There are so many lists either around or begging compilation
    that its seems OK to start a second chapter of LISTS.
          And having been a participant of the industry, this next one
    seems surprisingly late for me to bring forward:

      Real Estate Terms and what they mean
                                          (by Ted)

A Corker - You'll need something to drink when you've seen this
All the Creature Comforts - The cockroaches are happy
Amongst the flowers - A real "B" of a house
And the list goes on - Cant think of anything else to say
Architectural Intrigue - Condemned
A Touch of Tuscany - The house is ramshackle
Authentic Workers Cottage - For the hyperactive handyman
Back To Nature - For people in extreme denial
Bargain Basement - The foundations have subsided
Be At One With Nature - Its a burial plot
Beat This - You couldn't make it any worse
Beautifully Maintained - Lawns mowed by Elle McPherson
Big Bold and Beautiful - There's a photo of "Xena" on the wall
Bird lovers Paradise - The neighbors have a deranged parrot
Blue Chip Investment - For the brave gambler
Boasts Many Extras - The owner exaggerates
Casual Entertainment area - The carport has a roof
Charming - Snake infested
Cheap, cheap, cheap!- The owner has chickens
City views - Free photograph of downtown
Close to Conveniences - Public toilets nearby
Close to Lakes - Impossible to park near after rain
Close to Town - Usually the next town
Close to Transport - Backs onto railway line
Colonial - Built like a jail
Contemporary Feeling - Haunted
Convenient - Next to a freeway off ramp
Cosy - Cramped interior
Country Residence - No flyscreens or door locks
Crazy Price - The owner is a psychopath
Cute - another word for "small"
Deceptively Spacious - Bigger on the inside than the outside!
Decidedly Different - Not built to approved standards
Dramatically Reduced - Partly demolished
Dress Circle - In a single mothers area
Easy To Access Kitchen - In a Meals on Wheels area
Entertain In Style - Close to a restaurant
Ex Church - God Himself abandoned it
Exclusive Design - Not built to approved plan
Ex Display - The builder is bankrupt
Executive Style - Resembles an office block
Exposed Beams - The plaster fell off
Fabulous Deck - The owner plays cards
Federation Style - Warped
Find of the year - Recently mowed
Fisherman's Paradise - Floods regularly
For the Young at Heart - Untidy!
Free flowing kitchen - The taps leak
Fully Renovated - Carpets just vacuumed
Gentle slope - Four wheel drive country
Great Investment - Soaks up cash
Great Outlook - The "inlook" is not so great
Handy Location - Backs onto a highway
Handyman's Delight - House has been condemned
Hard to find - No street number displayed
Hidden Beauty - Ugly
High above the Rest - There is no garbage collection
Hot Deal - The house is still smouldering
Ideal for Retirees - Next door to funeral parlour
Ideal For the Whole Family - Yard will accommodate a tent
Ideal Horse Property - Not fit for humans
Ideal Weekender - Its a pig sty
Ill health forces sale - Maintenance is killing the present owner
In a Class By Itself - see "Hidden Beauty"
In Great Demand - See "Sought After"
Investor Wanted - Sent the last owner broke
Landscaped - The weeds are winning
Leafy Outlook - See "Tree Studded"
Lets Talk Turkey - (You're the turkey!)
Light and airy - Has holes in the walls
Little Gem - Cramped and "rocks"!
Little ripper - Cramped and incredibly fragile
Brick on Acreage - There's a brick on the block
**Highset Brick on Acreage - There's a brick on top of the first brick!
Lush Grasses - Its a bog
Magical - It rains and the house disappears
Magnificent Position - Its still standing
Make Money Here - Purchaser gets free colour photocopier
Matchless Quality - Flame resistant driveway
Match This... - Suitable for firebugs
Mediterranean Style - It goes under at high tide
Mint condition - scented bush on neighbors block
Monster Bedrooms - Accommodates children
Motivated Seller - see "Owners bags are packed"
Mountin' Views - Free photograph of cowboy
Much Sought After - Rates not paid and bank is about to foreclose
Multilevel Home - In various stages of collapse
Natural Look - See "Tree Studded"
Nature Abounds - Infested with fleas
Natures Wonderland - Infested with fleas and cockroaches
Neat as a pin - No point looking
Needs TLC - Has major structural damage
New Roof - Neighbour has new dog
Neutral Decor - Paint has peeled off
"No Reserve Auction" - Nowhere near a park
Nothing Comes Close - No public transport
Nothing to do - Suit lazy people
Nothing to spend - The owner went broke
Ocean views - Has photograph of beach
Old World Charm - Has woodwork, its draughty and needs a good scrub
Once in a lifetime offer - Owned by marriage celebrant
On Golden Pond - The septic tank leaks
Open Plan - The front door wont close
Original - In disrepair
Outstanding - Built too close to the road
Owner Liquidates - The owner is an alcoholic
Owner says sell - Before that he said "dont sell" (?)
Owners Bags Are Packed - Owner desperate to escape
Panoramic Views - In a hollow
Peace and Serenity - Opposite a cemetery
Picturesque setting - Abandoned cars in front yard
Potential plus - The lawns need mowing
Priced to Please - The asking price pleases the owner
Private and Peaceful - Situated near a desert
Professionally Landscaped - There's a pumpkin vine amongst the weeds
Quaint - another word for "ugly"
Queen Sized Bedroom -  Not for heterosexuals
Queenslander - Its a fire trap
Ranch style - Looks like a barn
Ready to move-in  - Front door missing
Reduced - The home is part demolished
Relaxed Lifestyle - Grows marihuana
Resort Living - The owners have resorted to living elsewhere
Room for a truck - House has just been hit by a truck
Run Down Farmhouse - House has just been hit by a tourist bus
Rural Atmosphere - Desolate surrounds
Rustic - The house has a steel frame
Sacrifice - (Refers to price you will pay)
Security System - The Chihuahua stays
See the Potential - The front door wont close
Seize The Opportunity - Run for your life!
Sell due to Ill Health - The house is sick
Sets the mood for entertaining - Once hosted a Tupperware party
Shattered Dreams - The owner realises its a lemon
Sleepy Atmosphere - The morning paper is delivered after lunch
Solidly Constructed - The builder was overweight
Sophisticated City Living - Situated next to a pub
Sound Condition - Neighbours dog wont stop barking
Something Different - Doesn't look like a house
Sought after location - See "Hard to Find"
Space for Grandparents - Approved gravesites in backyard
Splish Splash - Roof leaks
State of The Art Security - There's a portrait of a dog in the toilet
Stunning Brick - Owner is armed with a brick
Stunning Views - Owner has a blue movie
Suit First Home Buyer - For the unwary
Suit Truckie - The Home is suitable for truck storage
Sunken Lounge - Unstable foundations
Sweeping views - Covered in cobwebs
Teenagers Retreat - The yard is fenced
The address speaks for itself - The house is haunted
The Bounty of Nature - Covered with cow paddies
They Dont Build Them Like This Anymore - Thank goodness!
This is a Blast - Built over an old ammunition dump
Timeless Elegance - The house is derelict
Total Privacy - See "Hard to Find"
Tree Studded - A Jungle
Two Storey - This and the real storey
Ultimate lifestyle - Electricity is available
Unbeatable Combination - The owner likes Chinese food
Unbeatable Price - There is nothing dearer
Unbelievable - You'll need imagination to buy it
Under Instructions From the Mortgagee In Possession - Its for sale
Undulating - Ideal for absailing
Unmatched - Never been on fire
Unprecedented Luxury - Has two toilets
Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows
Vendor committed - The owner has been locked up
Vendor Liquidates - The owner is an alcoholic
Vendor reluctant to sell - He has a conscience
Waterfront - Floods regularly
Where Eagles Fly - Covered in bird droppings
You'll Be Carried Away With This - Has a mozzie problem
You'll be stunned - Owner has a cattle prod
Walk to Everything - Suit people who can walk
Will Take Your Breath Away - It really stinks
Wont Last - Beyond repair.


