HUMOUR
-

          I sometimes ponder my luck for being here on the only planet in
          our solar system that can support life as we know it.

          Add to that the chances of being born - one in seven million of a
          total of twenty five hundred million (at the time I was born) in
          the best and safest country on this little (?) planet.

          Add to that the chances throughout thousands of years that I
          should live in the most glorious of all eras man is ever likely
          to experience.  One that has made more technological gains in the
          last twenty years than mankind has seen accomplished in the last
          recorded ten thousand years.

          The odds are astronomical - and I appreciate my astounding luck
          .....more than most people are ever likely to give it thought.

          The diversity of Australia - the endless opportunity for those who
          seek - and the rewards available within our great spaces for those
          prepared to work hard.   Sounds like the "American Dream" -  only
          it's not - its the "Australian Reality".

          Add to all this the acquired strain of Australian (Oz) humour
          that can be laughed at more than once in most cases - once on
          delivery and again on reflection.

          And what more could be expected from a country settled two hundred
          years ago as a penal colony:
           *  Where its preferred national anthem is a song about a down and
              out sheep thief who suicides by drowning in a billabong,
           *  Where there is historic folklore of a dog who defecates on a
              food box nine miles from some obscure town named Gundagai,
           *  Where they declare themselves world champions of an aerial
              football game that only they play,
           *  Where real men sing "Tie me kangaroo down sport",
           *  Where their most famous boating achievement is accompanied by a
              song with the words.....
                               " I come from a land down under
                                Where beer does flow and men chunder",
           *  Where quality time is half a dozen bottles of beer and a can
              of mosquito repellent,
           *  Where a man in a dress called Priscilla won an Academy Award
              in 1995,
           *  Where our globe trotting tourists proudly wear T'shirts
              emblazoned with the words "Instant moron - just add beer",
           *  Where Parliamentary Debate is a contact sport,
           *  Where Vegemite is actually enjoyed by children,
           *  Where the policy "user pays" applies only to those who
              volunteer to,
           *  Where people skills produce "a bloody good chook raffle",
           *  Where a customary greeting is "What do you know"...........
              and the acceptable answer is "Not much" !
                 ( Maybe followed by "Yep ...good day for it"),
           *  Where more tall poppies are cut down than there are in the
              Golden Triangle,
           *  Where a folk hero is a robber with a tin can on his head,
           *  Where weekend "exercise" is a "fun run" from City to Surf.....
              (from  heart seizures - to graveyards!),
           *  Where the hardest job is that of a comedian....because its
              seen as competing against real life,
           *  Where universities are constructed for students to play in.
              These institutions are commonly known as "Academic Day Care"
              or "Medium Security Units",

           *  Where the arts are regularly attempted...... but to no avail.


          Yes - we are a nation that is wary of creativity and seemingly
                allergic to intellect.

                                --------------

                To open this subject demands a suitable announcement .......
                       (author ?)

                   Ladies and gentlemen, hoboes and tramps, 
                   Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants, 
                   I come before you to stand behind you, 
                   To tell you something I know nothing about. 
                   Next Thursday, which is Good Friday, 
                   There will be a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only; 
                   Admission is free, so pay at the door, 
                   Pull up a seat and sit on the floor. 
                   The topic to discuss... 
                                           (read on) 


---------------------------
                          ** LOST DOG **
                          --------------
                              3 legs,
                          Blind in left eye,
                          Missing right ear,
                            Tail broken,
                         Recently castrated...
                     Answers to the name of "LUCKY"


                                --------------
                     **************************
                     * WARPED SENSE OF HUMOUR *
                     *         WELCOME!       *
                     **************************


                                --------------
           This will be true for people with a poor memory and the aged.

                 * Q.   What is your favorite joke
                   A.   The last one I heard

                                --------------

    This is a very old "classic" I first heard when I was very young
       about an alcoholic told to give it up...........!


   "I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
   wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
   else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
   I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
   the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
   I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with
   it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
   I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
   down the sink - which I drank.
   I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
   bottle down the glass, which I drank.
   I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
   it and threw the rest down the glass.
   I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the
   bottle.
   Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the
   pour.
   When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
   counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which
   were twenty-nine - and as the houses came by I counted them again...
   ..... and finally I had all the houses in one bottle - which I drank.
   I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I ham.
   I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so feelish I don't
   know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get".
                           (Author unknown)

                                --------------

           When it comes to drinking - I know my limit.
           Its just that I get drunk before I reach it.

