports than the guys
    Romantic movies
    Movies with happy endings
    A guy who dances
    Free telephones
    No calorie pizza
    A guy who's not afraid to cry
    A guy tough enough not to cry (on demand)
    Chasing butterflies with the kids
    Revenge
    Knowing all the good gossip
    Being a Mum
    A day off from being a Mum
    Giving birth
    Men giving birth
    Respect
    Not having to shave
    Teddy bears
    Hearing someone great sing Waltzing Matilda
    Great seats at the symphony
    Clean sheets
    Being messy if I want to
    Pets who don't shed
    Bowling without being laughed at
    Togetherness
    Space
    Poetry
    Rock and roll
    Forgiving
    Holding a grudge
    Winning the lottery
    Sharing the wealth
    Guys in tuxedos
    Female role models
    An early morning jog
    Sleeping late
    Sunset over water
    Junk food
    The scent of roses
    Killer perfume
    No maintenance manicures
    Big screen movies
    Mushy greeting cards
    A good laugh
    A good cry
    Height without tight heels
    Only people you like on the answering machine
    World domination
    A lot of friends
    Special treatment
    Equality
    Manipulation
    Always winning
    Being fair
    Respect
    Living in the country
    Living in the city
    Reading guys minds
    Reading women's minds
    Car phones you don't have to hold on to
    Simple things
    Expensive things
    Unbreakable garbage disposals
    Free postage
    All of the above
    None of the above
-------
"What Guys Want"
    Beaut looking sheilas
       who dont try to change things
           dont deliver ultimatums
              and dont talk a lot
    A car they can talk about
    Good footy and cricket
    A good beach swell
    A cold beer
    A full esky
    A dry bed
        (Not necessarily in that order)


===========================================================================

A Woman's Little Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman
   because the house was spotless.

You know he's lying if his lips are moving

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men? You might as well - they never mature anyway

A man who can dress himself is probably gay.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them
   apart.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
   woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to say they cant do it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener

If you wanted a committed man...........look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years......
   so even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night"

Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

Women can sleep with men they wouldn't even have lunch with if they
   were women.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
   you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first, say "You may be, you look familiar"

The main point of having a boyfriend it so that he can one day graduate to
   the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend'

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his
   mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong,
   caring, loving etc.    Lies,  but you could still use them.

=============================================================================

The Age of A Woman
-------------------
Below 14: she is like Antarctica: Untouchable.

Between 14 & 17: she is like Africa - Virgin and unexplored.

Between 18 and 30: she is like Asia - Hot and exotic.

Between 31 and 45: she is like America - Fully explored, breathtakingly
beautiful and free with her resources.

Between 46 and 56: she is like Europe - Exhausted but still has points of
interest.

Between 56 and 60: she is like outback Australia - Everybody knows its out
there but nobody gives a damn!

Between 60 and 64: she's like Russia - Everybody knows it's out there, but
no one ever dares to go.

After 64: she's like the Moon - No one visits anymore

============================================================================

35 Reasons why dogs are better than a man
    Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    You never have to wonder if your dog is good enough for you.
    Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
    Dogs don't brag about their conquests.
    Dogs don't criticise your friends.
    Dogs are happy showing they are jealous.
    Dogs dont laugh at how you throw a stick.....and they bring it back too
    Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent.
    Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
    You can train a dog.
    Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
    Dogs dont have highly suspicious dreams.
    Dogs don't know that they're gorgeous.
    The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the WORST
           disease you can get from them is rabies, but at least there's a
           vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
    Dogs understand what "no" means.
    Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialisation.
    Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
    Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
    You can house train a dog.
    You can force a dog to take a bath.
    Dogs don't correct your stories.
    Middle-aged dogs don't abandon you for a younger owner.
    Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
    Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
    Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
    Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
    Dogs admit it when they're lost.
    Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
    Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs or not.
    Dogs take care of their own needs.
    Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
    Dogs mean it when they cuddle up to you.
    Dogs can be nice to your relatives.
    Dogs are faithful


 ===========================================================================

        MY MOTHERS EDUCATION LIST!!!
        ----------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother  taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about  TIME TRAVEL.
   "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week"

4. My  mother taught me LOGIC.
    "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE  LOGIC.
   "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop
    with me"

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My  mother taught me IRONY.
   "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about  CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
     "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about  WEATHER.
      "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about  HYPOCRISY.
      "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
     "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. " Stop acting like your father."


15. My mother taught me about  ENVY.
      "There are fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents
       like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
      "Just wait until we get home"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
      "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19." My  mother taught me ESP."
     "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me  HUMOR.
      "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me  GENETICS.
      "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
     "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me  WISDOM.
      "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: - My mother taught  me about JUSTICE.
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"




============================================================================

       Life's Little Destruction Book    

Boorish, insensitive and socially obnoxious pointers
for leading a simple, self-centered life.


INTRODUCTION
Goody two-shoeism hangs like an angel's halo over the land, pressuring us to
improve ourselves and constantly do the right thing. Recycling has us going
around in circles. Sensitivity shades into silliness. One more rant about
co-dependency and we will all go cuckoo. There are just too many good things
to do. 

Unchecked, the pursuit of perfection threatens to release the little quirks
and foibles and peculiarities that make us us. If we become any nicer, better
behaved, more socially concerned, blissful - or repressed - we could end up
a nation of axe murderers. 

Enough already. The prescriptions and advice in these pages are meant as an
antidote to niceness run rampant. The book points the way back toward sanity.
Let each sentence be your clarion call. Think small and indulge yourself;
vent your spleen lest it explode and splatter your neighbour. Go ahead and
be a little obnoxious; make sucking noises; be pushy.

