I made a list of things to do
                       And as I wrote, it grew and grew
                       One page, two - soon it was ten
                       I'll never write a list again
                                                  Me - 1995

         When I was in my prime of youth, my days of unfulfilled dreaming,
         unending inquisitiveness, unbounding enthusiasm, unrivalled
         hunger for knowledge, undampened belief in my fellow man.........
         and in an absolute mindless state with unbridled imagination......,
         not only was I entertained by just watching people - I could sit for
         hours with my eyes closed and build working models of things in my
         mind.  All sorts of things.

         I could see a machine working...and picture in my mind how it works
         mechanically. I could watch a driver turn the steering wheel and put
         together in my mind how it caused the road wheels to turn. I could
         see a tip truck or road grader working and close my eyes until I
         worked out what made them do what they did.

         Didn't ALL little boys go through that stage?

         And I was mostly accurate too, as I later found out.

         But that wasn't all that I occupied my mind with.  Rather than shut
         my mind down at times,  I would think up funny situations, jokes,
         stories - imagine I was traveling or that I was of great importance,
         .....and other nonsense.

         Probably one of the most entertaining habits I "acquired" during my
         youth was the entertaining (and later extremely handy) pastime of
         making lists.

         I just loved lists.  Lists were the building blocks for an orderly
         present and planned future - as well as society itself (!) (although
         I didn't know this at first!) Lists were logical and needed for being
         thorough and organised and only needed to be adjusted as the need
         arose to be continually current and immensely helpful.

         Mind you - not all lists are near as serious as the value put on
         them by the person who compiles them. Conversely, a good intentioned
         and well prepared list will not assist someone who doesn't realise
         the value of it or forgets to consult it.

         I can still recall a lot of them now....50 years on.  The ones that
         readily come to mind and I was fond of were some of the silly
         "sayings" lists I used to conjure in my mind and recall when I
         wanted to make jokes or even smart mouth someone. But a list could
         contain anything - and mine generally did just that - revealing the
         small and bigger picture as I saw it.  Generally these lists were
         "in sight - one page" which made for easy referral and recall.

         Whether marked in my diary or used as a preparatory measure, I owe
         a lot to my fascination for lists.

         So I decided to dedicate a (whole) section here to the logical and
         extremely helpful science I now dub,


         During my life I have prided myself on being extremely logical.

         Only recently have I learned that logic is only the beginning
         of understanding - not the end.

         Thinking is a prerequisite for all action but not itself an action.

         I've given much of my life to thinking (and thankfully managed to
         fit in some action as well!).        Thinking can be as exhausting
         as any physical activity.   Good thinkers are sought after and
         well paid for their mental efforts.   (So I constantly tell myself)

         The fact that I was never that well paid is no reflection upon my
         self recognition as a "thinker" (I also constantly tell myself)

         Most people prefer not to think - and many will live and die
         without ever thinking .
          (Actually, I cant vouch for this - having thought about it!)

         I'll stop blabbing now and get on with some lists:

 This list is more in the humour vein, but I included
    it here because it highlights (in some cases) the
    language vulnerability to pronunciation mix-ups.

     Medical Terminology explained
     Abdomen - What females value
     Acute - Something that's loveable
     Anal - Occurring yearly
     Artery - Study of fine paintings
     Artificial respiration - Induced sweating
     Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
     Barium - What to do when CPR fails
     Benign - After you are eight
     Bile - Evaporate at high temperature
     Bromine - Negros brother
     Cardiac - Person addicted to gambling
     Cauterise - To make eye contact with her
     Cecum - To look for
     Cell - Convert to cash
     Cerebral - More than one
     Cesarean Section - Ancient Roman district
     Chemo - A casino game
     Cold - Unhot
     Colic - Sheep dog
     Colon - A boys name
     Coma - Punctuation mark
     Congenital - Friendly
     Cramp - To crowd
     Crutch - Something to lean on
     Deform - For de application
     Depress - For detrousers and deshirts
     Diarrhea - A daily note book
     Dilate - Live long (and prosper?)
     Electrogram - Fast telegram
     Endorphin - The product of dead parents
     Enema - Hostile people (Deep south USA)
     Euthanasia - Young Asians
     Fester - Quicker
     Fibia - A big liar
     Fibula - A small liar
     Flu - Rose into the air
     Genital - Softly
     G.I. Series - Games among American soldiers
     Graft - Illegal money practices
     Gravel rash - Impetuous toward gravel
     Grippe - Suitcase
     Hangnail - A coat hook
     Impotent - Cheeky/Impertinent
     Integument - Honesty
     Insect poison - For religious suicides
     Intense - Where army people sleep
     Irrigate - To annoy
     Labor Pain - work exhaustion
     Lesion - What a city dog should have
     Loose Stools - Wobbly chairs
     Medical Staff - Doctor's cane
     Minor Operation - Underground diggings
     Misuse - Means "I miss you all"
     Morbid - Higher offer
     Mouth to mouth - Kissing
     Muscle - Kind of shellfish
     Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
     Nitric - After dark magic
     Node - Knew about it
     Organ - A musical instrument
     Organic - Church music
     Outpatient - Person who has fainted
     Pap Smear - Fatherhood insult.
     Pelvis - Elvis Presley's nickname
     Penis - Someone who plays music on a keyboard
     Pore - destitute
     Post-operative - Mail contractor
     Prostate - To lay down flat.
     Protein - In favor of young people
     Rash - Impetuous
     Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
     Rectum - Ruined 'em
     Retention - To make tight again
     Rheumatic - Amorous.
     Scar - Large cigarette
     Scratch -Relief for an itch
     Secretion - Hiding something
     Seizure - Roman emperor.
     Serology - Study of English knighthood
     Sex drive - A visit to a brothel
     Shingles - Roofing
     Sore - Fly high
     Spine - Observing by stealth
     Sprain - Sprinkling
     Sternum - Just joking/having them on
     Stroke - Rub gently
     Syndrome - An outdoor gay convention
     Tablet - Small table
     Terminal illness - Airport sickness
     Testicle - Octopuses arm
     Tibia - More catlike
     Tumor - Extra pair
     Ulcer - Another name for Ireland
     Ultrasound- Rock concert
     Urine - Opposite of "you're out"
     Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
     Vein - Someone whose up themselves
     Vertigo - Upwards

(also in "Humour2" & "language" pages)


         Now that the metric system is in wide use, it's time to
             change a few common phrases:-
               .  A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers
               .  Put your best .3 of a meter forward
               .  Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child
               .  Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
               .  Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
               .  Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

         Even though its only since around 1990 that we great "masses" have
         become familiar with personal computers and been bombarded with
         their jargon, we have, since our childhoods, been "programmed" to
         the association of certain words with certain events or other
         happenings.  Such association in itself means nothing by common
         relation within our language base,  but the meaning is well known
         and can best be explained as a related universal slang.