                                --------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
 and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

 Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

 "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

 Watson replied,  "I see millions and millions of stars."

 Sherlock asked "What does that tell you?"

 Watson pondered for a minute, then said..............
 "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions and millions of
     galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 Astronomically, I observe that Saturn is hovering in Leo.
 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter past
      three.
 Theologically, I can see that God is powerful and that we are small and
      insignificant.
 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
 However, what does it tell you Holmes?"

 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
 "It tells me two things my dear Watson,
 that you are a rabid idiot ..........
 and that someone has stolen our tent!"


                              ---------------


    Unemployed teenagers unite - end your suffering - dont put up with
             your parents embarrassing you any longer.

            Leave home, get a job and pay your own bills !

                               --------------

      Perhaps some people may think me infantile - but I like the little
         fast (and clean) short jokes that you usually find inside the
         pull apart (bon bon) type thingo's or in some fortune cookies...
         ....... like the following:

              Q......How do you cut through a tidal wave?
              A.....With a see saw

              Q......Where do they tie sick ships?
              A.....At six docks

              Q......Why are pianos hard to open?
              A.....Because the keys are inside

              Q......What is fastest - heat or cold?
              A.....Heat - because its easy to catch cold

              Q......What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
              A.....A chocolate "baaa"

              Q......If you have a referee in football and an umpire?
                     in cricket - what do you have in bowls?
              A.....Goldfish

              Q......Why do they have fouls in football?
              A.....For the same reason they have ducks in cricket

              Q......How can you build a sandcastle in 15 seconds?
              A.....Use quicksand

              Q......Why do old actors mostly retire?
              A.....Because they're clapped out

                                 -------------


   Serious questions about Schizophrenics
   --------------------------------------

              If a person with multiple personalities threatens
              suicide, wouldn't that be considered a hostage
              situation???

              Should curing a schizophrenic be viewed as murder

              Shouldn't schizophrenics have more than one vote?

              Shouldn't schizophrenics be entitled to more than
              one name on their birth certificate?

              Shouldn't a schizophrenic who wins an Olympic gold medal
              be entitled at least to the silver medal also?

              Two people cant comfortably walk through a doorway at
              the same time.   How does a schitzo' do it

              Shouldn't schitzo's be made pay multiple fares.

             Shouldn't schizo's who pay multiple fares be entitled to
              extra seats also?

              How can you trust a schitzo when you dont know who it is
              you're dealing with.

              Solitary confinement is not a fitting punishment for schitzo
              ........its only for those who have no one to talk to

              Should a schitzo be paid multiple wages?

              Shouldn't schizo's be forced to wear multiple outfits?

              Do schizos always buy the same size clothing?

              Wouldn't a schitzo sitting for an exam have an unfair advantage?

              Could a schitzo honestly claim to be lonely?

              Could a schitzo honestly claim to have a mind of his own?

              Wouldn't a schitzo make a better "one man band"?


                                 --------------

        The three best remembered Australian heroes are a cricketer - a
        bushranger and a horse. They border on local folklore despite the
        fact that they are - and were - real.

        They are Don Bradman, Ned Kelly and Phar Lap.

        Alas, it may well be my generation who are the last to propagate
        their memory with a fervour similar to that of our parents.

                                   --------------

       There are many more popular places for tourists on this planet and
        I am not fanatical or naive enough to believe that Australia has
            all the attractions, despite my obvious love of my country.
       Rome, England, Scotland, France, the middle east etc., have been
            visited by tourists for thousands of years.

               (In which time quite a few brought armies with them!)

                 ---------------------------------------



        We are a country where a flogging jail is our heritage, a suicide
        tale our favoured anthem and a variable mortgage rate our ultimate
        claim to achievement. (This doesn't mean Australians should be
        perceived as completely lacking a cultural identity!)

        Are we curiously and unjustly happy?    Why do we need compulsory
        rejoicing if not.  Do we practice reverent boredom in the face of
        pomp.   Does our trickle of conscience reveal a mind poised on the
        brink(!!!).    Is mateship actually a friends boat?

