Around 1990 I had a small hernia attended to at
      the Cooroy Private Hospital (Sunshine Coast).

   My wife Eleanor dropped me to the hospital around 6am  Thursday
   morning and the plan was food or water 12 hours before
   the op. - op. done at eleven am approx. - recovery by 2pm - and
   discharge if all is well by 6pm.    I suggested to El that she
   ring me around 4pm and check what time I was being discharged

   So simple .....but alas .....the best plans can go astray.

   For some reason unknown, I was not taken to the op. theatre till
   around 1pm. I awoke with no discomfort around 2.30pm with a nurse
   gently shaking me and telling me everything went well and not to

   I wasn't alert enough to wonder why she didn't want me to speak, so
   I just laid there contemplating how glad I felt the hernia repair
   was over and done with.

   I'm not sure how long I lay there before this young nurse burst
   in with a cordless phone in her hand and said "Your wife is on
   the phone" ........and handed the phone to me.

   Now you would have to have been under anaesthetic before to
   know this....your mind is OK but your tongue doesn't co-operate
   for a while after.

   I grabbed the phone..........I knew exactly what I wanted to say,
   but it all slurred out of control as I said it.

   There was silence on the other end ......then Eleanor said to me
   "Ted, have you been drinking?"

       (Life is not funnier than comedy IS comedy)


 This is an  "old"  relaxation technique that has worked
    for me thru the years. I'm happy to share it with you.
  Try it whenever someone is stressing you out........ it
   will make you feel good.       (seriously good!)

Lets start..........
Lay down and close your eyes. and out.
Feel yourself loosening up and the tenseness subsiding.
Concentrate on your deep breathing and relaxing.
Now I want you to picture yourself near a bubbling stream.
Birds are softly fluttering and chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here..... this is your secret valley.
No one knows this place.
You are in total seclusion from that bustling place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall nearby fills the air with a
  cascade of serenity and peace.
The water is pleasantly cooling and visually clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding
  under the water.
Why look!'s the person who caused you all this stress and suffering
  in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise!
You let them come up - just for a quick breath... then ploop! ...back
  under they go........
You are impervious to their struggle and panic for air as you allow
  yourself as many deep relaxing breaths as you feel you want.
You are in complete control...............

There now.............. aren't you feeling much better right now?


   *It seems I never forgot my favourite funny man Groucho Marx!

We were living at Waterford around 1982.  I was at my favoured station
(the billiard room bar) when there was a knock on the door.

My youngest daughter Melissa, who was 7 years old and the model of
curiosity and bubbling assistance, excitedly asked me could she answer
the door for me - and I said  "I consent".

After I had explained what "consent" meant, she rattled away at the rate
of knots to see who it was at the door.

Several moments later she appeared at the bar and said "Daddy, there's
a man at the door with a moustache"  My reply was spontaneous .........

"Tell him I've got one!"

(Thankyou Groucho, wherever you are)

       * The clothes that 'make' the woman, usually 'break' the man.
       * Why haven't they invented an ejector seat for a helicopter pilot ?
       *     Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts?
                    The rest drive Rincolns and Chevorays.
       *          It was so cold last week that I saw several
                  solicitors with their hands in their own pockets.

                       He aint drunk, who from the floor
                       Can rise again to drink some more
                       But he IS drunk, who ON the floor
                       Cannot drink a little more.

       *   I reckon that a man with a wife of forty should be able to
           treat her like a bank note, and exchange her for two twenties.
       *   The only licence that doesn't expire or need renewing is a
           marriage licence.
       *  Student: "Sir - do you think it's fair to punish people for
                    something they didn't do ?"
          Teacher: "Certainly not - why ?"
          Student: " I didn't do my homework !"
       *  Teacher : John, what's the formula for water.
             John : H I J K L M N O
          Teacher : That's not right, where did you get that.
             John : From you sir - you said it was H 2 0
        * Terrifying when your wife starts to look like your mother in law.
........  I was there.

           When I was a kid, I always marvelled at the quick wit some 'wags'
           had and the delivery that made it seem even funnier.

           Living only 1 km from the CBD of Sydney, it was quite normal to
           come across someone you knew while doing your shopping or just
           idly passing through.

           I was around thirteen and on this particular day, having nothing
           better to do, I was 'wandering' around the city shops and entered
           Gowings Department Store, a clothing store that spawned the
           local saying,  "Gone to Gowings" .........anyway........

           I saw and said hello to this young girl I knew. She was alone
           as well and we decided to 'travel' a while, together. She was
           looking for a new 2 piece swimsuit and had seen one in the front
           window that she'd fancied.   So she found an 'elderly' (over 25)
           shop assistant and said " I would like to try on the white 2
           piece costume in the front window".