         The following list is of colours in relation to image, feelings
         or status.  Apart from the colour generalisations (gen) themselves,
         all refer to the human head, body or related - and seem universally
         known.....throughout English speaking countries at least.

           Aqualung       .........  Diving equipment
           Black..........gen......  Bad/darkness/Death
           Black & blue   .........  Bruised/injured
           Blackbeard     .........  A pirate
           Black browed   .........  Frown/scowl
           Black car      .........  Hearse/mafia/official car
           Blackfoot      .........  American Indian
           Blackguard     .........  Scoundrel
           Black hand     .........  Mafia
           Blackhead      .........  Pore blockage
           Black knees    .........  Religious
           Blackleg       .........  Illegal
           Black look     .........  Angry
           Black man      .........  Negro
           Blackmouth     .........  Slander/insulting
           Blackshirt     .........  Fascist
           Blue...........gen......  Reliable/boy
           Bluebeard      .........  A pirate
           Blue blood     .........  Well bred/royalty
           Blue chip      .........  Solid/reliable
           Blue coat      .........  Sailor
           Blue light     .........  Service area/police
           Blues          .........  Sad songs
           Boys in blue   .........  Police
           Brown..........gen......  Earthy/fertiliser/withered
           Brown nosed    .........  Ingratiating/crawler type person
           Green..........gen......  Go/rotten/inexperienced/envious
                                       /the ecology
           Green around the gills..  Sick
           Greenback      .........  American money
           Green eyed     .........  Monster
           Green grocer   .........  Produce seller
           Greensleeves   .........  A song
           Green thumb    .........  Gardener
           Greenwich      .........  Time
           Grey...........gen......  Aged/overcast
           Grey area...............  Uncertain/unknown
           Grey haired    .........  Ageing
           Pink...........gen......  Young/good health
           In the Pink    .........  Healthy
           Pink faced     .........  Inexperienced
           Pinky          .........  Little finger
           Pink skinned   .........  Young
           Purple faced   .........  Exhausted
           Red............gen......  Stop/danger
           Redback        .........  A spider
           Red belly      .........  A fish/snake
           Red cent       .........  The lowest amount
           Red emperor    .........  A fish
           Red eyed       .........  Distraught/exhausted/inebriated
           Red faced      .........  Embarassed
           Redhead       .........   Red haired
           Redneck        .........  Wild
           Red nosed      .........  Clown or cold
           Red shirt      .........  Communist
           Redskin        .........  American Indian
           White..........gen......  Good/cleanliness/purity
           White faced    .........  Scared
           Yellow.........gen......  Caution/disease
           Yellow belly   .........  Coward
           Yellow man     .........  Japanese
           Yellowtail     .........  A fish

So the word "rainbow" should logically conjure up mixed feelings (?)

(also in "language" page)
(Some funny bumper sticker material)

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch, but I was made this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an American Indian!
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!


         I read somewhere that people addicted to lists had an orderly mind
         and lists were a tool for their mind to achieve that order
         I like to question anything that I dont fully understand - purely to 
         satisfy my thinking process.    (Sometimes for knowledge even!!!)

         In 1994, to satisfy that inquisitiveness mind, I rang Mensa in Victoria 
         regarding their Mensa test that is claimed only 2% of the smartest 
         people can master.

         As  I never really doubted I was in that group..... I wanted to satisfy 
         myself that my confidence was well founded and I wasn't still being
         just a cocky (old) upstart!

         I had to write away ($20 fee - I was keen!) for details which were duly 
         returned along with a self test. It advised of the time limit for the test 
         paper, that no aids were to be used (etc)... and how it was important 
         that the applicant return the paper.... etc. etc.

         Even Mensa were susceptible to lists it seemed....

         I sat down with the cooking timer from my kitchen, a pad and 2 pens
         and tackled the test.  When I had finished (some weirdo questions
         were in there) I read the letter that came with the test again, went to
         my study and got an envelope, addressed it, went back to the study
         and got a postage stamp for it............... then nearly froze when the 
         timer I had set for the test went off.  I'd probably finished about 5-6 
         minutes early, so I was very pleased with myself.

         I posted the envelope back to Mensa and counted the time for the
         reply to arrive...  much as I did with anything I'd started and was
         impatient to finish off.

         Seemed like forever, but a few weeks later back came the letter that
         advised me I had passed the primary test and a similar supervised
         test could now be arranged in Brisbane for another fee to confirm
         me as a member.

         Several people were disappointed when I didn't drive to Brisbane 
         (from Noosa Heads!) for the test I had merely done for my own 
         satisfaction....  to be issued a certificate that probably anyone could 
         duplicate on a computer these days anyway.   And as this certificate 
         would seemingly serve merely to impress those impressed by displays,
         I regarded acquiring it poor value to say the least.


Ten Thoughts to Ponder

10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9.  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8.  Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7.  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they will not bother you for weeks.
6.  Do not worry about old age. It does not last long
5.  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
4.  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3.  Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
2.  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

                Think you might take a day off from work?
                     Better read this first............

        There are 365 days in the year,

        You sleep eight hours a day, making 122 days,
            which subtracted from 365 days leaves                  243 days.

        You also have 8 hours of recreation every day,
            making another 122 days and leaves a balance of        121 days.

        There are 52 Sundays that you do not work at all, leaving   69 days.

        You get Saturday afternoon off. This gives 52
            half-days, or 26 more days that you don't work.
            This leaves a balance of                                43 days.

        You get an hour off for lunch, which when
            totaled makes 16 days, leaving                          27 days.

        You get 21 days leave every year, so that leaves             6 days.

        You get 5 days sick leave during the year,
            which leaves only                                        1 day,


        (This is also included in my "Work Page" section
          & deserves inclusion as a "list" here)


         If we say 70 years is the average lifespan.....we say "yep"
            we can all understand that OK - but do we really?
            So lets look at 70 years in a different light and
            surprise ourselves.

         70 years equals:

                 MONTHS  = 840
                 WEEKS   = 3650
                 DAYS    = 25,567
                 HOURS   = 613,608
                 MINUTES = 36,816,480
                 SECONDS = 2,208,988,800

      (This is mentioned elsewhere, but deserves inclusion here also)

                                 TIME AGAIN!
           Lets see the same value applied to just ONE year

                 Months  -  12
                 Weeks   -  52
                 Days    -  365
                 Hours   -  8760
                 Minutes -  525600
                 Seconds -  31536000

                    Still surprising numbers.........

         According to calculations in an article I read........

           A billion seconds ago the Vietnam War was in progress.
           A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
           A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
           A billion dollars ago was late yesterday in Canberra.....

                 (Pretty accurate too!)

         There are many strange everyday things "out there" that most seem
         to take for granted, whereas I see the need to ask a question.

         Many of my questions could be described as "purely for the exercise"
         of knowing, but "need to know" just the same.

         Then there are the questions that have no answers yet deserve one


         Like the following list:

             Why do they ask to see your  drivers licence to buy liquor
             when you can't drink and drive anyway?