        They say nothing fosters natural growth better than menua.......
        (hence the saying maybe - "A wide brown land for me"?)

        And while on the subject of our great southern continent.........
        doesn't the bottom of the Australian map look just like that?
        .......a "bottom" ?
            (Doesn't speak much for poor old Tasmania?)

        We learned to laugh at ourselves because no one else could do our
        laughable selves the justice we firmly demanded.

        Yep, us Aussies know that without humour, man could really take
        himself too seriously and become a bad judge of his own character.
                                ------------

          She said, "You look just like my third husband."
          I said,   "Really - how many times have you been married?."
          She said, "Twice!"
                                -------------

        When I was in my early twenties, I played as much sport as I could
        to fill time and satisfy my need to compete. The main team sport
        I played was soccer, mainly because I had played it since I was 13
        and also because I found a team man was a better type of person to
        rely on in the main.

        In the  50's and 60's soccer underwent drastic changes brought
        about by post war immigration. While the general standard of
        skills did improve somewhat in that period, many notable qualities
        were lost. The mateship in teams comprised mainly of' new arrivals'
        was practically non existent and it was their superior independent
        skills rather than teamwork that won them games.

        Also, in the old style Aussie  team, a player would leap to his
        feet no matter what pain he was in, just so he wasn't thought
        to be a "wimp" or that he'd let his team mates down.

        We were more than a little disgusted at the antics of the "new
        arrivals" writhing on the ground one minute - and aided by a free
        kick being awarded them - making an instant recovery.

        We battled this for years in competitions before we decided that
        we needed to fight fire with fire and "when in Rome, we would have
        to do as the  Romans do."     Maybe on reflecting, we should have
        realised we really weren't in Rome!

        We decided we would let the opposition chuck a couple of writhing
        tantrums to start with and when the referee couldn't argue the
        fact that he really "owed us one", we would (whoever was in the
        best spot) put on a big show in the oppositions penalty area to
        milk a penalty.  Therefore we figured we would be beating them at
        their own game.

        Brilliantly simple and devilish clever really.  Foolproof even!

        Everything went to plan - they won a couple of free kicks early
        with their customary overacting and the referee as usual was the
        only person on the oval who couldn't see it. Then came the perfect
        chance  to execute our well rehearsed (clever) plan.

        Dick was our centre forward and had latched onto a cross from me
        just inside their penalty area. And there wasn't a man on our team
        who could have put on a better show than Dick did as he appeared
        to be upended from behind and slammed to the ground.

        Penalty for sure we all thought as we dropped our pace to a walk
        and watched this Greek idiot take off with the ball toward our
        goal.     Fool,  anyone could see it was going to be a penalty we
        all thought as even our goalie let him kick it into our goal.

        It was just then the whistle sounded - but to our horror, the ref
        was pointing toward the centre spot and not for a penalty kick.

        Dick was still writhing in the ground and doing a great job, so
        a couple of us went over to tell him it was all over and hadn't
        worked for us.      Unfortunately Dick wasn't kidding anyone.

        Dick was ambulanced away with a broken wrist - we lost the game
        by one goal (yes that goal!) and we never tried that scam on a
        referee again.

                ------------------------------------------------

                   Today's Bible reading is from Genesis....

                   "And God promised men that good and

                       obedient wives would be found

                        in all corners of the Earth." 



             Then He made the Earth round....... and He laughed!!



                ------------------------------------------------


        *       One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was
                sitting on Bondi beach.

                Contemplating his plight he gazed out to sea and saw
                a young woman thrashing in the water.  Upon further
                observation, he saw a shark circling her.

                He was aghast and near panic, wondering what could
                be done to save her.

                Suddenly,  a well built muscular young man, jogging
                along the beach,  turned and dashed into the sea,
                karate chopped the shark,  killing it,  and helped the
                young woman swim to the beach.

                The excited journalist, seeing a headline story,
                ran up to the young man and said, "That was the
                most fantastic thing I've ever seen in my life.
                I'm going to see the whole world knows about this.

                You'll be famous mate .  I can see it now, BRAVE
                BRONZED AUSSIE SAVES GIRL FROM KILLER SHARK"

                The young jogger turned to the journalist and said,
                "But I'm British."
                The journalist replied, without batting an eyelid,
                "Oh, that doesn't matter - this is still headline stuff."