           The shop assistant, quick as a flash replied "OK, but dont
           start changing 'til you see me in the front row outside on the

           She told me I had a weird sense of humour for laughing!

           Many of the jokes I have heard over many years reminded me in
           some way of my personal experiences. True of many people.

           People who take offence to a particular joke, seem to me to do
           so because they are wounded souls craving sympathy.

           You know nothing about their aversion to a particular joke until
           you tell a joke and they insist telling you why they object to it
           and how they feel.

           Some even have this strange expectation that they deserve an
           apology for whatever was said in jest.

           I suggest an apology should only be considered according to the
           size of the person demanding it - then get out of there pronto,
           cause things wont improve with your staying there.


                 A woman went to see a doctor
                               "Doctor, I'm in terrible pain all over."
                    Doctor:    "Show me where,"
                            The woman put her finger on her knee
                               "Ohhh, right there!"
                            Then she  put her finger on her chest
                               "Ouch, right there!"
                            Then she put her finger on her stomach,
                               "Owww, right there!"
                    Doctor:    "You're not by any chance Irish, are you?"
                 The woman:    "Why, yes - how did you know"
                    Doctor:    "You've got a broken finger."


           If you have a 'selective' sense of humour, then you will be
           pleased to know many people do ......and they're as easily
           offended as you are.

             "I was so ugly when I was born the doc didn't know which
             end to slap".

             "So ugly in fact - he slapped my mother"

.......... I only played golf 7 times in my life and that included once
           with my wife, who I felt quite superior with, having played
           twice before and this being her first game. It turned out she
           wasn't bad at all for her only outing.

           I recall my last time on the course with a friend who invited
           me to join him for a "game".

           My first two strokes were OK, but my third involved a ball that
           had landed in the rough and settled in a slight divot.  Many
           times I had practised at the local driving range and had become
           quite confident and proficient - from a tee or flat surface.

           But in the 'real' test, my ball was now in a rut.

           I swung lustily - and missed the ball three times. I was in a
           real bind as I prepared to play a fourth shot at it.

           An older man, who I had noticed watching me from the corner of my
           eye after the second swing walked over and explained several
           helpful things to me that I really didn't pay much attention to
           because by now I was so mad with myself, I just wanted to show
           this blasted little white ball I could outsmart it.

           I took another quick (huge) swing....... AND MISSED AGAIN.

           The elderly gentleman said "Just relax - practice and go through
           the motions without actually hitting the ball" he said.

           By this time I was pretty mad at myself and replied ...." That's
           what I'm doing now isn't it?".

           He laughed uncontrollably before I saw the humour and joined in.


.........  I laugh now when I look back at some of the "fronts" we used to
           put on as kids and maybe you can also - if you're not too serious
           about your own self importance.

           * First, it was a "fact of life" that males were superior - both
           physically and mentally - to females.

           Secondly every male believed he was superior to all other
           males, his elders - and his parents in particular.

           Every young male accepted that all others had faults - apart
           from himself - and it was noticeable any old time, that others
           didn't show him the respect he "knew" he was due.

           He was also the most intelligent, bravest and coolest fighting
           "legend" in his own time and mind.

           Girls had to be inferior - boys were bigger, stronger and engaged
           more often in the important things like heavy contact "action"
           as well as knowing how to throw up to "impress" other males.

           Parents were inferior in intelligence because they believed
           everything we told them and didn't have a clue what it was like
           to be young anyway ( never having been young themselves!!!!).

           Elders were not too bright either. They were too strict - didn't
           know how to have fun riding motor bikes or "hanging

           So here we were - so aware and perfect with our inferior but
           otherwise extremely valued mates giving critical and important
           comment on anything that moves..... which of course we were all
           experts on.

           It was considered that romantic feelings were the exclusive realm
           of the female to bear, so it was "sissy" to display or admit that
           us young macho "men" could have feelings.   Being good mates, we
           constantly reminded one and other of this "flaw" we saw so much
           of in older males and we were stood determined it wasn't going to
           happen to us.

           For these reasons, a young man didn't go 'bird watching'. We used
           to "count the crows".        We were so suave and hep (hip) and
           constantly tried to outdo ourselves with smart comments about the
           girls as they walked past our chosen vantage point.

           At the odd time, when we were left speechless (and drooling) by
           the sight of a passing "crow", we would all shake our heads,
           regain our composure and 'sweat' on the next "sighting".

           The funniest standout - looking back on these instances - was how
           we would all slump around our vantage point and when a "crow"
           came into sight - we would all stand bolt upright, sucking in
           our stomachs to maximise our chests and assuming various 'cool'
           poses until she passed by.