             Why are cigarettes sold in service stations when smoking is
             prohibited there?

             If a piano player is called a "pianist",  why isnt a racing
             driver called a "racist"?

             How does the bloke who drives the snow plough get to work
               in the mornings?

             If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
               stick to the frying pan?

             If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the
             others doing here?

             Do married people actually live longer than single people or
             does it only seem longer?

             Can you cry under water?

             What level of importance must a person have before they are
             considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

             If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

             Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

             Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

             How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
             it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

             Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
             wake up ....... like, every two hours!

             If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a

             Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
             in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

             Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or
             close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're
             still going to see you naked anyway aren't they!

             If you aimed to fail, but you succeeded, are you a failure?

             When cheese gets its photo taken, does it say "man"?

             Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead
               of parachutes?

             Why do croutons come in airtight packets? They're just stale
              bread after all!

             If all 727 stores are open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year,
               why are there locks on the doors?

             Why does a solicitor call 25 pages of info a "brief".

             If you tied a buttered slice of toast....butter up.... to the
               back of a cat and dropped it from a great height, what would

             Why do hot dogs come ten to a pack and hot dog rolls only in
               packs of six?

             If love is blind - why is lingerie so popular?

             Why does sour cream have a use-by date?

             When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts - and you
               put your "two cents worth in" - what happens to the extra

             Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
               called a shipment, but when you transport something by
               ship it's called cargo?

             Why do we trust all our money to a man called a "Broker"?

             If you throw a cat away, does that make it become kitty litter?

             If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

             How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place?

             What's another word for thesaurus?

             If a pig loses its voice - does that make it disgruntled?

             How come a "boxing ring" is square.

             Why are tough men happy to fight for a purse

             Why do women wear evening gowns to clubs - shouldn't they be
               wearing night gowns?

             Why is abbreviation such a long word?

             How do you know when it's time to tune bagpipes?

             When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

             Why did they call it a "TV set" when it means only one?

             What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

             Why does a "wise man" and a "wise guy" mean the opposite?

             Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds too?

             You know that little indestructible black box that they have
               on planes to survive a crash?   Why can't they make the whole
               plane out of the same material?

             Why isn't "11" pronounced "onety one?

             Why did Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets, goggles
               and  parachutes?

             Why does "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

             Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

             If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language
      come some people insist that " I do" is the
                longest sentence?

             Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

             If you are in a vehicle going faster than the speed of light....
               ....what happens when you turn the headlights on?

             What is the speed of darkness?

             Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
             batteries are flat?

             Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
             there is not enough?

             Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
             stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

             You know how most well labelled packages say "Open Here".......

             Why is it called a TOOTHbrush when you brush all of your teeth?

             If "horrific" means horrible ......... why doesn't terrific
               mean terrible?

             Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

             If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times,
               does this make him become disoriented?

             If people from Poland are called "Poles" ...... why aren't
               people from Holland called "Holes"?

             Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

             Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people
             at the Special Olympics?

             If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

             If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be
             twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

             If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

             Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

             Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
             you throw a revolver at him?

             Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

             Why do we say something is "out of whack". What's a "whack"?

             Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address,
               you turn down the volume on the radio?

             Why  is  it, that in places where they put criminals to death
               with a lethal injection, there's a law requiring the doctor to
               sterilize the needle?

             Why do they lock service station bathrooms?     Are they afraid
             someone might clean them?

             Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

             If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with
               their lights off?

             If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

             If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

             When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

             Do the cops have to advise a mime he has the right to remain

             Why is the word abbreviation so long?

             When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

             If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

             Do cemetery workers work the graveyard shift?

             What do you do when you have an endangered animal that eats
               only endangered plants?

             Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

             Is it possible to be totally partial?

             If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

             Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

             Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

             Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

             Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

             Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

            If a book about failures doesn't sell, is that a success?

            If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with
               their lights off?

            If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

            If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
              remain silent?

            Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

            If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

            If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
            does that constitute a hostage situation? ....... And if he does
            suicide, shouldn't he be charged with murder?

            Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
               they still grow....and would they be troubled and insecure?

            Is there another word for synonym?

            Isn't it unnerving that doctors call what they do a "practice"?

            When sign makers go on strike, who writes up their picket signs?

            When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to
               be thrown away?

            Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

            Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

            Why do they report power failures on TV?

                        There's lots more  (there always is!)............


          "Silly" lists are both entertaining and an exercise for the mind.
          Some may say lists like this are a waste of time, but that depends
          on the person you are and whether the time spent creating them gives
          you a sense of achievement or entertainment. What place does humour
          holds in your life?

          Maybe it is just me......


Ever get the feeling that your travel agent for your last vacation
had never been to where ever it was they sent you ....... or maybe you
somehow ended up in another place completely?  Here's a short primer
for reading between the lines of sales hype.

             Eight Fun-Filled Days and Glorious Nights...


          What the Travel Agent Said (and what was really meant)

Travel Agent (or Brochure)               English Meaning
--------------------------               ---------------
All the amenities                    Free shower cap
Stately                              Needs renovation
Aristocratic                         Needs major renovation
Gentle breezes                       Gale-force winds
Picturesque                          Theme park/Mystery House nearby
Airy                                 No air conditioning
Brisk                                Freezing
Carefree natives                     Terrible service
Bustling metropolis                  Hoards of hostile natives
Open bar                             Free Ice Cubes
Plush                                Top AND Bottom Sheets
Spacious Quarters                    Sparsely furnished rooms
Surprising Bargains                  Save on Coconut Bird Feeders
Convenient                           Bring Bus Fare
Motor coach                           Bus
Deluxe Motor coach                    Clean Windows on Bus
Unique                               No one else would do it like this
                                        (they wouldn't dare)
Quaint                               Run-down
Warmed by the Gulf Stream            Cold
Cooled by the Humboldt Current       Hot
Off the Beaten Path                  People have stopped coming here
Remote                               People NEVER came here
Standard                             Substandard
Deluxe                               Standard
Superior                             Free Soap
Undiscovered                         Not worth discovering
Authentic Native Dishes              Inedible but Cheap
Playground of the Stars              Mel Torme once stayed here
If you like being pampered           You CAN get waited upon
Exquisite Cuisine                    Limited Menu
Choice of Menu                       Chicken
Tree-lined Boulevards                No sight-seeing
Old-World Charm                      No Bath
Carriage Trade                       No Kids or Pets
Sun-drenched                         Arid Desert Wasteland
Tropical                             Monsoons year-round
Majestic Setting                     A long way from town
Panoramic Vista                      A VERY long way from town
Options Galore                       Nothing is included in your itinerary
Secluded Hideaway                    Impossible to find
...too numerous to mention           I've never been near the place
Preregistered rooms                  Already occupied
Leisurely transfer                   Boring bus ride
Explore on your own                  Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable Tour Hosts             They've flown before
Nominal Charge                       Extortion
"Thieves" Market                     Thieves
Dare to be DIFFERENT!!!              Dare to be STUPID!!!
                                         (Weird Al)
Mystery Tour                         Regular Tour Cancelled
No extra fees                        No Extras
Steeped in History                   Old and Retarded
Tipping is considered an insult      The natives LOVE to be insulted
... and Much, Much More!!!           That's about ALL there is


  Questions of wonderment..........

read on  as you ask
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors and solicitors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98, XP, etc ?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
   liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
   indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only
   time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
   inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
   would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
   (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
  (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't
   this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: " Do not drive a car or operate machinery
   after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
   construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
   head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
   opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
   somebody out there, help me on this. I'm really curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
   nuts." (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
   you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
   genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


I actually knew people who seemed to use some of these!

