LANGUAGES
-
 The English Language
 A Revealing Short List of Its Quirks

                  ---------------------------

     Let's face it - English is a crazy language...........

     There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
       pine in pineapple.
     English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
     Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
     We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
       that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
       pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
     And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
       groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
       isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose,
       2 meese?   One index, 2 indices?
     Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
       you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
       bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
       call it?
     If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
       vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?    If you wrote a letter,
       perhaps you bote your tongue?
     Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
       asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
       play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
       noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
       parkways?
     

    Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. 
       A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

    How about these for orderly confusion ...........

1) He'd lead me if his legs didn't feel like lead, so I lead him a merry chase.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The garbage collectors had to refuse the refuse.
After riding his horse he was a bit hoarse
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) The bandage was wound around the wound.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) It was time to present the birthday present.
8) It was on that cause that he became coarse
9) I dont want to intimate any intimate details.
10) I object to the object.
11) The invalid had an invalid licence.(??)
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) The roar sounded raw
14) The buck will buck for a buck.
15) The war wore them down
16) The farmer would sow his seeds and the sow would eat them.
17) The wind would wind its way through the streets.
18) Nor was the gnaw mark apparent.
19) I shed a tear when I saw the tear in the seat.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of questions.
21) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
22) The pub was close to having to close.
23) My jaw was number after a number of punches.
24) A bass fish was painted on the head of the bass drum
25) The cat had to pause to lick its paws
         (THERE ARE HEAPS MORE THAN TWO DOZEN ODD!)
 Also.......
     How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
       wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
       while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be
       hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
     Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
       absent (less)? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
             Ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
     Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or
       peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or
       who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
     You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
       house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
       filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
     English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
       creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
     That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
       lights are out, they are invisible. And why is it when I wind up my
       watch, I start it, but when I wind up my writing....... I end it....

-------------------While on the subject of English

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain............

For example
in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replaced either by
"k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that
"which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well
abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali
wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5
doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing
vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai iear 15 or sou, it
wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" --
bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais "ch", "sh",
and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

(see also in "humour" page)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
also, another similar one

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially
the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a
feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications
between Government departments.
European officials have often  said that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough.
What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these
anomalies. The programme would be administered by a committee staffed at
top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy.
Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are
pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed
that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make
words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining
'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.

-------------------more on English

No word in the English language rhymes with month.
None rhyme with orange.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the
  English language.
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins
  and ends with the letters "und."
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous":
  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English
  Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only
  other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopic-
  silicovolcanoconioses, its the plural.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten
  words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there,
  he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.
  No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement
  made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The
  following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced,
  thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after
  falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are
  antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter
  is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order,
  as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Of all the words in the English language, the word set has
  the most definitions

                    ------------------------------


*** Maybe not official English, but certainly a much used
     part of our vocabulary today......

 Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas
  you can communicate with it. Shit may be the most powerful word
  in the English language.

 CONSIDER THIS:
 You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains.

 With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place
  for your shit or decide to do shit-all.

 You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
  shit, have shit, pay shit, wear shit or tell others to eat shit and die.

 You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

 People can be shit headed, shit-brained, shit blind, shit wits, dead
  shits or just shit on.

 Some people know shit all while others cant tell the difference between
  shit and a ham sandwich.

 There are lucky shits, unlucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and mad
  shits.

 There is bullshit, horse shit, cocky shit, chicken shit and mad woman's
  shit all over the place.

 You can throw shit; sling shit, talk shit, catch shit, think shit or
  duck when the shit hits the fan.

 You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve up shit on a shingle.

 There are days when you just couldn't give a shit.

 You can find yourself in deep shit, go like a shower of shit or be
  happier than a pig in shit.

 Some days are colder than shit; some days are hotter than shit and
  some days are just plain shitty.

 Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
  times when you feel like shit.

 You can have too much shit, not enough shit, good shit, bad shit, the
  right shit, the wrong shit, lots of weird shit or even a shit house.

 Strangely, your bedroom can be a shithouse as much as your kitchen or
  your office desk top. The inside of your car can be a shithouse.

 You, your statements, your fashion or your beliefs can all be a load
  of shit.

 You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
  creek - with or without a paddle.  (Oh shit!)

 Sometimes you really need this or that shit and sometimes you dont want
  any shit at all.

 Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you can
  swim in a bucket of shit and still come out smelling like a rose.

 Shit!

 When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building
  block of our language ......... maybe of creation itself.

 And remember - once you know your shit, you dont need to know anything
  else.

                      ----------------------------


             LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE HERE!
             ----------------------------
        Are you harboring a Fugitive?
          HOO YU HAI DING?
        Approach me
          KUM HIA
        Stupid fellow
          DUM GAI
        Small horse
          TAI NI PO NI
        Prices are too high here
          NO BAI DAM TING
        I bumped into a coffee table
          AI BANG MAI NI
        Have you considered a face lift?
          CHIN TU FAT
        You trying to save electricity?
          WAI SO DIM?
        Inquiry to determine if bus is due
          HAO LONG WEI TING?
        Mob Justice
          LIN CHING
        You're blowing your diet
          WAI YU MUN CHING?
        Keep out of water
          NOH WEI DING
        Tow-Away zone
          NO PAH KING
        Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?
          WAI YU SING DUM SONG?
        You are not very bright
          YU SO DUM
        I have a free pass
          AI NO PEI
        I do not deserve the death penalty
          WAI HANG MI?
        How about staying awhile?
          WAI GO NAO?
        Our meeting was for next Thursday
          WAI YU KUM NAO?
        You're suffering from chronic halitosis
          YU BAI PI Kk NAO
        They are approaching
          HIA DEI KUM
        Remain out of sight
          LEI LO
        Cleaning automobile
          WAH SHING KAH
        Premature infant
          TAI NI BEI BI
        Cigarettes are hazardous to health
          NO TSMO KING
        Did someone fertilize the field?
          HU DU DUNG
        Your body odor is offensive
          YU GO WAY
        Midnight television program
          LEI  SHO


                       ---------------------------


English Signs

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
    clothes when the light goes out.
2. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the
   door - the bell doesn't work)
3. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
4. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please
    bring it back or further steps will be taken.
5. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and
    stand upside down on the draining board.
6. OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure - 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence
    do-it-yourself.
7. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
    (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
8. ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before
     Eating.
9. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
   machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
10. OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES:
    The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being
    opened. Open tomorrow.
11. OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out
       for dinner also.
12. SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for
       the next 100 yrs.
13. OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone
       welcome.
14. QUICKSAND WARNING: Any person passing this point will be drowned.
       By order of the District Council.
15. NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH :Due to increasing problems
       with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried
       in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
16. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for
       more than 30 days will be disposed of.
17. ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life
       may not be worth much but our petrol is.
18. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
19. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
20. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
       there is a day care on the first floor.

21. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
      but the bull charges.
22. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how
     to get lessons.
23. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please
       use floor below.

----------------------------------


Signs - Here and There

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
                           container.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought
                          to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full
                                   extent of the law.
                                              --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
On a NYork convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
                 and workmanship.
At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in
                                   multi-packs.
In a window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our
                                           washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10.
                                              They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
                                  you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
                                see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
                               from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water the road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's
                                                   time to wash your car.

-----------------------------------


Real-Life Classified Ads:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.

For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
   other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
         Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
   lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save.  Limit: one per customer.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, reliable and honest.  Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month. References
   required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
Christmas sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.
Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mum will care of your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and
    smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service.  Free pick up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
   never go anywhere again.
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Red Cross
   and salary offered.
Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
         general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing
         to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
   efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequalled in size, unmatched in variety,
   unrivalled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home
   for only $1.00.


                     ---------------------------


	Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

	Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is
	really saying in all those glowing employee work
	performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

	AVERAGE:
	        Not too bright.

	EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
	        Has committed no major blunders to date.

	ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
	        Drinks heavily.

	ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
	        Opinionated.

	CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
	        Still one step ahead of the law.

	UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
	        Will stick with us until retirement.

	QUICK THINKING:
	        Offers plausible excuses for errors.

	TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
	        Conceited.

	TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY:
	        Buys drinks for superiors.

	INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
	        Knows more than superiors.

	STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
	        A real jerk.

	TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
	        Knows when to keep mouth shut.

	APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
	        Finds someone else to do the job.

	A KEEN ANALYST:
	        Thoroughly confused.

	NOT A DESK PERSON:
	        Did not go to college.

	EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
	        Can string two sentences together.

	SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
	        Miserable home life.

	CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
	        Scared.

	METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
	        A nitpicker.

	DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
	        Has a loud voice.

	JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
	        Lucky.

	MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
	        A snob.

	KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
	        Knows lots of dirty jokes.

	STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
	        Stubborn.

	GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
	        A coward.

	SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
	        Stupid.

	OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
	        Turns in work on time.

	LOYAL:
	        Knows no one else wants him.

	ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
	        An office gossip.

	HARD WORKER:
	        Usually does it the hard way.

	ENJOYS JOB:
	        Needs more to do.

	HAPPY:
	        Paid too much.

	WELL ORGANIZED:
	        Is a busybody.

	COMPETENT:
	        Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

	CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
	        Is a crawler.

	WILL GO FAR:
	        We wish.

	USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
	        Watches the clock.

	VERY CREATIVE:
	        Cant follow instructions.

	USES RESOURCES WELL:
	        Delegates everything.

	DESERVES PROMOTION:
	        Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

                 -------------------------------------

DO COLOURS AFFECT OUR FEELINGS
  (Decide for yourself here)

    The following list is of colours in relation to image, feelings,
    mood or status.  Apart from the colour generalisations (gen)
    themselves, all refer to the human head, body or related - and
    seem universally known.....throughout English speaking countries
    at least.

           Aqualung       .........  Diving equipment
           Black..........gen......  Bad/darkness/Death
           Black & blue   .........  Bruised/injured
           Blackbeard     .........  A pirate
           Black browed   .........  Frown/scowl
           Black car      .........  Hearse/mafia/official car
           Blackfoot      .........  American Indian
           Blackguard     .........  Scoundrel
           Black hand     .........  Mafia
           Blackhead      .........  Pore blockage
           Black knees    .........  Religious
           Blackleg       .........  Illegal
           Black look     .........  Angry
           Black man      .........  Negro
           Blackmouth     .........  Slander/insulting
           Blackshirt     .........  Fascist
           Blue...........gen......  Reliable/boy
           Bluebeard      .........  A pirate
           Blue blood     .........  Well bred/royalty
           Blue chip      .........  Solid/reliable
           Blue coat      .........  Sailor
           Blue light     .........  Service area/police
           Blues          .........  Sad songs
           Boys in blue   .........  Police
           Brown..........gen......  Earthy/fertiliser/withered
           Brown nosed    .........  Ingratiating/crawler type person
           Green..........gen......  Go/rotten/inexperienced/envious
                                       /the ecology
           Green around the gills..  Sick
           Greenback      .........  American money
           Green eyed     .........  Monster
           Green grocer   .........  Produce seller
           Greensleeves   .........  A song
           Green thumb    .........  Gardener
           Greenwich      .........  Time
           Grey...........gen......  Aged/overcast
           Grey area...............  Uncertain/unknown
           Grey haired    .........  Ageing
           Pink...........gen......  Young/good health
           In the Pink    .........  Healthy
           Pink faced     .........  Inexperienced
           Pinky          .........  Little finger
           Pink skinned   .........  Young
           Purple faced   .........  Exhausted
           Red............gen......  Stop/danger
           Redback        .........  A spider
           Red belly      .........  A fish/snake
           Red cent       .........  The lowest amount
           Red emperor    .........  A fish
           Red eyed       .........  Distraught/exhausted/inebriated
           Red faced      .........  Embarassed
           Redhead       .........   Red haired
           Redneck        .........  Wild
           Red nosed      .........  Clown or cold
           Red shirt      .........  Communist
           Redskin        .........  American Indian
           White..........gen......  Good/cleanliness/purity
           White faced    .........  Scared
           Yellow.........gen......  Caution/disease
           Yellow belly   .........  Coward
           Yellow man     .........  Japanese
           Yellowtail     .........  A fish

So the word "rainbow" should logically conjure up mixed feelings (?)


(also in "lists" page)


                 -----------------------------------

                           The Elements
                           ------------

They play an important role in our development and survival.

They also play major role in our speech association.

This list is by no means complete (ditto my whole site), but
illustrates how this phenomenon of conversation works and what
indication certain words convey to us.

Some may not even be elements even (I confess!).. but I continue...