Learn again to belittle. Belabor and betray. Use more plastic, grind your
teeth and experience again the exquisite satisfaction you once knew as a
child when you peed in the pool. Our way of life may depend on it. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Post-date all your cheques. 
Hum along at the concert 
Never be grateful. It's a sign of weakness. 
Take the hotel towel. 
Signal left; turn right. 
Help fools part with their money. 
Never forgive, never forget. 
Don't keep secrets. 
Pass the vicious rumours along. 
Exaggerate on your resume. 
Let everyone know how hard you work. 
Practice the art of limp handshakes. 
Hire a devious accountant; it's like giving yourself a raise. 
Buy this book. 
Read other people's mail. 
Avoid self-help books like "Life's Little Instruction Book." 
See if you can get this book without paying for it. 
Be the first to say, "That's Mine". 
Enjoy interrupting the punch lines of other people's jokes. 
Beware the outstretched hand. 
Exploit at least three people a day. It will make yours. 
Own a pit bull terrier. Keep it hungry. 
Develop a vice-like handshake. 
Avoid eye contact. 
Never write "thank-you" notes. 
Let others wash up. It's a waste of your time. 
Never be grateful. It's a sign of weakness. 
Watch your back. 
Make new enemies but don't forget the old ones. 
Show respect only for men with guns. 
Learn to cheat well at cards and golf. 
Learn to trick your dog. It's a great stress reliever at the end
  of a hard day. 
Don't be ashamed to live beneath your dignity. 
Drive an expensive car, and sleep around to pay for it. 
Pay tolls with $50 bills. 
If the mistake is in your favour, don't correct it. 
Butter up the boss. 
Talk with your hand over your mouth. 
Misquote. 
Tell the ending of movies. 
Give little kids clothes for their birthdays. 
Use sexist innuendos to get more attention. 
Stand up your date. 
Fire people by phone. 
Sniffle a lot. 
Never make your bed. 
Cut people off in the middle of their sentences. 
Slouch. 
Wear jeans to weddings. 
Leave the toilet set up. 
Add insult to injury. 
Never be afraid to show your rage. 
Park in the handicapped space. 
Take more than ten items to the express checkout line. 
Fumble for change when boarding buses. 
Broadcast your conquests. 
Borrow a book and dog-ear the pages. 
Be indiscreet. 
Steal fruit from the back of trucks with hand-lettered signs. 
Never vote. It will never make a difference to your life. 
Give gifts you know they'll give back. 
No matter what the circumstances, never accept blame. Never, never take
  responsibility. 
Frame someone you really, really despise. 
Finish other people's crossword puzzles. 
Ask people what they paid for their clothes. 
Rake the leaves into your neighbour's yard. 
Pinch your spouse's love handles. 
Don't sign your cheques. 
Mumble. 
Take personal calls during important meetings. 
Spend 10 per cent more than you earn. Just let the bills mount up, as you
  won't have to pay most of them. 
Never pay your bills if you can get away with it. Creditors often can't
  be bothered to go to the expense of collecting smaller amounts. 
Make the worst f a good situation. 
Offer to pick up your neighbour's mail while they're away. Then arrange for
  an accomplice to burgle their house. 
Use your wit to abuse, not amuse. 
Remember that someone else's bad news can be good news for you. 
Always jump the traffic queue. 
Never volunteer for anything. 
Be nasty. Even if you're not, pretend to be. People will respect you more. 
Exploit a charity in your community and become dependent on it. 
Take everyone for granted. 
Accept any job that pays more than you're worth. 
Take your boom box to the beach. 
Develop a convenient memory. 
Remind people that their freckles could be cancerous. 
Don't return phone calls. 
Use the last square of toilet paper. 
Ask people how much they make. 
Don't flush. 
Leave a wet lollipop on the new sofa. 
Tailgate the elderly. 
Tell your kids to try even harder. 
Tear articles from magazines in the doctor's waiting room. 
Put sticky syrup cans back in the cupboard. 
Let the telephone keep on ringing. 
Don't dot your i's or cross your t's. 
Carve your name in picnic tables. 
Leave your thumb prints on photographs. 
Hold off paying people who bill you without charging interest. 
Send anonymous letters. 
Drink from other people glasses. 
Learn to tell lies based on elements of the truth. 
Develop a truly tasteless foul mouth. 
Drum your fingers during other peoples presentations. 
Leave the concert during the solo or before the clapping starts. 
Leave the price tags on presents. 
Blow out other peoples birthday candles. 
Name drop. 
Don't refill the ice cube tray. 
Leave dairy products open in the refrigerator. 
Don't leave a message at the beep. 
Talk with your finger in people's faces. 
Sleep until noon every day. 
Smoke in bed. 
Dress 15 years younger. 
Forget to shower in the morning. 
Be a day late for your anniversary. 
Don't delay acting on a good scam. Chances are someone else has just
  thought of it too. Success comes to the one who gets in first. 
Remember that losers do what winners avoid like the plague. 
Keep the knives sharp. 
Listen to other people's problems. They could be your opportunities. 
Beware of investigative journalists. Make sure you have easy access to
  the back door. 
Be uncontractable when someone needs your help. 
Every day look for some small way to undermine your boss. 
Whenever possible acquire things the old-fashioned way: Borrow or steal. 
Always be right. 
Lean on the doorbell. 
If there is going to be a fight, make sure you start it. 
Don't take "no" for an answer. 
Ignore "No Smoking" signs. 
Bark orders. 
Put coal in Christmas stockings, 
Sneer at people who try hard. 
Assume everybody agrees with you, but keep trying to convince them. 
Brag a lot. 
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot. 
Pledge money that you won't be sending. 
Leave bureau drawers and file cabinets open. 
Don't vote. 
Wash whites with darks. 
Use gift wrapping paper a second time. 
Crack your knuckles. 
Follow the letter of the law, not the spirit. 
Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good. 
Never give up on anybody. Revenge is sweet. 
Treat underlings as such. 
Argue with everybody. 
Touch the paintings at the museum. 
Get hysterical. 
Block the entrance of elevators, buses and subways. 
Insinuate, implicate and insist. 
Threaten lawsuits. 
Pass the buck. 
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it. 
Toss pants with tissues in the pockets into the washing machine. 
Remember that your teenager is under 12 when buying tickets or paying fares. 
Flaunt it. 
Prevaricate, obfuscate and complicate. 
Read Winning through Intimidation by Robert Ringer. 
Gamble with the rent money. 
Record over a borrowed VCR tape. 
Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't. 
Nurture conspiracy theories. 
Don't get caught. 
Ask for a rush job except when there is a charge. 
Stay directly in front of or behind fire trucks and ambulances. 
Cross at the red or the green or the yellow. 
Remember no one makes it alone. Use others. 
Save Money. Use other people's. 
Forget committees. Scams work better when you work alone. 
Understand that happiness isn't based on relationships with people you love
  and respect, but on money and power. 
Never buy expensive shoes, ties and belts. Borrow them from others. 
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two. 
Dream up special requests for waiters and waitresses. 
Every umbrella is yours. 
Pry. 
Don't make up your mind. 
Practice passive aggression. 
Toss things out the window: tissues, cigarettes, cellophane food
  wrappings and those sorts of little things. 
Try whining. 
Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air. 
Remind people who lose their job that they probably should have
  worked harder. 
Accuse, confuse and refuse. 
Prophesy woe, financial chaos and domination by Japan. 
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April. 
Talk with your mouth full. 
Comment on weight gain in others. 
Ask her if the diamond ring is real. 
Keep a store of wisecracks for tense and serious occasions. 
Pound the table. 
Try the expert trail the day you first put on skis. 
Scratch your pits whenever you want. 
If it feels go, do it. 
Answer a question with a question. 
See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle. 
Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures. 
Don't give to charities unless you get something back. 
If you have to give blood, at least make a big show of it. 
Have your secretary do all your personal shopping. 
Assume that your place is next to the hostess. 
Ask the stewardess a question every five minutes or so. 
Add the straw that breaks the camels back. 
Clean your fingernails at the dinner table. 
Take but don't give phone messages. 
Stopping for red lights after midnight is a waste of precious time. 
Tell people what you think they want to hear. 
Notice good ideas and pass them off as your own. 
Smuggle a little. 
Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate. 
See if you can be the first one of the plane even if you are sitting
  by the window. 
Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner
  and hotel reservations. 
Have an alias and the IDs to prove it. 
Balance the cheque-book every six months or so. 
Keep two sets of books. 
Skip town. 
Leave the lights on. 
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. 
Give unsolicited advice. 
Don't do anything until you have been asked twice. 
Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one. 
Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow. 
Spot test "Wet Paint" signs. 