     (lovers of words,,,you can  tune a piano, 
  but you can't tuna fish or I  wondered why the baseball 
  was   getting bigger... and then it hit me.etc.)

To write with a broken pencil is  pointless.

When fish are in schools they  sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole  a calendar got twelve months.

When the  smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The  professor discovered that her theory of  earthquakes was on 
   shaky ground.

The  batteries were given out free of  charge.

A dentist and a manicurist  married. They fought tooth and nail.

A  will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay  your exorcist you can get  repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a  new name and a dress.

Show me a piano  falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you  
   A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your  debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area  Network in Australia : The LAN down  under.

A boiled egg, is hard to  beat.

When you've seen one shopping  center you've seen a mall.

Police were  called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting 
   a rest.

Did you hear about the  fellow whose whole left side was cut off?  
   He's all right now.

If you take a  laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it  is two tired.

In a democracy it's your  vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your 
   Count that votes.

When a clock  is hungry it goes back four seconds

The  guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was  fully recovered.

He had a photographic  memory which was never developed.

Those  who get too big for their britches will be  exposed in the end.

When she saw her  first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd  dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well  done.


                 MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
   1.  If the enemy is in range, so are you.
   2.  Incoming fire has the right of way.
   3.  Try not to look conspicuous.
   4.  There is always a way.
   5.  The easy way is always mined.
   6.  Try to look unimportant.
   7.  Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
   8.  The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
        a.  when you're ready for them.
        b.  when you're not ready for them.
   9.  Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10.  If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  11.  The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12.  A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13.  If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  14.  Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15.  Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16.  Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get
  17.  Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18.  If you're short of everything but're in a combat zone.
  19.  When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20.  Never forget that your weapon is manufactured by the lowest bidder.


This is a version of the old spoof:

                        " The twelve days of Christmas"

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,
        I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
    in a pear tree.

    What a thoroughly delightful gift.

    I couldn't have been more surprised.  You're an angel.

With all my love and devotion,



Miss Agnes McHolstein
Dec. 15, 1986

        Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine
        those Two turtle doves.  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful

    They are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,



Dec. 16, 1986

Dearest Frederick,
        Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one?  Now I really must protest.
    I don't deserve such generosity as Three French hens.

    They are just darling but I must've been too kind.




Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Frederick,
        Today the postman delivered four calling birds.

     Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?

     Aren't you being a little too romantic.




Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,
        What a surprise!  The postman just delivered the Five golden rings;
     one for every finger.

     You're just impossible, but I love it.

     Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get to me.

All my love,



Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,
        I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto
    the front porch and there were Six geese a laying at my front steps.

    So you're back to the birds again.

    Those geese are huge. Wherever will I keep them?

    The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

    I love your thoughtfulness, but...please stop!




Dec. 20, 1986

        What's with you and those blasted birds??

    Today I received Seven swans a swimming.  What kind of a joke is this?
    These birds crapped all over the house and they never stop their

    I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.

    Knock it off, OK?



Dec. 21, 1986

Listen here,

        I think I prefer the birds to this torture.  What the hell am I
    going to do with Eight maids a milking?  It's not enough with all those
    birds and eight maids to feed, but they had to bring their damn cows
    along with them!

    There is manure all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house.

Just cut it out smart-guy!



Dec. 22, 1986

Listen to me you ,

        What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now I've got Nine pipers
    playing .......and lord do they play!  They haven't stopped chasing
    those maids since they've arrived this morning either.

    The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the birds.

    What the hell am I going to do??

    The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

You'll get yours you bastard,


Dec.  23, 1986

Listen you moron,

        You rotten, tasteless bastard,,,,,,,,,, who in hell needs Ten
        ladies dancing for God's sake?

     I can't imagine why I call these little tramps ladies anyway, because

     they've been up messing with the nine pipers all night long.

     Now the cows can't sleep and all the bloody racket around here has
     given them diarrhea.  My living room is a river of manure!

     The local council inspector has asked me to show cause why the
     building should not be condemned!

     I'm sicking the police on you, pal!

And I mean it!


Dec. 24, 1986

You callous bastard .

     What's with the Eleven lords a leaping.

     As if I haven't got enough on my hands with those over sexed ladies.

     Now I know why they call them leaping lords!!

     Those trollops that call themselves ladies dont seem to mind all the
     extra leaping and the maids have given away milking and joined in.

     Some of these women would get into the Guinness Book of Records and my
     fear is they may need some time to fully recover from their ordeal.

     The pipers appear to have grown tired, but are starting to eye the

     All 23 birds are dead......most were trampled to death in the orgy
     and the rest drowned in the deep shit your shit machine cows caused.

     I hope you're satisfied, you thoughtless idiot.


Law Offices
Badger, Render & Caycole
C/- "The Courthouse"
303 Riflerange Road
Chicago, ILL.

December 26, 1986

    Dear Sir,

      We act as Powers of Attorney for Ms. Agnes McHolstein in the
      matter of she - you - men - rings - ducks and assorted other birds.

        This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve fiddlers fiddling
   which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

        We briefly inform you, that in addition to our clients daily
   written reports detailing the fate of all the birds, the pipers playing
   and leaping lords were finally subdued by tranquillizer darts and the
   fiddlers were found work with a symphony orchestra, before they too
   became demonic.

        Unfortunately the unattended and heavily in milk cows stampeded off
   the property, knocking down the pear tree containing the sole surviving
   bird therein, ie. a partridge - along with the front picket fence and
   neat wooden letterbox.

        Prior to this the electric company had cut off the power and the
   inhabitants resorted to candles for light and fire for cooking. No wood
   deliveries were able to be arranged at such late time before Christmas
   and untrained careless cooking practices resulted.

      As you are no doubt aware, the destruction of her property was

      You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should
   be cleared through this office, for I feel compelled to warn you that if
   you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happydale Private
   Hospital, the attendants of that recommended mental institution have
   instructions to shoot you on sight for the sake of our distraught
   client's mental health and stability.

       With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

          Season's Greetings,

          J. Frank Caycole


More Sayings....

  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.