Air ................. Uncertainty
Brass ............... Money
Brick ............... Solid
Chrome .............. Pretence
Cold ................ Indifferent/distant
Concrete ............ Unchangeable/firm
Copper .............. Authority
Cotton .............. Understanding
Dark ................ Concealed/sinister
Diamond ............. Genuine
Dirt ................ Low standards
Gas ................. Good
Glass ............... Fragility
Gold ................ Ultimate
Hot ................. Very close
Ice ................. Detached
Iron ................ Toughness
Leather ............. Durability
Light ............... Understanding/hope
Metal ............... Thoughtless
Paper ............... Weakness
Pearl ............... Outstanding
Pebble .............. Insignificant
Plastic ............. Insincerity
Rock ................ Dependable
Sand ................ Nomadic
Silk ................ Softness
Silver .............. Adequate
Steel ............... Resolute
Stone ............... Immovable
Tin ................. Lucky
Warm ................ Close/comfortable
Water ............... Weakness
Wood ................ Unresponsive

                    Over to you for more .......

                 ------------------------------------


  This list is more in the humour vein, but I included
    it here because it highlights (in some cases) the
    language vulnerability to pronunciation mix-ups.

     Medical Terminology explained
     -----------------------------
     Abdomen - What females value
     Acute - Something that's loveable
     Anal - Occurring yearly
     Artery - Study of fine paintings
     Artificial respiration - Induced sweating
     Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
     Barium - What to do when CPR fails
     Benign - After you are eight
     Bile - Evaporate at high temperature
     Bromine - Negro's brother
     Cardiac - Person addicted to gambling
     Cauterise - To make eye contact with her
     Cecum - To look for
     Cell - Convert to cash
     Cerebral - More than one
     Caesarean Section - Ancient Roman district
     Chemo - A casino game
     Cold - Unhot
     Colic - Sheep dog
     Colon - A boys name
     Coma - Punctuation mark
     Congenital - Friendly
     Cramp - To crowd
     Crutch - Something to lean on
     Deform - For de application
     Depress - For squashing
     Diarrhoea - A daily note book
     Dilate - Live long
     Electrogram - Fast telegram
     Endorphin - The product of dead parents
     Enema - Hostile nations, plural
     Euthanasia - Asian teenagers
     Fester - Quicker
     Fibia - A big liar
     Fibula - A small liar
     Flu - Rose into the air
     Genital - Softly
     G.I. Series - Baseball games among American soldiers
     Graft - Illegal money practices
     Gravel rash - Impetuous with gravel
     Grippe - Suitcase
     Hangnail - A coat hook
     Impotent - Cheeky/Impertinent
     Integument - Honesty
     Insect poison - For religious suicides
     Intense - Where army field hospitals are
     Irrigate - To annoy
     Labor Pain - work exhaustion
     Lesion - What a city dog should have
     Loose Stools - Wobbly chairs
     Medical Staff - Doctor's cane
     Minor Operation - Underground diggings
     Misuse - Means "I miss you all"
     Morbid - Higher offer
     Mouth to mouth - Kissing
     Muscle - Kind of shellfish
     Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
     Nitric - After dark magic
     Node - Knew about it
     Organ - A musical instrument
     Organic - Church music
     Outpatient - Person who has fainted
     Pap Smear - Fatherhood insult.
     Pelvis - Elvis Presley's nickname
     Penis - Someone who plays music on a keyboard
     Pore - destitute
     Post-operative - Mail contractor
     Prostate - To lay down flat.
     Protein - In favor of young people
     Rash - Impetuous
     Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
     Rectum - Ruined 'em
     Retention - To make tight again
     Rheumatic - Amorous.
     Scar - Large cigarette
     Scratch -Relief for an itch
     Secretion - Hiding something
     Seizure - Roman emperor.
     Serology - Study of English knighthood
     Sex drive - A visit to a brothel
     Shingles - Roofing
     Sore - Fly high
     Spine - Observing by stealth
     Sprain - Sprinkling
     Sternum - Just joking/having them on
     Stroke - Rub gently
     Syndrome - An outdoor gay convention
     Tablet - Small table
     Terminal illness - Airport sickness
     Testicle - Octopuses arm
     Tibia - More catlike
     Tumor - Extra pair
     Ulcer - Another name for Ireland
     Ultrasound- Rock concert
     Urine - Opposite of "you're out"
     Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
     Vein - Someone whose up themselves
     Vertigo - Upwards

(also in "Humour2" & lists pages)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


	Stock Market Report

	Helium was up, feathers were down.
	Paper was stationary.
	Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
	Knives were up sharply.
	Cows steered into a bull market.
	Pencils lost a few points.
	Hiking equipment was trailing.
	Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
	Weights were up in heavy trading.
	Light switches were off.
	Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
	Nappies remain unchanged.
	Shipping lines stayed on an even keel.
	The market for raisins dried up.
	Coca Cola fizzled.
	Caterpillar stock inched up a cog.
	Sun peaked at midday.
	Balloon prices were inflated.
	Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
	Batteries made a new charge.
	Kite sales hit an all time high.
	Fish sales were floundering.
	Yoyos continue their up and down movement.
	Yachts continued to sink.
	Playground equipment went on a slide.
	Ice machine shares were frozen solid.
	Fencing was closing in on all time highs.
	Windows were breaking all records.
	Javelin sales have seemingly  missed the mark.
	Hunting equipment is under attack.
	Gravel futures are bumping along.
	Airplanes have gone sky high.
	Parachutes seem to be drifting.
	Frog legs took a jump.
	Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.
	Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
	Jazz sales are swinging.
	Cannons balls are simply exploding.
	Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.
	Rubber band sales are tight.
	Suspender highs seem to be sagging.
	Printer sales seem to have a good margin.
	Dryers have been spinning wildly.
	Books have just about recovered.
	Running shorts are now on track.
	Seat belt sales have been constricted.
	Building supplies are going up.
	Glues are just holding their own.
	Candy futures are looking sweet.
	Valium sales are depressed.
	Steering wheels have turned the corner.
	Kitchen utensils are hot stock.
	Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
	The Chewing Gum bubble appears to have burst.
	Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
	Banks are overpriced.
	Bed sheets are selling short.
	Boxer shorts are down briefly.
	Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
	Railroads are now on track.
	Golf carts are about par.
	Sand paper is having a rough time.
	Nails are taking a real hammering.
	Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turn around.
	Bridging Loans are showing some  interest.
	Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is down a hair.
	Lightbulb sales are looking dim.
	Springs are bouncing back.
	Jatz Cracker sales are crumbling.
	The news on energy is just shocking.
	Dryers are spinning out of control.
	Wash machines are just going through their cycles.
	Home scales are experiencing  heavy trading.
	The profits on foods are being eaten away.
	Medical supplies do not look healthy.
	Bricks are holding up nicely.
	Ladders are beginning to climb.
	Card board boxes are packing it in.
	Electric fan share rises are in the wind.
	Tractors are ploughing right along.