                     The next day, the headlines read,

                      "POMMIE BASTARD KILLS GIRLS PET"

         ----------------------------------------------------------------
      * Q.  Why do the French eat snails
        A.  Because they dont like fast food
         ----------------------------------------------------------------
      * Hear about the man that bought a Barramundi?
        Bought a shovel Tuesday!
         ----------------------------------------------------------------
      * Q:  How do you get a pommy out of the bathtub
        A:  Turn the water on
         ----------------------------------------------------------------
      * DOCTOR: " Your coughing a lot easier this morning ?".
        PATIENT: "Yes - I've been practicing all night ".
         ----------------------------------------------------------------
      * Q......What do geese get when they collide?
        A.....Goose bumps
       ------------------------------------------------------------------
      * PERFECTION - that quality unique to the person
                                    your wife should have married.
        -----------------------------------------------------------------
      * Blind people dont skydive because it scares hell out of their dogs.
        -----------------------------------------------------------------

         As I've said, there was a lot of camaraderie in our football (soccer)
         teams. We used to hang out together as well as play.

         Amongst the many things we would marvel at or talk over was the
         way some people went overseas for reasonably short periods and
         when they came back,  some had developed a thick accent.

         One day our centre half Allan told us he was going to go back to
         Scotland to work with his uncle for 6 months and we all laughed
         as he tried to bet us he wouldn't have acquired a Scottish accent
         by the time he got back.

         Our mate Allan - no takers - he was the last one that would be
         affected we all reckoned.

         So we all went to the airport to see Allan off, arriving there
         fairly early so we could all get plastered and achieve a certain
         amount of melancholy  inebriation with our mate before he
         actually embarked (and we were never going to see him alive
         again any onlooker would have thought).

         Sure enough, around 6 months later we had a letter from Al saying
         he was arriving on flight so and so to Mascot Airport.  And duly
         excited at his "return from the lost world", we all drove down to
         meet him and all waved and cheered loudly as he came across the
         tarmac toward the gate we were at.

         As he came through the gate we surrounded him, pumping his hand
         and slapping his back as we welcomed him home. You could tell he
         was pleased too as he looked at us ......and to our astonishment
         said:
                    "Aye - 'ts grrreat t' b' buck"

         Even when he told us he was just joking we didn't completely
         believe him until he'd spoken "oz-normally" for a while.

         (You had to be there I guess!)
                              --------------------

          Always loved the play on words and what a story could become
           when it was given the "language" treatment.  German lends
           itself very well for this purpose:-

ACHTUNG!
--------
Der computen ist nicht furger fingerpoken und mittengrabben.
ist easy shcnappen der springenwerk, poppencorken, und
blowenfusen mit spitzensparken und smoken.

Das rubbernecken sightseeun keepen das hands in das
pockets, relaxen, und watchen das blinkenlights.


BEAUTY UND DER BEAST
---------------------
Ein grosser Beast mit den Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen hat ein
beautischer Fraulein gerkidnappen. Ach! Das Fraulein war homesickisch
mit screamen und wailen. Finalisch, der Beast hat mit der yellen
upfedden und hat die Beauty releasen.

Soonisch after das Fraulein departenist, der Beast mit yearnen
obergekommen, und er hut die Beauty zu returnen wanten.
Das Freulein hut also deciden, "Beneaten der uglischer Outercoaten
ein softisch Heart gethumpen."

Himmel! Die Beauty ist returnen, und hat der Beast downcasten mit
gloomen ist commen uber mit hap. Mit quickish rushen hut das Fraulein,
der Beast gegrabben, und der Lippenkissen onputten!

Ach du Lieber! Der kissen hut ein Magickerspelle gebroken, und hut die
Fraulein eine grosse Beastin mit den Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen
bekommen und prince hauf biggen de wolfwissel!

Und Die livven gootenhap orlen der restliffen.