          A "MAKES SENSE" LIST

1.   A day without the sun  is like night.

2. On the other hand... you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Think you are normal...
   Remember, half the people you know are below
    average and the other half are above average...
              Hard to fit in isn't it!

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
      mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most
      people have.

10. A clear   conscience is usually the sign of a bad

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis.... raise
       my hand.

14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're
        probably in   the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
       off  immediately.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
        jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person....
        wondering 'What the heck   happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
         would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
     people appear bright until you hear them speak.


              Some responses to offensive & insulting people

1. The fact that no one understands you doesnít mean youíre an artist.
2. I donít know what your problem is, but Iíll bet itís hard to pronounce.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just donít care.
5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
6. Iím not being rude. Youíre just insignificant.
7. Iím already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. Itís a thankless job, but Iíve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
10. How about never? Is never good for you?
11. Iím really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
12. You sound reasonableÖTime to up my medication.
13. Iíll try being nicer if youíll try being smarter.
14. Iím out of my mind, but feel free to leave a messageÖ
15. It might look like Iím doing nothing, but at the cellular level Iím really quite busy.
16. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
17. I see youíve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
18. Someday, weíll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
19. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
20. Sorry, I canít hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
21. This Man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
22.  He has a room-temperature IQ.
e     A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
t     He fits in like a pork chop at a Jewish wedding.
c    A prime candidate for natural deselection and as bright as Alaska in December.
.     Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
e     If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
t    Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
c    Men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
.   I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brains were on fire
      Every time you open your mouth, your IQ drops
      Does stupidity run in your family?
      Did your parents have any normal children
      My comments may be too complicated for your under developed simple mind to comprehend.
      Bring a friend - if you have one.
      A modest person.... with much to be modest about.
      Thank you for sending me a copy of your opinions; I'll waste no time reading them.
       I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here
       You have no enemies, but you're intensely disliked by your friends
       I've just learned about your illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
       You are a self-made man and you worship your creator
       You love nature... in spite of what it did to you?
       His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
       Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go
45.  He uses statistics as a drunken man uses a lamp-post - for support rather than illumination


      (This is a well done "spoof" list)

    Corporate Restructuring at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about
whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North
Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of
the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited.

I am pleased to inform you and that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies,
in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load"
was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out
of context at a time of year when he is known to be under Executive

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

* The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundance that is simple but not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked for.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appears to be in order.

The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection  procedures by personnel  will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the lookgooders of equality. A male/female balance in their
numbers is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

We have deliberately skipped any reference to nine as a token of our
denial of rumours that this committee was ever dressed up to or dined
anywhere near to that number

The lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work politicians.  While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant  because
we expect an oversupply of unemployed politicians this year.

Eleven pipers piping AND twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop the
bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl animals,
and other expenses.   Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers suing"):
                       Action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should this happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the economical number advisable!.


            From this list, you too can sound Politically Correct.

To make a phrase, choose a word from the first column,
followed by a word from the second column, followed by a
word from the third column.

1                   2                   3
global              out-of-body         bondage
socio-              patriarchal         nuances
indigenous          upper-class         flashbacks
retro-active        gender-neutral      war veterans
extrasensory       Darwinian           fundamentalists
large-scale         feminine            bliss
quasi-              get-rich            skinheads
random              hierarchical        beauty
intrinsic           racist              oneness
yuppie              homophobic          oppression
grunge              Uni                 hate-crimes
widespread          utopian             hallucinations
ultra-              scientific          empowerment
third-generation    co-dependent        orientation
semi-               mystical            slavery
universal           ethnically balanced  self-actualization
systematic          Christianised       tolerance
hyper-              western             nirvana
neo-                stereotypical       democrats
cultural            soul                Madonna fans
mythical            communal            government
Freudian            computerised        virtual reality
new age             tattooed             earth tones


Some favorites:

yuppie communal Madonna fans
Freudian co-dependent virtual reality
mythical gender-neutral skinheads
hyper- Christianized nirvana

No one will really know what you're talking about, but then.....who listens!


            This is a pretty comprehensive compiled list of pranks

                      PLEASE note disclaimer at the end.

A List Of Useful Pranks For
Those Appropriate Occasions

index:   Rigged Door
         Food & Restaurant
         Dorm Room
         Tape & Movie
         New Employee


Rigged Door Pranks

Balance a nearly full bucket of water against someone's door at night. When
they  open it the next morning it will fall and flood their room.  Even
better against elevator doors.

Remove someone's doorknob and reinstall it with the lock on the inside.
Works best if the victim is in the room and the door is locked and you
have his/her keys.

If the victim has a recessed door, fill the area flush with the wall
(perhaps with drywall) and paint to match the wall. Victim returns to a
wall where the door  used to be.

Place clear tape across the outside of a door from top to bottom.
Frequently people will run into it, especially if they are in a hurry.

If the door is metal and has a metal frame, weld the person into (or out
of) their room. Can be done to the hinges as well if there is no metal

Steal a person's door. Leave a trail of clue's as to where to find it.
Have them  running all  over the place  trying to find it and  have them
end up somewhere near where they started (like in the next room).

Jam so many pennies between the door and the door frame that the person
cannot turn the doorknob to get out. Even better if the pennies are
superglued in place to prevent removal.   Also you may wish to put Vaseline
on the inside doorknob to prevent them from being able to turn the knob.

Place "Bang-Snaps" in precarious positions on a door so that they will
drop and explode when the door is opened. such as balanced on the doorknob)

Brick up the entrances to a building at night before anyone arrives.

Reverse the peephole on peoples door.    Allows for some interesting spying
since very few people actually check this part of the door.


Mail Pranks

Send in subscriptions to embarrassing magazines in the victim's name. Make
sure to check "Bill Me."

Send off a request in the victims name to numerous foreign postage stamp
bureaus  requesting ordering information, to be put on mailing lists, etc.
The response is quite astounding.

Get change of address cards from the post office and change the victim's
address  to someplace like Guam.


Camping Pranks

Bury someone's hatchet or axe in a tree about 20 feet off the ground and
in plain  sight.

Snipe Hunts. 'Nuff Said.

Spray someone's tent with some aerosol based bug spray.
This will erode the waterproofing of the tent.


Toilet Pranks

Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl but under the seat. Works best
at parties where a large percentage of the people are drunk.

Place a small tube in one of the water holes with the other end pointed
outward at the victim. When flushed results in an impromptu shower.

Flush waterproofed cherry bombs or M-80's down public toilets. Explosives
in Port-O-Potty's can be fun too.

Place Vaseline (or some other reasonably clear gel) on the seat at night.
Listen  for the screams.     ICY-HOT or Atomic Balm are even better.
Also put the stuff on the toilet paper.

Shoe Polish of the appropriate color on the seat.

Place several packages of clear gelatin in the toilet of someone who
will not be around for several days. Looks like water and is harder to
detect than  the cellophane on the lid.  For a more instant effect, there
is a substance avail label at most magic supply stores called anhydrous
sodium poly-acrylate which holds up to 300 times its weight in water.
Doesn't take much to turn a toilet solid or someone's drink, or...