         How to succeed without talent:

           1.  Study to look tremendously important.
           2.  Speak with great assurance, even if you dont understand either.
           3.  Avoid arguments; if challenged, fire an irrelevant question at
               your antagonist and intently polish your glasses while they
               try to answer.
           4.  Contrive to mingle with important people and haunt exclusive
           5.  Before talking with anyone you really wish to impress, ferret
               out their most passionate beliefs, then advocate them strongly.
           6.  Listen while others wrangle.  Pluck out a platitude and defend
               it righteously.
           7.  When asked a question by a subordinate, give him a "have you
               lost your mind" stare until he glances down, then paraphrase
               the question back at him.
           8.  Acquire a capable stooge to do the things you find most
               difficult and who you can use as a scapegoat when needed, but
               keep them in the background, so they cant gain any credit.
           9.  In offering to perform a service, imply your complete
               familiarity with whatever task it is.
          10. Arrange to be the clearinghouse for all complaints - it
              encourages the thought that you are a caring person and in
              complete control.
          11. Never acknowledge thanks for your attention; this will implant
              subconscious obligation in the mind of your victims and raise
              their awareness and guard.
          12. Carry yourself in a grand manner.  Refer to your associates as
              "some of the lads in our office."  Discourage any light
              conversation that might foster any thought that anyone could
              be up to your level.
          13. Walk swiftly from place to place as if engrossed in affairs of
              great importance.
          14. Keep your office door closed.  Interview by appointment only
              and give orders by memoranda.
          15. Remember, you are a big shot and you don't give a damn who
              knows it.


          Having spent all of my later years being self employed wasn't
          the only reason I have always had the utmost respect for that
          much maligned person known as...THE BOSS.

          If there wasn't someone with the courage, expertise, money and
          willingness to pursue a dream, there could be no worker or the
          conditions he enjoys today. In other words, if I want a job, then
          its important I look after my boss, because a threat to him is
          surely a threat to me.

          And how many "suicidal" workers do we see from time to time....?

          Having said that, when I saw this little "expose" below - about
          "The Boss" - it showed a certain amount of human nature will
          sometimes dominate  relationships within a business structure.

                                  THE BOSS







          In the late 80's to mid 90's the government of the day embarked
          on the policy of "unemployment number crunching for political
          expedience and gain"  Maybe it wasn't the official title, but it
          worked like this:
                     People have vote
                     We survive on vote
                     People unhappy
                     Unemployment main reason
                     No way to fix it
                     Must take their mind off this
                     Throw heaps of money at problem
                     (Maybe start a war?)
                     ..............And so it was done

         Everyone knew that at the end of each year many thousands of school
         leavers aggravate the unemployment figures.  So a scheme was worked
         out to keep these kids at school for an extra couple of years and
         the bribe to do this was called AUSTUDY and covered the majority of
         family situations.

         As the highly trained unemployed "graduated" from one course, they
         were encouraged by small monetary allowances (etc) to immediately
         sign onto infinitum.  The object and planned result
         being to hold down unemployment figures that could embarrass the

         This was clearly shown to be the aim when people out of work who
         who had too much in the bank and early forced retirees weren't
         included in the unemployed total and anyone who worked more than
         12-15hours per week were excluded also, to keep the figures lower.

         It would have worked on paper too, except the national debt blew
         out so far!

         But there were always the minority young who couldn't handle this
         extra education. In the past they simply got a job, and assisted
         their family's meagre income. Failing harmony there, they became
         self sufficient by moving away from home and claiming sustainable
         monies from the government by way of unemployment benefits, rental
         assistance and other substantial allowances that many, to this day,
         cannot resist.

         Those who thought they were  "all grown up"  were encouraged to
         believe in and with..... some, most or even all of the above.

         Copious amounts in monetary handouts even made unmarried mothers
         having many children, a viable industry.

         As the unemployment figures seemed to stabilise, the government
         started to crow about how many jobs they were "CREATING" .........
         and some of us actually believed them!

         To augment this never ending escalation of "education for the dumb
         masses", the government expanded the TAFE college to encompass
         courses of education to everything from  "Creative Pain & Suffering"
         to "Home Lobotomy".....well practically!.

         This started out to be at reasonable cost to the users, but along
         with taxes themselves, these fees rose to the point where many
         couldn't afford them any more and the ranks of those who no longer
         qualified for government subsidy shrank quite rapidly by way of means
         tests applied.

         So ironic and sad this situation may have been, I decided a little
         humour wouldn't go astray and put up the following courses as
         possible similarity to some I've read of:

                       TAFE COLLEGE OF ADULT EDUCATION

                         PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT COURSES

          101 Other Uses for vacuum cleaners     Exorcism and Acne

          How to dispel Peace of Mind       How to convert a wheelchair
                                                    to a dune buggy
          You and your favourite birthmark
                                             Creative tooth decay
          Guilt Without Sex
                                             The Primal Shrug
          The joys of Hypochondria
                                             Ego Gratification through
          High Fiber Sex
                                             Moulding your child's
          Scare yourself to regularity          behavior with Guilt
                                                           and Fear
          Biofeedback and how to stop it
                                             Understanding Nudity
          Tap-dance your way to
             Social Ridicule                 Dealing with Post-Realization
           Optional Body Functions
                                             Whose a Bomb is that!
          How to Overcome Self-Doubt
           through Pretence and              Dynamite secrets of
           other Deception                   a glassblower

          Creative Pain and Suffering        Whine your way to Alienation

          "I made $100 in Real Estate"       How to Draw Obscurely

          Needlework for Junkies             Cuticle Recipes

          The art of non-stick Velcro        Saving our planets ecology by
                                                  making unleaded pencils
          Packaging and Selling
          Your Child                         Gifts for the Senile

          How to Profit From Your Body       Christianity and wheel alignment

          Money CAN make you rich            Repair and Maintenance of
                                                      your Virginity
          Bonsai Your Pet
                                             The Looters Guide to Aussie
          Convert your home into a Vacant
          Block                              Engage that Solicitor without
                                                            going bankrupt
          Sinus Drainage at Home
                                             How to be avoided
          Shredding your mother-in-law
                                             Learn to dress yourself
          Having faith regardless of fact
                                             How to believe your husband
          Synchronised pain and screaming
                                             Russian roulette for beginners
          How to spend money
                                             Putting the boot on the other
                                                        foot for less pain
          How to attract cockroaches