                   -------------------------------


Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

  On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
  Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in
  good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union
  contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
  class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from
  enslaved Bovines
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved chooks producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
  (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red
  paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been
  reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal
  enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO  calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas and  Happy Holidays (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD).
  If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration
  with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

-------------------------------

Politically Correct 23rd Psalm

(For those of you who can't remember, the 23rd Psalm is the one which begins
with "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want ...")

The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of
negative need.
He prostrates me in a greenbelt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral
proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-
illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not
be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a
pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of
non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my
beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter
relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their
target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a
permanently open-ended time basis.

--------------------------------

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

"Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the
most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with
respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their
own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;"
...............plus
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1997, but not without due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have
helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color,
religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes."

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional
stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit)

---------------------------

Politically Correct Rudolph

(Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.)

Original:       Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation:    Rudolf was a four-hoofed ungulate,

Original:       Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation:    Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
                            of a maroon lustre.

Original:       And if you ever saw him ...
Translation:    Consequently, if circumstances were to present
                            themselves that he ever came into your view,

Original:       You would even say it glows ...
Translation:    You would most undoubtedly remark as to its
                            illuminating qualities.

Original:       All of the other reindeer ...
Translation:    The multitude of other members of  the population
                   in his ecological community,

Original:       Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation:    Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
                    and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
                    the objective of which was to lower
                    his self-esteem and make him miserable.

Original:       They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation:    They also excluded him from participation in leisure
                     activities consistent with their species.

Original:       Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation:    However, on the twenty-fourth of  December in an
                      unspecified year,

Original:       Santa came to say ...
Translation:    A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
                      western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
                      attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
                      arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

Original:       Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation:    He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
                      nasal characteristic,

Original:       Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation:    To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
                      with the express purpose that he navigate through
                      the nocturnal mist.

Original:       Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation:    At that point, the multitude of other  members
                      of the population in his ecological community
                      who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
                      and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
                      their disposition toward  Rudolph to a more
                            congenial, amicable relationship.

Original:       And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation:    They consequently exclaimed with great
                      exaltation and fervor,

Original:       Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation:    Rudolph, the antlered mammal with  a maroon
                      nasal appendage,

Original:       You'll go down in history!
Translation:    You shall most certainly be recorded in the
                      annals of time and your memory will be preserved
                      for posterity!

------------------------------

	Politically Correct Santa

	'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
	How to live in a world that's politically correct?
	His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
	"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
	And labor conditions at the north pole
	Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
	Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
	Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
	And equal employment had made it quite clear
	That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
	So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
	Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
	The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
	The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
	And people had started to call for the cops
	When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
	Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
	His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
	And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
	Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
	And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
	Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
	So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
	Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
	Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
	Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
	And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
	That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
	Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
	Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
	Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
	Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
	Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
	Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
	Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
	Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
	No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
	Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
	And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
	Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
	For they raised the hackles of those psychological
	Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
	No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
	Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
	Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passť;
	And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
	So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
	He just could not figure out what to do next.
	He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
	But you've got to be careful with that word today.
	His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
	Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
	Something special was needed, a gift that he might
	Give to all without angering the left or the right.
	A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
	Each group of people, every religion;
	Every ethnicity, every hue,
	Everyone, everywhere...even you.
	So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
	"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

	     (c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

--------------------------------------


	How to speak authentic Southern American:


	Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting
	individuality........... "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

	Ast: To interrogate or inquire... "Don't ast me so many questions."

	Attair: Used to indicate the specific item desired.... "Pass me
	                                           attair gravy, please"

	Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines....... "Ah like attair
	                                car, but does it burn a lot of awl."

	BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage:
	                           "My brother bard my pickup truck."

	Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit..... "That gal
	                   cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

	Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith............ "Ah bleeve we
	                            ought to go to church this Sunday."

	Bob war: Barbed metal strands attached to posts on animals enclosures.
	   ...... "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

	Co-cola: The soft drink that conquered the world..... "Ah hear
	                            they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

	Cyst: To render aid.......... "Can Ah cyst you with those packages."

	Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind".....
	                           "Frankly m'dear, I don't give a dayum."

	Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions... "The train hit
	          attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everywhichways.

	Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light..... "Ah
	    reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

	Fart:  An act of total belligerence........ "Ah got mad and offered
	                                              t' fart him"

	Fiddy: Plural of cent.......... "You paid five dollars for that
	                  necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

	Flars: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant....... "If yo
	            wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flars."

	Greeyets: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits......
	   "Ah like greeyets with butter and sawt on'em, but ah purely
	   love'em with red-eye gravy."

	Hale: The biblical opposite of heaven.......Gen'l Sherman said
	                                            "War is Hale"

	Hay-uh: The "here" word........ "Ah was born hay-uh"

	Hep: to aid or benefit..... "Ah can't hep it if ah'm still in
	                              love wit yo."

	Hod: State of difficulty....."It sure were hod fer me do"

	Hot: Noun. A blood pumping organ...."It near broke mah hot"

	Iddinit: Term employed by Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.....
	    ...... "Mighty hot t'day - iddinit?"

	JAWJA - noun. A state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother
	               from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

	Jew: A questio. Usage:..... "Jew want to buy attair comic book,
	      son, or just stan dere and read it here?"

	Kumpny: Invited friends.  Usage:............ "Be home on time.
	                          We's havin' kumpny for supper."

	Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece.... "We
	   better get outta here. That bartender's done called the law."

	Likker: A beverage.  Usage:  ...." Does he ever drink?...wah...
	                     he spill more likker den mose pipple drink.'

	Muchablige: A term of gratitude.  Usage: ..... "muchablige for
	            the lift, misser."

	MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ........"My brother
	        bard my pickup truck, an I aint heard from him in munts."

	Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern...... "He is a classic
	   product of the s'perior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

	O-vair: In that direction..... 'Where's yo maw son?"  "O-vair, suh."