Say "like" at the end of sentences, like. 
Don't shower after working out. 
Go up the down escalator. 
Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines. 
Change channels without asking. 
Underline in other people's books. 
Goose the bride and the groom. 
Always borrow, never lend. 
Call the wife "the little women". 
Lie about your age. 
Tell people what you expect them to give you for your birthday. 
If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty. 
Slurp your soup. 
Focus on winning and to hell with how you play the game. 
Be judgmental. 
Snap your gum. 
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top and, while you're at it, leave
  the cap off. 
Send smutty birthday cards to your in-laws. 
Open umbrellas in crowded hallways. 
Announce when you're going to the bathroom. 
Read over people's shoulders on the bus. 
Hold out until the other guy gives in. 
Ignore deadlines. 
Revenge is sweet; get some. 
Borrow money from your mother-in-law. 
When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you. 
Pad your expense account. 
Take the labels off unopened cans. 
Adjust your underwear in public. 
Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame. 
Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose. 
Curse the umpire at a Little League game. 
If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it. 
Bribe kids; they are easy. 
When you're done with your gum, stick it under the chair. 
Needle, meddle, coddle, diddle, fiddle. 
Crash private meetings with a big smile on your face. 
Read the paper during family meals. 
Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything. 
Put a too cute message on your answering machine. 
Be ambiguous; it lets you work both sides of the issue. 
Measure people by the money they have and the clothes they wear. 
Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower. 
Dish it out, but don't take it. 
Chew other peoples pencils. 
Get a backseat drivers license. 
Don't mess with model aircraft, and don't associate with those that do. 
Slow Pay. 
In business and in family relationships, remember that the most important
  thing is, "What's in it for me?". 
Forget the Joneses. Keep up with the "Iwasakis". 
Get the best lawyer and accountant money can buy. 
Never encourage anyone to become a patriot. 
Drive a black car. People will fear and respect you. 
Street musicians and charity collectors are a pest. Avoid them and
  save your pennies. 
Support the unemployed. They are an unlimited source of exploitation. 
Never buy a pet. It costs more to keep a pet than a child. 
When lunching with four or more people, offer to collect the money
  then pay   the exact bill. Chances are, you'll get your meal paid
  for out of their tips. 
Avoid advertising agencies unless you want to spend 25% more than
  you would without one on ads that nobody understands anyway. 
After experiencing good service, food or products, make a scene anyway.
  If you're lucky you may not be charged. 
Even if you're financially well-to-do, always cry poor. 
Avoid environmentally-friendly people. 
Buy things by phone using someone else's credit cards. 
Smile a lot. People will think you're a nice person. 
Support the death penalty for parking violations. 
Change the rules to suit your needs. 
Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair. 
Put your cigarettes out in planters. 
Apologize a lot but don't change. 
Make the kids stand at attention every morning. 
Wear T shirts with gross messages. 
Leave your shopping cart on line at the check-out - then go shopping. 
Pull the covers over to your side. 
Leave wet towels on the bedspread. 
Let doors slam behind you - in people's faces. 
Clip your nails in bed. 
Repeat yourself. 
Repeat yourself. 
Don't know when to stop. 
Tell teenagers who things were in your day. 
Play office politics. 
Put things back where they don't belong. 
Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation. 
Vividly describe a hysterectomy when the "entrées" arrives. 
Always attack from behind. 
Scrawl your signature on important documents. 
Take your colicky baby to the movies. 
Hand out your business cards at funerals. 
Have belching contests in restaurants. 
Clean your ear with your pinky. 
Let your blind date know she isn't up to what you were told. 
Make the same mistake twice. 
Pee in the swimming pool. 
Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in. 
Master and practice your best wolf whistle. 
Wear large hats during the movies. 
Wear golf shoes on newly polished wooden floors. 
Leave wire hangers on the closet floor. 
Always have an ulterior motive. 
Push the panic button every other day. 
Take the biggest piece. 
Get up on the wrong side of the bed. 
Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes. 
Race the old women for the last bus seat. 
Take cheap shots. 
Comb your hair in the kitchen. 
Take forever to find your word in scrabble. 
Bring 85 things to the dressing room. 
Play handball against the greenhouse. 
Remember that everything was better years ago. 
Change your mind. 
Glue a chip to your shoulder. 
Blame the victim. 
Put salt in the sugar containers. 
Greet each new day with a growl. 
Put your initials in wet concrete. 
Crack the spines of good books. 
Draw moustaches on posters. 
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back. 
Dangle participles. 
Whistle a happy tune - over and over. 
Walk tall, carry a big stick, and use it. 
Give out other people's unlisted phone numbers. 
Install a siren in your car. 
Do unto others as you would never have them do unto you. 
Buy the cheapest wine when invited to dinner parties. Substitute
  the price tag with a higher price tag. 
When someone is relating an important event that's happened to
  them, top them with a story of your own. 
Always hog the limelight. 
Change your locks regularly. 
Deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have. 
Take money from your kid's piggy bank. 
Have a penny, take a penny. 
Be vague. 
Grab someone else's taxi. 
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you. 
Assign names to your body parts, like "winkie." 
Put advertisements under people's windshield wipers. 
When others are in a hurry, take your time. 
Chase ambulances at every opportunity, especially if you're stuck
  in a traffic jam. 
Overstay your welcome. 
Hedge and waffle. 
Kick sand at the beach. 
Serve fish with the head still on it. 
Touch strangers. 
Guilt trip. 
Fog up the bathroom mirror. 
Tell how awfully big your haemorrhoids are. 
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus. 
Hit below the belt. 
Bite your Dentist's finger. 
He who has the gold rules. 
Remember the Sabbath and sleep late. 
Worry your mother. 
Pick your scabs. 
Change horses in midstream. 
Let the crumbs fall on the floor, and the chips where they may. 
Get up early and take your neighbour's newspaper. 
Drive like a cabby. 
Point out mispronunciations. 
Sneeze in a crowded elevator. 
Get into a heated argument about the weather. 
Open the casket for one last look. 
Leave the alarm on when he doesn't have to get up. 
Shake up the club soda before opening it. 
Make animal noises in libraries. 
Fart in cramped public spaces. 
Don't tell the committee that you cancelled the meeting. 
Ask how people are, but don't wait for a response. 
Stiff somebody today, but only if it's undeserved. 
Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads. 
Assume the authority but not the responsibility. 
Get your back up. 
Don't stand during hymns and anthems. 
Be generous with backhanded compliments. 
Park in spaces reserved for the handicapped. If caught, act like you are
  mentally retarded - nine times out of ten you'll pull it off. 
Return borrowed vehicles with the petrol tank empty, but humbly apologise. 
Criticize in public. Show who's boss. 
Praise in private. It avoids others getting big heads. 
Enjoy discussing money with people who have far less than you. 
Have no respect whatsoever for tradition. 
Never wave at children on school busses. 
Learn to look mean, even if you don't feel like it.
  You'll gain respect of all you meet. 
Always hire people you can control and manipulate. 
Avoid people like yourself. they're a threat. 
Never trust anyone who says, "Trust me". 
Always eat at food halls. You'll save heaps. 
Better still, if dining alone, dress down and visit your local soup
  kitchen. 
Always have an unlisted home telephone number. 
Have at least 12 different business cards that you can use for any
  occasion. 
Get a mobile phone, fax and pager. That way you cut overheads and you
  keep total control of things. The good thing is that you are safe
  from annoying creditors and hawkers. 
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity,
  they think of Uncle Bill. 
During a garbage strike, gift wrap your rubbish and leave on the back
  seat of your unlocked car. It will soon be stolen. 
At Telethons, pledge lots of money on behalf of a person or company in
  your firing line. Insist that it's announced on air. 
Always disrupt your ex-wives' new relationships. After all, they made
  your life miserable. 
Save your long distance calls 'til you're in someone else's home.
  (Parties are a good time). 
Try looking down your nose at newcomers. 
Find good things to say about Richard Nixon. 
Swear until you're blue in the face. 
Wait five weeks to deposit cheques. 
Borrow your room-mate's diaphragm. 
When negotiating your salary, think of what you want, then double it. 
Give yourself an hour to cool off before responding to someone who
  crosses you. Use the time to plot revenge. 
Never give people the benefit of the doubt. 
Keep people waiting. They'll think you are more important than you are. 