          Why pensioners aren't big spenders  Treating baldness in the newborn

          How to recognise female logic      Composing funny obituaries

          Why nuns  go farther               Mail bomb postage rates

          Lifestyles of the Poor and         Debating Rules for mutes
                                             Why breathing is good for you
          Famous Non Religious Chants
                                             Why Receiving is Better
          How to think of others                       Than Giving

          The merits of devolving            Schizophrenia - twice the fun

          Cultivating computer viruses       The gentle art of concreting

          Bhuddism for goldfish              Suicide for the healthy

          Leprosy and weight loss            Bricklaying opportunities
                                                           in Beirut
          How to turn a small business
           into a very small business        The art of blackmail and
                                               dry flower arranging
          The underachievers guide to
                 to selective failure        Home lobotomy

          Suicide and Your Health


Exercise For Desk Potatoes

A recent report by the Minnesota Medical Association pointed out that proper
weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone.
People who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem
in losing weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that calories can
be burned off by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous exercises that are
common for office workers:
              Activity                                 Calories Burned

            Beating around the bush                          75
            Jogging your memory                             125
            Jumping to conclusions                          100
            Climbing a wall                                 250
            Swallowing your pride                           150
            Passing the buck                                 25
            Grasping at straws                               75
            Beating your own drum                           100
            Throwing your weight around                  50-300
            Dragging your heels                             100
            Pushing your luck                               360
            Making mountains out of molehills               500
            Hitting the nail on the head                     50
            Pushing your own barrow                         145
            Flying off the handle                           225
            Turning the other cheek                          50
            Wading through paperwork                        300
            Bending over backwards                           75
            Jumping on the bandwagon                        200
            Balancing the books                             335
            Beating your head against a wall                450
            Patting yourself on the back                     25
            Sticking your neck out                          980
            Racing against time                             300
            Running around in circles                       215
            Chewing nails                                    85
            Eating crow                                     190
            Fishing for compliments                          35
            Tooting your own horn                            50
            Climbing the ladder of success                  750
            Pulling out all stops                           100
            Adding fuel to the fire                          85
            Adding salt to a wound                           30
            Wrapping it up at day's end                      12


This list of derivative words is interesting .....

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE Derivative ..........

When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):


                             Musical terms
                  (For those who believe anything)
 AMBIENT...........:  Natures complaints put to music
 HIP HOP...........:  Peoples complaints put to music
 BIG BAND..........:  A group of players who take it in turns to stand up
 JAZZ..............:  Men playing different tunes at the same time
 DIXIELAND JAZZ....:  Music where the performers cleverly hide the melody
 BOOGY WOOGY.......:  Music for the hyperactive to dance to
 ROCK & ROLL.......:  Music for the hyperactive who cant dance
 FLAMENCO..........:  Music for those throwing a tantrum
 BLUES.............:  Music for those too tired to throw a tantrum
 HEAVY METAL.......:  Music for the deaf and those who want to be
 CLASSICAL.........:  Music that makes you wish you were deaf
 OPERA.............:  People singing when they should be talking
 RAP...............:  People talking when they should be singing
 FOLK..............:  Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century
 WESTERN...........:  Songs sung by people riding horses
 COUNTRY...........:  Songs sung by people who are near a horse
 COUNTRY & WESTERN.:  Songs by those who feel a little hoarse
 WORLD MUSIC.......:  The 45 seconds of song they put into the TV ad
 HOUSE MUSIC.......:  The 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad
 OLD TIME..........:  Music for those with one foot in the grave
 CHAMBER...........:  Music for those with both feet in the grave
 MOTOWN...........:  Where they control "Bluegrass"


sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In  a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in  Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On  another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
At  a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's  truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your  plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in  Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office  door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want  tows."
On an Electrician's  truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are
 on fire and take  appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's  Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
   you've come to  the right place."
On a Taxidermist's  window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car  payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you  coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting  room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your  payment.
However, if  you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed  up."
In the front yard of a Funeral  Home:
"Drive  carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago  Radiator Shop:
" Best place  in town to take a leak


                   Some Smart Remarks, Replies and Insults

     (   Everyone needs one of these from time to time:   )

          Are your parents married?
          Are your parents related?
          I haven't got time to get a watch!
          Why dont you catch a train to reality!
          The hospital rang and said your brain is ready.
          What's the difference, in 100 years we'll all be dead.
          Want to improve your looks?     Walk backwards!
          There is a cure for your lack of brains - it's
            called "silence."
          Maybe you'd be okay once I got to know you, but I
            don't want to take that chance.
          If he ate his words, he'd have to get his stomach
          In his case, brain surgery would be a minor
          His parents almost lost him as a child, but unfortunately,
            they didn't take him far enough into the woods.
          He was such an ugly baby, his parents didn't know
            which end to put the nappy on.
          Don't worry about losing your mind - you weren't
             using it anyway.
          Why don't you go somewhere and play with your mental
          He's so stupid, his teacher asked his parents to
             send a note in explaining his presence.
          He's so cheap, he won't even give anyone a cold.
          His parents couldn't afford a dog, so they got him
          Hello there, tall, dark and obnoxious.
          It's possible that you may be a beautiful person on
             the inside. Unfortunately, it's the outside that
          It's obvious that you have a lot on your mind - too
             bad there wasn't any room left for brains.
          Arguing with you is like trying to blow out a light bulb.
          If I ever said anything nice about you, please cancel it.
          Tell your mother to spit in your face for me.
          I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company because
            it hasn't been before.
          When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your
            death was, I'll say your stupidity.
          Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
          I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but
            this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
          You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people
            hate you.
          Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in
            the world already without your working so hard to give us
          The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might
            hate me as much as I loathe you.
          When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under
          Your ancestors must number in the millions; but its hard to
            believe that so many people are to blame for producing you.
          Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut
            it down.
          I hear that when you were a child your mother tried to hire
            the Mafia to take care of you..
          I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to
            leave you on the front steps of a police station while she
            turned herself in.
          You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion;
            now she believes in infanticide.
          No one should be punished for an accident of birth but you look
            too much like a wreck not to be.
          Yours was an unnatural birth; your parents were human beings.
          You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed for the
            world to suffer........and you came along.
          You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
          I hear the only place you're ever invited is
          I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives
            me displeasure.
          You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been
            able to.
          Your not as silly as you look - you disguise it well!
          If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than
            a penny.
          Don't you have a terribly empty feeling.........
            in your skull?
          You have nothing to fear from my basic instincts; its my
            finer ones that tell me to kill you.
          It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us
            have it.
          I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a
            vulture would refuse.
          I think you should live for the moment. But after that I
            doubt I'll think so.
          Man alive!.......but I wish you weren't.
          I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only
             respect you if you WERE dead.
          I admire your because I've never had the courage it takes
             to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.
          You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury
            ever would.
          You have a face only a mother could love - and even she
            hates it!
          You never strike out blindly; you fail in broad daylight.
          You're a few clowns short of a circus.
                 A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
                 An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
                 A few beers short of a six-pack.
                 A few peas short of a casserole.
          Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
          The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
          A Fruit Loop shy of breakfast
          A few feathers short of a duck.
          All foam and no beer.
          Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
          Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
          He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
          An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
          As smart as bait.
          Your chimney's clogged.
          Doesn't have all her dogs on one leash.
          Doesn't know much but leads the league in nose hair.
          Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
          Her sewing machine's out of thread.
          His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
          Her belt doesn't go through all the loops.
          If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
          Missing a few buttons on her remote control.
          No grain in the silo.
          Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
          The receiver is off the hook.
          Several nuts short of a cache.
          Skylight leaks a little.
          Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
          Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
          A room temperature IQ
          A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
          Single-celled organisms outscore her in IQ tests.
          Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
          She's so dense, light bends around her.
          If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
          So stupid he should be watered twice a week.
          If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
          If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
          It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
          Most drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
          He's off surfing in Iceland.