           It took us a long time to realise that "crows" are not attracted
           to "peacocks".


           When you can recognize man's individual insignificance and see
           the pomp and self importance displayed by some, you'll easily
           have an uninhibited sense of humour. You'll see yourself in a
           different light and enjoy it more.

           And you will see also that our CREATOR has a sense of humour
           as well.

           If we were made in HIS image HE would be laughing at our antics
           now. What better enjoyment could HE get than observing us. What
           earthly use could we be to Him otherwise.

           So if you're a believer and think you're going to Heaven - you'd
           better get used to laughter right now.


        There was this man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed"
        money and a fairy came and sat on his shoulder. He was playing
        pontoon and had just been dealt a seven.
        The fairy advised him to buy a card for 500 pounds.
        Now he didn't trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway.
        He gets a five him twelve.
        The fairy then advised him to buy another card for 500 pounds.
        This time he did .......and got a three.
        "Buy another card for 500 pounds," said the fairy.
        This time he got a five and had twenty with four cards.
        The fairy told him to buy another for 500 pounds.
        He thinks to himself that the fairy's been right so far, so he buys
        another. He gets dealt an ace and had a five card winning hand.

        The fairy fell off his shoulder screaming, "You lucky bastard!"

     Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
     A: A nervous wreck.

     Another 'ocean' joke:
       Q: What do you call 500 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
       A: A good start

        "The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my
        employer, not necessarily mine - and probably not necessary."

        "Don't cry darling - Daddy HAD to drown the cat."
        "Yes I know...... but he promised me I could do it."

Some sayings and statements......authors where known......

We have the best politicians money can buy.

There's an old story about the person who wished using his computer were
only as difficult as using his telephone. That wish has come true for me
since I now find my telephone too complicated.

Consumers are like roaches -- you spray them and they get immune after a

The chief value in going to college is that it's the only way to learn
it really doesn't matter.

From age eight until I was sixteen, I used to sit and listen to the
smart-alec intellectuals of the 1940's and 50's expounding. I heard a
lot but learned little. They mostly didn't know what they were talking
about, and perhaps this explains why to this day I can never get excited
about philosophical ideas.

Amnesia is desperately wanting to find out who you are.
Euphoria is not knowing who you are ........and not caring.
Ecstasy is knowing exactly who you are ....... and still not caring.

I have one very basic rule when it comes to "good ideas". A good idea
is not an idea that solves a problem cleanly. A good idea is an idea
that solves several things at the same time. The mark of a good idea
is not that it does what you want, but it also does something that you
didn't start out wanting it to.

The really great visual experience today is to fly over a huge city and
look down into the night. It's like a tremendous jubilant Christmas tree.
You just feel life is worth living -- but when you come down to earth
you could start having some doubts.

It's easy to understand a fundamentalist world. It's just impossible to
live in one.

To call people "humorists" is a loose-fitting quite ugly word and misses
the nature of their dilemma and the dilemma of their nature. The little
wheels in the minds of these rather sad people are set in motion by the
cold damp hand of melancholy.

A doctor can only save lives -- it's up to people to create lives that
are worth saving.

Don't you know that love isn't just going to bed?  Love isn't a physical
act. It's a whole life.    It's being together because you are needed and
appreciated.   It's knowing you and she will still care about each other
when wild impulse and impossible daydreams have run their course and when
all that was on the shelf is seen for what it really is and is done with.
Love is you at seventy-five and her at whatever..... each of you listening
for the other's footsteps in the next room..... each afraid that a sudden
silence or a sudden cry could mean a lifetime of trust and companionship
is over.

And in the end, yes, all we have is the question of whether we go with
dignity and honor, knowing that we have lived our lives with passion and
compassion in equal measure. For me, that knowledge is enough to sustain
me when the game is finally called into an account of darkness.

Rest in peace...... it's up to others to repeat your mistakes.

The Great Theatre of Life. Admission is free but the taxation is mortal.
You come when you can, leave when you must...... the show is continuous.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order

One trouble with being efficient is that it makes everybody hate you.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Half-educated would be so much better; you have many more surprises if
you are half ignorant.

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking
 to the matter at hand.

The sooner you make your first five thousand mistakes the sooner you will
 be able to correct them.

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not
discover it.

My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I
had to choose one or the other, I now wish I could say I chose the

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist
it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard
of nonconformity.

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, but mostly sits.

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is
a very comforting thought, particularly for people who can never remember
where they left their glasses.

A statesman is a dead politician.  We need more statesmen.

Society is like salt water - good to swim in but hard to swallow.

All this progress is marvellous... now if only it would stop!

... nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean
level wouldn't cure.

Dear Lord,
I've been asked to thank Thee for the Christmas ham before us... a pig
which was no doubt a lively, intelligent life........ a social animal
capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like
compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat please give
our respects to its family........

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich,
and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf.

We first raise a dust and then complain we cannot see.

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?
Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical
advertising uses truth to deceive the public

When I read passages like this, I want to look for the nearest wall to
bang my head against.

Some of the best reasons for remaining at the bottom of the social ladder
can be found simply by looking at those at the top.

Such is the audacity of man, that he hath learned to counterfeit Nature
and is so bold as to challenge her in her work.

Take everything you like seriously, except yourself.

Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining,
physically exhausting, and very short.

All things are difficult before they are easy.

You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Truth I have no trouble with, it's the facts that screw me up.
Farley Mowat

Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse.
Bill Press

I am afraid of the worst, but I am not sure what that is.
Abraham Rotstein

Ideally, you should be your own hero, just as I am mine.

I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
Robert Fulford

Planet Bog -- Pools of toxic chemicals bubble under a choking atmosphere
of poisonous gases - but aside from that, it's quite different to Earth.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good... luckily, it's not difficult.

I'm lost, but I'm making record time. (and in record time)

Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear
to him.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?

If we follow the advice of these people, we might as well go back into
the cave.

About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are the people who
don't have any.

Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for
deeds left undone.

* If all the world's a stage - please let me operate the trap door.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any other and its
efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve honest
clear thinking men who can't read and have no opinion.
Mark Twain

I'm sure the reason young nitwits are produced in our schools is because
they have no contact with anything of use in everyday life.

You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, half of them are even dumber
than that!

Rule Number 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule Number 2 is, it's
all small stuff.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

There are too many people, and too few human beings

There's only one me.......... and I'm stuck with him.

Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible.
Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to
do........  fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.

We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested
with losers and nut cases.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

Lovely girls are terribly insecure. They are convinced that their legs
are too thick, and their bottoms are too big, and their bosoms are too
small. They are convinced that their nose is the wrong shape, that their
ears stick out, and that their eyes are too close together. They need a
man who will tell them they are exactly right as they are. They dont
believe him, but they need to hear it said.

History has proven that nobody pays any attention to history.
Claude Cuervo

When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
    -- Joseph-Louis LaGrange

Being asked whether it was better to marry or not, he replied, "Whichever
you do, you will repent it."
Attributed to Socrates in Diogenes Laertius, Socrates.

There is now less flogging in our great schools than before, but less is
now learned there, so that what they lose at one end, they lose at the
other also.
Samuel Johnson

... I believe we are on the right track to make this country what it
once arctic wasteland.     (Steve Martin line edited)

University President: "Why is it that you physicists always require so
much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires
nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers... and the Department
of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers."
    Told by Isaac Asimov  (quote stolen?)


Law Talk 

One day in Contract Law class, a professor asked one of his better students, 
"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" 
The student replied, "Here's an orange." 
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. 
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him.............. 

'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding ....." 
The Operation 
A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found 
that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. 
"Is it night?" 
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we 
didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful." 
Ponder this ... 
A bus station is where a bus stops. 
A train station is where a train stops. 
On my desk I have a work station ......... 

A Prayer 

Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, 
    selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
because I'm going to get out of bed.........

The Pun Contest 
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten 
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. 
       No pun in ten did.............. 


Small Town Law 
A small town prosecutor called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a 
grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you 
know me?".
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you 
were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, 
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their 
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you 
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room 
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a 
real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The 
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of 
the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both 
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either 
of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" 


A Piece of Advice? 
When promulgating your esoteric cogitation's or articulating your superficial 
sentimentalities and amicable philosophical and psychological observations, beware 
of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your verbal evaporation's have lucidity, intelligibility
 and veracious vivacity without rodomontade or thespian bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous propensity and sophomoric vacuity. 

(What all this really means is "Avoid using big words!" )


Professional hazards list.....