Rig an outhouse to have some explosive buried in the hole, and the trigger
to  the toilet seat. The victim will have a great time trying to clean
that off.

Place a candle a little below the seat and off to the side. Methane lights
up quite nicely.


Food & Restaurant Pranks

Convince the person that they have eaten a piece of food that has been
soiled by some bodily function. Have fake "evidence" (or real evidence if
you really are cruel) to back up your claim such as pictures.

Give your name as Pupupu to a maitre-de. When he calls you to your table
you will hear, "Pu-pu-pu Party of four..."

Same thing but give your name as Connie Lingus, Dick Hertz, Harry Colon,

Freeze glasses to trays in the cafeteria.   This can be accomplished by
smearing the bottom of the glass with honey and sticking it firmly to the
tray. Next fill the glass with ice, water and salt to lower the temperature.
After a few minutes  the honey should be frozen to both the tray and the

Glue glasses in a cafeteria to the bottom of a table.

Dribble glass. Need I say more?

Put pure crystallized caffeine in someone's coffee pot.     This will make
espresso look like milk.

Get some of the tracer pills that turn urine blue, or some other
interesting color. Crush and slip it into some food. The victim will be
peeing blue for 2-3 days afterwards, though the pills themselves are just
dye and are completely harmless.

Bake brownies or cookies and substitute Ex-Lax for part of the chocolate.
Use some chocolate to keep the taste right.

Rig the lid of salt shakers to fail when used, resulting in a veritable
salt lick on the victim's food.


Uni Room Pranks

Fill an accordion folder with shaving cream, insert under someone's door
and stomp on it to send large amounts of shaving cream into their room with
out ever opening the door. Also can be done with a fine powder (Talcum
powder works nicely) in a bag with a hole in the bottom. Slip the open end
under the door, stick a hair dryer in the hole and the room gets a nice
sugar coating.

Flood the floor of a room and open the window during a very cold night when
the occupants won't be returning for a while. Also good in public bathrooms.

Purchase several hundred crickets from the local pet store and release them
everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Crickets are quite noisy and should
result in a few sleepless nights.

Place raw eggs under the person's pillow or comforter or somewhere else
that is bulky enough that the eggs won't be noticed until after they have
been crushed. This is lots of fun to clean up after...

Fill a person's room while they are out with massive quantities of crumpled
up newspaper. This takes a fair bit of planning, a lot of paper and a small
room but  can have good results.


Showering Pranks

Put Nair or some other hair removal chemical in a person's shampoo or
conditioner. You may need to distract the person for a moment to let the
stuff take a better hold.

Fill the shower head with dry temper paint, onion salt, Easter egg pellets,
or the like. Lifesavers are great since they dissolve and then reform on
the victim.  The victim will feel sticky afterwards and of course the
solution to that is to take another shower...

On a cubicle where the door reaches the floor, seal the door shut and fill
the cubicle with water. You may wish to introduce marine life.

Flush toilets while a person showers. The more toilets the better.

Swipe a person's clothes while they are showering. Put them in an
embarrassing place such as the showers for people of the opposite sex.

Glue the lids to people's shampoo shut. They get all wet and doors on your
hall and swap them with other doors from around the hall.

Cover a person's door with butcher paper and fill the space between the
door and  the wall with confetti, peanuts, etc.

Attach a remote control to the fire alarm in a room and set it off from a
safe distance. Watch the victim(s) panic.    When the panic subsides, do
it again. And again. And ... well, you get the picture.


Body Pranks

Hold a magnifying glass over someone who is sunbathing. Be prepared to run
shortly after you do this.

Place Icy-Hot, Atomic Balm, or the like in someone's jock or underwear.
Warning!        This results in screaming in the most macho of guys.

Wave microwaved mayonnaise under the nose of a person who is drunk and
feeling queasy. Alternately start asking questions such as, "Would you
like a cold greasy pork chop? How about an earthworm omelet?..."

Get some silver nitrate which has the odd effect of turning skin a blackish
purple.       Be creative.

Write all sorts of nasty messages in permanent marker on a persons body
while they are asleep or passed out drunk. Put them in hard to cover up


Classroom Pranks

Sucker freshmen into walking too close to an active Van-De-Graff generator.

Superglue EVERYTHING in a classroom down. Chairs, chalk, books, whatever.
Don't be choosy.

When a teacher leaves the room, have everyone turn every desk and chair
upside down. When the teacher returns be sitting on your chairs working as
if nothing had happened.

When dissecting animals, take the liver (or some other brown organ) and
place it  in the instructor's coffee. Place parts from your dissection in
various places around a cafeteria salad bar.


Tapes & Movie Pranks

Crack open someone's audio cassettes and flip the tape over so that what
comes out is pure gibberish.

Rent porn tapes from the video store and record something like Barney or
the Wizard of Oz over them. Just imagine the next person who gets them.
Better yet, do it the other way around or exchange the tape in their
respective cases. (they aren't likely to check)


Miscellaneous Pranks

When you see several folks relaxing in a hot tub, throw ice cubes into the
tub.   They'll wonder who's throwing stuff at them, but the cubes melt
almost instantly  leaving no evidence or clues as to who is doing it.

Release large numbers of pigeons into a gymnasium or lecture hall. Young
pigs in  the hallway are good too. Even better if they (pigeons or pigs)
have been fed laxatives.

Release a chicken or similar noisy, relatively light animal between a
dropped ceiling (the ones with the tiles) and the actual ceiling. They are
tough  enough to catch on normal ground.

During the part of a wedding when the minister/priest/etc asks "speak up
now or forever hold your peace," send a small child running up the isle
yelling "Daddy,  daddy."

Superglue several quarters to a flat surface such as a bench or floor and
watch people try to remove them.

Get some cones or barrels and divert traffic from a nearby street.

Advertise your principal's or boss's job in the local paper.

Flour on top of the blades of ceiling fans.

Throw those fake foam rocks which are available at novelty stores at
someone. Works best when around real rocks such as in a geology class or

Be obnoxious as possible while loudly speaking another language......
(German, French,  or whatever). When you hear someone mutter something
like, "I wish they would shut up," respond appropriately in perfect

Start quasi-political parties in school for the sole purpose of being
obnoxious,  meaning you don't really have anything meaningful to say.
Make emblems and post  them on everything in sight, march around spewing
meaningless propaganda.

Hire a stripper to appear in a high traffic area, such as a cafeteria
during peak hours.

Fill several vending machines in a high traffic area with condoms and beer

Take some soup or stew in a plastic bag.   Pretend to toss your cookies,
depositing the substance on the floor or table. Have a buddy look over and
say, "Hey that  looks good," and eat a piece of meat or veggies. May result
in others nearby losing their lunch as well.

Put every single chair from a large building in one room. The smaller the
room the better. Also good near the entrance to a building.

Fill someone's umbrella with confetti, wait until a rainy day and enjoy.

Leave insect egg cases/clusters in inaccessible areas.