Never be afraid to rip-off other people's ideas. 
Encourage your children to take a part-time job after the age of six.
  It will save you money. 
Never give people a second chance. 
Never be romantic. It's a waste of time and money. 
Live in a glass house and throw stones. 
Procrastinate and someone else will surely do it. 
Eat like a horse and make a pig of yourself. 
Drown you sorrows by bending the elbow. 
If you can do the time, do the crime. 
Believe that numbers and stars influence the way your life works. 
Use more plastic. 
Put all your eggs in one basket. 
Play with fire. 
Split hairs. 
Cut corners. 
Drown yourself in perfume. 
Never eat crow, hats or humble pie. 
Fish for compliments. 
Crack the whip. 
Have bones to pick. 
Dance fast to slow music and vice versa. 
Cook everything with chilli peppers. 
Drink orange juice right out of the carton. 
Burn your bridges and candles at both ends. 
Call your spouse by the name of an old flame. 
Heads you win, tails you win. 
Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in the apartment. 
Put pennies in the collection plate. 
Lean way back in delicat4e old chairs. 
Make fun of all accents. 
Don't sign your greeting cards. 
Leave papers in the copier. 
Rubberneck. 
Neck and pet in public places. 
Ask your parents and grandparents how much they plan to leave you. 
Brush the dandruff off other people's shoulders. 
Lick the knife before putting it back in the strawberry jam. 
Suspect a plot. 
Be "in conference" all the time. 
Pinch kids' cheeks. 
Tell long boring stories. 
Bitch, bitch, bitch. 
Get into every photograph you can. 
Have a "Clergy to Call" sign made for your windshield. 
Slap people on the back. 
Swear this time you mean it - really. 
Misfile everything especially contracts. 
Remind friend of stupid things they did ten years ago. 
Bum cigarettes. 
Park in front of driveways and hydrants. 
Don't tear the edge off computer paper. 
Whisper behind their backs. 
Let your nose hair grow out. 
Don't clean the dryer lint screen. 
Shave every third or fourth day. 
Eat crackers in bed, and then move to your side. 
Cover your living room furniture in plastic. 
Mix up books on library shelves. 
Tape-record phone conversations and use them later for revenge. 
Pass stopped school buses. 
Flash your Rolex, even if it's phoney. 
Feed the dog under the table. 
Don't mow the lawn more than once or twice a season. 
Buy it, wear it, return it. 
Be unprepared for public appearances. 
Ask if a present is returnable. 
Never return library books. 
Over consume and buy on impulse. 
Tell people they have bad breath. 
Keep your car moving fast near the sidewalk puddles. 
Call friends during the Grand Final to talk out our problems. 
Copy copyrighted software. 
Drink hot coffee while driving. 
Don't tell vegetarians about the meat in the casserole. 
Occupy a cafe table for hours with one cup of coffee. 
Smell smoke often and announce it. 
Keep saying, "That's Nice" 
Wear sheep's clothing. 
Open old wounds whenever possible. 
Brag about your new fur in a pet store. 
Tell jokes at funerals. 
Convince other people to take risks you wouldn't touch. 
Throw a loud party in the middle of the week. 
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet. 
Practice pulling the wool over peoples eyes. 
Don't call to cancel reservations. 
Sulk. 
Be known for your sesquipedalianisms. 
Quote proverbs in Latin. 
Go topless or all the way on public beaches. 
Put everyone on speaker phone. 
Play with marked cards. 
Develop the skill of cutting people down to size. 
Refuse to have a nice day. 
Say "uh" after every word. 
Write Dear John letters. 
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you. 
Deception is power. 
Belittle, belabor and betray. 
Alternately raise and lower your voice to make people question
  their hearing. 
Keep asking, "Are we there yet ?" 
Rain on someone's parade. 
Use up all the hot water. 
Beg the questions. 
Find the loopholes. 
Covet thy neighbour or his wife. 
Bet a beggar double or nothing. 
Don't knock. 
Refuse collect calls from your family. 
If you don't get your way, take your ball and bat and go home. 
Clean up your boss's desk. 
Hog the dryer at the laundromat. 
Eat off your date's plate. 
Drink your room-mate's last beer. 
Shave your legs with your husband's razor. 
Use bug spray in the car. 
Bite off more than you can chew. 
Enjoy tormenting animals and children. Another top stress reliever. 
Don't believe that money can't buy you happiness. It can. 
No matter how sticky the situation, keep your cool. 
Never underestimate your power to control other people. 
Never try to see things from other people's point of view.
  It's irrelevant. 
Don't be afraid to burn bridges. There re plenty more rivers to cross. 
Eat garlic before business meetings and intimate dinners. 
Foreplay is for wimps. And just remember that old definition of eternity:
  "The period between the time you cum and the time she leaves." 
Indulge in character assassination. 
Jiggle your foot continuously during job interviews. 
Wallow in self-pity. 
Never Dust. 
Run amok. 
Make scary faces at babies. 
Put your feet on the table. 
Play mind games. 
Recommend untrustworthy auto mechanics. 
Bite the hand that feeds you. 
Open gift cheques at the wedding and announce the amount. 
Tell everyone that they should be in therapy. 
Flirt with a friend's spouse. 
Lie with statistics. 
Say the coffee is decaf when it isn't. 
Serve wine in juice or shrimp cocktail glasses. 
Tell a friend who has had a disaster to look on the bright side
  of it. 
Make fun of men who cry. 
Leave your fly open. 
Throw out the baby with the bath water. 
Borrow money from friends and then deny you did. 
Never give anyone anything. 
Leave used dental floss on the bathroom sink. 
Wear taps on your shoes. 
Don't show up after you offer someone a lift. 
Bring a bar of soap to the health club whirlpool. 
Disturb the peace. 
Keep your overheads low. 
Accept pain and disappointment as part of other people's lives. 
Take advantage of people when they ask you to be honest with them. 
Learn to handle a lead pipe. 
Contribute five per cent of your income to a charity you control and
  claim it as a tax deduction. 
When having contracts drawn up, make sure the fine print is illegible. 
remember, a foot in the door is worth two on the street. 
Discreetly spread lies about your office rivals.
  (Hint at homosexuality). 
Respect entrepreneurs who've ripped off the public. 
If you damage someone's vehicle when the owner is absent, always pretend
  to leave a note if there are witnesses. that way they won't think to
  get your number plate. 
In establishing your prowess say, "I only have four inches, but width
  isn't everything". 
Always remember the motto "Find 'em, Fuck 'em, Forget 'em". 
If your child comes third in a school race, chastise him with,
   "We don't play for Bronze". 
Beware the tin that rattles: Charity beings at home. 
Make the most of other people's physical deficiencies. 
Be cruel to be kind. 
Never admit your mistakes. 
Live life to the full. 
Marry only for money. 
Remember, women love bastards. 
As Attila The Hun said on his deathbed when asked if he could live
  his life again, would he change anything:
  "Yes, next time no more Mr Nice Guy". 
Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same
  number of hours per day that were given to Attila The Hun,
  Joe McCarthy, Al Capone and Joe Stalin. 
Avoid health clubs. 
Sit in the home stand and cheer for the other team. 
Pretend you're listening. 
Step on your dance partner's foot. 
Don't back up your computer data. 
Cast the first stone. 
Don't call your mother. 
Go all out to win when you play games with kids. 
Never acknowledge anyone else's contribution to anything. 
Serve red wine with fish. 
Don't date business letters. 
Jump to conclusions. 
Be a bad sport. 
Shake with your left hand. 
RSVP on the last possible day. 
Answer the phone with, "What do you want ?" 
Put the fork on the right and the knife on the left. 
Leave people in limbo with Call Waiting. 
Don't worry about your reputation. There are plenty of people who've
  never heard of you yet. 
Tailgate. Other cars will soon get out of your way. 
Don't allow self-pity. The moment this emotion strikes, do something
  nasty to someone more fortunate than you. 
Claim the credit for any success, even if you had little to do with it.
  The more you say it, the more others will believe you. (Even the
  person whose idea it was). 
Never keep a mistress or girlfriend for more than one year. She may
  start to think about claiming half your assets. 
Never be seen with your mistress or girlfriend in public. So if she
  does make any claim, deny ever having met her. 
Have a friend who owns a truck. You'll save heaps on removal charges. 
Make a list of twenty things you want to experience in your life.
  Leave your wife and kids and go for it. 
It's better to give than receive. Unless we're talking about money
  or possessions. 
Every person that you meet knows something you don't.
  Pick their brains then move on. 
Never tip. 
Don't be afraid to compromise your integrity. 
When planning a family trip abroad, rent a travel video about the
  places you'll visit - then cancel the trip. 
It pays to know influential cops. 
Never play Scrabble. 
Life was never meant to be easy for others. 
Ingratiate yourself to rich old sick people.
  (Where there's a will, there's a chance). 
Work in teams. 
Keep the answering machine on, even when you're at home. 
Never take phone calls. Ring them back so you have the advantage. 
Once you've sold, shut up. 
Learn to say sincerely, "You won't regret this". 
Have one for the road.  