	Phraisin: Very cold......... "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

	RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: ........"I left my ranch in the back
	   of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

	RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage:... "My granpaw retard at 65."

	Retch: To grasp for............ "Retch over and hand me that spanner"

	Saar: The opposite of sweet.......... "These pickles sure are saar."

	SEED - verb, past tense. Usage:... "I ain't never seed New York City"

        Shovelay: A GM car...... "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like
                                  Alan Moffatt"

	Sinner: Exact middle of..."Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

	Spearior: The best............"He was far spearior to his opponent"

	Tarred: Fatigued........... "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' t'nart."

	Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels..... "You cain't change
	          a  tar without a tar arn."

	Thay-uh: The "there" word..............   Ah've been thay-uh"

	Um-urkin: Someone who lives in the United States........... "Thomas
	          Jefferson was a great Um-urkin."

	Zat:  Is that........................ "Zat yo dawg?"


                         -----------------------


   Here are some actual examples of how English is being used in
        different parts of the world:


   In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If
   you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

   In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

   In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
   day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

   In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
   when lit up.

   In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
   wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
   should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
   alphabetically by national order.

   In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front
   desk.

   In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the
   office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

   In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure
   is the job of the chambermaid.

   In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the
   chambermaid.

   In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
   monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
   Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
   except Thursday.

   In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
   corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

   On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing to
   hope for.

   On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
   beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
   duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's
   fashion.

   In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend
   courteous, efficient self-service.

   Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

   In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big
   rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

   Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow
   Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
   These were executed over the past two years.

   In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
   shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their
   workers.

   In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the
   hotel porter.

   A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden
   on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
   instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
   married with each other for that purpose.

   In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
   of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
   be used for this purpose.

   In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the
   latest Methodists.

   A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water has
   been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

   In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
   afternoon having a good time.

   In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
   city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

   Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
   on your own ass?

   On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to
   right.

   In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from
   their own skin.

   On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to work
   throughout its useful life.

   Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

   In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.

   In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a
   foreigner if dressed as a man.

   In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

   In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
   them in all directions.

   On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to
   the USSR, you are welcome to it.

   In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have
   children in the bar.

   At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any
   suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

   In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other
   diseases.

   In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
   water served here.

   In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
   they are best in the long run.

   From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
   conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
   in your room, please control yourself.

   From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
   foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at
   first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
   vigor.

   Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
     - English well talking.
     - Here speeching American.


                        -------------------------


        (Every list needs newspaper headlines.)

            Real Live Newspaper Headlines
            -----------------------------

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN;  POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT  MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT POLICE GROWING UGLY
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN  JAYWALKERS
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES   EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
HOUSE PASSES GAS  TAX ONTO SENATE
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF TASMANIAN COAST
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED  TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
ACTION DRIVEN MINISTER SAYS HE CAN'T STAND PAT
ACCUSED MURDERER  EVADES NOOSE BECAUSE OF HUNG JURY
GOVERNMENT AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT
CHINESE APEMAN DATED
MAN HELD OVER BUSH FIRE
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY
ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD
NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.
GOVERNMENT FOOD SERVICE - FEEDS THOUSANDS -  GROSSES MILLIONS
THINKING PEOPLE ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS   SHOULD BE BELTED
SCIENTISTS TO HAVE MINISTERS  EAR
ILLEGAL ALIENS TO BE CUT IN HALF   BY NEW LAW
10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATRE
MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
CARIBBEAN ELECTIONS - ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
ARMED BANDIT HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS  WHEN OVERPASS IS READY
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
PRESIDENT FORGES MIDEAST PACT
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY
NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION:
DRAMA - QUEEN MARY  BOTTOM SCRAPED
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED MORE BROAD-BASED
ANTIQUE STRIPPER DISPLAYED AT  LOCAL STORE
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTE'S  APPEAL TO POPE
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME   FOR PROSTITUTION
SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMENT
BUST UNVEILED  AT NEARBY SCHOOL
GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM -  FINE FOR SEX ACTS
PANDA MATING FAILS    VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTHS
NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM
PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING  FOR VOLUNTEERS
QUEENSLAND JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
COUNTRY GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP  SERVICE WIDOWS
LOCAL NATIVE IN TROUBLE   WITH HIS PEERS
DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX   WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
 MRS. CARSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS
STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS  FOR PETS, OWNERS
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER  STRIKES  IDLE KIDS
PRESIDENT WINS ON BUDGET,  BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT
AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE
LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR
PITCHER WILL CONCENTRATE ON THROWING GAME
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS GOLFER TO 66
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD   AS PET FISH
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,  CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS  IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME  IN 10 YEARS
COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS   KILLED IN NEW JERSEY
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION  FROM A LOVED ONE
CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY   LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,  IT MAY LAST A WHILE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH  CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS  REQUIRE SOME STUDY  FOR GRADUATION
CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY  FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
SCENT OF FOUL PLAY IN DEATH OF MAN FOUND BOUND AND HANGED
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:  POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,  EXPERT SAYS
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,  FEELINGS OF ISOLATION


                           --------------------


 More funny signs

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
  fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
  you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
  payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
  one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
   However, if you don't, you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,
   come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


                             ---------------------

  High Tech & Computer Sales Jargon List;

NEW -   Different color from previous design
ALL NEW -   Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE -   Imported product
UNMATCHED -   Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY -   Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -   No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN -   The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST! -   Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED -   Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY -   Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY -   Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -   We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY -   It's different from our competitors
BREAKTHROUGH -   We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC -   No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE -   A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE -   Impossible to fix
REDESIGNED -   Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED -   Assembled without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -   Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS -   Ours, not yours
SOLID-STATE -   Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY -   Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY -   We made it work long enough to ship it
NEW BUS COMPATIBLE -   When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION -   Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS -   We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY -   You can return it from most
   airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -   Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES -   We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -   Manufacturer's when he cashes your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED -   Does things we can't explain
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY -   One of our techs. was a sweeper at Boeing


                           ------------------------


         I particularly like this list......