Hand the principal/headmaster some small item when getting your diploma.
Marbles, balloons, condoms, coins etc. Works best if everyone does it.


Computer Pranks (for those literate in that sphere)

Change the prompt on someone's computer to be black on black. This is rather
cruel if the person is computer illiterate. Very effective the day before a
big project is due.

It is possible to play sounds remotely on some workstations........(Sun
Sparc Stations for instance). You can have all kinds of fun playing sounds
like flushing toilets  and other unusual sounds.  Works best if the person
is a relative newbie.

Run a XXX GIF slide show on the overhead computer projectors found in many
computer rooms and large lecture halls. Very effective if done before a
large class.

You may wish to superglue the drive doors shut as well as all the relevant
power  switches in the "on" position and the power cables to the wall and
hide the key board.

Write a small program that prints "Formatting C:" and starts printing a
series of dots at intervals afterwards.      Simulate disk access by
continuously creating and  deleting an empty text file.

Write a daemon that sends each individual page of a print job to a
different printer on the network. Select the printer at random.

Put an intercom inside a machine and then convince some nerd that it is an
AI system with voice recognition.

Convince a newbie that there has been a virus going around that presents
hypnotic patterns on the screen which can really mess up your mind. Then
start up remotely or set to start at a particular time a fractal program of
some sort. They'll  probably panic big time.

Write a TSR that turns the keyboard on and off at short intervals. You'll
watch the person try keyboard after keyboard.      Can also swap keys using
ANSI.SYS or xmodemap depending on the system.

Convert a XXX image to a bitmap and make it someone's OS/2 or Windows
background.   You can also change the background of someone's X-Windows
session remotely as well as make picture appear, and they can't stop you.
Use XV or a similar program.

Rig the spring in a Macintosh floppy drive to fire the disk a goodly
distance from the machine upon ejection.

Reverse the turbo switch so that the machine runs fast when it should run
slow and slow when it should be fast.

If they haven't changed the default password for their BIOS, change it
yourself and lock them out of their machine.

Write fake disaster error messages that appear at random times.


New Employee Pranks

Send a new employee for various mythical items such as:

                    Double sided transparencies
                    Dehydrated Water
                    A bucket of compressed air
                    A bucket of steam
                    A long stand
                    A chain stretcher
                    A long weight (long wait)
                    A short weight
                    Short circuits
                    Lightning bolts
                    A piston return spring
                    A left handed wrench, hammer, razor...
                    Sparkplugs for a diesel engine
                    A short stand
                    Hydraulic cement bender

          (I have long memories from when I was an apprentice)


Phone Pranks

Coat the receiver of someone's phone with shoe polish and then give them a
call.     Instant gratification.
Make sure you match the colors of the polish and the phone. Small amounts
of shaving cream work too.

Utilizing three-way calling, call two people you don't know and start a
confused conversation that goes like, "who is this?" "Who is *this*?"
"Why did you call me?"  "Call you?  You called me!" ...

Glue the victim's receiver down, and then start making lots of calls to the

Call in pledges to your local public TV station in the victim's name.
Be generous.      Other charities work as well.

Switch on the intercom as tell the victim that the "person on the other
end want s to talk to you." You'll hear them going "Hello? Hellooo?"...


Appliance Pranks

Wrap an *extremely* fine gauge wire several turns around each prong of the
power cord of some plug in appliance with a single strand going between the
two prongs. The current coming out of a wall is sufficient that the wire
will instantly an d completely vaporize and will result in a startling
flash. This one leaves no evidence and will make the person terrified to
plug the appliance back in.
WARNING: this is VERY dangerous if too large a gauge of wire is used.

Purchase a"universal TV remote" from a place like Radio Shack. When walking
by public TVs, such as those in a dorm lounge, change the channel without
giving anyone any idea you are doing it.

Take a transceiver like the ones ham radio operators use (3 watts or more
is good) and push transmit while near a TV.
Will have the effect of semi-scrambling whatever is showing.
The more powerful the transceiver, the more the TV signal get s messed up.
This does work on cable TV.

Leave toothpaste on the underside of light switches and doorknobs.

Use appliance timers to detonate stereo equipment at high volume.

Leave a copier to print 99 copies at 33% resolution on 8x14 paper.

Leave someone's furniture in a 99% disassembled state. Repeat as necessary.


Sleeping Pranks

Fasten someone to their bed with numerous bungi cords.

Put coat hangers between the mattress and the sheet.

Get lots of cheap alarm clocks and set them to go off at 3:00am and every
20 minutes thereafter. Hide them well.

Bury someone several feet deep in wet unrolled toilet paper.

Pour "cyalume" (the stuff in those glow sticks you see every Halloween) on
someone then wake them and say, "Dude, you're glowing!" and watch them

Place the sleeping person's hand in a bowl of lukewarm water.
Will frequently cause bed wetting.

Shave parts of a person while they are passed out drunk. Be creative.
Do things such as half a mustache, one eyebrow, etc.

Smear a person's body with Nair or other hair removal substance. Works
great on hairy Italian guys.

Print a message in lipstick on someone's chest, such as "Thank You." Works
best after a night where they really got drunk and may not remember what
they were doing the night before.

Sprinkle Sand or Jelly Mix or the like in the person's bed.


Pyrotechnical Pranks

Burn a hole in someone's newly paved asphalt driveway using thermite.

Place industrial strength smoke grenades (the sort that will fill up entire
buildings) in obscure places in a public building. Also good in someone's
car or truck.

Make some Ammonium Tri-iodide. Be creative.


Vehicle Pranks

Place an old beat up vehicle near the entrance to a school building. Remove
the wheels and fill it with cement. Nearly impossible to remove.

Cut an old wreck in half and weld it together around a flagpole.

Disassemble an old car and reassemble it on top of a building or in the
main lobby of the building.

Block off a major road using traffic cones or barrels.

Get some of the jacks used for moving cars around car lots and move all the
cars in a lot so that they are about 3 inches apart and impossible to get
into or move.

Fill someone's car or truck top to bottom with snow. You'll need a shovel
most likely.

Place a dead fish in an area of the engine that is hard to get to and that
will  get hot. Jammed under the radiator is just about perfect. After a
couple of days the smell just becomes unbearable.

Jack up a person's car so the wheels are just barely off the ground, but
not enough to be noticeable.



Many of these pranks can be quite malicious and dangerous.
This list is not meant to serve as a source of ideas for irresponsible
behavior.  The writers disclaim any and all liability for results of or
relating to this compilation.



    Personally I think that 95% of people I've seen claiming to suffer
with stress....just dont.   For them some hints...for us some laughs.

                       How To Stay Stressed
Although the Health Office has long been an advocate of stress management,
stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of many people...
especially government workers.

So.....YOU ALL SHOULD WANT TO STAY STRESSED ......and the following list
provides you with a few reasons why.

STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.     Anyone as stressed as you must be
                                     working very hard and, therefore,
                                     is probably doing something very

IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL    Anyone as busy as you are certainly
DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.         can't be expected to form emotional
                                     attachments to anyone.  And let's
                                     face it, you're not much fun to be
                                     around anyway.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
                                     given any more work.  This gets you
                                     off the hook for all the mundane
                                     chores; let someone else take care
                                     of them.

IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.        Stress might be considered a cheap
                                     thrill, and you can give yourself a
                                     "hit" anytime you choose.  But be
                                     careful, you might get addicted to
                                     your own adrenaline.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.          Why risk being "successful" when by
                                     simply staying stressed you can
                                     avoid all of that?  Stress can keep
                                     your performance level low enough
                                     that success won't ever be a threat.

STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR       The authoritarian style of "Just do
AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.      what I say!" is generally permissa-
                                     ble under crisis conditions.  If
                                     you maintain a permanently stressed
                                     crisis atmosphere, you can justify
                                     an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed?  You'll have no trouble
if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE.                      Exercise wastes a lot of time that
                                     could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.               Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
                                     cleanse your system, a balanced
                                     diet isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT.                         Work hard at staying at least 25
                                     pounds over your recommended

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.           The old standards of caffeine,
                                     nicotine, sugar, and cola will
                                     continue to do the job just fine.

AVOID "ADVISED" PRACTICES.           Ignore the evidence suggesting
                                     that meditation, prayer, deep
                                     breathing, and/or mental imaging
                                     help to reduce stress.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL               Let the few friends who are
SUPPORT SYSTEM.                      willing to tolerate you know that
                                     concern yourself with friendships
                                     only if you have time, and you
                                     never have time.  If a few people
                                     persist in trying to be your
                                     friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.           Anyone who criticizes any aspect
                                     of your work, family, dog, house,
                                     or car is mounting a personal
                                     attack.  Don't take time to
                                     listen, be offended, then return
                                     the attack!

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.       Staying stressed is no laughing
                                     matter, and it shouldn't be
                                     treated as one.

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.  Never ever ask for help, and if
                                     you want it done right, do it

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.                 Put work before everything else,
                                     and be sure to take work home
                                     evenings and weekends.  Keep
                                     reminding yourself that vacations
                                     are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
                                     day than you can possibly get done
                                     and then worry about it all
                                     whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE.                       Putting things off to the last
                                     second always produces a marvelous
                                     amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T         Worry about the stock market,
CONTROL.                             earthquakes, the approaching Ice
                                     Age and other immediate issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT  ...and either beat yourself up, or
SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...     feel guilty, depressed, discour-
                                     aged, and/or inadequate when you
                                     don't meet them.

               *  Ways to Show you are stressed

  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
  Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
  Drive to work in reverse.
  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
  Start a nasty rumor - see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
  Write a short story using alphabet soup.
  Stare at people through the prongs of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
  Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.


          This would have to be one of the slickest list of questions
       I have seen in a humorous exam form........ex the Internet

                           FINAL EXAMINATION

Instructions:  Read each question carefully.  Answer all questions.
               Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1)  H I S T O R Y

    Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
    present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its
    social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on
    Europe, Asia, America, and Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

2)  M E D I C I N E

    You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
    a bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your
    work has been inspected.  You have 15 minutes.

3)  P U B L I C  S P E A K I N G

    Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
    classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin
    or Greek.

4)  B I O L O G Y

    Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human
    culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier,
    with special attention to its probable effect on the English
    parliamentary system.  Prove your thesis.

5)  M U S I C

    Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with flute
    and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.

6)  P S Y C H O L O G Y

    Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
    emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
    of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II,
    Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.  Support your evaluations with quotations
    from each man's work, making appropriate references.  It is not
    necessary to translate.

7)  S O C I O L O G Y

    Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
    of the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8)  M A N A G E M E N T  S C I E N C E

    Define management.  Define science.  How do they relate?  Why?
    Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions.
    Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to
    activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all
    necessary control programs.

9)  E N G I N E E R I N G

    The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a
    box on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed
    in Swahili.  In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to
    the room.  Take whatever action you feel is appropriate.  Be prepared
    to justify your decision.

10) E C O N O M I C S

    Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
    Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
    Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a
    method for preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all
    possible points of view.  Point out the deficiencies in your point of
    view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

11) P O L I T I C A L  S C I E N C E

    There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
    III.  Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y

    Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the validity of your

13) P H Y S I C S

    Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an
    evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

14) P H I L O S O P H Y

    Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
    significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind of

15) G E N E R A L  K N O W L E D G E

    Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.

* * E X T R A  C R E D I T * *

    Define the universe; give three examples.

--- (d) 1983 RHSFTRW (The Real World) ---


   This do it yourself list for composing a C/Western song deserves
   mention because of the hilarious wording possible from it.
   All you need is a DIY music program and presto,,,,,,


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________.
             (1)       (2)                          (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with some joggers       the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a tree house          with Mere Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts

She was ______  _____,
          (4)    (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muumuu

and I knew _______.  _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)       (7)         (8)

6.                                    7.                     8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off grog
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate

She said to me ____.  But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                                (10)

9.                           10.
our love would never die     run off
there was no other guy       wind up
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
her basset hound was shy     sky dive
that Rolaids made her high   turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
she loved my one blue eye    blast off
her brother's name was Hy    make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

11.                         12.
  with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
  in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
  on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
  on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
  with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
  on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
  with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
  with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
  at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
  in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
  with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
  while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked


               Some people may not see this as a list.  Some may see it
        more as humour. I included it because it was a list of questions
        and humorous.

                    Application For Living In East Brisbane
                      (please use ink pen *not* crayon)

    Nickname:______________________ C.B. Handle_____________________
    Mobile Home Color: ( )  Two-tone, Brown and White
                       ( )  Two-tone, Pink and White
                       ( )  Faded Green

    Father: if unknown, attach list of three suspects): _______________
    Mama:(if not abandoned at birth)___________________________________

    Neck Shade: ( ) Light      ( ) Medium     ( ) Dark
    Number of teeth in exposed full grin: Upper__________ Lower_________
    Model of utility driven:_______________ Size of tyres: _____________
    Number of beer cans on floor of pickup truck:______________________
    Truck equipped with:
    ( ) Gun Rack         ( ) Mud Flaps     ( ) Camper Top     ( ) Air Horn
    ( ) American Flag    ( ) 4-W Drive     ( ) 8-Track        ( ) Rust
    ( ) Fuzz Buster      ( ) Roll Bar      ( ) C.B.           ( ) Mud Tyres
    ( ) Load of wood     ( ) Dents         ( ) Sheep poaching spot light
    ( ) Playboy emblem hanging from rearview mirror
    ( ) Woman's garter hanging from rearview mirror
    ( ) Pine tree air freshener hanging from rearview mirror