                             -------------------



How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
---------------------------------------


One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Adelaide

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Sydney

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot hard on accelerator: Melbourne

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: Brisbane

    NOTE: with gun in lap: Gympie

Two hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, shaking in terror: Perth
    While driving in Adelaide.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
    to someone in back seat: Newcastle

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake,
    mind on footy game: Cairns

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
    being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag
    out the window: Toowoomba

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily
    at 130kph, driving down the center of the road coming around a blind
    curve and on the right side of the road: Chinchilla

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles
    of the hair, one hand going between mousse - brush and rat-tail to
    keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering
    the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the
    glove compartment: Mother driving school bus.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking
    the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or
    another drivers car: Noosa

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun
    out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for
    landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any
    bullets that didn't hit something: Longreach

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans
    on floor, pig tusks on rear vision mirror and dingo tails attached to
    antenna: Darwin

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level,
    driving 35 on Highway One - in the right lane with the left blinker
    going permanently: Retirement Home

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I grew up in the middle of Sydney at Chippendale.

After the war ended (WW2) our area was seemingly over run with strangers
from another world, officially called refugees or new Australians.

These people were given a hard time by some of the locals, but gave as
good as they got mostly. As a teenager just starting work, these people
were "different" but OK, because I had gone to school with many of their
kids and didn't make general judgments about them.

I was working at a plastics factory in Chippendale and the owner had sent
us to clean out some premises at Newtown which he intended to store goods
in.

We were all sitting around having lunch on a loading dock one day.  There
were 6 of us ....... a Dutchman, an Italian, a German and us 3 descendants
of sturdy convict stock.  The conversation was on the threat of communism
and what was needed to cure it.

The German guy said if the Allies had given the Germans back their weapons
how they would have cleaned up the Russians ......and we wouldn't have the
problem then.  The Dutchman remarked how letting the Germans have their
weapons in the first place had caused communism's popularity.

The German got uppity and said the Dutch didn't put up much of a fight
anyway when the German army went at them and an argument of some big
proportion seemed imminent.

Suddenly the Italian jumped in and said, "Come on a fellers, us blokes
Australians a gotta sticka togetha..........."



That one (funny sounding at the time) statement made me see that man ....
and all other "new Australians" in a different light from then on.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with
orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said," What's the matter, old man, haven't
 you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I
was just thinking you could be my son . . . "
------------------------------------------------------------------------


This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building
in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy
next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other guy replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very
special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh,
and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back
up."

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that the walks
over to the window and opens it.

He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20...30...40...50 feet
... comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back
through the window.

"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window
again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

"Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds
to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20...30...40... 50...60...70...80...90
...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as a pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back
to the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender arrived with another drink and said, "You know, you're a real
jerk when you're drunk Superman."

                -------------------------------------


 This is just as accurate a "reading" as any other astrology compilation.


                       REALISTIC ASTROLOGY
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AQUARIUS:  (Jan 20 to Feb 18)  You have an inventive mind and are
inclined to be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  On the other hand you
are careless and impractical, causing you to repeat the same mistakes.
             You lack confidence and are generally good for a laugh.

PISCES:  (Feb 19 to Mar 20)  You have a vivid imagination and often think
you are being followed by the CIA, FBI, or taxation.    You have minor
influence over your pets and people resent you for flaunting your ugliness.
             Everyone thinks you are a brainless jerk.

ARIES:  (Mar 21 to Apr 20)  You are the pioneer type and hold most people
in contempt.  You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice.
             In short, you are an out and out first class dickhead.

TAURUS:  (Apr 21 to May 20)  You are practical and persistent.  You have
a dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
stubborn and thickheaded in the extreme.
             You are nothing but a jumped up commo.

GEMINI:  (May 21 to June 20)  You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to
expect too much for too little.
             This just means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER:  (June 21 to July 22)  You are sympathetic and understanding
towards other people's needs.  They think you are a sucker.  You are
always putting things off.
            This is why you will always be on welfare and not worth a shit.

LEO:  (July 23 to Aug 22)  You consider yourself a born leader.  Others
think you are pushy.  Most LEO's are bullies.  You are vain and cannot
tolerate honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.
            Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO:  (Aug 23 to Sep 22)  You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This nitpicking is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep during sex.
            Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA:  (Sep 23 to Oct 22)  You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality.  If you are male you are probably queer.
Chances for employment and monetary gain for female Libras are excellent,
as most Libra women are whores.
            Libras usually die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO:  (Oct 23 to Nov 21)  You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted.  You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics and willingness to walk all over others to get what you want.
            Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS:  (Nov 22 to Dec 21)  You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent.
The vast majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads.
            People laugh at you because you are always getting screwed.