This is situation contains lists (of course!) .........

 "One of the kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when 
you were growing up ? " 
"We didn't have  fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the 
food was slow."  
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat ?"
             "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "My Mum cooked
every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down  together at the dining
room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit
there until I did like it." 

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer
serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have
permission to leave the table. 

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
figured  his system could have handled it:

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was probably because we never
  had a car. 
I had a bicycle that  weighed about 20 kilos and only had one speed, (slow!).
We didn't  have a television in our house until I was 16. It was, of course,
  black and white. They placed a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen.
  The top third was blue,  like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like
  grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes
  of fire  trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. 
  Some people even taped a lens to the front of the TV to make the picture look
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. 
  Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they
  didn't do that in the movies then.  Anyway, French movies were "dirty" and we
  weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before fast food, you may want to share some of
these memories with your children or  grandchildren.. Just don't blame me if
they bust a gut laughing. 

             Growing up isn't what it used to be!  

             How many do you remember ? 

             Car headlight dimmer switches on the floor.
             Ignition switches on the dashboard.
             Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
             Real ice boxes.
             Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
             Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
             Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

             Older Than Dirt Quiz:   

                Count only the ones that you remember,
                  NOT the ones you were  told about ! 
                    (Rating scores at the bottom)  

             1. The bottle-oh,  the door to door bottle buyer 
             2. The rabbit-oh (not South Sydney!), the door to door rabbit seller
             3. Edible cigarettes (lollies)
             4. Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
             5. Coffee shops or milk bars with table to wall juke boxes
             6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with silver tops the
                first 20ml was thick natural cream.
            7. Party (shared) phone lines
             8. Newsreels before the movie
             9. Pick A Box (Bob and Dolly Dyer)
             10. Shelleys soft drinks
             11. Telephone numbers with a letter prefix (FY 7722)
             12. Peashooters
             13. Chuck Faulkner
             14. 45 RPM records (vinyl)
             15. The Waltons man
             16 Hi-fi's
             17. Metal ice trays with lever
             18. Mimeograph paper
             19 Blue flashbulbs (cameras)
             20. Mark Foys
             21. Roller skate keys
             22. Cork popguns
             23. Drive-in theatres (lots)
             24. H G Palmers
             25. Hoover twin tub washing machine
             26. Steel traffic domes in the middle of intersections.
             27. Traffic Policemen on intersections at peak hour.
             28. You didn't need an appointment to see a doctor.
             29. Wind up toys
             30. Lino
             31. The "iceman" delivering right to the icebox.
             32. Clotheslines and props.
             33. Worn out shoes repaired
             34  Socks with holes "darned" (no, not cursed!)
             35  Sitting around the radio listening to serials (soapies?)
             36. The postman delivering mail to your door - WALKING  
             37. Carpet squares hung over clothes lines and beaten to clean 
             38. Trams
             39. Paper boys and papers for two pence (2cents)
             40. A "bakers dozen"  
             41. Petrol 9 pence a GALLON  (8 cents)
             42. Policemen WALKING the "beat" in pairs.
             43. Playing marbles
             44. Hand me down clothes
             45. Girls wearing 10 or 12 starched petticoats that rustled loudly  
             47. Walking everywhere - school, shopping, theatre, footy etc.
             48. Making your own fun

             If you remember    0-5     = You're still young

             If you remember    6-15   = You are getting older

             If you remember    16-30 = Don't disclose your age,

             If you remember    25-36 = You're older than dirt 

             If you remembered all - you are not of this world!

             "God grant me...
             The senility to forget the people I never liked;
             The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
             And the eyesight to tell the difference."     


     Simply the most common excuses/lies list.

                                 LIES LIES LIES
           "Trust me."
           "The cheque is in the mail."
           "No, I wasn't asleep."
           "Turn the other cheek."
           "This is for your own good."
           "I just want to help people."
           "I cant live without you."
           "You are everything to me."
           "Crime does not pay."
           "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you."
           "Be yourself and others will like you."
           "You really mean something to me."
           "All men are created equal."
           "We are a democratic country and race of people."
           "Justice will prevail in the end."
           "This will NOT be another Vietnam."
           "Assembles in MINUTES."
           "You won't NEED complicated directions."
           "It's just for a couple of WEEKS."
           "It's just like driving a car."
           "I didn't inhale!"
           "8 CD's for $1.99."
           "This will be our last album."
           "We can still be FRIENDS."
           "I'm just here to see the band."
           "I love you, you love me........"
           "You seem like a nice fellow."
           "You deserve more."
           "I'll be right behind you."
           "No worries."
           "She'll be right."


     There are some great tee shirt slogans around the place to be seen
     and it goes without saying that what I consider to be the pick of
     them will not be what some others may pick out.