[Close]

============================================================================

My list of numbers we've all heard of
-------------------------------------
   I haven't included the obvious first, second, third etc.,
     or the couple, half dozen, triple, double, pair etc.
     I threw in some of the fractional ones to kick off.....

                                         ZERO TOLERANCE
                                         QUARTERBACK
                                         QUARTERMILK (no?)
                                         HALFBACK
                                         HALF HEARTED
                                         HALF MEASURES
                                         HALF MEASURES
                                         HALF TIME
                                         HALF WAY
                                       A HALF WIT
                                        A1
                                       A 1
                                  NUMBER 1
                           THERE IS ONLY 1 ALTERNATIVE
                                     THE 1 AND ONLY
                                         1 DAY
                                         1 DOZEN
                                         1 EACH
                                         1 EYED
                                       A 1 MAN DOG
                                         1 PACE
                                         1 OFF
                                         1 OF THE BEST
                                         1 ON 1
                                         1 MINDEDNESS
                                         1 SPEED
                    IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW 1
                       THERE'S MORE THAN 1 WAY TO SKIN A CAT
                  TO KILL TWO BIRDS WITH 1 STONE
               TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN 1
                                 THE OLD 1 - 2
                              AS EASY AS 1 - 2 - 3
                                         1 FOR THE ROAD
                                         1 TOO MANY
                                         1 IN A MILLION
                                         1 MUST DO ONE'S BEST
                                         1 PIECE
                                    WITH 1 THING IN MIND
                                         1 TIME
                                       A 1 WAY STREET
                               THERE ARE 2 ALTERNATIVES
                               THERE ARE 2 SIDES TO EVERY ARGUMENT
                                         2 SPEED
                                       A 2 TIME LOSER
                              DINNER FOR 2
                                         2 TIMING
                          THERE ARE ONLY 2 THINGS CERTAIN - DEATH & TAXES
             A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH 2 IN THE BUSH
                                       A 2 CARD TRICK
                                         2 CHOICES
                                         2 DIMENSIONAL
                                         2 EACH
                                         2 FINGER TYPING
                                         2 FOLD
                                         2 GUESSES
                                         2 PIECE
                                       A 2 SLICE TOASTER
                                       A 2 SOME
                                     THE 2 STEP
                                         2 FACED
                                         2 THIRDS
                                         2 UP
                                         2 WAY RADIO
                                       A 2 WAY STREET
                                         2 WAYS
                                IT TAKES 2 TO TANGO
                                 TEA FOR 2
                                 TO HAVE 2 BOB EACH WAY
                                 TO KILL 2 BIRDS WITH ONE STONE
                                         2 BITES OF THE CHERRY
                                         2 HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
                                         2 IS COMPANY - THREE'S A CROWD
                                         2 THIRDS
                                         2-UP
                                         2 WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT
                                         2 X 1
                               THERE ARE 3 ALTERNATIVES
                         TWO IS COMPANY, 3'S A CROWD
                                         3 BLIND MICE
                                         3 CHEERS
                                         3-D
                                     A DC3
                                         3 DIMENSIONAL
                                         3 DOOR
                                         3 FOLD
                                         3 GUESSES
                                         3 QUARTERS
                                         3 PIECE
                                       A 3 SOME
                                         3 SPEED
                                         3 WAYS
                                         3 WISE MEN
                                         3 X 2
                                         4 X 2
                                         4 X 4
                                       A 4 CYLINDER
                                         4 DIMENSIONAL
                                         4 DOOR
                                       A 4 GALLON DRUM
                                       A 4-LETTER WORD
                                     THE 4-MINUTE MILE
                                       A 4 POSTER
                                       A 4 SOME
                                       A 4 SLICE TOASTER
                                         4 SPEED
                                         4WD
                                         4-WHEEL DRIVE
                                         5 ml
                                         5 O'CLOCK SHADOW
                                         5 SPEED
                                       A 5 SEATER LOUNGE
                                      AT 6's AND SEVENS
                                       A 6 CYLINDER
                                       A 6 FOOTER
                                         6 FOOT UNDER
                                         6 O'CLOCK SWILL
                                       A 6 PIECE SETTING
                                         6-SHOOTER
                                         6-STITCHER
                                         6 X 4
                            AT SIXES AND 7's
                                         7 DAYS
                                   LUCKY 7
                                     THE 7 SEAS
                                     THE 7 YEAR ITCH
                                     THE 7 DEADLY SINS
                              BEHIND THE 8 BALL
                                         8 IS ENOUGH
                               THE FINAL 8
                                      A V8
                                      AN 8 CYLINDER
                  A STITCH IN TIME SAVES 9
                                         9 DAY WONDER
                                         9 TO FIVE
                                    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
                                        10 ml
                                UNLUCKY 13
                                        14 DAYS
                                        15 ml
                                  SWEET 16
                              THE FINAL 16
                                        20 - 20 VISION
                                        20 ml
                                        21 DAYS
                                      A 21 GUN SALUTE
                                      A 21 INCH SCREEN
                                        21 TODAY
                                  CATCH 22
                                        22 STIRLING
                                      A 30 - 30 SHOTGUN
                                        30 DAYS
                                        30-SOMETHING
                                        33 AND A THIRD
                                THE BIG 4...0
                                      A 44 GALLON DRUM
                                      A 44 MAGNUM
                                        45 DAYS
                                        50/50
                                        60/40
                                        60 DAYS
                                    THE 64 DOLLAR QUESTION
                                        90 DAYS
                                      A 99 YEAR LEASE
                                       100S AND THOUSANDS
                      MESSERSCHMITT ME 101
                                       101 THINGS TO DO
                                   AN F111
                                       80cc
                                       125cc
                                     A 149 MOTOR
                                     A 179 MOTOR
                                       185cc
                                       250cc
                                     A 302 MOTOR
                                     A 303 ENFIELD
                                       500cc
                                       600cc
                              A BOEING 727
                                       750cc
                              A BOEING 767
                                      1000cc
                   A PICTURE IS WORTH 1000 WORDS

                         HUNDREDS AND 1000S
                                      1000 ISLANDS DRESSING

       There's lots more than I'll never remember.........
  ------------------------------

------------------
Age

The only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" ....
You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!
 You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump
to the next number.  How old are you?   "I'm nearly 16." You could be 14,
but you'll still say you're nearly 16.  Eighteen then becomes your key to
life because of the doors it opens and the freedom and acceptance society
gives it.
And then the greatest day of your life happens ... you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES, YESS, YESSS !!!
But then you turn 30 ..... hang on there....TURN 30? Makes you sound like
bad milk ... He TURNED 30...like "throw him out - he TURNED"......!
What changed?? (You're 21, then you TURN 30, suddenly you're  PUSHING 40)..
.. it all sounds like it's slipping away somehow.
Then you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams seem to be gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... and you really didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you
MAKE IT to 60 ...... and you've built up so much speed by this time that you
suddenly realise you've HIT 70......and the brakes have seemingly failed!
You GET INTO your 80's.  After that, it's a day by day thing.
Even green bananas seem like a bad investment!
And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I
was JUST 92 ...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid
again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"


------------------
Buzzword Groupings  for Managers

        COLUMN I                COLUMN II              COLUMN III
   ---------------------   ---------------------   ----------------
    0. integrated          0. management           0. options
    1. heuristic           1. organizational       1. flexibility
    2. systematized        2. monitored            2. capability
    3. parallel            3. reciprocal           3. mobility
    4. functional          4. digital              4. programming
    5. responsive          5. logistical           5. scenarios
    6. optional            6. transitional         6. time-phase
    7. synchronized        7. incremental          7. projection
    8. compatible          8. third-generation     8. hardware
    9. futuristic          9. policy               9. contingency

The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase
that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive
knowledgeable authority.  No one will have the remotest idea of what
you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT
ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
----------------




------------------------------
Dad's Words of Wisdom

For all the fathers out there, how many of these have you said?

Don't ask me, ask your mother.            Were you raised in a tent?
Big boys don't cry.   Don't worry. It's only blood.     Close the door.
Don't you know any normal boys?          Now you listen to ME, Buster!
Coffee will stunt your growth.       A little dirt never hurt anyone.
 Get your elbows off the table.     Who said life was supposed to be fair.
Always say please and thank you.    If you forget, you'll be grounded.
"Hey" is for horses.             You didn't beat me, I let you win.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.     Turn off those lights.
Do you think I am made of money?       Don't give me any of your lip.
You call that noise "music"?  We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.
No, we're not there yet.                       You call that a haircut?
When I was your age , I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
I'll tell you why, because I said so, that's why. Do what I say, not what I
I do.
So you think you're smart, do you?      Shake it off. It's only pain.
Wipe that smile off your face.     Come  on, you throw like a girl.
Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.   You should visit more often.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.    What's so funny?
You want something to do? I'll give you something to do. Your mother worries.
This is your last warning.    I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?        Sit up straight!
 I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!   What do you think I am, a bank?
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
What part of NO don't you understand?      What will other parents think?
I don't care what other people are doing!  I'm not everybody else's father!
You're not leaving my house dressed like that!        Act your age.
Could those sleeves be any longer?            You look like a bag lady!
I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying
Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing.      Am I talking to a brick wall?
If you're going to be dumb, you've got to be tough.   Wipe your feet!
Didn't you learn anything from your teacher?  Dont use that tone with me!
You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.  Don't make me stop the car!
Men are like buses, just wait on the corner and another one will come along.
Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.    Enough is enough!
Hey, did you hear me talking to you?    What did I just finish telling you?
I'm not sleeping..... I'm just resting my eyes. Two wrongs dont make a right.
If I catch you doing that one more time......
I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here.
-----------------------------------------------------