CAPRICORN:  (Dec 22 to Jan 19)  You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks.  This means you are basically a huge gutless chicken. There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance anywhere whatsoever.
            Perhaps you should kill yourself.


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                A Collection Of One Liners
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 ....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

 For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

 The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

 There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

 I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

 If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

 Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

 If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

 Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

 It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

 Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

 Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

 Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 Do witches run spell checkers?

 Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

 Copyright 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights weserved.

 Dain bramaged.

 Department of Redundancy

 Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Amato!

 What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

 All waiting shall be done at the same speed please.


                  -----------------------------------


New study results are in.......

Yesterday scientists revealed that new micro technology shows that beer
contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists conducted field studies and fed
100 men 12 pints of beer each.    They observed that 99% of them gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, went
to the bathroom often (left the toilet seat down (!!!)..... and couldn't
drive a car.

Further testing is planned.

=============================


Make me feel like a Woman...

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash
and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't
take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped
into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk
up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see
the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front
of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman
before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head and says  "Yes!"

The man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

===========================================================================



Pick-up Rebuttals

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man:   "Wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:   "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man:   "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Man:   "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man:   "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man:   "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

(After hearing a pick-up line):
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Woman: "What are you looking at?"
Man:  "I'm sorry ....I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

------------------

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must
be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must
be a God!


------------------------
A Piece of Advice?

When promulgating your esoteric cogitation's or articulating your
superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical and psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your verbal
evaporations have lucidity, intelligibility and veracious vivacity without
rodomontade or thespian bombast.   Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic
profundity, pompous propensity and sophomoric vacuity.

(What this really means is "Don't use big words!" )


-------------------



Do-It-Yourself Country & Western Song


I met her __________   _____;  I can still recall _________ she wore;
             (1)        (2)                         (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Tenterfield          at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' crocodiles    those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the hat pin
incognito               with her father         the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with John Howard        the hearing aid
in a bar                dead all over           the boxer shorts



She was ______  _____,
         (4)     (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Vegemite         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Inverell
crawlin' through the prairie        with her FJ
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu



and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
            (6)       (7)        (8)

6.                                    7.                    8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her        stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down      warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if       swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink     change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared    punch her out
they'd hate her guts in old Lismore   My Pooh Bear said     live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain    have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew     stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said        hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought    pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would throwup on the floor     Her rabbi said        salivate



She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                                (10)

9.                                  10.
our love would never die            run off
there was no other guy              wind up
man wasn't meant to fly             boogie
that Nixon didn't lie               yodel
her basset hound was shy            sky dive
that Rolaids made her high          turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye           freak out
she loved my one blue eye           blast off
her brother's name was Hy           make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"             black out
that birthdays made her cry         bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie           grovel



___________; _________ goodbye.
 (11)            (12)

11.                           12.
with my best friend           You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Falcon                  I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard                She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"            I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist              I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"             I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot                  She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on            She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club            She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her glad rags               I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru                 But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor                She sealed me in the vault and smirked


-----------------------------------


                           Redneck Census Form


  Last name: ________________

  First name:  (Check appropriate box)

  [_] Billy-Bob        [_] Bobby-Sue
  [_] Billy-Joe        [_] Bobby-Jo
  [_] Billy-Ray        [_] Bobby-Ann
  [_] Billy-Sue        [_] Bobby-Lee
  [_] Billy-Mae        [_] Bobby-Ellen
  [_] Billy-Jack       [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

  Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

  Occupation:
  [_] Farmer           [_] Mechanic
  [_] Hair Dresser     [_] Waitress
  [_] Un-employed      [_] Dirty Politician

  Spouse's Name:         __________________________
  2nd Spouse's Name:     __________________________
  3rd Spouse's Name:     __________________________
  Lover's Name:          __________________________
  2nd Lover's Name:      __________________________

  Relationship with spouse:
  [_] Sister             [_] Aunt
  [_] Brother          [_] Uncle
  [_] Mother           [_] Son
  [_] Father            [_] Daughter
  [_] Cousin           [_] Pet