    Bumper Stickers
    ( ) Honk if You're Horny        ( ) Tasmanian State Bird: Slug
    ( ) Almost Heaven, Hey          ( ) Where the Hell is Elvis?
    ( ) Feminazi's for MP's         ( ) N.T State Bird: Mosquito
    ( ) Ducks Unlimited             ( ) Walleyes Unlimited
    ( ) Tommy Hanlons Circus        ( ) Nuke Adelaide
    ( ) Eat Cheese or Die           ( ) Vote for Pauline Hanson
    ( ) The Pack is Back (on bumper since 1973 and still waiting)
    ( ) You'll Get My Gun When You Pry My Cold Dead Fingers From Around
           The Barrel.....You Bloody Mug

    Favorite Meal:
    ( ) Anything fried in lard        ( ) Pickled pigs feet
    ( ) Bratwurst and Jim Beam        ( ) Venison sausage and Jim Beam
    ( ) Dr. Pepper and Bundy          ( ) Rabbits head & Damper

    Favorite Music:
    ( ) Country               ( ) Western        ( ) Country AND Western
    ( ) Anything played on an accordion
    ( ) Anything played on a didgeredoo

    Favorite Recreation:
    ( ) Pig Huntin'              ( ) Snowskeein'
    ( ) Fishin with live bait   ( ) Croc. huntin' while drinking
    ( ) Watching "Neighbours" reruns
    ( ) Fishin while drinkin
    ( ) Watchin Blue Heelers while drinking
    ( ) Fishin with live bait while drinking

    Favorite Weapon:
    ( ) .22          ( ) 30/30          ( ) 30/06            ( ) Machette
    ( ) Chain saw    ( ) Tyre lever     ( ) Forehead         ( ) Wife

    Favorite Fragrance:
    ( ) Wet dogs         ( ) WD-40            ( ) Old Spice
    ( ) Bait bucket      ( ) Frying Spam      ( ) Diesel fuel
    ( ) A paper mill on a hot day in August   ( ) Eau de flatulence
    ( ) Any scent emanating from Hungry Jacks

    Favorite Cap Emblem:
    ( ) Jim Beam       ( ) Stihl          ( ) XXXX         ( ) Volvo
    ( ) Broncos        ( ) The Swans      ( ) John Laws    ( ) John Howard
    ( ) One Australia  ( ) National Party ( ) Any Party    ( ) Ford Pills

    Favorite Reading:
    ( ) Fishing Facts    ( ) TV Guide         ( ) Beer Bottle labels
    ( ) Enquirer         ( ) Guns & Ammo      ( ) Today's Mercenary
    ( ) Polka Digest     ( ) Aryan Review     ( ) Welfare Applications

    Things in Your Front Yard:
    ( ) Various kitchen appliances     ( ) Piles of split wood
    ( ) Cars on blocks                 ( ) Dismantled snowmobiles
    ( ) Dog run on rock hard dirt track
    ( ) Broken metal framed fly screen
    ( ) Ewe hanging from tree limb--in season
    ( ) Ewe Hanging from tree limb--out of season
    ( ) Wood cut-out of John Howard

    Can you beat your wife at arm wrestling? ____________________________
    When was your last sighting of Elvis?: ______________________________
    Do you wear mostly polyester trousers?: _____________________________
    Do you own any shoes? (not counting boots): _________________________
    Length of Right Leg: ____________  Length of Left Leg: ______________

    Are you married to any of the following:
    ( ) Sister             ( ) Cousin           ( ) Cousin's sister
    ( ) Brudder

    Typical Greeting:
    ( ) G'day dere
    ( ) Dem Broncos is playing like a buncha ole women
    ( ) Dem Swans is playing like a buncha ole women
    ( ) Det John Laws 's me
    ( ) Dem old women is playing like a buncha ole women
    ( ) Dey should just shoot  dem Cambra Libbel queers
    ( ) Dey should just let me laytions spear dose idiots at de CES
    ( ) Coo-ee

    Favorite Tavern Name:
    ( ) Dew Drop Inn             ( ) Do Drop Inn
    ( ) Ewe Drop in             ( ) Wee Drop Inn
    ( ) XXXX Supper Club         ( ) VicBits Supper Club
    ( ) Plonk Inn                ( ) Free Beer

    Favorite Automobile:
    ( ) '67 Ford Galaxy
    ( ) '67 Ford Galaxy with transmission
    ( ) '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala transmission
    ( ) Red FJ Holden

    Furthest Point South Ever Travelled:
    ( ) Bong Bong Races       ( ) Albany            ( ) South Australia
    ( ) Marble Bar            ( ) Hotel Bar         ( ) New Guinea

    Most Memorable Event You've Ever Attended
    ( ) Bong Bong Races
    ( ) Outback Desperate and Dateless Ball
    ( ) Redfern Desperate and Dateless Ball
    ( ) Gold Coast Dwarf Throwing Championships
    ( ) Darling River Carp fishing Championships
    ( ) Murray Darling Queen and Beauty Contest
    ( ) Brisbane River Shout-Off for the Deaf
    ( ) Johnson Outboard Motor Repair Finals
    ( ) The Nundah Mechanics Greaseless Bake-off
    ( ) Spread Eagle International Colon Convention

      Your Signature (an X will do): _________________________________


          This is a list that will be appreciated buy "mere male" for
     its "too true humour"  and real life application that most of us
     males have had experience of at one stage or another.


Forget the Snap-On Tool (tow) Truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic.  It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
package.  Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans -
winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.  The only thing
that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool.  The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.
Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the
Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral part of
these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle
if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat
butter.  Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
afterward.  (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road:   Block up a tire.  Smack corroded
battery terminals.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on
the noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with
which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked up version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can
transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working
model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a
wiring harness.  Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars,
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
Let's admit it.  There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.  This
is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can
only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.  If you
break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher
said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it's
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
never replace it with the right thing again.  Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
Ford and the FJ Holden set.

9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
you separate tie-rod-ends?  Once every decade, if you're lucky.  Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.  Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
in a pinch of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. Thirty cents and a Phone Booth:  (RACQ membership recommended)


          This is a list of "Public Relations" questions that purchasers
     of military aircraft are asked to fill seems.....!

                          McDonnell Douglas
                        Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment,  please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.   Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.  _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name______________________Initial____Last Name_______________________



2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check how this product was supplied:

_Gift/Aid Package            ( )
_Mail Order                  ( )
_Government Surplus          ( )
_Duty Free                   ( )
_St. Vincents De Paul        ( )

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard noise, looked up      ( )
_Friend has one              ( )
_Political lobbying          ( )
_Was attacked by one         ( )

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance            ( )
_Kickback/Bribe              ( )
_Comfort/Convenience         ( )
_Warranty                    ( )
_Advanced Weapons Systems    ( )
_Easy to Park                ( )

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North/Central/South America ( )     ( )     ( )
_Middle East/Africa          ( )     ( )
_Asia/Far East               ( )     ( )
_Europe/Third World          ( )     ( )
_The Vatican (God help you)          ( )

9. Please check the products that you now own, or intend to purchase

Product                Own     Intend to purchase
ICBM                   ( )           ( )
Killer Satellite       ( )           ( )
Air-to-Air Missiles    ( )           ( )
Space Shuttle          ( )           ( )
Nuclear Weapon         ( )           ( )
Home Computer          ( )           ( )

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist           ( )
_Terrorist                     ( )
_Crazed (Islamic)              ( )
_Crazed (Other)                ( )
_Nervous                       ( )
_Peaceful                      ( )

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash                          ( )
_Traveler's Cheque             ( )
_Personal Cheque - Which Bank? ( )
_Credit Card                   ( )
_Oil Revenues                  ( )
_Deficit Spending              ( )
_Ransom Money                  ( )
_Cocaine                       ( )

12. Occupation          You      Spouse

Tyrant                  ( )       ( )
Homemaker               ( )       ( )
Real Estate Agent       ( )       ( )
Retired                 ( )       ( )
Student                 ( )       ( )
Eccentric               ( )       ( )

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest               You     Spouse
Golf                            ( )      ( )
Boating/Sailing                 ( )      ( )
Sabotage                        ( )      ( )
Propaganda                      ( )      ( )

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups and other sundry consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
                  Military Aerospace Division
                  P.O. Box 800
                  St. Louis, MO 55500


I knew this was how they came up with some of "those" statements.....