Professional  hazards list

 Vocation                  Could be
 --------                  --------
 accountants               discounted
 banker                    disinterested,
 baseball players          debased
 bed makers                 debunked
 blackjack dealer          discarded
 bulldozer operators       degraded
 BVD company               debriefed
 cabinet member            disappointed
 cashier                   distilled
 chemist                   dissolutioned
 clergymen                 defrocked
 cowboys                   deranged
 criminal                  discharged
 detective                 dissolved
 drug addict               disjointed
 dry cleaners              depressed
 editor                    dispelled
 electricians              delighted
 a fiancé                  disengaged
 geologist                 dismantled
 Hamlet                    disdained
 hero                      discouraged
 inventor                  disingenuous
 ironing ladies            depleted
 jockey                    derided
 landscapers               deflowered
 laundry workers           decrease
 lawyer                    distorted/disbarred
 magician                  disillusioned
 map maker                 disoriented
 Marine drill sarge        disgruntled
 marriage counsellor        disavowed
 mathematician             disproven
 mathematician (2)         disintegrated
 medium                    dispirited
 meteorologist             disgusted
 mixologist                disbarred
 model                     deposed
 movie star                discredited
 musicians                 decompose
 Olympic skaters           disfigured
 organ donors              delivered,
 perfume maker             dissented
 piano players             denoted
 politicians               devoted.
 professional mover        dislocated
 prospector                disclaimed
 racehorse                 displaced
 residential developer     distracted
 road workers               disinclined
 rock musician             disbanded
 saint                     disgraced
 seamstress                dispatched
 singer                    discord
 software engineers        detested
 steel worker              distempered
 court judge               disrobed
 thespian                  displayed
 virologist                disinfected
 warlock                   disenchanted


-------------------------------
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
    walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age
     ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer have to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors now borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "what was that!"
You get money offered you from charity.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
    of  your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
    watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

----------------------------------------
Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
   decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
   to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
   mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
    beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
    take out 10% of the beans.
2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents
    of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
    Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
    their head office.
    Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
    already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
    of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
    their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
    their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
    behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
    have all of the answers.
4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to
    10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the
    bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and
    walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm
    on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
    drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am.
    Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until
    4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for
    5 years. Look cheerful.
5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
    onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
    stereo and leave it there all summer.        Stick your fingers in the
    flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.    Cover the stains with
    crayons. How does that look?
6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
    and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
    none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
    into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
    piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.     Last, take a milk
    container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make
    an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.    Congratulations, you have just
    qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
8. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out
    in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
    Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
    it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family
    size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a
    garden rake along both sides of the car. -  There!, Perfect!
9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
    front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down
    the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
    down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
    butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the
    way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
    until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
    house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
    walk.
10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
    find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
    intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
    week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
    everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish
    this do not even contemplate having children.
12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
    ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
    Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
    an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
    rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
    You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street
    and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.   When you find yourself singing "Mary
    had a little lamb" constantly and without embarrassment .......you
    finally qualify as a parent.

---------------------
Parental Observations

 - A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
 - A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
 - A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
 - A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
         the world have nothing to do with tyres.
 - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 - Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
 - Familiarity breeds children.
 - For adult education, nothing beats children.
 - God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
 - God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
 - Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
 - Having children will turn you into your parents.
 - If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a
      neighbor, that's coincidence.
 - If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and
      look comfortable.
 - Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
 - Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
 - It now costs more to amuse a child than it did to educate his father.
 - It rarely occurs to teenagers that one day they'll know as little as their
      parents.
 - Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 - Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
 - You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
 - School holidays is a time when parents realise that teachers are grossly
     underpaid.
 - The first sign of maturity is discovering that the volume knob also turns
     sound down.
 - There are three ways to get things done:
         1) do it yourself
         2) hire someone to do it
         3) forbid your kids to do it
 - There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to
keep the television set going.
 - Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
 - The best thing to spend on your children is time.

----------------------------------
Pipe Specifications list

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
    centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
    of different length than the pipe.
3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside diameter -
    otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
    or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
    applied at the job site. (Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted
    pipe. If available in your area this product is recommended as it will
    save a lot of time on the job site.)
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words ' long pipe' painted
    on each end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long pipe' painted
    in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length
    of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it
    so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite
    separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to
    specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the
    wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If
    you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong
    way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do
    not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
    pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.


-------------------------------


------------------------------------
Rules For Being Human

1) 	 You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire
period this time around.

2)  	You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life.
Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons.  You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant
and stupid.

3) 	There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation.  The
"failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the
experiment that ultimately "works".

4) 	 A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you
have learned it.  When you have learned it, you can then go
on to the next lesson.

5) 	 Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons.
If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) 	 "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain
another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7)  	Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person
unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about
yourself.

8)  	What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need.  What you do
with them is up to you.  The choice is yours.

9)  	Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you.  All you need
to do is look, listen, and trust.

10) 	 You will not know all this till it is too late......

-------------------------------


         Prison  V  Full-Time Job

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
  AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
  AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
  AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
  AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and open
            and close the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
  AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
  AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
  AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
  AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
            they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
  AT WORK...You spend most of your time outside wanting to get inside bars.
IN PRISON...You can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
  AT WORK...You are forced to join a program and leave only when you're told.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
  AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
  AT WORK...These are called supervisors.


------------------------


(These are neat....)

ODD FACTS?

1) The Hundred Years War lasted 116 years
2) Panama hats are made in Ecuador
3) Catgut is made from sheep and horses
4) The Russians celebrate the October Revolution in November
5) A camel's hair brush is made of Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after dogs (Latin "insularia
   canaria"" - Island of the dogs
7) King George VI's first name was Albert
8) The color of a purple finch is distinctively crimson
9) Chinese gooseberries are from New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?.........Oddly enough....30 years.
    From 1618 to 1648.
11) Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
    of arms for that reason.
12) The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
13) The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
    yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled
    on the ground floor and had worked out how to walk up the straight
    staircases.
14) The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end
    in an "A" is Afghanistan.
15) Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning
16) A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off
17) Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie
18) It's against the law to burp or sneeze in a church in Omaha, Nebraska
19) Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark
20) Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food
21) There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones
22) It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland
23) A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat
    your plate
24) The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump
25) More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed
    throughout the world
26) Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the
    name of any of the States in the USA
27) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
28) Nose prints can be used to identify dogs, just like humans use
    fingerprints
28) A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue
30) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave
31) Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right of left handed



-----------------------

 CHINESE YEAR CALENDAR
  ----------------------

    I have always been fascinated by the Chinese (years of the animal)
    calendar which I have found interesting and entertaining as no
    doubt many others have.    So I went searching and set up the
    following list from my searches.

    Any Chinese year invariably begins with the second new-moon day
    after their winter solstice. The Chinese New Year's day, therefore
    is movable just as Easter Day, which is also tributary of the moon
    and takes place somewhere between January 21st and February 20th
    according to astronomic circumstances.

    The Chinese zodiac is a cycle of twelve Chinese years placed under
    the signs of the twelve following symbolic animals: Rat, Buffalo (or
    Ox), Tiger, Cat (or Rabbit or Hare), Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat (or
    Sheep or Ram), Monkey, Rooster, Dog, Pig (or Boar).

    Chinese years also evolve in cycles of ten years each. Every set
    of two consecutive years is governed by a Chinese cosmic element.
    There are five elements in all: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water.

    It's your Chinese year of birth that determines your Chinese animal
    sign as well as your Chinese cosmic element. If you were born between
    21 January 1966 and 8 February 1967 that is, in the course of a Horse
    year, which was at the same time a Fire year your Chinese animal sign
    is Horse, and your Chinese cosmic element is Fire. In other words,
    you are known as a Fire Horse. Likewise, anyone born in an Earth
    Buffalo year is known as an Earth Buffalo.

    The following table shows the Chinese years and the corresponding
    animal signs as well as cosmic elements from 1880 AD to 2020 AD.

 *  Remember....the following three have "acceptable" other names....