  Mother's Name: _______________________

  Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

  Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

  Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
  ___ Total number of vehicles you own
  ___ Number of vehicles that still start
  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

  Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  ____ truck                 ____ kitchen
  ____ bedroom           ____ bathroom
  ____ shed

  Model and year of your utility: _____________ 194____

  Do you have a gun rack?
  [_] Yes [_] No       If no, please explain: _________

  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
  [_] The National Enquirer   [_] The Globe
  [_] TV Guide                       [_] Soap Opera Digest
  [_] Rifle and Shotgun

  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

  How often do you bathe:
  [_] Weekly
  [_] Monthly
  [_] Not Applicable

  How many teeth? __________

  Color of teeth:
  [_] Green    [_] Brownish-Yellow
  [_] Brown    [_] Black
  [_] N/A

  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  [_] Red-Man

  How far is your home from a paved road?
  [_] 1 mile
  [_] 2 miles
  [_] long way

  Sign___________________________ (yours or a friend? _____ )

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain............

For example
in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replaced either by
"k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that
"which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well
abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali
wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5
doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing
vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai iear 15 or sou, it
wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" --
bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais "ch", "sh",
and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

------------------------------------


The Progression of Medicine

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


----------------------


Law Talk

One day in Contract Law class, a professor asked one of his better students,
"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him,

'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,
rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with
full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same
away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding ....."

----------------------
The Operation

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found
that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he
said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and
we didn't want you waking up and thinking the operation was unsuccessful."
-------------------
Career Choice

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future
career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible,
and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid,
pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the
money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a
drunkard".
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping
through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they
had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it
in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it and took it.
Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of
the quality.  Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said:   "Darn. Our son is going to be
a solicitor!"

-------------------------
A letter of Recommendation -

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office.  He seldom
wastes his time on useless things.  Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time.  He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen.  He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field.  I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with.  I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.
/s/
Branch Manager


*** A second note followed the report:.......................

Xxxxxxx was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1,3,5,7, etc  for my
true assessment of him

Regards,

/s/
Branch Manager


----------------------


Ponder this ...

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station .........



--------------


The Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

No pun in ten did.


------------------------------


Reflections of a Kiss

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older
girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would
then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all
the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with
them at the ladies room at 2pm.    They gathered at 2pm and found the
principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to
clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully
understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness
just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box.
He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and
proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.


------------------------


Small Town Law

A small town prosecutor called his first witness to the stand in a trial --
a grandmotherly elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"


---------------------------


 If Men Got Pregnant ...

... maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

... there would be a cure for stretch marks

... natural childbirth would become obsolete

... morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

... all methods of birth control would be 100% effective

... children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

... men would be eager to talk about commitment

... they wouldn't think twins were so cute

... sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

... briefcases would be used as nappy bags

... paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

... they'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

... restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

... women would rule the world


                       --------------------------------
                       
 This is very appropriate......
 
                           KIDS!



(If you are 30 or older you may think this is hilarious!!!!) 

------------------------------------------------------------

* When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribe about how hard things were when 
they were growing up.  What with walking Twenty-five miles 
to school every morning........ 

... Uphill... barefoot... starving...

.........BOTH ways !!!

Yadda, yadda, yadda.........

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there 
was no way in hell I was going to lay a load of crap like 
that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they
have it! 

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't 
help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! 

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we 
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library 
and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! 

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter
..... with a real pen! 
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put 
it in the mailbox and it would take... like a week to arrive!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music (?) 
...you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift 
it yourself! 

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and 
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! 


We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the 
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, 
you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, 
your truancy officer, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, 
a collections agent...... you just didn't know!!! 

You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-res 
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' 
and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little "square",  so you actually 
had to use your own imagination!! 

And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
..... forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! 


Just like LIFE! 


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out 
what was on the telly! 

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to 
get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel 
and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get 
cartoons on Saturday morning. 
           Do you Hear what I'm saying...!?! 
        We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons.... 
        you damned spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! 

That's exactly what I'm talking about! 
You kids Today have got it too easy. 
You're spoiled and you wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1975!


          Pale Regards          
          The over 40's Crowd 

   
                       
                       
                       --------------------------------

                           (no....its not the end)

©Ted Middleton 1999.

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