 accountant                discounted
 baseball players          debased
 bed makers                debunked
 bulldozer operators       degraded
 Underwear companies       debriefed  
 cabinet member            disappointed
 Cashier                   distilled 
 clergymen                 defrocked 
 cowboys                   deranged
 detective                 dissolved
 drug addict               disjointed
 dry cleaners              depressed
 editor                    dispelled
 electrician               discharged/delighted
 geologist                 dismantled
 Hamlet                    disdained
 hero                      discouraged                                                 
inventor                  disingenuous
 jockey                    displaced
 Land developer            distracted
 landscapers               defoliated
 Laundry workers           decreased /depressed/ depleted (de lot!)
 lawyer                    distorted/disbarred 
 magician                  disillusioned
 map maker                 disoriented
 Marine drill sarge        disgruntled
 marriage counselor        disavowed
 mathematician             disproven
 mathematician (2)         disintegrated
 medium                    dispirited
 meteorologist             disgusted 
 model                     disposed 
 mountain climber          disinclined
 movie star                didscredited
 Olympic skater            disfigured
 organ donors              delivered 
 perfume maker             dissented
 politicians               devoted. 
 professional mover        dislocated
 prospector                disclaimed
 rock musician             disbanded
 saint                     disgraced
 seamstress                dispatched
 singer                    discord
 software engineers        detested
 songwriters               decomposed 
 steel worker              distempered
 Judge                     disrobed
 thespian                  displayed
 virologist                disinfected
 warlock                   disenchanted

Prison  V  Full Time Job 
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell. At work you 
   spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle. 
In prison you get three free meals a day. At work you only get a break for one 
meal -  and you have to pay for that one. 
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good 
   behavior with more work. 
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors 
   yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV 
   and playing games. 
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just                4
In prison you get your own toilet.   At work you have to share. 
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.   At work you cant even speak 
   to your family and friends. 
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.  At work you 
   get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your 
   salary to pay for the prisoners. 
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting 
   to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get inside bars. 
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work 
   there are some programs you can never get out of. 
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. 

English Signs 

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes 
    when the light goes out. 
2. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door 
    - the bell doesn't work) 
3. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 
4. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please 
    bring it back or further steps will be taken. 
5. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and 
    stand upside down on the draining board. 
6. OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure - 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence 
7. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. 
    (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 
8. ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating. 
9. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing                     machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 
10. OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE            OF WALES: The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being              opened. Open tomorrow. 
11. OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for 
       dinner also. 
12. SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for 
       the next 100 years. 
13. OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone 
14. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. 
       By order of the District Council. 
15. NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH: Due to increasing                     problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in    the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. 
16. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for   5
       more than 30 days will be disposed of. 
17. ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life 
       may not be worth much but our petrol is. 
18. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 
19. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 
20. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, 
       there is a day care on the first floor. 

21. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, 
      but the bull charges. 
22. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to 
      get lessons. 
23. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please 
       use floor below. 


Signs - Here and There 

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.: 

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. 
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to 
    see the manager. 
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full 
    extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy 
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. 
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. 
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. 
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy. 
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. 
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center 
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. 
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices 
    and workmanship. 
At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. 
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multiple packs. 
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our 
    washing machine do the dirty work. 
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. 
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. 
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They 
    won't last an hour! 
On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced 
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. 
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can 
    come here? 
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. 
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak. 
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see           
that the perpetual light is extinguished. 
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any 
    but their own graves. 
On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission. 
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. 
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's 
    time to wash your car. 

Real-Life Classified Ads
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
   Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by
   waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
   take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
   in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
   other athletic facilities.
Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
   lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save.  Limit: one per customer.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, reliable and honest.  Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
Christmas sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.                                                                     7
Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mum will care of your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.
Auto Repairs. Free pick up & delivery.Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Red Cross and salary offered.
Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general 
   housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home for only $1.00.

Stock Market Report 

Helium was up, feathers were down. 
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. 
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. 
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. 
Nappies remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed on an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a cog.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Toilet Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries made a new charge.
Kite sales hit an all time high.
Fish sales were flounding.
Yoyos continue their up and down movement.
Yachts continued to sink.
Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machine shares were frozen solid.
Fencing was closing in on all time highs.
Windows were breaking all records.
Javelin sales have seemingly  missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is under attack.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.                                                   
Frog legs jumped.
Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.
Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
Jazz sales are swinging.
Cannons balls are simply exploding.
Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.
Rubber band sales are tight.
Suspender highs seem to be sagging.
Printer sales seem to have a good margin.
Dryers have been spinning wildly.
Books have just about recovered.
Running shorts are now on track.
Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glues are just holding their own.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.
Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchen utensils are hot stock.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
The Chewing Gum bubble appears to have burst.
Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
Banks are overpriced.
Bed sheets are selling short.
Boxer shorts are down briefly.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par.
Sand paper is having a rough time.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turn around.
Bridging Loans are showing some  interest.
Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is down a hair.
Lightbulb sales are looking dim.
Springs are bouncing back.
Jatz Cracker sales are crumbling.
The news on energy is just shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Wash machines are just going through cycles.
Home scales are experiencing  heavy trading.
The profits on foods are being eaten away.
Medical supplies do not look healthy.
Bricks are holding up nicely.
Ladders are beginning to climb.                       
Card board boxes are packing it in.                             
Electric fan share rises are in the wind.Tractors are ploughing right along 

This is strangely true!
    (Written by an African(?)) 
Dear white fella,

Me - black fella
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You - white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green.
And when you die, you grey.
... And you call me colored?                 