            Cat,  is also known as the Rabbit and Hare
            Goat, is also known as the Sheep and Ram
            Boar, is also known as the Pig



   Sign     Dates      Year                       Element
   -------------------------------------------------------
   Rat    January 31,  1900 to February 18, 1901   Metal
   Ox     February 19, 1901 to February 7, 1902    Metal
   Tiger  February 8,  1902 to January 28, 1903    Water
   Cat    January 29,  1903 to February 15, 1904   Water
   Dragon February 16, 1904 to February 3, 1905    Wood
   Snake  February 4,  1905 to January 24, 1906    Wood
   Horse  January 25,  1906 to February 12, 1907   Fire
   Goat   February 13, 1907 to February 1, 1908    Fire
   Monkey February 2,  1908 to January 21, 1909    Earth
   Rooster January 22,  1909 to February 9, 1910    Earth
   Dog    February 10, 1910 to January 29, 1911    Metal
   Boar   January 30,  1911 to February 17, 1912   Metal
   Rat    February 18, 1912 to February 5, 1913    Water
   Ox     February 6,  1913 to January 25, 1914    Water
   Tiger  January 26,  1914 to February 13, 1915   Wood
   Cat    February 14, I915 to February 2, 1916    Wood
   Dragon February 3,  1916 to January 22, 1917    Fire
   Snake  January 23,  1917 to February 10, 1918   Fire
   Horse  February 11, 1918 to January 31, 1919    Earth
   Goat   February 1,  1919 to February 19, I920   Earth
   Monkey February 20, 1920 to February 7, 1921    Metal
   Rooster February 8,  1921 to January 27, 1922    Metal
   Dog    January 28,  1922 to February 15, 1923   Water
   Boar   February 16, 1923 to February 4, 1924    Water
   Rat    February 5,  1924 to January 24, 1925    Wood
   Ox     January 25,  1925 to February 12, 1926   Wood
   Tiger  February 13, 1926 to February 1, 1927    Fire
   Cat    February 2,  1927 to January 22, 1928    Fire
   Dragon January 23,  1928 to February 9, 1929    Earth
   Snake  February 10, 1929 to January 29, 1930    Earth
   Horse  January 30,  1930 to February 16, 1931   Metal
   Goat   February 17, 1931 to February 5, 1932    Metal
   Monkey February 6,  1932 to January 25, 1933    Water
   Rooster January 26,  1933 to February 13, 1934   Water
   Dog    February 14, 1934 to February 3, 1935    Wood
   Boar   February 4,  1935 to January 23, 1936    Wood
   Rat    January 24,  1936 to February 10, 1937   Fire
   Ox     February 11, 1937 to January 30, 1938    Fire
   Tiger  January 31,  1938 to February 18, 1939   Earth
   Cat    February 19, 1939 to February 7, 1940    Earth
   Dragon February 8,  1940 to January 26, 1941    Metal
   Snake  January 27,  1941 to February 14, 1942   Metal
   Horse  February 15, 1942 to February 4, 1943    Water
   Goat   February 3,  1943 to January 24, 1944    Water
   Monkey January 23,  1944 to February 12, 1945   Wood
   Rooster February 13, 1945 to February 1, 1946    Wood
   Dog    February 2,  1946 to January 21, 1947    Fire
   Boar   January 22,  1947 to February 9, 1948    Fire
   Rat    February 10, 1948 to January 28, 1949    Earth
   Ox     January 29,  1949 to February 16, 1950   Earth
   Tiger  February 17, 1950 to February 5, 195I    Metal
   Cat    February 6,  1951 to January 26, 1952    Metal
   Dragon January 27,  1952 to February 13, 1953   Water
   Snake  February 14, 1953 to February 2, 1954    Water
   Horse  February 3,  1954 to January 23, 1955    Wood
   Goat   January 24,  1955 to February 11, 1956   Wood
   Monkey February 12, 1956 to January 30, 1937    Fire
   Rooster January 31,  1957 to February 17, 1958   Fire
   Dog    February 18, 1958 to February 7, 1959    Earth
   Boar   February 8,  1959 to January 27, 1960    Earth
   Rat    January 28,  1960 to February 14, 1961   Metal
   Ox     February 15, 1961 to February 4, 1962    Metal
   Tiger  February 5,  1962 to January 24. 1963    Water
   Cat    January 25,  1963 to February 12, 1964   Water
   Dragon February 13, 1964 to February 1, 1965    Wood
   Snake  February 2,  1965 to January 20, 1966    Wood
   Horse  January 21,  1966 to February 8, 1967    Fire
   Goat   February 9 , 1967 to January 29, 1968    Fire
   Monkey January 30,  1968 to February 16, 1969   Earth
   Rooster February 17, 1969 to February 5, 1970    Earth
   Dog    February 6,  1970 to January 26, 1971    Metal
   Boar   January 27,  1971 to February 15, 1972   Metal
   Rat    February 16, 1972 to February 2, 1973    Water
   Ox     February 3,  1973 to January 22, 1974    Water
   Tiger  January 23,  1974 to February 10, 1975   Wood
   Cat    February 11, 1975 to January 30, 1976    Wood
   Dragon January 31,  1976 to February 17, 1977   Fire
   Snake  February 18, 1977 to February 6, 1978    Fire
   Horse  February 7,  1978 to January 27, 1979    Earth
   Goat   January 28,  1979 to February 15, 1980   Earth
   Monkey February 16, 1980 to February 4, 1981    Metal
   Rooster February 5,  1981 to January 24, 1982    Metal
   Dog    January 25,  1982 to February 12, 1983   Water
   Boar   February 13, 1983 to February 1, 1984    Water
   Rat    February 2,  1984 to February 19, 1985   Wood
   Ox     February 20, 1985 to February 8, 1986    Wood
   Tiger  February 9,  1986 to January 28, 1987    Fire
   Cat    January 29,  1987 to February 16, 1988   Fire
   Dragon February 17, 1988 to February 5, 1989    Earth
   Snake  February 6,  1989 to January 26, 1990    Earth
   Horse  January 27,  1990 to February 14, 1991   Metal
   Goat   February 15, I991 to February 3, 1992    Metal
   Monkey February 4,  1992 to January 22, 1993    Water
   Rooster January 23,  1993 to February 9, 1994    Water
   Dog    February l0, 1994 to January 30, 1995    Wood
   Boar   January 31,  1995 to February 18; 1996   Wood
   Rat    February 19, 1996 to February 6, 1997    Fire
   Ox     February 7,  1997 to January 27, 1998    Fire
   Tiger  January 28,  1998 to February 15, 1999   Earth
   Cat    February 16, 1999 to February 4, 2000    Earth
   Dragon February 5,  2000 to January 23, 2001    Metal
   Snake  January 24,  2001 to February 11, 2002   Metal
   Horse  February 12, 2002 to January 31, 2003    Water
   Goat   February 1,  2003 to January 21, 2004    Water
   Monkey January 22,  2004 to February 8, 2005    Wood
   Rooster February 9,  2005 to January 28, 2006    Wood
   Dog    January 29,  2006 to February 17, 2007   Fire
   Boar   February 18, 2007 to February 6, 2008    Fire



*  The following is a simplified description of each animal sign.

    Sign       Description
    ----------------------
    Rat        Essentially charming. Compassionate. Renowned for
               thrift and love of family, at times rather superficial.
    Ox         Calm, patient, studied character. Takes things slow,
               steady pace. At times rather dictatorial. Always industrious.
    Tiger      Very warm, loving. Independent minded. Pays scant
               regard for other's feelings while pursuing fun and freedom.
    Cat        Also know as the Rabbit. Very sensitive soul. Loves spending
               time at home. Although quiet and discreet, still ambitious.
               Self-indulgent.
    Dragon     Charismatic and colorful. Wants to be center of attention.
               Very arrogant.
    Snake      High moral principles, mostly when applied to other.
               Sophisticated and charming. More than meets the eye.
    Horse      Confident and proud. Prone to erratic behavior. Heart is in
               right place. Scatty.
    Goat       Sensitive, creative and multitalented. Eccentric.
               Much Fortitude. Loves to be loved, hates to be pushed.
    Monkey     Wily and cunning. Ignores regimented rules. Free spirit.
    Rooster    Brave and enthusiastic. Notoriously picky. Highly intelligent.
               Rarely has wool pulled over its eyes.
    Dog        Honest, loyal, sincere. Believes in justice for all. Fights
               for principles. Sometimes bad tempered, self-righteous.
    Boar       Will do anything for anybody. Model of sincerity and honor.
               Occasional fits of rage. Self-sacrificing and altruistic.


* According to the Chinese year calendar, certain signs are compatible
   with other signs BUT must be wary of others who are seen as opposites
   that apparently are not wise to mix with.


