HUMOUR 3
-



From the mind of Steven Wright:...

"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note...
  it's a start!"

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's 
the famous erudite scientist who once said:... 
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen 
   and replaced by exact duplicates." 

He sees things differently than most of us. Here are some of his 
other gems:... 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts 
     feel so good.

6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

7 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets 
      the cheese.

10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me 
       before we met.

11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously 
       overlooked something.

14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be 
       lazy. 

17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

18 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

19 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made 
       your horn louder."

22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you 
       tried. 

24 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

25 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you 
       need it. 

26 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of 
       the bread.

27 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from 
       many is research.

28 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

29 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to 
       catch up.

30 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required 
       to be on it.

31 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

32 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

And the all-time favourite  

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your 
       headlights work?       



                        ---------------------------


 Gods book contained no humour whatsoever - but then....He didn't
  write it really.  Maybe had people other than those who did
  write them write them (does that make sense?)....... maybe they
  may have been written differently - because we all see things
  differently - dont we .........................no?


--------------------------------------------



              The Book of Creation
              --------------------

Chapter 1


1

In the beginning God created Dates.

2

And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.

3

And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work;
....for verily, this was the beginning of the working week and He had a
Big Job to do.

4

And God made pottery shards and Silurian molluscs and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux.

And that was that, for the first Work Day.

5

And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth;    but not too deep.

6

And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.

7

And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

8

And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
was that.

9

And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea.

And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six;
and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests
yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he
Resources;         and he made them Abundant.

10

And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from
the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance.

11

And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
Wednesday.

12

And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet,
or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one
be of a separate species.

"For lo, I can make whatsoever I liketh, whensoever I liketh " said He

13

And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small,
with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins
and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.

14

But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.

15

And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law.
And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the
creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate
the dinosaurs....... and God was pleased.

16

And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took
every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
fossils; and cast he them about likewise.

17

And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt, God
created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.

18

And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
put in another good day's work.

19

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys.......
which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
hairy.
And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of
the air and every species, endangered or otherwise.

20

So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.

21

And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you ideas.

22

And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given
also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall
be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of
cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be
wedded unto Turf.

23

And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said,  "It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish.
Had I created a Public Service first and let them do this it could have
taken billions of years".

24

And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet,
God said, Thank me it's Friday.

And so God created the weekend.

Chapter 2
---------

1

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five days, and
all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it not, in a
sling shalt thou find thy hindermost quarters

2

Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the Sea and
the scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the breath
of life right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.

3

And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the man was free
to play. And this was the Free Play of the Marketplace.

4

And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees: the Tree of
Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of Happiness Tree, and the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex.

5

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my Law, which is
called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of Life,
Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for thyself a
fortune.
For what fruit thou eatest not, thou mayest sell, and with the seeds
thereof expand thy operations.

6

But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest not eat;
nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its
operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed.

7

And the man was exceedingly glad. But he asked the LORD God: Who then
shall labor in this Marketplace? For I am not yet skilled in management,
being tall and well-formed and pale of hue?

8

And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the potential
which is Executive even.

9

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and
every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labor for him.
And they labored for peanuts so it goeth.

10

Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto the LORD
God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the Marketplace of the LORD, and
have cheap labor in aplenty; but to whom shall I sell my surplus fruit
and realize a fortune thereby?

11

And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.

12

And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took from him one of
his ribs, which was an "spare" rib.

13

And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he
woman.

14

And he brought her unto the man, saying:

This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall realize a
fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth, wherefore she
shall be called the consumer.

15

And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the neck
even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.

Chapter 3
---------


1

Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the
field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman,  Why has
thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human,
even as the man is human?

2

And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath
ordained that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he
telleth me to do; for is he not the Man?

3

But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto the
woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential?
For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his
flesh?

4

And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God clad us
decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that we eat
of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?

5

But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into her
very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believeth thou
 me ........it feeleth good!