                  A Guide To Understanding Work Reviews
                  =====================================

 says:  'Maintains a high degree of participation.'
 means: 'Comes to work on time.'

 says:  'Excels in the effective application of skills.'
 means: 'Makes a good cup of coffee.'

 says:  'Displays excellent intuitive judgement.'
 means: 'Knows when to disappear.'

 says:  'Displays great dexterity and agility.'
 means: 'Dodges and evades superiors well.'

 says:  'Demonstrates imaginative leadership.'
 means: 'Imagines self to be Ivan the Terrible.'

 says:  'Inspires cooperation of others.'
 means: 'Gets everyone else to do the work.'

 says:  'Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding confrontations.'
 means: 'Ignores everyone.'

 says:  'Is willing to take calculated risks.'
 means: 'Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.'

 says:  'Identifies major management problems.'
 means: 'Complains a lot.'

 says:  'Keeps well informed on business, political, and social issues.'
 means: 'Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.'

 says:  'Is exceptionally well informed.'
 means: 'Knows where all the skeletons are kept.'

 says:  'Delegates responsibility effectively.'
 means: 'Passes the buck well.'

 says:  'Accepts new job assignments willingly.'
 means: 'Never finishes a job.'

 says:  'Optimizes the use of available resources.'
 means: 'Conserves supplies and funds by never doing anything.'


                        -------------------------


An alphabet list..........

                      The Cockney Alphabet!
                      ---------------------

          A for Bid               (I forbid)
          B for Warned            (Be forewarned)
          C for Miles             (see for miles)
          D for Rent              (Different)
          E for Brick             ('Eave a Brick)
          F for Gee               (Effigy)
          G for Get It            (Gee, forget it!)
          H your lunch            (Ate your lunch)
          I for Got               (I forgot)
          J for Oranges           (Jaffa Oranges)
          K for Restaurant        (Cafe or Restaurant)
          L for Leather           ('Ell for Leather)
          M for Sis               (Emphasis)
          N for Lope              (Envelope)
          O for The Garden Wall   (Over the Garden Wall)
          P for Relief            (!!!!)
          Q for Tickets           (Queue for Tickets)
          R for Minute            ('alf a Minute)
          S for My niece          (Esther my niece)
          T for Two               (Tea for Two)
          U for Me                (You for Me)
          V for La France         (Vive la France)
          W for A ride            (Double you for a ride)
          X for Breakfast         (Eggs for Breakfast)
          Y for Bid               (Why forbid?)
          Z for Fun               (Said for fun)


                         -------------------------

         As an example  - and although many consider that Australia has
   been "Americanised", the following very incomplete list of examples
   shows there is a long way to go for this to be absolutely true.

AMERICAN                     Aussie
----------                   ------
absorbent cotton             cotton wool
airplane                     aeroplane
alley                        lane
aluminum                     aluminium
apartment/condo              unit/flat
asphalt                      bitumen
attorney                     lawyer
bar                          pub
Barbie                       Barbeque
bartender                    barmaid/barman
bathroom                     toilet
billion (million million)    billion (thousand million)
birds                        sheilas/skirt/birds
bulletin board               notice board
bum (sl. vagrant)            derro/tramp
bun                          roll (breadroll)
cab                          taxi
call (telephone)             ring
can (metal container)        tin
can                          clink
candy                        lollies
cantaloupe                   rockmelon
cast off                     second hand
cellphone (cell)             mobile phone (mobi)
centennial                   centenary
cigar store                  tobacconist
check                        cheque
cinder (unsealed road)       dirt\metal
city hall                    town hall
check                        cheque
checkers (game)              draughts
clerk (CLIRK)                clerk (CLARK)
closet (clothes closet)      robe
clothes pins                 clothes pegs
cookie                       biscuit
college                       high school
coveralls                    overalls
crackers                     biscuits
crap (sl. rubbish)           bull
curb                         kerb
dating                       going out with/going steady
drapes                       curtains
dead on (sl.)                spot on
diaper                       nappy
diner                        cafe/takeaway
disbarred                    struck off
dock (for ships/boats)       quay
dresser                      wardrobe
drug store                   chemist
dude                         dandy
dumped on                    shit on
efficiency apartment         bed-sitter
elevator                     lift
fall                         autumn
faucet                       tap
fender (of a car)            mudguard
fire department              fire brigade
fired                        sacked
first floor                  ground floor
flashlight                   torch
flip flops                   thongs
for rent                     to let
freight train                goods train
french fries/fries           chips
gasbagging                   chattering
gasoline (or gas)            petrol
garbage dump                 tip
good for you                 good on you
gotten                       got
go to pieces                 go to the pack
guy                          bloke
hock                         pawn
hood                         bonnet
installment plan             hire-purchase
intermission                 interval
janitor                      caretaker
jello                        jelly
jelly                        jam
keep watch                   keep nit
ketchup                      tomato sauce
knock up (get pregnant)      duff
lawyer                       solicitor
line                         que
local taxes                  council rates
locomotive                   engine
long distance (telephone)    trunk/std/isd
loony                        screwy
luggage                      bags
mail                         post/mail
mailman                      postman
mincemeat                    mince
mom (mother)                 mum
movies                       pictures
municipal judge              magistrate
necking                      parking
nuclear (new kew luh)        nuclear (new clear)
newsstand                    paper stand
outlet                       power point
pacifier                     dummy
pal (sl. friend)             mate
parking lot                  car park
pharmacist                   chemist
phone booth                  phone box
picked up (arrested)         pinched
pick - up                    utility
pinky                        little finger
pop                          soft drink
prison guard                 warder
railroad car                 railway carriage
realtor                      real estate agent
root                         barrack
root beer                    ginger beer
rubber boots/rubbers         gum boots/galoshes
rumble seat (car)            dickey seat
safecracker                  safebreaker
sauce                        gravy
sawed                        sawn
scallion                     spring onion
schedule (SKED-JULE)         schedule (SHED-JULE)
Scotch tape                  cellotape
scratch pad                  scribbler
second floor                 first floor
shrimp                       prawn
sidewalk                     footpath
show up (sl. arrive)         show/lob
slot machine                 poker machine (pokie)
Soda/pop                     soft drink
sports vehicle               four wheel drive (4wd)
stand (law court)            dock
stockholder                  shareholder
stool pigeon (sl. informer)  dobber
store (general/convenience)  shop
suspenders                   braces
sweater                      jumper/pullover
takeout (food)               takeaways
theme park                   carnival
traffic circle/rotary        roundabout
trailer(camper)              caravan
trash                        garbage/rubbish
trench coat                  overcoat
truck (motor truck)          lorry
trunk (of a car)             boot
traffic circle               roundabout
TV (sl.)                     telly (sl.)
undershirt                   singlet
vacation                     holiday
vest                         waistcoat
vise (tool, clamp)           vice
washroom/bathroom            toilet
weeners                      cocktail frankfurts/cheerios
windshield                   windscreen
witness stand                witness box
wrench                       spanner
yield sign                   stop sign
z (zee)                      z (zed)
zip code                    post code


     Apart from the above is the accent trap that  exists for the travelling
     relaxed tourist no matter where he comes from or is passing through.
     I'm not the one to speak from experience because I've hardly been
     anywhere ............but I do read quite a bit .........and the best
     example is the following travellers recount ............