    This list is more in the humour vein, but I included
    it here because it highlights (in some cases) the
    language vulnerability to pronunciation mix-ups.

     Medical Terminology explained
     Abdomen - What females value
     Acute - Something that's loveable
     Anal - Occurring yearly
     Artery - Study of fine paintings
     Artificial respiration - Induced sweating
     Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
     Barium - What to do when CPR fails
     Benign - After you are eight
     Bile - Evaporate at high temperature
     Bromine - Negro's brother
     Cardiac - Person addicted to gambling
     Cauterise - To make eye contact with her
     Caecum - To look for
     Cell - Convert to cash
     Cerebral - More than one
     Caesarean Section - Ancient Roman district
     Chemo - A casino game
     Cold - Un-hot!
     Colic - Sheep dog
     Colon - A boys name
     Coma - Punctuation mark
     Congenital - Friendly
     Cramp - To crowd
     Crutch - Something to lean on
     Deform - For de application
     Depress - For de trousers
     Diarrhoea - A daily note book
     Dilate - Live long
     Electrogram - Fast telegram
     Endorphin - The product of dead parents
     Enema - Hostile nations, plural
     Euthanasia - Asian teenagers
     Fester - Quicker
     Fibia - A big liar
     Fibula - A small liar
     Flu - Rose into the air
     Genital - Softly
     G.I. Series - Baseball games among American soldiers
     Graft - Illegal money practices
     Gravel rash - Impetuous with gravel
     Grippe - Suitcase
     Hangnail - A coat hook
     Impotent - Cheeky/Impertinent
     Integument - Honesty
     Insect poison - For religious suicides
     Intense - Where army field hospitals are
     Irrigate - To annoy
     Labor Pain - work exhaustion
     Lesion - What a city dog should have
     Loose Stools - Wobbly chairs
     Medical Staff - Doctor's cane
     Minor Operation - Underground diggings
     Misuse - Means "I miss you all"
     Morbid - Higher offer
     Mouth to mouth - Kissing
     Muscle - Kind of shellfish
     Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
     Nitric - After dark magic
     Node - Knew about it
     Organ - A musical instrument
     Organic - Church music
     Outpatient - Person who has fainted
     Pap Smear - Fatherhood insult.
     Pelvis - Elvis Presley's nickname
     Penis - Someone who plays music on a keyboard
     Pore - destitute
     Post-operative - Mail contractor
     Prostate - To lay down flat.
     Protein - In favor of young people
     Rash - Impetuous
     Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
     Rectum - Ruined 'em
     Retention - To make tight again
     Rheumatic - Amorous.
     Scar - Large cigarette
     Scratch -Relief for an itch
     Secretion - Hiding something
     Seizure - Roman emperor.
     Serology - Study of English knighthood
     Sex drive - A visit to a brothel
     Shingles - Roofing
     Sore - Fly high
     Spine - Observing by stealth
     Sprain - Sprinkling
     Sternum - Just joking/having them on
     Stroke - Rub gently
     Syndrome - An outdoor gay convention
     Tablet - Small table
     Terminal illness - Airport sickness
     Testicle - Octopuses arm
     Tibia - More catlike
     Tumour - Extra pair
     Ulcer - Another name for Ireland
     Ultrasound- Rock concert
     Urine - Opposite of "you're out"
     Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
     Vein - Someone whose up themselves
     Vertigo - Upwards

(also in "language" & "lists' pages)


            This duck walked into a chemist shop.........
            He said ..... "I'll have some lip gloss thankyou"
            The chemist said "How do you want to pay for that"
            The duck replied "Just put it on my bill"


     Not long after Eleanor and I were married, we lived in an old
     duplex house at Merrylands in Sydney and one day Eleanor's
     wedding ring somehow (?) went down the kitchen sink while she
     was doing the dishwashing.

     She was terribly upset and thought this greatly treasured item
     was lost forever, but excited with expectation when I told her
     I would probably be able to retrieve it for her.

     Having seen it done before and done it myself several times for
     others,  I assembled the necessary items for the task.

     I opened both cupboard doors under the sink and laid on my back
     with my upper torso into the cupboard.  I put a bucket under the
     sink's waste pipe to collect any overflow and carefully unscrewed
     and removed the "S" bend tube.  I then tipped the contents of the
     "S" bend pipe into the bucket, noting the metallic clink sound of
     the subject ring, as it dropped into the bucket also.