     Here is my little  list anyway:-

            "Women Dont Live Longer Than Men!
               Its Just When Its Time To Go
                 They're Never Ready"
 "City Folk Never Breathe Air They Cant See"
 "L.A. _ Where Else Can You Jog On A Fault Line?"
 "You'll Find Success is Relative
     The More Success You Have
    The More Relatives You Find"
 "Paranoia - When You Think the Guy in Front is Following You"
 "Everything is on its way to somewhere"
 "There Are 3 Kinds of People in This World,
    Those Who Can Count and Those Who Cant"
 "3 Out of 10 People Suffer With Hemorrhoids
    Does That Mean the Other 7 Enjoy Them?"
 "Is There Life After Death?
   Trespass Here and Find Out!"
     W ashing
     I roning
     F eeding
     E ntertaining
 "I'm tired of playing grown up"
 "I'm So Tough....I Ask Prostitutes For A Receipt!"
 "I'm So Tough....I Use Aftershave....Before!"
 "I'm So Tough....I Kick Sand in My Own Face!"
 "I'm So Tough....When The Taxi Driver Says Where To - I Say Find Out!"
 "I'm So Tough....When They Ask If I Want My Fish Battered
                     I Say No....I'll Beat It Up Myself"
 "Roadworks....Dont Drive on One That Doesn't!"
 "Mess With the Best - Die Like the Rest"
 "We must get together and have some cholesterol"
 "The Best Way To Your Enemies Heart Is Through His Chest"
 "Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"
 "No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
 "Forty isn't old - not if you're a tree
 "The older I get - the better I was"
 "I have PMS - and a hand gun"
 "Stamp Out Crime.  Abolish the Government."
 "Keep Dopes out of Drugs"
 "My Other Car Is a Broom"
 "Happiness Is Your Mother-in-Law's Picture On a Missing Poster"
 "Quit Sniveling You Pommie Bastard"
 "Not All Men Are Fools - Some Men Are Bachelors"
 "Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor"
 "Forget the Whales.  Save the Plankton"
 "Old Skiers Never Die - They Just Go Downhill.
 "So Many Pedestrians.....So Little Time"
 "Dover! The City That Means Well"
 "That's MS. Bitch To You"
 "51% Sweetheart.....49% Bitch"
 "Don't Push Me!"
 "C.P.A. (Certified Pain In The Arse)"
 "Don't Ask Me!"
            "Want to get laid?
       Crawl up a chooks arse and wait"
 "When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left
         And now you're getting on it!"
 "I got this T-Shirt for my husband...
         GOOD TRADE, HUH!"
 "Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic"
              YOU'RE STILL A RAT!
 "I only open my mouth to change feet"
 "Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
 "Join the army, travel the world. Meet new people and kill them"
          #        *MISSING*       #
          #    Husband, Shotgun    #
          #         and Dog        #
          #     Reward for Dog     #
 "Drive defensively, buy a tank"
 "Disarm Rapists"
 "My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma"
 "Black Holes Suck"
 "This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"
 "I'm fat and you're ugly...
  .......I can go on a diet!"
 "I Brake for Hallucinations"
 "Wear Aussie Wool. 300 million sheep can't be wrong"
 "I'm OK.  You're So-So."
 "Time is just nature's way of keeping everything
      from happening all at once"
 "There's no future in time travel"
 "Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery"
 "There are three kinds of people....
     those that can count
     and those that can't"
             =  Of course     =
             =  I don't look  =
             =   as busy as   =
             =   they do....  =
             =  I do it       =
             =   right the    =
             =   first time.  =
 "Scixelsyd Etinu" (read backwards)
 "Jesus Saves ... You Borrow"
 "Lucky Your Mum Was Pro-Life"
 "My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"
 "Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them Up in the Car"
 "Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch"
 "My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student"
 "Don't Laugh, It's Stolen"
 "Floggings will continue until morale improves"
 "My Other Car Has a Radio"
 "Ask Me if I Accept Cash"
 "Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes"
 "Keep Reincarnation Safe and Legal"
 "Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Liberal"
 "You know what this is... You know what to do"
 "Save The Trees - Burn Christians"
 "Elvis Lives"
 "Justice is an Oxymoron"
       ( "Shoot the ATO )
 "Elvis for Jesus"
 "If you have a car phone and are over 18,
       call me at 555-1234;
       only $.95 per minute"

             *        WET PAINT            *
             *                             *
             * (This is not an instruction)*

 "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as
     soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."

           **      ******CAUTION******       **
           **      Make sure the brain       **
           **      is connected before       **
           **      starting the tongue       **

 "Our credit managers name is Ms. Helen Frye.
     So if you want credit, go to Helen Frye."

     *                                                *
     *        IT DOESN'T RETURN TO YOU........        *
     *                                                *
     *          HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!             *

     "I am dreadfully slow yes,
      but I'm way ahead of you!"
 "A Woman's Word is Never Done"
 "Join the Redundancy Club"
 "Honk.....if you want to see my finger"
 "No Grey Matter Here"
 "Sorry, I Don't Date Outside My Species"
 "Buy Defence Force Cookies"
 "Schizophrenics for the Maroons and the Blues"
 "This Too Shall Pass........"
 "Problem with Illiteracy?  Write to Us for Free Help!"
 "If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now!
 "Jesus is the answer.......but what was the question?"
 "Its a short step from the limo to the gutter"
 "The Looser The Skin - The Tighter the Morals"
 "If you love Brisbane, head south"
 "When I get old, I'm going to move up north and drive real slow"
 "Welcome to Queensland.  Now go home"
 "Some of us have to get to WORK"
 "Preachers do it with Amazing Grace"
 "The Difference Between Government Bonds and Men is.....Bonds mature!"
 "Oldie - Rated g"
 "I like snatching kisses, and vice versa.
 "Virginity is like a balloon.  One prick and it's gone.
 "I find it depressing to think that a tapeworm will never see a sunset"
 "Psychoanalysis is quicker for a men than a women - because when it's
    time to go back to childhood, men are already there"
 "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If they're any
    good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats anyway."
 "I'm Not Obnoxious - Just Tact Challenged"
 "This Is The Beginning Of a New Error"
  Protect the easily offended.  Ban everything!
  Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary.
  Archaeologists will date any old thing.
  I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold
  The highway of life is always under construction
  Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
  I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.
  There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
  What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this?
  I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  Don't be humble. You're not that great.
  It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.
  I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.
  I used to be an adult before I grew up.
  Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.
  You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
  If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no brains, but
       if you're still an idealist at 30 you have no head.
  What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
  If its worth doing it's worth doing for money.
  I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
  When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble delegate.
  Mama told me there'd be years like these.
  Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
  Are you making this up as you go along?
  OK then....I accept your assumptions......
          now even a madman seems reasonable!.
  Please LORD let me prove to you that
    wining the lottery will not spoil me.



         Doesn't matter if any threats made are hollow, its amazing
         how many "serious" would be attackers are frightened of by
         a mouthful of counter threats intermingled with some choice
         invectives for added "authenticity".  Saved me a lot of pain
         and unwanted involvement over the years.  The down side is
         if it doesn't work - you'd better be able to deliver or you'll
         look like a fool as well as battered!

         Just a few for examples:

I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a
  passport and a plane ticket back!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!
I'll knock you into the middle of next week
I'll hit you so hard you'll be grey when you get back
There'll be two hits in this - I'll hit you and the ambulance'll hit 60


You know it's a bad day when:
1.  You wake up face down on the pavement.
2.  You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3.  You  call Suicide Prevention and they put you on HOLD.
4.  You see the "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.
5.  Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6.  You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there
    aren't any.
7.  You put on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of the
8.  The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
9.  Your twin forgets your birthday.
10. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize
    that you don't have a water bed.
11. Your horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck, as you follow a
    group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
12. The timer on your coffee maker is set to brew at 8:00 a.m. and you
    forgot to put the coffee pot in the dispenser.