   Compatible and Opposite Sign Animals

    Animal            Compatible with         Opposite to
    ------------------------------------------------------
    Rat               Monkey, Dragon           Horse
    Ox                Rooster, Snake           Goat (Sheep, Ram)
    Tiger             Dog, Horse               Monkey
    Cat/Rabbit/Hare   Boar Pig, Sheep          Rooster, Rat
    Dragon            Rat, Monkey              Dog
    Snake             Rooster, Ox              Boar (Pig))
    Horse             Dog, Tiger               Rat
    Goat/Sheep/Ram    Boar, Cat (Rabbit,Hare)  Ox
    Monkey            Rat, Dragon              Tiger
    Rooster           Ox, Snake                Cat (Rabbit, Hare)
    Dog               Horse, Tiger             Dragon
    Boar/Pig          Goat(Sheep Ram)Rabbit    Snake


 * I could have included a lot more at the risk of looking like I was
     too serious about it......or of boring you to death even!


                           oooooOOOOooooo

   There's also the "TREE" signs - so............

                           Which Tree Are You
                           ------------------

  December 23 to January 1 ............ Apple Tree
  January 2 to January 11 ............. Fir Tree
  January 12 to January 24 ............ Elm Tree
  January 25 to February 3 ............ Cypress Tree
  February 4 to February 8 ............ Poplar Tree
  February 9 to February 18 ........... Cedar Tree
  February 19 to February 28 .......... Pine Tree
  March 1 to March 10 ................. Weeping Willow Tree
  March 11 to March 20 ................ Lime Tree
  March 21 ............................ Oak Tree
  March 22 to March 31 ................ Hazelnut Tree
  April 1 to April 10 ................. Rowan Tree
  April 11 to April 20 ................ Maple Tree
  April 21 to April 30 ................ Walnut Tree
  May 1 to May 14 ..................... Poplar Tree
  May 15 to May 24 .................... Chestnut Tree
  May 25 to June 3 .................... Ash Tree
  June 4 to June 13 ................... Hornbeam Tree
  June 14 to June 23 .................. Fig Tree
  June 24 ............................. Birch Tree
  June 25 to July 4 ................... Apple Tree
  July 5 to July 14 ................... Fir Tree
  July 15 to July 25 .................. Elm Tree
  July 26 to August 4 ................. Cypress Tree
  August 5 to August 13 ............... Poplar Tree
  August 14 to August 23 .............. Cedar Tree
  August 24 to September 2 ............ Pine Tree
  September 3 to September 12 ......... Weeping Willow Tree
  September 13 to September 22 ........ Lime Tree
  September 23 ........................ Olive Tree
  September 24 to October 3 ........... Hazelnut Tree
  October 4 to October 13 ............. Rowan Tree
  October 14 to October 23 ............ Maple Tree
  October 24 to November 11 ........... Walnut Tree
  November 12 to November 21 .......... Chestnut Tree
  November 22 to December 1 ........... Ash Tree
  December 2 to December 11 ........... Hornbeam Tree
  December 12 to December 21 .......... Fig Tree
  December 22 ......................... Beech Tree

* Apple Tree, the Love
 Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant  aura,
 flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love  and
 be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents,
 lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

* Fir Tree, the Mysterious
 Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful,
 moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those  close to  it,
 rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover,
 many friends, many foes, very reliable.

* Elm Tree, the Noble-Mindedness
 Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive
 mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful
 partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others,
 noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

* Cypress, the Faithfulness
 Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content,
 optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness,
 passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered,
 unruly, pedantic and careless.

* Poplar, the Uncertainty
 Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if
 necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often
 lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to
 philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.

* Cedar, the Confidence
 Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not
 in  the least shy ,tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined,
 impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy
 optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

* Pine Tree, the Particularity
 Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life  comfortable,
 very attractive, natural, good companion but seldom friendly, falls easily
 in love but its passion burns out quickly, many disappointments till it
 finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

* Weeping Willow, the Melancholy
 Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything
 beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious,
 honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good
 intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

* Lime Tree, the Doubt
 Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and
 labor, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices
 for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom,
 often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.

* Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary
 Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression,
 active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest
  and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

* Rowan, the Sensitive
 Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention,
 loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and
 independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company,
 does not forgive.

* Maple, Independence of Mind
 No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved,
 ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes
 nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life,
 wants to impress.

* Walnut Tree, the Passion
 Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive,
 noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition,
 no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often
 admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

* Chestnut Tree, the Honesty
 Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice,
 vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in
 company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes  superior,
 feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

* Ash Tree, the Ambition
 Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
 criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate,
 can be egoistic, very reliable and trust- worthy, faithful and prudent lover,
 sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

* Hornbeam, the good taste
 Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to
 egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined
 life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of
 unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people,
 is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

* Fig Tree, the Sensibility
 Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or
 arguments, loves life, its family as well as children and animals, a bit of
 a butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical
 talent and intelligence.

* Oak, robust nature
 Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love
 changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

* Birch, the Inspiration
 Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
 like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm,
 not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm
 and content atmosphere.

* Olive Tree, the Wisdom
 Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression
 and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice,
 sensitive, empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company  of
 sophisticated people.

* Beech, the Creative
 Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization
 of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
 reasonable, a splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets,
 sports etc.).

                                oooooOOOOooooo


Star Signs

We mustn't forget the western world star signs while we're at it.
The following info is accurate 1% of the time....................

AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot
and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes
over and over.            Everyone thinks you're a dead shit.
PISCES
You have a vivid imagination and often think you're being followed by the CIA.
You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting
your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a derro.
                 Pisces people screw things up and scratch their arse a lot.
ARIES
You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you
regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take
well to advice.        You are a definite goose.
TAURUS
You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work like
crazy. Most people think that you're a pig headed shit.
                        You're probably a full on  communist.
GEMINI
You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are a
crawler. You are also a cheap bastard, expecting everything for nothing.
                       Gemini's are notorious for thriving on bullshit.
CANCER
You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp.
You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be
on welfare.             Cancerians will never be worth a shit.
LEO
Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy.
Most Leo's are bullies. They are thick arseholes who break down under
honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
                Leo People are thieving bastards who kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO
You are the logical type and detest disorder. This shitpicking makes your
friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during sex.
                      Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA
Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic
type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are
probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores.
                          All Librans die of V. D.
SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect
Son of a hairy Bitch.          Most Scorpio people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on
luck since you have no talent. People laugh at you a lot because you
 are always screwing things up.
                             Most Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads.
CAPRICORN
you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are a basic chicken
shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
                             You should kill yourself.

--------------------------------------


Blind Dates

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing
to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls who they describe
as "perfect for you". And the description given makes it very
difficult to imagine what these girls may be like.

After considerable research and  as a public service, I have
attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into
plain English so the unsuspecting bachelor can be much better
informed:

good house keeper: She's been married three times and kept all
the houses - fine character: She's ugly
knows how to handle money: She'll be great at spending yours
spotless reputation: She's ugly
strong family ties: Her parents are Italian
loves children: She's pregnant and needs a husband
wonderful personality: She's fat
great sense of humor: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
the outdoor type: She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves
ready to settle down: She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and
  dying to marry
likes to have a good time: She gets drunk a lot
lots of fun at parties: Often makes a fool of herself
mature woman: She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
looks like a school girl: She's at least thirty-three, but still
 wears a mini
casual: She dresses like a slob
decorated her own unit: Her place resembles a pig sty
a great dancer: She doesn't care whose feet she steps on
not overly emotional: She only cries at the drop of a hat
doesn't chase men: She's more a mousetrap or a black widow
  spider type.
seldom dates: She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for some
  reason
understands men: She's been married and divorced four times
a good sport: She knows a thousand jokes and can drink you under
  the table
looks and dresses like a model: She's 1.8metres and weighs 65 kilos
been in show business: She was once a tour guide
traveled a lot: She's searched high and low for a husband
knows a lot of interesting people: None of whom would marry her
wonderful disposition: She's ugly

                            ooooooOOOOOOoooooo


                            Universal Laws List

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease
   your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
   accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
   proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
   busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
   you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
   were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
   every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
   rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
   increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
    won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
    to the reach.

11. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
    the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
    will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
    they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
    of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
    the newness, colour and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
    you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
    they will stop making it.


                            ooooooOOOOOOoooooo

©Ted Middleton 2001.

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