     I lay there staring up through the exposed kitchen sink plug hole
     as I handed the bucket out to my overjoyed wife Eleanor - who
     extracted the ring from the bucket - and promptly poured the water
     straight back down the sink .................... (!)


                         THE "BOSS" QUALITY.

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who
would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the
body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took the man wherever they wanted
to go, he should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested
all the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they
should be boss.


The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the arse
became mad and closed up.

After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the
stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.

So they all conceded and made arse the boss.

Which proves that you don't have to be a brain to be the boss.
 .... Just an arsehole!



        Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause
        him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

        Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires
        all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

        Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation
        to uphold.

        You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep
        insight into the true nature of your illness, which
        transcends any mere permanent disability you may have

        It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters
        could be explained in terms that you would understand.

        Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the
        resulting research paper will surely be of widespread

        You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
        modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other

        It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are
        beyond your means.

        The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and
        you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

          DIRECT CARE.
        This will only cause him needless inconvenience and
        unnecessary embarrassment.


          What name would you give to a blind dinosaur ?


          A man went into a pub with a pig under his arm.

          As he walked in, the barman spotted him and said,
          "Great Scott ! That's an ugly looking animal you've got there !
          Where on Earth did you get it ?"

          "I won him in a raffle", said the pig.


        The lion roared and said to the chimpanzee, "hey - monkey face -
           who's the king of this here jungle?"
        "You are o' magnificent one" said the monkey, "you absolutely are."
           "So long as you know" said the lion - and moved on

        The lion came across a giraffe and roared "hey - longneck - who's
           the king of this here jungle?"
        "You are o' magnificent one" said the giraffe," you absolutely are."
           "So long as you know" said the lion - and moved on

        The lion then came across an elephant and roared "hey - big nose -
            who's the king of this here jungle?"
        The elephant grabbed the lion - swung him into the air, beat him
            into the ground several times and then threw him 100 metres
            into a bus of thorns where the lion landed in a crumpled heap.

            After some minutes, the lion recovered consciousness, staggered
            from the bushes, shook himself and said - "OK....OK....OK, no
            need to get so mad 'cause you dont know the answer"


       A Few Tips For Life:
*Using string, nails and pulleys, it is possible to turn on the taps in
   the bathroom from your living room.
*Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the door
   every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
*Fumes from burning settees can be lethal, so before sitting down always
   look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.
*Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
   changing your name to match your existing plate.


                        Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Baker.
        Swaggart: I have a theological question:  Can a prostitute be saved?
        Baker:    Yes.
        Swaggart: Good - would you save me one for Saturday night?


While sitting at the bar a man turned to the guy
   next to him and  said "I hate lawyers, they're all

 The guy at the end of the bar said "hey, I resent
   that remark."

 The man asked, "are you a lawyer."

 He said "No.... I'm an arsehole."


    Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    A: He buys two cases of beer.


                         Hot off the Press!!
     Yesterday, scientists suggested that men should take a look at
     their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent
     analysis which revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

     The theory being that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the findings, scientists carried out the following tests.....

100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing
and refused to apologize when wrong.

      No further testing is planned.


A man walks into a doctor's office and says to the receptionist
"I need to see a doctor - I'm invisible!"

The receptionist walks back to the doctor and says, "There's a
guy out there demanding an appointment - what should I tell him?"

The doctor replied ...... "Tell him I can't see him!"


   I've worked in management positions and known some very clever people,
   but its done nothing to convince me other than mankind must be doomed.

   Until the inevitable happens, we may as well show our irreverence
   for those who consider themselves superior and something special.

 **Subject: NRC Scientists Discover New Element

    The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
    physicists at the NRC Research Centre.  The element, tentatively named
    administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
    number of 0.  However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons,
    75 vice-neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons.  This give it an
    atomic mass of 312.
    These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
    involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

    Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.  However, it can be
    detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in
    contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
    caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would
    normally occur in less than one second.

    Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which
    time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization
    in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons
    exchange places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually
    increases after each reorganization.

    Research at other laboratories indicate that administratium occurs
    naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points
    such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, libraries,
    and the NRC, and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained

    Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
    level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
    where it is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine
    how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
    results, to date, are not promising.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar
	and sat down to drink a beer.

	After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked
	in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

	The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt
	and said, "I do...Why?"

	The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
	"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse
	is about dead outside!"

	The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure
	enough Silver was ready  to die from heat exhaustion.

	The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver
	was starting to feel a little better.

	The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto,
	I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
	create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel

	Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running
	circles around Silver and waving his arms to make
	a breeze.

	Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
	returned to the bar to finish his drink.