       In American restaurants I was asked by the  waitress  "...and would
       you like soup or salad with that?"
       To me it sounded like    "...would you like super salad with that?"
       This  set my imagination off, wondering what a "super salad" might
       be - and together with not wanting to appear ignorant, I instinctively
       replied "Yes please"..........much to the chagrin of the waitress
       who expected a quite different reply.

     And that's what we here in Oz would call "A bit of a difference!"

 (also in 'ozlingo page")

                         ------------------------

       Medical Terminology explained...........


Abdomen          What females value
Acute            Opposite of "Anugly".
Adenoma          What you tell mum when you dont know
Advil            Used to hammer things on.
AIDS             Helpers or Assistants.
Ailing           The art of brewing
Alimentary       What Sherlock Homes said to Watson
Anlly            Occurring yearly.
Anti-Body        against everyone
Aphrodisiac      An African disc jockey.
Artery           Study of fine paintings.
Aspirin          Having high ambitions
Atonic           Goes with your gin
Bacteria         back door to a cafeteria
Barium           what to do when treatment fails
Benign           the next birthday after eight
Bile             Makes water very hot
Blood            A type of Gang.
Bowel            A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.
Bromine          Negro's brother
Bruise           A six-pack.
Buccal           What's on your belt
Cardiac          Person addicted to gambling
Cecum            To look for them
Cell             Convert to cash
Caesarean Section A district in Rome.
Capsule          A space ship.
Cardiology       advanced study of poker playing
Castrate         A panel beaters term
Catheter         String instruments.
Cat Scan         Searching for kitty.
Cauterize        Impressed her
Cerebral         More than one
Chemo            A casino game
Chiropractor     An Egyptian doctor
Chorea           What doctors have.
Clitoris         A type of flower.
Cold             Unhot
Colic            A sheep dog.
Colon            A boys name
Coma             A punctuation mark.
Condom           A block of units.
Congenital       Friendly.
Concussion       A prisoner's sofa pillow.
Constipation     An important U.S. document.
Cramp            To crowd
Crutch           In manual gearboxes made in Japan
Cystogram        A telegram to your sister
Deform           For "de application"
Depress          For "de trousers"
Denial           "De river" in Egypt
Diaphragm        A drawing in geometry.
Diarrhea         Journal of daily events.
Dilate           To live longer
Dildo            Variety of sweet pickle.
Douche           Italian word for "12."
Electrogram      Fast telegram
Elixir           What a pup does to his mother
Endorphin        The product of dead parents
Enema            not a friend
Erection         When Japanese vote.
Euthanasia       Central pacific young people
Femur            Not a Male.
Fester           Quicker.
Fibula           Small lie.
Flu              Rose into the air
Fracture         A number less than one.
Fungi            A maori party bbq
Genes            Blue denim slacks
Genital          Mild
Graft            Illegal money practices
Gravel rash      Impetuous gravel
Grippe           A firm hold
Hair             A quick rabbit
Hangnail         A coat hook
Haemorrhoid       a male From outer space
Herpes           female urine
Hormones         What a wounded prostitute does
Impotent         A VIP
Inbred           Where the sandwich filling is
Inflammation     The rising cost of living
Inpatient        Tired of waiting
Insect poison    For religious suicides
Intense          Where Indians live
Intern           In orderly fashion
Irrigate         To annoy
Jaundice         Accompanied us
Joint            A place/whoopee smoke
Kinesthetics     A study of relatives.
Labor Pain       Exhaustion
Leper            A large spotted cat.
Lesion           A Roman Army.
Loin             Bend to one side.
Loose Stools     Wobbly little chairs
Major            Against your will
Mammogram        A telegram to your mum
Mammary Gland    What you remember with
Manic            leaning toward male
Medical Staff    A doctor's cane
Midwife          Second wife of three marriages.
Migrain          A farmers own wheat
Minor            a coal worker
Miscarriage      A carriage for unmarried women
Misuse           Means "I miss you all"
Morbid           An offer to pay more
Mouth to mouth   Kissing
Mucus            A tune
Muscle           Kind of shellfish
Nitrate          cheaper than the Day Rate
Nitric           Late night magic
Node             knew it all along
Organ            A musical instrument
Organic          Organ repairman
Outpatient       a person who has fainted
Papsmear         Say nasty things about your dad
Paralyse         Two far-fetched stories
Paramedics       Twin medicos
Pasteurise       Across your vision
Placenta         The place in the middle
Pelvis           A nickname for Elvis
Penis            What the doc tells you to do in the little bottle
Pharmacist       A farmers assistant
Platelet         A saucer
Pleural          More than one
Pore             Destitute
Post-Operative   A mail worker
Prostate         Laying on your back
Protein          In favor of young people
Rash             Impetuous
Recovery         An upholsterer's term
Rectum           A wrecking yard term
Respiration      Sweating
Retention        To make tight again
Rheumatic        Amorous
Saline           A yachting term
Scar             Large cigarette
Scratch          Relief for an itch
Secretion        Hiding something
Seizure          Roman leader
Sella            Where you keep wine
Serology         Study of English knighthood
Sex drive        A visit to a brothel
Serum            A barbecue term
Shingles         Roofing
Sore             Fly high
Spine            Observing by stealth
Sprain           Sprinkling
Sternum          Just joking/having them on
Stroke           Rub gently
Syndrome         An outdoor gay convention
Tablet           A small table
Terminal Illnes  An airport sickness
Testes           Small quizzes
Testicles        Octopus arms
Tibia            Catlike
Tolerance        Very long legged ants
Tumor            An extra pair
Ulcer            Another name for Ireland
Ultrasound       Rock concert
Ultrasound       A loud noise.
Umbilical Cord   Part of a parachute.
Urine            Opposite of You're Out
Varicose         Nearby
Vein             Someone whose up themselves
Vertigo          Upwards
Vitamin          What you do when friends visit
Weak             Seven days.