6

And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex,
that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her
teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he too sank his
teeth therein.

7

And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were
not naked.

8

And the woman loosened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise
loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man then
loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their garments
both ....... and likewise of their minds.

9

And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did rock
to and fro......fro and to;

10

And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play
upon a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon the
ground in an hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was like
unto four voices:   "She loveth you, yeh, yeh, yeh".

11

And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the man
and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit there
abominations.

12

And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the herb
bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth them ideas,
even as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit new
abominations.

13

Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, with
his dog Pogo; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new
abominations, the LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their
hindermost quarters.

14

And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Whyfore art thou naked?
And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work? For have
 I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part of the
woman to consume whatever he produceth?

15

And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle.

16

Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast thou
eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee thou shouldst not eat?

17

And the man said, "The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me do it."

18

And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has done? And
the woman said, "The snake in the grass made me do it"

19

And the snake in the grass said, "The devil made me do it."

20

And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an permissive
beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon thy belly, and be made
into belts and boots and handbags for society when I createth it.

21

Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in the
grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be thy
lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by
demons who shall tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be:
such as an warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or a driver of cars.

22

And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee,
here after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by
longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall.

23

And above all this, since thou hast desired to taste of the fruit of the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee.
From generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot after thee
as thou passest; yea, and some women also!

24

And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the voice
of the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou
wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the Marketplace and
the Free Play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the Trees
of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness tree.

25

In the sweat of thy face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy shall
be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big
Government; for thou has sinned.

26

And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall
be as a curse upon thee and thy generations; and thy loins shall be a
trial to thee.

27

For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member
rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among thy fellows, likewise
shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the people to
preach unto them in my name, shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto
thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest to
thy wife shall thy member wither and rise up not.

28

And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to leave
them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife Eve,
saying,  "Knowest thou something?   Mine only hope is this: That someday,
ye have children who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me.

And so it was..............................

------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This follows.......... for those wishing to go to heaven:

The Temperature of Heaven

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.

Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be
as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days."

Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the
Sun and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun
........ or 50 times in all.

The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we
receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ...

The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat
lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e.,
Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.

Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the
absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).

The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations
21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in
the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."

A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below
the boiling point of rock.... 444.6C.

We have, then established that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

                      -----------------------------


    A man asks God, "How long is a million years to you?"
          God replies,    "A second."
          The man asks,   "How much is a million dollars to you?"
          God replies,    "A penny."
          Finally the man
          asks God,       "Could I have a penny?"
          God replies,    "Sure, just a second..."

                 -----------------------------------------

 *       A man who smelled like a brewery flopped onto a bus
             seat next to a Catholic priest.  The man's tie was stained,
             his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a near empty
             bottle of liquor was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

             This unkempt drunk opened a newspaper and began reading.

             After a few minutes the dishevelled drunk man turned to the
             priest and asked,   "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

             The revolted priest answered ...."My son, it's caused by
             loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much
             alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

             "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning
             to his paper.

             The priest, thought about what he had just said and
             felt a great remorse because of it.  Wasn't this man
             one of God's flock no matter what?   Wasn't this man
             in need of help - and isn't it part of his calling and God's
             wish that he help such men?

             The priest turned to the man to apologize...........
             "I'm very sorry my son, I didn't mean to come on so
             strong.      How long have you had arthritis?"

            "I don't have it, Father" he replied. "I was just reading
             here that the Pope does."

                            ---------------------------


Lonely Adam
	-----------
	One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
	to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

	"What's the problem, Adam?",  God replies.

	"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
	me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
	I'm just not happy."

	"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

	"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
	food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

	"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create
        a 'woman' for you."

	"What's a 'woman', Lord."

	"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
	beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
	that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will
        be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and
        how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens
        and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and
	desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", said the Lord.

	"Sounds great Lord."

	"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

	"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam asked.

	"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear,
	your left big toe and two nose hairs."

	Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
	concern on his face. Finally he says to God, "Please Lord, what
	can I get for just a rib?"

	And the rest is history................


                 ----------------------------------



Nothing like a bit of "twisted" humour.......

To chanting......

	           The 23rd Pound
	           --------------
     Our appetite is our shepherd; We'll always want.
     It maketh us sit down to stuff ourselves.
     It leadeth us to our frig repeatedly.
     It taketh us on the path to Hungry Jacks for a Whopper.
     And destroyeth our shape.
     Yea, though we know we gaineth, we cannot stop
     For the food tasteth so good.
     The fries and the onion rings, they comfort us
     When the table is spread before us , we exciteth lots
     For we know we shall soon dig in.
     As we filleth my plate continuously,
     Our clothes shrinketh up.
     Surely our bulges and pudgies shall follow us all the days of our life
     And we shall be "pleasedly plump" forever.

	Eh men

-----------------


          Religious zealots or leaders cant escape the "dreaded lists"
        .......and I know they wouldnt have it any other way (!)

                       HOLY BLOOPERS
                       -------------

The tradition of holy howlers popping up in religiously related documents
continues undimmed.  Witness the following sampling of bona fide bloopers
culled from various church bulletins and orders of service


-The ladies of the church have cast off  clothing of every kind, and they
can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the
church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

-The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

-The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
 sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay
 an egg on the altar.

-The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

-Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

-Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving
milk, please come early.

-Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

-On a church postcard:
	[] I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
	[] I would like a personal call.

-Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say, "hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.

-A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

-Today's sermon:
	HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?
		with hymns from a full choir.

-On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:

				GOD IS GOOD
                         But Dr. Hargreaves is better


-------------------------------------

                 QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
                 ------------------------

If you have sex with a prostitute and WONT PAY, is it considered rape 
or shoplifting?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered 
assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny 
for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were 
buried in for eternity?


What disease did cured ham actually have IN THE FIRST PLACE?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be 
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why do people pay to go UP tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things DOWN on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call 
it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at 
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the 
window?


------------------------------------------------------------------------




	To Genesis.......

	   How Shit Happens
	   ----------------


	In the beginning there was a Plan.
	And then came Assumptions.
	And the Assumptions were without form.
	And the plan was without substance.
	And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
	And they spoke among themselves, saying

	"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks".

	And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said

	"It is a pale of dung, and none may abide to the odour thereof".

	And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying

	"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such
	 that none can abide by it".

	And the Managers went unto their Directors saying

	"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".

	And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another
	  "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".

	And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them

	"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".

	And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him

	"This new Plan will actively promote growth and vigour of this
	 company, with powerful effects".

	And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.

	And the Plan became Policy.

	..................This is how shit happens.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Shopdroppers Prayer
	-------------------
	Our Shopping
	We do with passion
	Hallowed be the game
	My purchases come
	I am not done
	In Myers
	Nor am I in DJ's
	Give me each day my shop sales
	And forgive me this overdraft
	As I forgave he who paid out my last
	Lead me not into K Mart
	And deliver me from Woolworths
	For spending is my mission
	My dream and my purpose
	For ever with Mastercard

	AMEX
                        ----------------------------

ADAMS Cat

       It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
       was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls!

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.
Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much You love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will
know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And
Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this
new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will
call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him
forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.

------------------------

	A Prayer

	Dear God,

	So far today,
	I've done all right.
	I haven't gossiped.
	I haven't lost my temper.
	I haven't lied or cheated.
	I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
	    selfish or overindulgent.
	I'm very thankful for that.

	But in a few minutes, Lord,
	I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
	because I'm going to get out of bed.........

	Amen

                        ----------------------


 In the Beginning ...

God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted
a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and
desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project
in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no
smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building
permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night".

Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed".

The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters
bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly
over the earth".

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of
Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in
Six days. Officials said it would take around 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.