                   How to get along at the office:

                    If it rings, put it on hold;
                    If it clanks, call a repairman;
                    If it whistles, ignore it;
                    If it's a friend, take a break;
                    If it talks, take notes;
                    If it's handwritten, type it;
                    If it's copied, file it;
                    If it's Friday, forget it!


         I was 35 years old when I went into the Real Estate industry
      and I wished I could have been associated with it earlier in my
         I did very well because I believed in the product passionately
      and that of all the non consumable goods on the market, real estate
      buyers would never suffer depreciation or have recrimination (with
      the passage of time).
         I have no idea who wrote the following, but I feel it deserves
      a place here for the list of benefits it describes.

                              WHO AM I
            I am the basis of all wealth, the heritage of the wise,
      the thrifty and the prudent.
            I am the poor mans joy and comfort, the rich man's prize,
      the right hand of capital, the silent partner of many thousands
      of successful men.
            I am the solace of the widow, the comfort of old age, the
      cornerstone of security against misfortune and want.
            I am handed down to children through generations as a thing
      of great wealth and I am the choicest fruit of toil.
            Credit respects me - yet I am humble as I stand before all
      men bidding them to know me for what I really am an to aspire to
      possess me.
            I increase in value through countless days - and though I seem
      dormant, my increase in worth is never ceasing or failing. Time
      and population  assist my gains.
            Fire and the elements I defy, for these cannot destroy me.
      My possessors learn to believe in me as they invariably attract
      envy as my owners.
            While all things wither and decay I survive and the centuries
      find me ever young and increasing in strength.
            I am the foundation of banks, the producer of food and the
      basis of all wealth throughout the world.
            Yet I am so commonplace and taken for granted that many people
      unwittingly will pass me by without knowledge of my importance.

            I AM THE LAND


    Education is a serious subject - but we're not into "serious" here

Seminars - General

Self paced Instruction Courses

H100 Creative Stuttering
H101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
H102 You and Your Birthmark
H103 The Primal Shrug
H104 Guilt Without Sex
H105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
H106 Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Guilt And Fear
H107 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
H108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
H109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
H202 Creative Tooth Decay
H204 Exorcism and Acne
H205 The Joys of Hypochondria
H207 High Fiber Sex
H211 Suicide and Your Health
H212 Biofeedback, and How To Stop It
H220 Skate Yourself to Regularity
H226 Understanding Nudity
H302 Tap-dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
H307 Optional Body Functions

B103 Packaging and Selling Your Child
B104 Career Opportunities in North Korea
B105 How to Profit From Your Own Body
B106 The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Businesses
B112 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
B220 Looters Guide to American Cities

H404 How You Can Convert Your Family Room Into a Garage
H405 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
H406 Burglarproof Your Home With Concrete
H407 Sinus Drainage at Home
H408 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
H410 The Repair & Maintenance of Your Virginity
H412 How To Convert Your Wheelchair to a Dune Buggy
H415 Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance
H416 How To WOK Your Dog

C101 Self-Actualization Through Macramé
C102 How to Draw Genitalia
C103 Needlecraft for Junkies
C110 Gifts for the departed


Self Improvement Seminars for Men


101: How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost
102: Why food is more nutritious than beer

101: Spelling-Even You Can Get It Right
102: The Attainable Goal - Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary
110: How Not to Act Like an Arsehole When You're Obviously Wrong

Environmental Studies
101: Garbage- Getting It to the kerb
102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But in the Bathroom
103: You Can Do Housework Too
104: How to Fill an Ice tray
105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down
106: Your Aim in Life (must be taken with ES 105)

101: How to Stay Awake After Sex
102: Parenting- It Doesn't End With Conception
103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without Drugs If You Really Try
103b: The Morning Dilemma - To Rise or Not to Rise
104: Changing Your Underwear- It Really Works
110: You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
201: The remote control: Overcome your dependency

Leisure Studies
101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost
110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes

100: Combating Stupidity
101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
102: Male Bonding: How to leave your friends at home
103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am
104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children
111: How not to act younger than your children
201: see Health 201
250: Learning Self-Control- How Not to Pick Your Nose in Public

101: YOU- The Weaker Sex
102: Reasons to Give Flowers
105: Romanticism- Other Ideas Besides Sex
210: Male Bonding and temporary survival without your mates

Textiles and Apparels
101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
102: I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please
104: How To Wear Them More Than five times


      Seminars for Women

 General Education:
GE101: The Ups and Downs of Toilet Seats.
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

 Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE101e: Over-Talking - Why chair legs fall off
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to
       Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Marcos Syndrome" (formerly called "How
       Many Feet Do You Have Anyway?")

 Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
       Watching Pub Brawls
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal
       Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life")

 English Education:
SE101a: How to Say "Yes"
SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
SE102a: How to say what you mean
SE102b:  How to mean what you say
SE103:  How to say nothing

    I couldn't leave this one out...............

        Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Bar Swaying.
FAULT:   Impossible to tell
ACTION:  Insert broom handle down back of jacket....

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT:   It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:  Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:   Beer is just right.
ACTION:  Try to remember where you got it from.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: You wake up cold and cant see the walls or ceiling
FAULT:   You slept in the gutter last night
ACTION:  If its not yet pub opening time - sleep in.


Professional hazards list.....

 accountant                discounted
 baseball players          debased
 bed makers                debunked
 bulldozer operators       degraded
 Underwear companies       debriefed  
 cabinet member            disappointed
 Cashier                   distilled 
 clergymen                 defrocked 
 cowboys                   deranged
 detective                 dissolved
 drug addict               disjointed
 dry cleaners              depressed
 editor                    dispelled
 electrician               discharged/delighted
 geologist                 dismantled
 Hamlet                    disdained
 hero                      discouraged                                                 
inventor                  disingenuous
 jockey                    displaced
 Land developer            distracted
 landscapers               defoliated
 Laundry workers           decreased /depressed/ depleted (de lot!)
 lawyer                    distorted/disbarred 
 magician                  disillusioned
 map maker                 disoriented
 Marine drill sarge        disgruntled
 marriage counselor        disavowed
 mathematician             disproven
 mathematician (2)         disintegrated
 medium                    dispirited
 meteorologist             disgusted 
 model                     disposed 
 mountain climber          disinclined
 movie star                didscredited
 Olympic skater            disfigured
 organ donors              delivered 
 perfume maker             dissented
 politicians               devoted. 
 professional mover        dislocated
 prospector                disclaimed
 rock musician             disbanded
 saint                     disgraced
 seamstress                dispatched
 singer                    discord
 software engineers        detested
 songwriters               decomposed 
 steel worker              distempered
 Judge                     disrobed
 thespian                  displayed
 virologist                disinfected
 warlock                   disenchanted


©Ted Middleton 2002.

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