                  -----------------------------------

  Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New
  Zealanders are saying?    Just by observing the following, you
  can learn to hold a conversation with a Kiwi.

  What you hear and what it really means:

  BED : The opposite of good
  BEG : As en "A Bug beg of buskets"/a container for lollies etc.
  BETTING : "Betting" gloves are worn by betsmen in crucket.
  BID : A place where you sleep
  BRIST : Part of the human enetomy between the "nick" and the "billy"
  BUGGER : As en "mine is bugger than yours".
  CHILLY BINS : (Jelly beans)
  CHULLY BUN : Also known as an icebox or Isky
  COLOUR : Person with no respict for life.
  CUSS : What people do with their leps.
  DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
  DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.
  EKKA DYMOCKS : University teachers and students
  ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria",
               "E-Jupp" and "Libernon".
  ERROR ROUTE :Es un "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
  FEAR LEP : NZ's famous racehorse (also "PHILLIP"!)
  FITTER CHEENEY : A type of long flet pesta not to be confused
                   with "Rugger Tony".
  GUESS : Flemmable vapour for stoves.
  IGZECT : Spot on
  ILL ECK TRUCK : What encan dessant lemps are
  JEPPEN EASE : People from Jeppen
  KEBBIN : Small room found (or lost!)on a shep
  KERRY VEN : Holiday accomodation towed behind a car
  MERRY : Holy metrimony.
  OMLIT : Made with iggs
  PETTY : What we should fearl for the liss fortunet
  SENDLES : Thongs, shoe with streps
  SHUP : A beg boat run by a "Keptin"
  TID : Short for "IDWOOD"
  TIN : One more than nine

                  ----------------------------------


    Although many consider that Australia has been "Americanised", the
     following (very incomplete) list of examples shows there is a long
     way to go for this to be absolutely true.
            (This list is included in the OZLINGO chapter also)

AMERICAN                     Aussie
----------                   ------
absorbent cotton             cotton wool
airplane                     aeroplane
alley                        lane
aluminum                     aluminium
apartment/condo                    unit/flat
asphalt                      bitumen
ass                          arse
attorney                     lawyer
bar                          pub
Barbie                       Barbeque
bartender                    barmaid/barman
bathroom                     toilet
billion (million million)    billion (thousand million)
bulletin board               notice board
bum (sl. vagrant)            derro/tramp
bun                          roll (breadroll)
cab                          taxi
call (telephone)             ring
can (metal container)        tin
can                          clink
candy                        lollies
cantaloupe                   rockmelon
cast of                      second hand
centennial                   centenary
cigar store                  tobacconist
check                        cheque
cinder (unsealed road)       dirt\metal
city hall                    town hall
check                        cheque
checkers (game)              draughts
cladding (for house walls)   siding
clerk (CLIRK)                clerk (CLARK)
closet (clothes closet)      robe
clothes pins                 clothes pegs
cookie                       biscuit
coveralls                    overalls
crackers                     biscuits
crap (sl. rubbish)           bull
curb                         kerb
drapes                       curtains
dead on (sl.)                spot on
diaper                       nappy
diner                        cafe/takeaway
disbarred                    struck off
dock (for ships/boats)       quay
dresser                      wardrobe
drug store                   chemist
dumped on                    shit on
dude                         dandy
efficiency apartment         bed-sitter
elevator                     lift
fall                         autumn
faucet                       tap
fender (of a car)            mudguard
fire department              fire brigade
fired                        sacked
first floor                  ground floor
flashlight                   torch
flip flops                   thongs
for rent                     to let
freight train                goods train
french fries                 chips
gasbagging                   chattering
gasoline (or gas)            petrol
garbage dump                 tip
Dating                       Going out
good for you                 good on you
gotten                       got
go to pieces                 go to the pack
hock                         pawn
hood                         bonnet
installment plan             hire-purchase
intermission                 interval
janitor                      caretaker
jello                        jelly
jelly                        jam
keep watch                   keep nit
ketchup                      tomato sauce
knock up (get pregnant)      duff
lawyer                       solicitor
line                         que
local taxes                  council rates
locomotive                   engine
long distance (telephone)    trunk/std/isd
loony                       screwy
luggage                      bags
lumber                       timber
mail                         post
mailman                      postman
meatloaf                     rissoles (mince)
mincemeat                    mince
mom (mother)                 mum
municipal judge              magistrate
necking                      parking
nuclear (new kew luh)        nuclear (new clear)
newsstand                    paper stand
outlet                       power point
pal (sl. friend)             mate
picked up (arrested)         pinched
pick - up                    utility
pharmacist                   chemist
phone booth                  phone box
pop                          soft drink
prison guard                 warder
railroad car                 railway carriage
realtor                      real estate agent
root                         barrack
root beer                    ginger beer
rubber boots/rubbers         gum boots/galoshes
rumble seat (car)            dickey seat
safecracker                  safebreaker
sauce                        gravy
sawed                        sawn
scallion                     spring onion
schedule (SKED-JULE)         schedule (SHED-JULE)
Scotch tape                  Sellotape
scratch pad                  scribbler
second floor                 first floor
sidewalk                     footpath
show up (sl. arrive)         show/lob
slot machine                 poker machine (pokie)
Soda/pop                     soft drink
stand (law court)            dock
stockholder                  shareholder
stool pigeon (sl. informer)  dobber
store (general/convenience)  shop
suspenders                   braces
Sweater                      jumper/pullover
takeout (food)               takeaways
theme park                   carnival
traffic circle/rotary        roundabout
trailer(camper)              caravan
trench coat                  overcoat
truck (motor truck)          lorry
trunk (of a car)             boot
traffic circle               roundabout
TV (sl.)                     telly (sl.)
undershirt                   singlet
vacation                     holiday
vest                         waistcoat
vise (tool, clamp)           vice
washroom/bathroom            toilet
wieners                      cocktail frankfurts/cheerios
windshield                   windscreen
witness stand                witness box
wrench                       spanner
yield sign                   stop sign
z (zee)                      z (zed)


                       ---------------------------

This illustrates the confusing spelling/pronunciation we encounter in
our English language. Nicely done too...
(I included this in the "other poetry" section as well)


Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: itís said like bed, not bead;
For goodnessí sake, donít call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat.
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.

Anonymous

(also in "oppoetry"page)

                      ------------------------------


©Ted Middleton 2000.

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