                                   oooo00000oooo

        In the movies...........

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside
her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or
Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noise in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will
alway say:  "Enter password now."

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total
opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak
to each other in English.

                                   oooo00000oooo

Getting Old at Work

    What happens when people of different occupations get old?

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old journalists never die, they just get depressed.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off
their metal coils.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on.

Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

                                    oooo00000oooo


             Stay Out of the Dorms

   On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
   pointing out some of the rules.

   "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
   students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

   Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the
   first time."

   He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
   time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur
   a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

   At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
             "How much for a season pass?"

                                  oooo00000oooo


      Salesman:  "This computer will cut your workload by 50%"
Office Manager:  "That's great, I'll take two of them!"


  I said:  "Dad, could you take me to the zoo
Dad said:  "No, you wait here till they come for you?


Mine wasn't a happy childhood...........
My mum used to dress me up as a fire hydrant and
dad would then take me to a dog show'

                               ooooo00000ooooo


An American/Irish woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for
   her Christmas Cards.

"May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" she asks

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this now?
  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Methodist, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist."

                               ooooo00000ooooo


             Here's a funny LIST for all Lexophiles (Lovers of words!)                                           (Lovers of Words)

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
A backward poet writes inverse
In democracy it's your vote that counts .....
     In feudalism, it's your count that votes
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress
Show  me  a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
     you A-flat minor
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
     Linoleum Blownapart
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory which was never developed
A plateau is a high form of flattery
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
     medium at large
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought
     she'd dye
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Note:
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a
large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.

                                 oooo00000oooo


      (This would have qualified also as a "list".)



                   SAYINGS YOU MAY HAVE WANTED ON YOUR SHIRT



      1) The sex was so good that even the neighbours had  a cigarette.

      2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every  minute of it.

      3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend  on Me!

      4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal  to kill them.

      5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

      6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out  alive.

      7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk  to me.

      8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

      9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

      10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

      11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

      12) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

      13) I want to die in my sleep, like my  grandfather... not screaming
            and yelling like the passengers in his car.

      14) God must love stupid people; He made so many of  them.

      15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

      16) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to  get you.

      17) I took an IQ test and the results were  negative.

      18) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

      19) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

      20) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

      21) Call me a Proctologist Because I Work With Arseholes!

      22) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an  8-year old)

      23) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I  Wanted to
           Be When I grew up"

      24) "Procrastinate..... Now"

      25) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

      26) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"

      27) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want
          Fries With That?"

      28) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
           (On a baby-size  shirt)



      29) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything
           I've been doing since I was 15"

      30) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

      31) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.
           It comes bundled with the software."

      32) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

      33) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

      34) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
           cash advance"

      35) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

      36) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

      37) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
           already taken"

      38) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
           dead"

      39) "Time is fun when you're having flies"
          ...Kermit the Frog

      40) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN . Cops have
           nothing to go on."

      41) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired.
           Dropped  once."

      42) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE
           IN  GOSH"

      43) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken,
           a  lifetime Commitment for a pig."

      44) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY
           Set your watch back 20  years."

      45) "The trouble with life is there's no background
           music."

      46) "The original point and click interface was a
           Smith & Wesson."

      47) "My husband and I divorced over religious  differences.
           He thought he was God and I didn't!"

      48) My reality check bounced.

      49) DAISY AIR RIFLES. Keeping kids of your lawn
          for 100 years!


                                            oooo00000oooo

                    BILLY

A city boy, Billy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
  old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
  the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have
  some bad news, the donkey died."

Billy replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Billy said, "OK, then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Billy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer replied, "You can't sell tickets for a dead
  donkey!"

Billy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
  dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Billy and asked, "What happened
   with that dead donkey?"

Billy boasted, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
   apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain?" the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won." Billy said. "So I refunded him his two dollars."

(Billy grew up and was the founder of Microsoft!)


                                            oooo00000oooo




©Ted Middleton 2006.

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