                        Marketing Terminology

For those of you who do not fully understand what the Marketing Terminology
for certain office products means, here is the current 'Product Name
Generator Matrix' as used by many company's marketing departments:

Column 1                Column 2                Column 3
0. integrated           0. management           0. options
1. overall              1. organizational       1. flexibility
2. systematized         2. monitored            2. capability
3. parallel             3. reciprocal           3. mobility
4. functional           4. digital              4. programming
5. responsive           5. logistical           5. concept
6. optimal              6. transitional         6. time-phase
7. synchronized         7. incremental          7. projection
8. compatible           8. third-generation     8. hardware
9. balanced             9. policy               9. contingency

The procedure is simple.
You think of a three-digit number at random and take the corresponding word
from each column. Thus, 601 gives 'optimal management flexibility' and 352
gives 'parallel logistical capability', and so on.

Marketing claims that the generator gives its users 'instant expertise on
matters pertaining to Communications Technology', enabling them to invest
anything they write, not with any particular meaning, but with 'that proper
ring of decisive, progressive, knowledgeable authority'.


Worker Redundancy schemes!..............




     As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

     Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future plans.

     Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately

This program will be known as "Retire Aged Personnel Early" (RAPE).

    Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company.  Provided that they are RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of operation will be known as "Surveyed Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers" (SCREW).

     All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.  This phase is called "Studied Higher Authority Following
Termination" (SHAFT).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be RAPED once, SCREWED Twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.

     If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled
to get "Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance" (HERPES) or
"Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment" (CLAP).......unless of course, he or
she already participated in our "Additional Income from Dependents or
Scheme" (AIDS).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives
them will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

     Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain with us
that the company will continue its policy to ensure that all workers are
well trained through our "Special High Intensity Training" (SHIT).

The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is especially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you deserve.


If this happens to you - you're in trouble.......

      Things you don't want said during surgery

1.  Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.  Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
3.  BoBo!  Come back with that.  Bad doggie!
4.  Wait a minute, if thats is his spleen, then what's this?
5.  Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
6.  Oh no! Where's my Rolex watch?
7.  Oops!  Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8.  There go the lights again!
9.  You know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.
10. Everybody stand back!  I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beeping, it's affecting my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when things go missing.
14. That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature
19. This patient has already had some kids I hope?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don't worry.  I think it's sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"
23. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
24. FIRE! FIRE!  Everyone get out!


This is the basics of how I found this one on the web
(I just love these little offering's

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you
have their red crayon when all that was available to you was the ugly
black one.

2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who held your
hand the first day you went to school.

3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped
you stand up to the playground bully.

4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared
their lunch with you when you forgot yours.

5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was
willing to switch dancing partners so you wouldn't  be stuck  with Ugly
Nicky or Nasty Susan.

6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on
the back of the bus for you.

7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to  your
new crush, and asked them would they like to dance with you, so  you
wouldn't  be embarrassed if they said no.

8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy
their homework because you hadn't done yours.

9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped
you pack up your stuffed animals and clean your room so you could meet a
deadline and not be grounded.

10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with
you to a "cool" party thrown by a  "heart throb",  so you wouldn't wind up
having no one to talk to

11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed
their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave
you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be
grounded,  consoled you when you broke up with a "heart throb" and found
you a date for the school dance.

13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped
you pick out a uni,   assured you that you would get into that uni and
helped you deal with your parents - who were having a hard time adjusting
to the idea of letting you go.....

14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was really
excited that you'd managed a good pass.

15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you
sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents,
assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together
you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for uni and just
silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of
memories you were leaving behind - and finally on those last days of
childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would
make it in uni as well as you had for the past 18 years,  and most
importantly, sent you off knowing you were loved.

16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you
choices, will hold your hand when you're scared,  backs you to the hilt
in your fight with those who try to take advantage of you,  thinks of you
at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten,
helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold
on to it a little longer, encourages you so that you have confidence, goes
out of their way to make time for you, offers to help you clear up any
mistakes and deal with pressure, smiles for you when you are sad, will not
leave your side when you need them, helps you become a better person,
wants unconditionally whets best for you..... and most importantly loves
you regardless of your shortcomings!


When I downloaded this one, it had the worst spelling and
word misplacement I'd ever seen. I rewrote and corrected
it so it made sense. It has an amusing irony about it.

                         The Present

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with
  $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening
  the bank deletes whatever part of that balance you failed to use
  during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!

Each of us has such a bank.....................but it deals in TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of these seconds you have
  failed to put to good purpose.
It carries over no balance and allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.  If you fail to spend the day's
  deposits wisely, the loss is yours.   There is no going back.  There is
  no drawing against the "tomorrow."      You must live in the present on
  today's deposits.

  Like all other things we take for granted,  time seems of little value
  to most of us when we are young,  yet as we grow older its true value
  becomes clearer to us and we tend to lament our perceived  misuse
  of it when we were younger.

  It has been written that we all should invest in time,  but how do you
 do that when time cannot accrue or attract interest.  Investing in habits,
  behaviour or health can attract credits of time as can many other
  actions, but time itself is unrelenting and impossible to expand.

Its what we do with the time we have that allows us credits of
well as happiness and success.   The more active we become the more
attune to time we are,  because time does nothing but run...... and only
boredom seems to slow it down.

    The following analogies are made to  better demonstrate time........

To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a
  premature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realise the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an

To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver
medal at the Olympics.

Treasure every moment of time that you have!    And treasure it even more
  when share  it with "rare jewels" such as real friends......for they will
  encourage you to strive to succeed and  genuinely wish the best for you.
  They will lend an ear to your concerns,  smile right along with you.....
  ... and praise your every effort.

Its obvious that none of this would be possible without time,  so when you
  wake up tomorrow morning - work out how much of today's time credits you
  have used up so far and resolve to making the most of the time left.

Yesterday, is history.
Tomorrow, is a mystery.
Today is a gift.

         Maybe that's why it's called ........"The present"


©Ted Middleton 1999.

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