	A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the
	bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
	The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's
	wrong with him this time?"

	The cowboy looked him in the eye and said... "Nothing,
	but you left your injun running."


      A woman walked in to see a Chinese doctor.
	She tells him that she is suffering from not being
	 able to get a boyfriend, and she was at her wits end.
	She pleads with the doctor to try and figure out just
	 what's wrong.
	The doctor says: "Okay , prease take  off aw your
	crose, den get dow of your hans an nees  an craw to
	over side of room, when you get dere, prease craw back".
	The woman does as the Chinese doctors asks, and when
	 she gets back asks the doctor what's wrong with her.
	The Doctor replies: "well, it seem you have Zachary
	"Zachary disease, what's Zachary disease doctor?" the
	woman asks.
	"Well" said the doctor: "Zachary disease is when you
	 arse rook Zachary same as you face"


                              Cigar Trick

                 A defendant in a lawsuit involving large
                 sums of money was saying to his lawyer,
                 "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

                 "It's in the judge's hands now," said the

                 "Would it help if I sent the judge a box
                 of cigars?" Asked the defendant.

                 "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is
                 a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt
                 like that would prejudice him against you.
                 He might even find you in contempt of the
                 court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile
                 at the judge."

                 Within the course of time, the judge
                 rendered a decision in favor of the
                 defendant. As the defendant left the
                 courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks
                 for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

                 "I'm sure we would have lost the case if
                 you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

                 "But I did send them," said the defendant.

                 "What?? You did?"

                 "Yes, That's how we won the case."

                 "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

                 "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars
                 that I could find to the judge, but
                 enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."


                        Dog Seat

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of
the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat
was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was
being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest,
but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found
himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed, and demanded that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You
drive your autos on the wrong side of the road....and now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


                        DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

         A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

         The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
         whale to swallow a human because even though it was a
         very large mammal, it's throat was very small.

         The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a

         Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
         not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

         The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask

         The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

         The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


              More Dumb Newspaper Headlines
         March Planned For Next August
         Blind Bishop Appointed To See
         Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip
         L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
         Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
         Nappy Market Bottoms Out
         Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest
         Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
         Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
         Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

         Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
         Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

         Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

         Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

         Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better

         If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

         Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

         Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

         Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School

         Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

         Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

         Stiff Opposition Expected to Casket-less Funeral Plan

         Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

         Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

         Farmer Bill Dies in House

         Eye Drops off Shelf

         Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

         Miners Refuse to Work after Death

         Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

         Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

         Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

         New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

         Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

         Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

         Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
         Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

         Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

         Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

         Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

         Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

         Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

         Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

         Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

         Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

         British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

         Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

         Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

         Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

         Miners Refuse to Work After Death

         Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

         Stolen Painting Found by Tree

         Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

         War Dims Hope for Peace

         If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

         Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

         Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

         New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

         Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

         Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

         Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

(More truisms)

You do not need a parachute to skydive.... you only need a parachute 
if you want to do it again later.  

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I 
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than 
standing in a garage makes you a car. 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still an option! 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it 
in a fruit salad. 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the 
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

A bank is a place that will lend you money, but only if you can 
prove that you don't need it. 

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so 
they can't get away. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear 
bright until you hear them speak. 

I didn't say it was your fault....  I said I was blaming you! 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to behave in public.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a 

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to 
live with. 

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then 
proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many 
is research. 

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a 
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... 

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a 
successful man is usually another woman. 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that 
one person enjoys it? 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes 
a whole box to start a campfire? 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the 

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can 
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and 
beat you with experience. 

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques. 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an 
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". How's my mother going to help? 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion 
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president 
and 50 for Miss America? 

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way 
that you will look forward to the trip. 

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if 
you wish they were. 

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured 
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot 

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy; I said I want a second opinion. 
He said, okay, you're ugly too. 

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 

I always take life with a grain of salt a slice of 
lemon ...and a shot of tequila. 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire 
Department usually uses water. 

You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship 
together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and 
think of you often. 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever 
you hit the target. 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no 
imagination whatsoever. 

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like 
you're still here." 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it 
as when you are in it.                                          



There are four people - Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked
to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done.


The Friars

Three friars were banished from their monastery for various
rule violations, so they decided to start a business together.
They travelled around until they found a town that they liked,
and opened up a plant shop.

Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while
she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant
reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say,
the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However,
the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could
have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about
the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar.
They decided to kick the friars out of town.

Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered
outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding
that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving".
So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through
the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant
grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming
that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged,
and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh),
waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once.

But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into
the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it
was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and
ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset.
They again gathered outside the friar's florist store (except
for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if
they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying".

So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.

Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said,
"Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all
their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


©Ted Middleton 2001.

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